Things Are Different Now

Hello Steven, I'm sorry I'm so late.  No, nothing's happened, I'm fine.  I just lost track of time…I was just on a walk- trying to clear my head.  No, really Steven, I'm fine.  Well…no, I suppose that isn't the entire truth.  I don't really know if this is the best time to do this.  No, of course it isn't.  There's never going to be a best time to do something like this.  I'm sorry Steven.  You've probably figured it out already…but…I've met somebody else.

          It was about a month ago I suppose…at the bookstore.  Please, don't get angry with me.  I never wanted to hurt you- never ever.  We were…but then…oh!  This wasn't supposed to happen!  I love you, Steven, honest I do.  But haven't you noticed how different things are?  Surely you've noticed.  Everything's changed.  I've changed.

          He's a good man, he'll take care of me- the way you can't anymore.  I've told him all about you.  He understands, he listens to me.  Really listens.  I know you listen too.  But it's not the same.  Nothing's the same.  God, sometimes he reminds me of you so much I…I can't take it.  Because he's not you, and it's not fair to him if I keep comparing the two of you. 

          Damnit, Steven!  Why does it have to be like this?  Things were perfect the way they were!  I know you're angry and damnit, I'm angry too!  This wasn't the way things were supposed to happen!  Things were wonderful…why did it have to change?  Why does everything have to change?

          No, I can't explain myself.  Sometimes things just go wrong, horribly, horribly, wrong and you'll do just about anything to feel whole again.  You can't explain it and you can't predict it and you just have to close your eyes and live.  And remember that you're still alive inside. 

          This just happened, Steven.  God knows I didn't want it to.  I didn't seek it out-it just happened.  I do still love you.  I always will, you must know that.  But…when you died, it was like I died too.  And I don't want to feel that way anymore. 

          So please understand.  Understand that even though I'm not going to wear you ring, or sleep in your old robe, or cry about you anymore…well it doesn't mean that I don't still miss you.  It doesn't mean that I'm not going to think about you, or that horrible night anymore- because that night happened.  It's a part of me that I have to deal with now.  And all this doesn't mean that I'll ever stop loving you.  I won't.  Because I can't.  Ever.

          I'm going to say goodbye now.  If you think about it, it's not really goodbye, because I'll see you again someday.  And I'll be loving everyday from now until then.  Things are just…different now.

          Goodbye, Steven.  I'm glad we had this chance to talk.