Thirteen

“Jared?”

I could feel hesitant fingers hovering just above my shoulder, and a blistering charge which grew in the space between Ryan’s hand and my skin. There was a faint remainder of annoyance pricking at the space behind my eyes – I refused to recognize it as anything else – and I smacked his hand away with a practiced sneer. “Just shut up, Ryan.”

All at once, everything seemed to tip sideways and the tension went out of my legs. I sat heavily on the floor, suddenly noticing the sound of the leaking tap, the complex pattern of the carpeting, the slow-motion pendulum movement of the phone. I stared up at Ryan through the fringe of my bangs as he crouched next to me, mouthing words that never reached my ears.

“I think I need a glass of water.” I said with some vague difficulty – the sound of my own voice seemed mechanical and far away, like speaking through syrup and darkness and water all at once.

Someone passed a plastic cup down to Ryan – dark blue, I noticed almost dazedly – and he handed it to me, his fingers brushing against mine for an instant before retreating. The cup slipped from my hand, and I watched dispassionately as it rolled about a foot away and a cloud of moisture spread rapidly across the carpet.

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m sorry.”

“Forget it,” Ryan said with a concerned expression. “What happened?”

I could hear the twins talking in hushed tones somewhere off to my right. Somewhat belatedly, I realized that my head was still swinging from side-to-side with the leisurely motion of the phone. “I have to go,” I muttered, pulling myself up onto shaky legs. “I have to get back to the house.”

“Why?”

I couldn’t explain. I knew the words, but I couldn’t push them past my throat – couldn’t give breath to something I had not yet brought myself to believe. “I just need to talk to my dad,” I mumbled eventually.

Bewildered, Ryan pulled a crooked, disbelieving face and grabbed my wrist; I numbly shook him off and staggered a step away from the phone, away from him, and towards the doorway. For a second, I thought he looked hurt, but he quickly recovered and grabbed me again with more force.

“Jared,” he said slowly. “What’s wrong?”

Another question I couldn’t answer. ‘Nothing’ was a lie, and ‘everything’was too painfully, unbearably true. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, and I cringed when my voice cracked on the last syllable.

His expression suddenly closed off. In one second, the smooth lines of his face had bent into something ugly, and hard, and completely uncharacteristic of the Ryan I had come to know within the past several days. He was once again the boy I had met on the very first day – a stranger.

“Fine,” he mumbled, and dropped my wrist with a pitiless glare. “Don’t tell me what’s wrong. I’m tired of trying to be nice to you, trying to fix things, when you just keep up with your stupid, immature, misunderstoodteenager act.”

Anger swelled within me so fiercely and quickly that I nearly choked. From the corner of my eye, I noticed Shen and Jin slinking slowly out of the room with matching faces of awkwardness.

I redirected my attention to Ryan. “Just what the fuck are you getting at?” I hissed.

“It’s all drama with you.” With his back in a straight, rigid line of anger, he jerkily moved forward and fisted his hands, like he could barely keep his frustration from spilling out all at once in one display of sweeping, cyclopean rage. His voice, usually so apathetically aloof, even while angry, had developed an undeniable edge of ire along the lower tones, which I tried desperately to ignore. “Your sexuality, your dad, your stupid scars – just get over it and accept that life is unfair sometimes. Grow up, and learn to deal with it instead. I don’t know where you ever got this idea, but it’s not cool to always play the angsty, bitter soul. Cut the act already and get on with your life.”

“It’s not a fucking act,” I snapped without even attempting to process everything he’d said. At this point, my mind only had room for two words: Mom and hospital.

He hunched his shoulders almost up past his ears. “Well, I don’t understand what could have possibly happened that you’ve turned into such a complete dick in the last five minutes,” he said from between gritted teeth, almost sulkily, and I could only snort.

“Of course,” I muttered sullenly.

“Of course what?”

“Of course you don’t understand. You couldn’t possibly. How did you become such an asshole when you have such great parents?”

Ryan balked and stared. “Have you met my mother? She’s psychotic!”

“Well, at least she’s alive.”

He sucked in a fast breath through his teeth – and that hiss of air was the only sound for what seemed like ages, stretching slowly like eternity, while he could only stare in an exaggerated, guilty stupor.

“Kaley,” he said, then stopped, mouth open, like he couldn’t get the words out, either – except he didn’t know what really happened.

Shit. Okay, maybe I was a little dramatic sometimes.

“She’s not dead,” I said quietly, head turned away from him, and crossed my arms tightly across my chest.

For once in his life, Ryan seemed obliged not to take the asshattish path and generously sidestepped my obvious drama, despite his recent accusation of just that. “What happened?” he asked – his entire angry stance had deflated, and he slumped a step forward to place a warm, comforting hand on my upper arm. This time, I didn’t shake him off.

“Dunno,” I mumbled and cast a desperate glance at the door. I now had three thoughts on my mind: mom, hospital, and home. “I have to talk to my dad.”

“Okay, well, I’ll get the twins to drive us, okay?” He squeezed my arm with a severely concerned expression.

Suddenly, I felt my words sticking to my throat again, and I could only nod my assent.

Ryan gave my arm another little squeeze and pulled away to lean towards the next room, away from the back door, and called out, “Hey, Shen? Jin? Could you–”

“We heard you,” Jin said as he reappeared in the room, Shen in tow close behind. “And I’ll drive you, but only if you promise to never make me feel this awkward ever, ever again–ow!” His hand shot to his side as his head jerked around and he glared venomously at his twin. “What the hell was that for!?”

“For being an insensitive prick,” Shen responded smartly, just before he slipped his fingers into Jin’s right front pocket to produce the car keys. “Here, Ryan,” he said as he tossed them across the room.

Ryan swiped for the keys, but missed, and they slid to a stop at his feet. “Er?”

“Go ahead and drive yourself,” he said with a small, modest smile, and absentmindedly turned to hang up the phone. “You know our parents. They’re never home, and they wouldn’t care anyway. Just give it back sometime tomorrow, okay?”

“What?” Jin screeched from his side. “No way! I have a date tonight!”

“You do not,” Shen said with a roll of his eyes and inconspicuously drove his heel into Jin’s shin. “You just drive to Bubble Tea and listen to Shakira.”

“That’s a lie!”

Ignoring the noisy disagreement, Ryan nodded, stooped to pick up the keys, and placed his other hand on the small of my back to quietly herd me outside. I vaguely heard Shen saying something that sounded suspiciously like ‘my hips don’t lie,’ but it was quickly drowned out by Jin screaming something back about hypocrites. I was more than glad to allow Ryan to open the door to the Xiang’s car for me.

He didn’t say anything once we were in the car, or even when we were driving the block or two to the house. It seemed silly to me that we were taking the car to travel such a short distance, but I honestly didn’t think I could have walked that far, or anything more than two steps, unless it was across a hospital room to my mother’s side. My limbs felt heavy, cold, and useless, and I supposed Ryan had gleaned some of this from the way I had only been able to stumble and trip around the room after the phone call.

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked suddenly, once he’d pulled into the driveway, with his fingers still loosely curled around the steering wheel and his eyes focused straight ahead at the shabby garage door. After a deep breath, I closed my eyes and hunched forward slightly – no, I didn't want him to come with me, because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. But it wasn't like he wouldn't see my red eyes later, or notice that I had suddenly started carrying little packs of Kleenex in my hoodie pockets. This wasn't the first time Mom had been in the hospital, but it never got any easier. Every time, she looked weaker and whiter and frailer, and I cried harder and harder and harder. Maybe this would be the time I finally let someone comfort me.

"Okay," I said shakily, and opened my eyes to find his unexpectedly staring back at me, both soft and wide at the same time, equal parts surprised and pleased.

He put on the parking break and turned the key with a nod. "Let's go, then."

It was so subtle that I almost didn't notice it. At the corner of his mouth, I spotted a tiny, nearly imperceptible grin -- and I knew I had made the right decision. For once in my life, I felt like everything would be okay.

-

Once inside the house, I lost that feeling rather quickly. The second I saw my dad, I nearly burst into tears right alongside him. It was always strange to see a grown man cry, let alone my cold, almost uncompassionate father. But, as usual, where my mother was concerned, typical rules did not apply.

Dad had pulled one of the wooden kitchen chairs alongside the phone, and he sat in it with his elbows on his knees, face in hands, breathing shallowly and unevenly. For a moment, I thought perhaps that I should be more worried about him than about Mom.

"Dad?" I asked in a soft voice.

"Jared," he said, immediately jumping out of the chair. Awkwardly, he swiped his knuckles across his face, and I could see that his eyes were blood-shot and puffy. Already I could feel tears building a steady tension behind my eyes. "She's at St. Luke's, but I thought I'd wait for you. Are you ready?"

"Yeah." I looked at the ground, at the mud still caked on the bottom of my shoes from a rainstorm last year, at the crack in one of the patterned tiles, at the hem of my pants. I couldn't meet his eyes.

After clearing his throat, Ryan said, "I can drive you two, if you'd like. No offense, Mr. Adams, but you don't really look—"

"Up to it, I know," Dad managed in a strangled voice. "I'm not. Let's go."

Ryan ducked his head in both a nod and an escape, and retreated back into the garage to start the car. Meanwhile, I was left alone with my father, caught between this new, startling unhappiness and the remnants of our fight.

“So,” I mumbled, shuffling an awkward step towards him. “What happened?”

In a long, shaky sigh, he explained, “She passed out in the shower this morning.”

My mouth went dry. “Did she...”

A shake of his head. “She didn’t hit her head or anything – just passed out. We don’t know why.” He swallowed as though to push down the overwhelming implications of his next statement. “She couldn’t push herself back up. Just laid there and called for me.” After a brief look skywards, he turned his eyes back to me. “She’s getting worse, Jared.”

“I know that.” Another hesitant, sideways step in his direction. “Dad?”

He gave me a sad, watery look. “Yes, Jared?”

“What’s wrong with her?” I whispered.

“I don’t know,” he said, honestly, and caught a tear with his finger before it could fall down his cheek.

“Do you think she knows?”

“No,” he said immediately, looking almost offended by the idea. “If she knew, why wouldn’t she tell us?”

“I don’t know.” Instantly, I regretted even saying anything, and retreated the few steps I had taken towards him. I started walking for the garage. “Forget I said anything.”

And he did.

-

At the hospital, we found Mom asleep, Morgan sullen, Jason foraging for snack foods, and the doctor waiting for us in the room. Dad was immediately ushered into the hall for a talk, which Morgan adamantly insisted on joining, and I was abruptly left alone in the room with my mother. Ryan studied me for a long moment from the doorway, on the verge of either coming inside or running to join his dad in the pursuit of sugar and greasy pizza. Eventually, he stepped inside and shut the door behind him with a soft, hesitant click.

“Thank you,” I whispered, and sank into the waiting chair beside my mother’s bed. She wasn’t in ICU or the ER, which was comforting, and I patiently tried to convince myself that the stinging in my eyes wasn’t anything emotional. Ryan stood by me with his hand on my shoulder and remained silent.

“This sucks,” I blurted.

A squeeze to my shoulder. “A lot,” he agreed.

I sat up straighter and balled my hands into fists, which I angrily slammed into my knees. “I mean, I’ve had some shit luck before in my life,” I ranted, “but it’s never been anything like this. Like, we don’t know what the fuck is wrong with her, and she sees all these doctors, but she always says they can’t do anything for her. I love her, I love my mom and all, but I’m seriously starting to doubt this – how can this many intelligent people not know shit on the matter? There has to be something–”

“Something..?” Ryan prompted, but I had already sunk with my head between my knees, choking on my breaths as I sucked in air to push back tears.

“Something,” I managed to say in a hiccup, “something they can do. Something I can do. I don’t want to say she’s lying, but it’s just...fuck...”

“Jared, honey,” said a weary voice, “please don’t swear in front of your mother.”

Ryan immediately drew back from me, to the door, and put on a carefully neutral face while my head whipped around to meet my mother’s bright yet tired blue eyes.

“Mom,” I said, and tried to say more, but her sleepy smile distracted me. She was alive, and it didn’t matter right then that she was in the hospital in an ugly gown with an IV in her wrist – she was here, and she was smiling at me, and that was all I needed in that moment.

“It’s all right this time,” she murmured with an amused expression, “but in the future, please try to remember your manners in public.”

“Okay,” I agreed with a grin, and I couldn’t resist hugging her. It was awkward, and I was pretty sure I was lying on her IV cord or at least crushing her lungs, but she didn’t seem to mind, because she held me with all the strength she had.

“It’s good to see you.” She patted my back affectionately. “You had me worried last night.”

“Oh, that.” My cheeks caught fire in a rapid blush. “Well, you know, Dad came in to talk to me, and...”

“And your father needs to learn how to deal with his son a bit more appropriately,” she finished, smiling. “Don’t worry, I know. And he probably doesn’t believe any of the things he tells you – he just thinks he should.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I snorted and turned my face away, only to see Ryan grinning at me. I blushed harder and redirected my gaze to the floor. “He’s just a stupid bigot.”

“Believe what you will.” Shifting against the pillows, she gently laid her hand on my arm and asked, “Help me sit up, will you?”

“I don’t think you should,” I said, shaking my head. “Just stay like that until Dad comes in, okay?”

Mom let out a little offended huff and pinched my forearm. “Brat,” she laughed.

“Whatever,” I said, automatically covering my arm in self-defense, and took a step back. It was so great to hear her laughter that I couldn’t help but join in. “Just sit here and wait, okay? Are you allowed to eat or drink anything?”

“Please, Jared,” she paused to roll her eyes, “I’m not an invalid – I’m perfectly capable of digesting food.”

“It was a legitimate question,” I mock-snapped back at her. “Do you want some juice or something?”

“I think Jason is out getting some drinks.”

“Oh,” I mumbled, trying to hide my disappointment. That’s right – I’d known that, too. Why had I even bothered asking? “Okay, then. I’ll just go ask Dad what the doctor said.”

“Actually,” she said, smiling again, “I’d love some orange juice. Why don’t you get me some from the cafeteria, okay, honey?”

“Okay.” There was nothing like your mother to make you feel happily, willingly patronized at any time, even when it was just an obvious front to keep you out of the way. With a mildly forced smile, I squeezed her fingers and made a sharp mental note to most definitely ask the doctor exactly what was going on. “I'll be right back.” And I grabbed Ryan's arm as I stepped outside before he could even open his mouth to ask if he could come along.

-

A/N: Yeah, okay, that was a ridiculously long time to wait for an update. I’m sorry. I kind of seriously hate this story at this point, since I started it so long ago and my writing style has changed so much, but I am still stupidly determined to finish it. I just want to write “THE END” and frolic off to write about obsessive-compulsive boys with glasses and soft hair. Or Christmas.

In other news, you all have my girlfriend Taylor to thank for this chapter. For the past fourteen months or so, she has diligently nagged me every day to write this, so I hope you guys appreciate it. (Please excuse any typos, because I did not send this out to be edited. I figured you would rather just have the damn chapter already. :P)