DON'T TRUST THE RUSSIAN POSTAL SERVICE

SCENE ONE - ALAN'S APARTMENT

Inside sophiscated inner city apartment, Melbourne. We can see inside the lounge, in which there's used wax strips lying on the coffee table. ALAN walks out of an adjourning kitchen and sees the strips. Alan picks up a pair of rubber gloves from the coffee table and puts them on, then attempts to pick up the wax strips only to have them stuck to the gloves. At that point, the apartment door opens and CHARLOTTE, a friend who lives in the apartment, comes in with the grocies. She stares Alan, now trying to pull them off his gloves to no success.

CHARLOTTE: What do ya think yeh doin?

ALAN: Moving your wax strips. Why are they on my coffee table?

CHARLOTTE: Ya really are a complete fusspot.

Charlotte closes the door and hands the grocies to Alan. She picks up the wax strips and throws them into a nearby bin. Alan goes off to the kitchen, with Charlotte calling out behind him.

ALAN Off stage: Keep them in your bathroom!

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, sure.

ALAN Off stage: I mean it!

CHARLOTTE: Calm down already. So I'll wax in the bathroom next time. Don't be so uptight.

Alan appears with a cloth and cleaning liquid , with gloves off.

ALAN Insulted: I am not uptight!

Charlotte rolls her eyes as Alan starts wiping the coffee table furiously.

CHARLOTTE: Ya mother rang today.

At the mention of his mother, Alan accidentally squirts the couch with the cleaning liquid.

ALAN: Damn witch just won't die.

CHARLOTTE: Ya can't escape yeh mother forever. She might notice if ya use a tooth extraction for an excuse in gettin out of a weekend with her for the seventh time.

ALAN: I didn't have the intention on cancelling the weekend. I had to work Tuesday morning.

Charlotte gives Alan a look of disbelief.

I'm being completely truthful.

CHARLOTTE: Yeah, there ain't a lyin bone in yeh body.

Alan takes the cloth and cleaning liquid to the kitchen, comes back and sits on the couch. Charlotte watches all this in bewilderment.

I'm surprised ya didn't ask me to put those things away.

ALAN: You know I think of you as my equal in every way.

CHARLOTTE: Thanks.

At that moment, the doorbell rings. There's a few moments of silence, then Alan looks at Charlotte.

ALAN: Charlotte, the door is not going to answer itself.

Charlotte gets up in a huff and walks to the door, opening it. ROBERT walks in with such force that Charlotte is nearly slammed between the door and the wall. Robert goes over to the couch and drops down next to Alan, throwing his arms over the edge and resting his head on the side. Alan stares at him.

Well, good morning sunshine. Didn't we get up on the right side of the bed?

Robert sits up a bit, throwing his back and head against the back of the couch. He looks rather depressed, and turns to look at Alan.

ROBERT: Shut up.

ALAN: Definitely the wrong side.

Charlotte closes the door and walks behind the couch towards the kitchen.

CHARLOTTE: Don't worry, Robert. Whatever it is, it's nothin that a nice lemon 'n' honey tea, along with a choccie biccy, can't fix.

Charlotte disappears into the kitchen. Robert and Alan look revolted.

ROBERT: Oh, Charlotte! I'm not sick! Really, I don't need the tea.

CHARLOTTE Off screen: No buts! Mumsy always said that chocolate pushes happy hormones into gear and that tea is relaxin, and ya'll need that.

Robert looks dejected. Alan gives Robert a big smile.

ALAN: You dug your grave, you can lie in it.

Alan gives Robert a look of annoyance, then Charlotte sticks her head around the kitchen doorframe, smiling.

CHARLOTTE: Don't worry, Alan. Ya won't miss out; I know how ya love the tea. I'm makin some for all of us.

Charlotte retreats, Robert smiles.

ROBERT: Would you like to lie in my grave too, Alan?

ALAN: No. I've dug my own. So what's the matter with you?

Robert sighs.

ROBERT: Why is it, that in all of Melbourne, I can't find a single woman that I like? I'm going to grow old without a woman to share all my prize possessions with.

ALAN: No one wants to share your limited edition Thomas the Tank Engine model, Robert. Haven't you learnt your lesson after Vanilla?

ROBERT: How was I supposed to know Vanilla was a drag queen?

Robert gives Alan a suffering look. Charlotte appears, bringing three cups of tea and a plate of chocolate biscuits out of the kitchen. She puts the plate on the coffee table, and hands one cup of tea each to Robert and Alan, before going over to her chair and sitting. Charlotte takes a sip of tea, before looking up at Robert and Alan.

CHARLOTTE: Come on, boys, drink up. It'll do ya'll world of good.

Robert and Alan stare down into their cups, then slowly take a sip, swallowing tightly before taking a biscuit and taking a large mouthful desperately. Charlotte smiles.

See, I told ya yeh needed it. Now why ain't Robert smilin?

ALAN: There are no women he likes in Melbourne so no one to share his Thomas the Tank Engine model with.

CHARLOTTE: Kira was complaining about the same thing a couple of days ago.

ROBERT Surprised: Kira has a Thomas the Tank Engine model, too?

CHARLOTTE: No, ya tool! She said that there's no men she likes in Melbourne.

ALAN: She'd know.

CHARLOTTE: She's got pants in the store to try on before buyin, unlike ya two.

Robert and Alan look shocked and insulted.

Anyways, Kira said that her aunt suggested she try a mail order groom website. Ya know, like those mail order brides? They're quite good, apparently, for companionship or when yeh in a bit of a jam. Kira looked at a site from Russia; she quite likes the looks 'n' sounds of some of them.

ROBERT: Kira didn't tell me this.

CHARLOTTE: She figured I'd be more open about it. Maybe ya could try it as well, Robert. I'll ask her to see if she can help ya with the sites, if ya want.

ROBERT: And there's no drag queens in it?

CHARLOTTE: I doubt there are.

ALAN: You can't be seriously thinking about this, Robert! You'll be taking dating advice from Kira, of all people!

ROBERT: I might have a love life, Alan. Unlike some people I know.

Robert looks at Charlotte.

Ask Kira if she'll help me, thanks.

Robert stands and heads for the door.

ALAN: Still coming tonight?

Robert opens the door and looks back at Alan

ROBERT: What's tonight?

ALAN: Party, remember? Kira's?

Robert groans, walks out and closes the door behind him. Charlotte goes into the kitchen. Alan pours his remaining tea into a nearby pot plant.

FADE OUT