September 3, 2001

It's Labour Day! I'm sad, though. Mark didn't call last night. I was hoping he would call today wanting to do something but he never called and I'm curious as to why he hasn't called and why he never calls when he promises.

I worry that maybe he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Mom said something like that this evening and even if I don't want to believe it, I believe it's true. He doesn't want to be with me anymore. He thinks I'm annoying and boring. He doesn't want to spend time with me anymore, otherwise, he would have called. Wah!

I was totally bummed out and ready to cry for hours when Carrie called. She cheered me up by bitchin' to me about Peace Academy. She joked and I bitched to her and she made me feel better. She made me laugh and take my mind off my problems and I helped her take her mind off of hers.

But I worried again after we had gotten off. I worried for Mark and I. I'm afraid of what I might have to do to make it clear that I'm not someone you can ignore. He doesn't understand how badly my life could go if he doesn't love me. He doesn't understand that I'm a very emotional girl. I'm afraid.

But I'm not calling him. I'm tired of calling him and then being shut out. I'm tired. He can call me! And when he does, I'll accuse him of not loving me. We'll see what he does then! Hopefully, he'll deny it.

Goodnight.

September 4, 2001

Last night, I really got into my writing and I felt good. I forgot all about Mark and school (which will be starting in two days) while I was writing.

I can already tell you that In The Beginning is going to be a long book because in the story they get caught in Paris for a week and in that time they are supposed to murder the Sly One and I'm still describing their first day there and I still have to make it lead into Mother Nature Strikes. It's gonna be longer than any other I've written before. Then again, it may not seem as long once it's typed up. I might end up publishing three or four books in one big book. Who knows?

I can't help but want to phone Mark. But what's the point if I'm only going to be shut down? Maybe I will call him but if he doesn't have more than ten minutes to talk to me (I'll ask him) then I'll hang up.

Well I did try to call him but he had gone golfing with Jack and Austin. I talked to Gordon and told him to tell Mark that he had better call me or I'd do something he wouldn't like. He never called me.

I considered maybe breaking up with him but then I thought that once school starts, we'll be okay and there's almost nothing he could do that would make me want to break up with him.

Who cares if he doesn't call? I still have him and I will until I'm tired of him. I have him practically wrapped around my finger. Night.

September 5, 2001

I can't believe this is happening! I don't want to tell you about my day. What just happened can't hold a candle to what happened. Where do I start? Well, as you know, I was suspecting that Mark didn't love me anymore and I called him and I told his dad that he'd better call me or I'd do something he wouldn't like.

I used to think it could never happen, that it would never happen. But it did.

I was gone almost all day and Mark called twice. I was happy he called so I came skipping home after I had talked to Dani. She told me.

I went downstairs to my room, dialing the number as I went. I closed my door and Mark finally picked up. I was perky and happy but he sounded different. He sounded tired and like he really didn't want to talk to me.

I questioned him about his attitude and he said he wanted to talk to me but he couldn't say what he needed to say.

I'm sorry, I'll try again tomorrow.

Goodnight.

September 6, 2001

Well I pushed him to tell me but he said he didn't want to hurt me. I knew what was gonna come next but I still pushed him to say it. I knew what he was gonna say and I felt so empty.

He finally said it. "I don't think we should go out anymore." I dropped the phone, screamed and then started to sob. I heard him calling, "Aria! Are you okay?"

I picked up the phone, shakier and more upset than I had ever been before. "What?" I said, my voice a little shaky.

He said something but I didn't hear because I hung up on him, crawled on my bed and started to bawl. Mom came in, apparently she 'just knew' by a mothers intuition.

She talked to me but I hardly heard a word she said, I was staring at the hearts on my wallpaper. After awhile, I left her on the bed and grabbed up the phone and called him back.

I asked why and he said it was the 'little things' like the way I eat, the way I acted in public and the way I was always saying I was better than him at things.

I was sobbing again and he said there would be others but I was so low on myself that I said, "If I am the way you say I am, there won't be."

We ended the call by saying we would still be friends and he said that I could call him if I ever needed anything. I was crying when I hung up.

I got happier but later in the night, I cried more. I wrote him a letter telling him how all of this effected me, questions I asked, things I thought. I told him that I actually tried to take my own life. I had tried. I took a pair of scissors and put it to my wrist, I did pull it across but, Thank God, the scissors weren't sharp enough. I thought about trying it again but then I dropped the scissors and thought, "What am I thinking?"

I tossed and turned all night, thinking about everything.

I was up hours before I needed to be and I was ready to go for an hour or so, but I just sat, staring at nothing and saying nothing.

It was weird going to Frank Ross to catch the bus and leaving Dani behind when my bus got there.

I was really quiet and glassy-eyed until we got to Central when 2/3 of the bus got off and Joanie Walton called out to me. I hadn't realized she rode that same bus as me.

I felt better to have her there and I was happy when she came and sat with me. We talked all the way to South Peace.

We lost each other when we went to our lockers. I got to mine and the girls in the locker beside us wanted to switch us because their friends were on the other side of us. They said it would be a lot easier than always having to break through them. So, we switched, well I did, but Ricki found out.

My morning was fun, once I found everyone at the cafeteria. I was totally fine, I felt like I had already gotten over what happened. I was laughing, smiling, having fun.

I saw Mark a couple of times. His hair looks lighter with streaks. He looked good, too. I didn't talk to him, though.

We had a half hour homeroom and I was totally worried I wouldn't know anyone but Alex was there, thank God. We compared schedules until the lunch bell rang.

We had an hour and a half lunch today. Again, I was totally fine and just chillin', searching for a place to hang.

Then I wandered off by myself for no reason and lost everyone or so it seemed. I found Ciara Mutra and she gave me pics of Mark and I at the Prom. I did a favor for Larissa, she wanted me to go to the library and talk to Sammy. When I came out I saw Mark about to go by but I came out in front of him.

It seemed like, when I came out, he deliberately turned and went the other way. When I looked back, all I saw was his back but I stopped him and asked him if he wanted one or both of the pictures.

He shrugged, said he didn't care, I could have them and started to walk away. I glared and stormed away, truly upset.

I went back out to my friends and they saw I was upset. They did all they could to cheer me up. I was smiling occasionally but then Ali overdid it and I stormed away. They all followed me as I walked around the school.

I sat down and then thought I would plot to make him feel guilty and I was excited again.

The bell rang and we all went for an hour of classes.

There's only four classes in one day so, we spent fifteen minutes in each class.

Ariel is in my gym class, which I have for two hours first thing tomorrow morning but will more regularly be on Monday. But I have at least an hour of gym everday in the week for six months. Burn!

Joanie, Ali, and Ciara are in my Socials class.

Ciara and Larissa are in my band class. The teacher, whom I have for Sing next semester, asked about everyone's experience. I told her I had three years flute and we had gone to Toronto for a music festival where we got silver. She was curious which band I played in, I told her and she said it was good to have me.

Oh yeah, in SS, Ali told me that Mark told Chris V that he hated me so I was pissed.

Anyway, Laura Satin is in my English class and so is Sammy (eww), Jack, and Justin W.

I went to mom's bus right away and told her about Mark. She said it was 'his loss'.

I sat with Joanie and another person and quietly plotted against Mark. I thought maybe I would tell his mom that he had raped me. But I decided that that was too mean, I didn't want to put him in jail, she wouldn't believe me, and I wanted to see him suffer.

When I got home I called Ariel, got Chris's phone #, called him and clarified a bit. Mark had only told him the reasons why he broke up with me I was still mad so, I called Mark.

I talked to Gordon firs and told him Mark had been talking about me behind my back and that I had to talk to him. He had something I needed. He put him one.

I nearly blew up he clarified and settled me down. We ended up talking for an hour or so.

We laughed and he told me, in detail, the things about me that annoyed him. Apparently I bite my fork (I worked on that tonight) when I eat. I never realized most of the stuff he told me but that one blew me away. Along our conversation, little things popped up but oh well.

We laughed and talked seriously. I asked him for my book that I lent to him. He said he'd get it to me as soon as possible, it was at his mom's.

We talked about school and I asked him if he wanted to see the Canadian Half Pints with me on October first. He asked why I didn't ask one of my friends. I said I was gonna ask him anyway so why not? He accepted.

We talked a long time and we decided we were better friends than a couple. But we were leaving behind all the enrichment of a relationship. Like kissing and so forth.

I said I would miss kissing and I liked it. He said, I think jokingly, "We can still do that."

I also said that now he wasn't helping me make my CD, I was set back from being a singer. He said I could still come over and do that. I asked him if I coudl borrow a Guns 'n' Roses CD to see if I really liked it. He said, if I liked it, he would burn me a copy. Sweet, huh?

I can't remember every detail but, he had to go after awhile and I reminded him about my book and the 'Midgets' in October.

He said, "It's a date."

"A friendly date," I added.

It was awesome. We really are friends and we will be for a long time. Wow!

Goodnight.