Introduction FictionPress - No Longer Memories - 10/29/04

Most of us have something to say and I'm no different. Except for the fact, that I'm working against a deadline that could send me into some memory voids or "senior moments" that cause me some confusion and loss of memory. Digging into my mind I've uncovered a few gold nuggets that lie just under the surface, while for most I have had to reach further to dig up the most memorable. This has been a psychological process that at times had been frightening. After all, when looking back into ones' own past, regardless of how good, with the ever present threat of memory loss, can be the most heart wrenching, hair pulling, and chest beating experience anyone can have with ones' "SELF".

Initially, I began to think about recording these memories several years back after my Father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, but I really didn't realize at the time, how profoundly his illness would affect me. My Father only lasted 9 months after being diagnosed, and medication didn't help him through "OUR" struggles with "his" condition. He was already in the advance stages and his diagnosis came to late, as this illness devastated his life, changed mine and taught my Mother the patients of Job.

It was all frightening enough for me, and I thank the Almighty, that "Pop" wasn't even aware of his condition and what he had become. When he "Passed" away we had a funeral with the obligatory graveside ceremony. Then we had a nice gathering at the house for those who were grieving or perhaps just wanting to be fed. My brother even showed up, making one of his infrequent appearances at family gatherings and I guess in his mind he was under obligation to show his face, after all, his father did die. He held court wherever he sat, with the indifference of the others, making shallow jokes, most of which he laughed at himself. I suppose it was his way of coming to terms with the fact that his Father was gone, or just a way of dealing with the fact that he was out of his comfort zone, "1500 miles away from family". As for myself, I managed to tolerate being in the same room with my "little" brother long enough to bear through it all.

'Till about a year later, when I began to worry that I was starting to lose my own memory...

Before I realized it, I was in a frantic fight with myself, and found myself putting my memories down in writing. This, I thought, was the fine legacy my father left me? What I would do for the rest of my life? He left me with the fear of losing my memories and this fight with "myself". What a wonderful thing to have left behind. My Father who didn't have anything to leave anyone else, left me this. I took care of him for his final 9 months, giving my mother a well deserved break after the last 5 years of struggling with a husband that was changing daily, right before her eyes.

I had imagine myself reading about my own life and not realizing that I was really reading the story of "ME" and then perhaps downloading the whole thing back into my mind so as to some how continue. being "ME". How weird would that be!

So, I began to tinker with several ideas of how I could communicate these memories back to myself. After a while, I lost interest in the entire project and stopped writing, then I just forgot the whole thing in frustration. I simply couldn't do for "ME" what I had always been able to do in my own career... write. I started to think about the collection of "works" I had on the hard drive of my laptop that can be used to "resurrect", or, activate my own memories. Now, that was an idea, to use my files to help me with my own memories, while I write about my own failing memory.

I began to develop this idea further and in my research I came across an Internet group, a cyber community, on the "Information SUPER Highway", and so, I became a member of this group and applied this "NEW" world to this notion of communicating back to myself. The group was formed of individuals from my "Home Town", Passaic, New Jersey. At the time it consisted of a group of Passaic High School alumni from the '50s and '60s. )

I had graduated in 1973, so I doubted that this group could be of any help as I tried to hold on to memories that were slowly slipping away. But, I wanted something, yet I really didn't know what that something was. I had been on my own "In Search Of" and Leonard Nimoy wasn't going to be the "host" that would help me with any of the "memories" that were about to be "Lost In Space".

I joined the group, logged on and discovered that this world wasn't new at all, it was strangely familiar, alluring, and intoxicating. "YOU" know, the same feelings you got when you watched the first runs, of the "NEW" episodes of "Star-Trek".

This world not only exists in "Cyber Space" but it existed in my own memories. A world that may be "new" because of its' location, but strangely familiar. I was drawn into this "Cyber" world and I developed the link to the past that I had been looking for. I had found. "Shangri-La"!

I was living "IN" what were "no longer memories". I was re-living the movies I had loved growing up, and books that I had read. "The Tale of Two Cities", "Our Town", and the mother of all questionable "enjoyable" reading attempts, War and Peace", and if I could do this, I could teach "myself" the technique that just might help you retain "ME" through the struggle to retain "self". I was experiencing a "space-time continum" in the form of these "Virtual" memories.

Every time I logged on, I had the power of remembering again. I was existing with my memories, in the present, with the help of these members that were sharing their memories. This wasn't television, where you could sit for hours and vegg-out while eating chips and sipping on a favorite beverage. I was taking "Virtual-Reality" to a level in which to reach out to myself, from where I was, to where "self" is, a voyage of "Orwellian" proportions and together we will be LIVING this "Virtual REALITY".

This isn't "Big Brother" looking in at you, this is ME looking back at myself, through, "ME". back to "SELF"!

So, if you're ME and you're reading this record of "MY" life, this is the record of your life as well. Just read, don't try to remember nor understand. You may not have the ability of recall. I am your "Host Backup" your "self" and I'll protect you on your journey. Study every word, these words are "your" words and belong to "you". Exercise your mind with these words and they will trigger your memory synapse. Sort and store them to get back to "ME", and with this, .you begin "YOUR" voyage back to "ME".