This is my guide to what every woman wants her guy to know. As I am

decidedly male (again, sorry, Bitterglee. crazy bastard), I can only do this

from observation and guesswork. So, here it is.

--

If a woman asks, "Do I look fat"?, it's an honest question, and she expects an honest answer. If

she's been hitting the Ben 'N' Jerry's lately, she'll want to know if she can drop a couple of pounds for

you. Honesty is important in any relationship, and if this question comes up, nothing short of brutal

honesty will suffice.

In contrast, if a woman asks how she looks, there's no need to get into specifics; a simple affirmative

grunt will suffice. If a woman doesn't ask about a specific part of her appearance, she doesn't want to

know about it. If she does pester you for a response, you can always tell her she could afford to lose

about five pounds, and that her breasts aren't big enough.

Belching, farting, and any other bodily function are perfectly natural and you should feel free to

do any of them in front of your woman. It all goes with that honesty thing, somehow. Besides, if

you hold that stuff in, you could die! Your woman doesn't want you to die, does she?

Women are notorious for having ass-tastic senses of judgement, especially when it comes

to their friends. So if your girl's best friend is an irritating, screaching harpy, or a disgusting

cow, you could only be doing her a disservice by keeping it to your self. Lambast her friends without

mercy, and she can only concede to your superior male evaluations, and be grateful that you're

generous enough to improve her life by dictating who she can and can't hang out with. Because

deep down, and also near the surface, and in the middle somewhere, she knows that you're smarter than

her.

But when she complains about your friends, it's just her jealous for attention. You know that your

best friend's ability to chug an entire six pack is so damn cool, and your other friend's dirty jokes

are the funniest thing in the world; as we've already established, your girlfriend doesn't know shit.

If she wants your undivided attention, then she needs to learn to operate an Atari joystick with her ass cheeks

while simultaneously giving you oral sex.

Your girl doesn't always want to hear that she's beautiful or smart; after all, what kind of shallow,

superficial being needs constant affirmations of how she looks. Just compliment her on her ass

every couple of weeks, you should be able to ride that for a while. Be sure to do it in a creative way

to impress her, and in front of other people, like your friends. She wants other people to know that you

appreciate her.

Women LOVE oversized, cumbersome gifts. She doesn't want anything that she can put in a closet

and forget about; it has to be something that takes up an entire portion of her room that she has

to look at every day, and be reminded of you. Plus it's always funny to watch a chick struggle walking

with something heavy. The rule of thumb for a gift is that it has to weigh about triple how many

pounds of food she eats in a week, so if you have a fat girlfriend, it's gonna get heavy. Fortunately, it doesn't

have to be any kind of stuffed animal; a car transmission makes a fine gift, as does a treadmill

or other piece of exercise equipment. Because, after all, she could always afford to lose a couple of pounds

for you.

Your girlfriend's first and most important priority should be how she's able to please you. To help her in this,

you have a responsibility to tell her what she can do that a former girlfriend did, or that you heard another

girl is able to do, to make you happy. If she needs an example to follow, you can always tell her to act like

that hot friend you have who's a girl; she'll be thankful for the convenient role model. And if there's not anything you can

think of off the top of your head that she needs to improve on, remember: She can always afford to lose a couple of

pounds for you.

Don't bother doing anything romantic for her in private; if there isn't an audience, whats the point?

On a date, pick something that you're good at, especially if she's not. Your girlfriend needs to have the fact

of your natural superiority established every once in a while; it gives her a sense of security. Paintball

is always a good idea, as is anything overtly physical. You can also never go wrong with eating contests

and drinking games. Nothing turns your woman on like when you're drunk and covered in wing sauce.

You girlfriend can hardly be expected to tell her ass form a hole in the ground, much less anticipate

the future of your relationship. Let her know early on exactly how far you plan for it to go; you're the one

who makes all the decisions anyway, and your girl will be relieved that she knows what to expect. And

remember: she can always afford to lose a couple of pounds for you.

Don't ask to go clothes shopping with your girl; what the hell do you care? DO insist to come along and pick

out her lingerie.

You're girlfriend can't tell music from ass; I think the success of boybands is all the proof we need of THAT.

So if your girl tries to put some kind of weak shit in the CD player, calmly explain that she has no taste, and

crank up your Morbid Angel. She'll be thankful that you're nice enough to show her what real music is.

Women LOVE giving oral sex, and especially facials; the protein is good for the hair and complexion.

And finally, your girlfriend will love it when you hit her. A little known fact : bruises make a cost effective, natural

alternative to makeup.

--

Dear God. This is the most misogynistic thing I've ever written. Aside from like, 4 Anal Cunt songs, it

may be the most misogynistic thing EVER written.

This is probably gonna be the only time I ever say this, but, I'm sorry to anyone that this offends or angers.

It's entirely sarcastic, and not to be taken seriously.