Shay Wilkinson sat alone in the student parking lot of Mount Ashgrove High school, propped up on the hood of a '95 Dodge. She was surrounded in a cloud of cigarette smoke, as the final bell of the day wrung out and the students slowly came wandering down into the parking lot, in hopes of leaving the school as quickly as possible.

Shay of course had opted not to go to final period, instead choosing to sit in the student parking lot, and smoke the hour away. Sixty minutes, and four cigarettes later she had nothing to show but another blotch of bad attendance and her utter lack of effort in school.

As the driver of the Dodge came storming over, obviously angry that she had been sitting on his car, she scooted off and threw the butt to the ground and stepped it out. Turning slowly, she started her way up the pavement to where her bus, and her friends, was resting. She quickly climbed up the steps of the bus, and sat down beside her friend Erin Trenton.

"Hey." Erin said, as she pushed her books out of the way so Shay could sit.

They both had been friends longer then either could remember, and they also couldn't recall how both had become friends; they could be as different as night and day sometimes. But no matter what, it always seemed that Erin was there for Shay when she needed her most; lately that had been a lot.

"Hi." Shay spoke solemnly.

Erin sighed loudly, and spoke sarcastically. "Aren't you just full of excitement."

The comments were shrugged off, as the bus started its short journey home. Lately, it seemed as though nothing anyone did could return Shay to the person that she had once been. She barely spoke, and when she did it seemed as though she didn't care anymore. She had taken up chain smoking, and dangerous drinking habits: which lead to scary moments of unconsciousness many nights a week. She was big into partying, something which she had never done before, and Erin had started coming more and more to protect Shay from herself.

"So did you make a decision about Rick's party?" Erin asked, after a few minutes of silence.

Her friend shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe I'll go; maybe I won't. Who knows?"

"I'd like to." Erin stressed. "I'm not a big fan of short notice."

"I don't need a babysitter every damn minute of the day," Shay stated, moodily. "I'm not an idiot."

Erin shook her head, in a mix of anger and disbelief. "You say that now, but what happens tomorrow when you wake up alone in Rick's bed, again, and you can't remember anything from the night before?"

"Then I guess I'll be pretty lucky."

She remembered back to the last time that she had gone to a party with Rick Barry, well at least the parts she actually could remember. Everything became blurry after the part where she was downing shots of Rum; the rest had become flashes of going up stares and Rick's hands. The next morning she had woken up on the floor, naked, with his arms wrapped around her body. Without disturbing him, she had slipped out of the room and out of the mess of the party before anyone had time to ask any questions.

"Why do you do this?"

Shay came back into reality and looked at her friend. "Do what?"

"Continuously mess up your life. This isn't like you."

Shrugging, she ignored her friend. How could she state that this 'wasn't like her', when Shay herself barely knew who she really was or what she was really doing. It was true that she had changed a lot in less then a year, but how did anyone know that this current life style she was living wasn't the real her, who had waited sixteen years to come out.

"Whatever." Shay responded to her friend's comments. "I won't go then, I'll stay in and be oh-so-cool like you. Happy?"

Erin shook her head, a hurt look in her eyes. She wanted to help her friend, but lately all she seemed to do was push everyone around her away.

The rest of the bus ride, as short as it was, seemed to drag on forever with both remaining silent as the dead. When the bus ride came to a stop, and the girls exited, Erin turned to talk to Shay quickly. She knew that she was quick to get away.

"So I'll call you tonight? We'll do something."

Shay nodded, mindlessly. "Sure. Bye." And then, she was gone across the pavement in the opposite direction of her friend. She walked for a two minutes and she was at the pavement of her driveway. Walking up slowly, she walked into her spilt level house and immediately up to her bedroom on the top floor. As she slammed the door, she tossed down her bag and picked up her phone and dialled. The phone rang for a couple minutes and a familiar voice came onto the other line; it oozed sex.

"Hey." She spoke calmly. "So Rick, is your party still on tonight?" She asked, ignoring her friend's wishes.

She waited for his cool voice to echo through her ears again. "Of course babe, but it's only a party if you're there."

Silently, she laughed at his slyness. She knew that it was all a line; if she weren't there then he would find someone else to grope all night until they were undeniably drunk, then take up stairs for some alone time. It was his act, his routine. But, if she was there it just meant that he could drink her into guilt free sex.

"I'll be there." She told him. "Don't you worry, you know I can't turn down anything involved with a free drink."

As she hung up the phone, she heard a light knock on her door. Her mother's familiar knock, when she didn't want to interrupt her daughter. As Mrs. Wilkinson walked into the teenage haven, she adjusted a picture frame and then sat down beside her daughter on the bed.

"Making plans?" She asked, trying not to pry.

Shay nodded, standing up, and walked over to her closet. Flipping through clothes she didn't even bother to glance back at her mother. "Erin invited me over to hang out, that's okay right?"

"Oh, of course." she agreed. "What do you girls have planned?"

"Girl stuff." She told her. "You know, talking about boys and what- not."

Mrs. Wilkinson smiled, even though Shay didn't turn around to even bother looking at her mother as she spoke. "I remember those days," She paused. "Well you two have fun."

Then, as quickly as she came she left, leaving her daughter alone once again.

Alone. It was something that Shay was quiet use to by now. The previous year she had been so into her friends and the sober fun they could have. But, one bad relationship and the effects that go with it later, she was spiralling into something more serious then anyone could have imagined. So here she sat, sprawled out on her bed, with her deep brown curls pulled away from her face. She was waiting for something, but after so much time had passed, she was unsure to what that actually was. Maybe she was waiting for a miracle, for one of these days she would feel something.

But for now, it was nothing. So she continued on getting ready for the party, in hopes of feeling something..

~*~*~

It was a cool night for early October.

Shay walked through a dark path, down to the school where she was meeting up with Rick so he could drive her over to his house. In one hand she held a lit cigarette and a half empty bottle of whiskey in the other. She was already tipsy, and she hadn't even made it to the party yet. She figured that Rick would probably pull over into some wooded area and start getting all over her, but she didn't care. She wished she would, but she didn't.

"Please tell me you're not on the way to that party?" Erin's familiar voice came from behind her, and she slowly turned around to see her standing there, arms crossed, with a group of people she didn't really know.

Shay steadied herself, and took another swig of the whiskey. "Of course not, I walk around alone in the dark dressed like a slut, only on the nights I have no where to go."

Erin pulled the bottle of whiskey out of her hands, and tossed it over into someone's back yard. "What are you doing Shay?"

"Who knows?"

Erin pulled her away, over into a darker section of the path. "You should. You need to stop this! I mean, why in the hell are you even doing this?"

"You wouldn't understand." Shay slurred.

Erin shook her head, and sighed. "Try me." She paused. "I'm sure sleeping with Rick Barry isn't going to solve ANY of your problems, might create some."

"I just, ever since Eric and I broke up." She paused. "I feel so lifeless. Like I'm never going to feel anything, ever again." She turned her eyes toward the ground, thinking about the previous year's events.

"I know what you need." Erin took her hand and led her up the path to where the group of guys that Erin had been walking with were still standing. Stopping abruptly, Shay had to take a minute to regain her balance. "Shay, this is Shawn, Kris and Carson." Shay stared into each guys face as Erin introduced him, stopping to linger at Carson's face.

There was something about him, a glow of innocence that was like an aura around him. He smiled at her, a goofy smile that sparked a small twinge in her heart; something she had not felt in a long time, even if it was small.

"Hey." She said.

"Hi." He smiled again, sparking a similar twinge again.

Erin smiled, "I think we have a match." She laughed.

Realizing that she was still staring into the crystal eyes of the boy infrount of her, Shay blushed and turned away and to her friend who was smiling beside her. "I'm drunk."

"I can smell that." Erin stated, "Don't worry, we can stop off at my house and pump you full of coffee and mouth wash. Your parents never notice these things anyways."

For a minute, there was no communication from either side to the other. Then, seconds that seemed like minutes later Kris spoke up. "So we should be heading off. Promised Thomas we would come around later, remember?" He asked his friends, and then he turned to the girls. "See you later."

And so, the two groups went in separate directions. The girls, Erin and Shay, ended up at Erin's house and in her room trying to camouflage the smell of alcohol that was surrounding her. She had managed to hide some of the scent with half a bottle of perfume and some strongly scented hairspray, but mostly it just smelled like cheep whore and mangos and Whiskey.

"Maybe if I just go directly to sleep, maybe then no one will notice." Shay told her.

Erin nodded, rummaging through her beauty products for more scented products. "So what do you think about Carson?"

"Erin, don't."

She turned around and looked at her friend. "I didn't do anything but notice a bit of a spark between you two."

"Even in a state of drunkenness, I know a set up. I'm not ready for another bad relationship, besides I don't even know the guy." She opened up another bottle of perfume and sprayed a little. "This is worse then the whiskey."

"Get to know the guy, there is no harm in that."

Shay sighed, and closed the cap on the spray. "Right, until four months from now when I'm standing over a pregnancy test and he's off sleeping with every other girl BESIDES me." She paused. "No, I'm not going through that again. He seems like a nice guy, lets not wreck that by him getting involved with me."

"It doesn't have to be like that." Erin explained to her. "I'm not saying get married, but at least try to get to know him. I know you like him; I could see it in your eyes when you saw him. You crushed."

She sighed. "So maybe for a brief moment, I felt something. It doesn't matter, I know how it will end."

"Not everyone is going to treat you like Eric."

Shay stood up and walked over to Erin's large mirror. "He wouldn't want to get involved with someone like me, everything I've gone through?" She paused and looked at her reflection. "Who wants all my excess baggage?"

~*~*~