Welcome to my first attempted humor/spoof story! I actually wrote a version of this in 5th grade, found it buried deep in the bowels of my desk, and now I'm rewriting it! I'm posting this on fictionpress and not on fanfiction because "the Princess of Iff" is a parody of Sleeping Beauty, which I'm assuming is in the public domain. (It's not like the federal government is going to come after me for abusing some fairy tale that was written in the 12th century! (well maybe not the 12th century, but you get the idea.)) Anyway, just for fun, try looking up the meanings of the names of my characters (more major ones will be introduced shortly) on or some similar website and see what happens...wahaha.... anyway, cheerio and enjoy!

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Once upon a time, long, long ago, hidden deep in the dark unnamed forests of some dark unnamed land, was a strange tiny kingdom whose inhabitants did not like to brush their teeth or comb their hair. In fact, nearly no one ever brushed their teeth or combed their hair because the people who were supposed to be enforcing the brushing and combing processes didn't brush their teeth or comb their hair themselves, and it was against their principals to be hypocritical. But despite these cultural hygienic flaws, the kingdom was, in general, quite civilized and content. It was called Iff.

The King and Queen of Iff, however, were not quite as happy as the citizens of their kingdom. Yes, they enjoyed not having to comb their hair every night before they went to bed, and of course they were delighted not to have to brush their teeth the moment they got up in the morning, but somehow, they managed to be positively rueful.

One bright morning, the Queen was awoken by her personal attendant.

"Good morning, Your Highness," said the Queen's attendant.

"Good morning, Umi," said the Queen, as that was her attendant's name. "Oh, must I brush my teeth and comb my hair today?"

Umi looked rather horrified. "Of course not, Your Highness!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" cried the Queen. "I had so been anticipating if I would have to brush my teeth and comb my hair today." But despite this wonderful news, the queen still looked unmistakably melancholy.

"Whatever is wrong, Your Majesty?" asked Umi. "Are you worried that you might have to brush your teeth or comb your hair tomorrow?"

"Oh no, Umi, it's far more serious than all that."

"Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Well, I feel undeniably lonely."

Umi looked rather surprised. "I haven't been taking good care of Your Highness?"

"Oh, of course not Umi, I'm sure that there's not another single servant in all of Iff that could let their Queen get away with brushing her teeth and combing her hair less!"

Umi beamed. "But what is it then, Your Majesty? Has the King been too busy? Has the cook been spending too much time in the kitchen? Oh, I know! The royal shoemaker hasn't spoken to you about the latest designs in ages."

"No, none of those things. I suppose I'll have to think about what the reason quite is, Umi."

"Yes, Your Highness. Shall we prepare for the morning exercises then?"

So the Queen got dressed and went downstairs with her hair looking rather tangled and her toothbrush sitting in the bathroom, quite unused.

*

That same morning, the King, in his respective bedchamber, had been feeling rather quite as gloomy as the Queen. He, of course, was as happy as the Queen had been when his servant, Kadeem, told him that he didn't have to brush his teeth or comb his hair, but somehow, for strange unknown reasons, managed to maintain his sorrow.

"I can't quite put my finger on it," the King said to Kadeem. "It's this strange, gnawing feeling I have that I should be very sad."

"Yes, I'm sure, Your Royal Majesty," said Kadeem, and his big droopy brown eyes and rather squashed face seemed very sad as well.

The King sighed loudly and went downstairs for the morning exercises, his hair, of course, quite uncombed and his toothbrush very neglected.

*

The morning exercises were composed mainly of the King and all of his advisors, the Queen and all of her advisors, all the servants, the royal cook, the royal shoemaker, the royal blacksmith, the head of the royal guards, the royal tapestry maker, the royal frying-pan-washer, and anyone else who happened to be in the castle arriving punctually in the throne room at eight o'clock, saying "good morning" and then arguing about what to have for breakfast. The royal shoemaker had to have his eggs scrambled, while the royal blacksmith could not put anything in his mouth before nine o'clock besides pancakes - it was against his principals (this was also his excuse for not brushing his teeth in the morning). The royal frying-pan- washer, of course, wanted sausages because it was so much easier to clean a frying pan after it had been used to make sausages than after it had been used to make eggs. The royal tapestry maker, though, could not eat sausages because she was a very strict vegetarian and was a member of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Meat Products.

The royal cook, after about half an hour, got sick and tired of everyone arguing and getting hungrier by the minute and so discreetly slipped off to the kitchen in order to start preparing lunch.

Once everyone realized that there wasn't going to be any breakfast (this was a daily ritual), they went off to their secret stores of Pop- tarts that were hidden under loose boards in their bedrooms (yes, even the royal blacksmith went against his principals) , and conveniently forgot about being hungry.

At about eleven o'clock every day, the Queen went off to the royal courtyard in order to get some lovely fresh air and eat her Pop-tarts in peace. This day was an especially beautiful one full of sunlight and birdsong, and it almost made the Queen forget about how sad she was supposed to be.

And then she heard the noise.

At first it sounded just like one of the birds whose singing filled the courtyard - just a soft sort of cooing. But when whatever it was began to shriek blue murder, the Queen decided it must either be a rather loud cat being set on fire, or a ghost. It turns out she was quite wrong.