FUMBLING

by Newly Human

Disclaimer: Lyrics belong to Sarah McLachlan.

Authors Note: As always, reviews and feedback is much appreciated. Enjoy, -- Newly Human

The winter here's cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

I stand shoulders hunched, and wrapped in a large overcoat to protect me from the attacking cold. A cigarette sits loosely in my hand. I pull it up to my lips and draw in the sweetness. This seems to bring life into the withering thing; it crackles and fizzles a little brighter, but only for a moment. I take a step back, further into the shadows provided by the surrounding trees, further into myself. My eyes dart suspiciously at every flicker, every sound around me. I don’t even dare breathe.

I wonder what he could be doing right now. Considering that it is 3 AM, I decide that he must be asleep. Maybe he is with her… Suddenly, my body tenses up as I realise, as if for the first time, where I am. The white picket fences lining the street glow eerily in the dark. If they were shining a little brighter a small plane could easily mistake this street for a runway. Behind the fencing stands block after block of brick housing. Amongst them stands a house with not a red door, but a bright green one. It almost seems as if the building itself is wanting to be rebellious; declaring to the world “I choose green!” It is the house of a boy that had loved me just this morning. This is where I have ended up tonight.

The neatness of the suburban street just emphasises how out of place I am, and feel. My darkly clad figure, lurking shadily at this ungodly hour, could not be a good sight for anyone. The notion of him seeing me out here drops into my thoughts. I imagine what he would think of me; it sends me out of hiding and dashing down the street. And even though I run out into the soft light of the night moon, it feels like I’m running into darkness.

I know this love is passing time, passing through like liquid
I’m drunk in my desire
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near
I believe this is heaven to know one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as I can

Five blocks away and four minutes later I finally stop running. Being near his house is like being in a loud room – once I’m out I can finally think again. Why is it then, that all I think about is him? He clouds my thoughts anywhere; there’s no use running from shadows at this time of night. Finding myself in the centre of a usually busy city street, I see all signs of any residential area are far behind me. I gasp desperately for air to fill my lungs. The smell from the heavy shower this afternoon fills every inch of me. He told me it was over, and then the downpour began. Sweat lingers on the surface of my skin and, at the cold air’s touch, sends tickles rippling through me. My flushed face begs for some relief. I press my cheek against the window of a shoe store. The cool glass is pure heaven against my skin. As I stand there, my face unwilling to move from the pane, a small trickle of water makes its way down the glass. The reminder of the rain slides down toward me, almost as if it is deliberately aiming. The drop reaches my cheek and I instantly flinch back. I pause, feeling the glide of the droplet down my face. Then I quickly wipe it away. I didn’t cry for him before, why should I start now?

I used to think my life was often empty
A lonely space to fill
You hurt me more than I ever could have imagined
You made my world stand still
I am shaken by the violence of existing
For only you

I devoted everything I had to him: my time, my space, my love. Now, what do I have left? Like a dog hearing the bounce of his favourite ball, my ears perk up to the gentle gushing sound of a river. The waterway flows straight through the city park, making quite a nice feature spot for the tourists and romantic dates. I wonder why I am heading there now, but really, I already know. He took me there.

The centre of the feature is a large stone bridge over the river. I measure the distance across with my steps. Eight and a half overly exaggerated paces. Drifting slowly back to the middle of the bridge, I stop in the exact spot I had stood this morning, waiting to see him. What could she give him that I couldn’t? I lean over against the barrier, staring straight down into the water, glittering from the moonlight. My reflection stares up at me. Is that a taunting smile on it’s face? My shoulders lock in a shrugging position as a cold shiver creeps up my sleeves. I don’t remember it ever being this cold before.

I suddenly notice the tall trees standing on either sides of the river. They loom menacingly over the water; casting shadows so deep I fear I may be able to fall into one, if I were close enough. But this is not the reason why I notice them. These tall trees stand incredibly still.

There is no wind tonight.

In more than words I tried to tell you
The more I tried I failed
I would not let myself believe that you might stray
And I would stand by you no matter what they’d say
I thought I’d be with you until my dying day
Until my dying day

How could he have done it? He knew that my heart would certainly come out shattered. I use my shoe to push loose pebbles off the bridge and into the water, one by one. The tiny splashes below sound a million miles off and I wonder how deep the water really is. I stretch across the side, twisting my neck, trying to see the worn out markings under the bridge. Is that five or fifteen metres? Was it something I did, or is it just me? Was I not enough for him? The sounds of the river seem to get increasingly louder. What if I am never enough for anyone? I wonder for the second time how far down the water below me goes.

There really is only one way to find out…

END

© July 2002 NHmedia
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