April 13th, 2k4

Dearest,

I have wanted to tell you these things for some time, but you can only imagine how nervous I was. I have feared and still fear your reaction.

I have loved you for a long time. I shall not say I have been in love with you, for you have never given me the opportunity to do so. But love you I have.

Nearly every plan has been concocted with the sole purpose of providing an excuse for me to spend time with you. I have tried to thank you, show my love for you in any way I could. You are special to me in more ways than you know. I want to see you happy. I want to see you spared pain. I want you to feel loved at all times. I want all and all the best for you. But you see only what you want. What you want, and what you desire to expel. I do not fit into the shape you have carved for your friends, your woman, your life. I wish I could find a place to fit, like pushing mysef through a crowd, never to get close to the center--you.

I pray for your happiness and your health and strength. You have the capability to understand me in ways no one else can. Can you know how important you are to me? Probably not. I would do anything for you. But you would never ask. Why does love make you uncomfortable? Being so unloved myself I cannot conceive of turning away love. But you are so beloved you have it in excess.

You don't understand how I feel. You couldn't, or you wouldn't have done what you did. I can't believe you would be so cruel if you really understood. You know, but you don't empathize, you can't feel what I feel--and I hope you never do.

I have been left alone by everyone I knew. And that is exactly what I don't want, what I can't handle, what I fear. You have helped me, been there for me, in the past, but have cut me off in what I can only see as selfishness. Thus you have hurt me as only you could. And yet you could not kill my love for you.

Perhaps you will never allow me to bein love with you, but could you ever allow me to love you as a friend, and love me so in return?