Long ago, In the year 2085, there ravaged a great war between the two most powerful political powers on Earth: The Dirty South (DS) and The Clean North (CN). It all began when a ho got amnesia, and wandered recklessly into CN. DS demanded that the ho be returned to her rightful pimp, but CN refused, for they had long hated DS's manners of sexual misconduct. Soon CN was demanding the changing of several of DS's traditions before the ho would be returned. Unfortunately, The Prime Minister Of DS, Fat Albert and his Assistant, Mushmouth refused to give in to their demands, and counter claimed that CN should have more Old School Thuggin', and that if they didn't, DS would send a large unit of pimps northbound to slap em' all dead!

However, CN was prepared for war as well, if not better than DS, and the Pimp Unit was indeed sent. The unit was completely massacred by the CN Anti-Pimp Missiles. CN was advancing quickly, a time of great war had erupted. DS could only huddle inside and fear the wrath of the CN Prime Minister, Al Gore. And do that is where our story today happens to start.

At the front lines of the last defense of Compton, DS, there sat the craziest Crip around, Compton Man. Compton Man was decked pot with everything he would need to defend the front lines as long as he could. DS had a simple plan. Protect the city until Harlem, DS reinforcements arrived, and Compton Man was going to fulfill his duty to his country. In the distance the sky was red with fire. DS had burned anything around the city they could in a desperate attempt to slow CN. Compton Man sighed, and out the came the puff which indicated how cold and early it was. The grass was still wet and was leaving a rash on his arms. He propped an empty box against the house next to him, and took a seat. Nobody would stop his laziness. They all knew the city was doomed.

Suddenly, he heard the sound of someone else's back scraping against the wall to sit down. He turned to his left, and there sat Blood Man, his best friend. Compton Man had never considered himself handsome. He was too big, too hairy, and not very muscular. Blood Man, on the other hand was his exact opposite. Atop that perfectly sized cranium of his laid golden blonde hair, that reflected so gloriously on the morning sun. His muscles bulged ever so slightly as he put his hands upon his knees. Blood Man fell asleep as quickly as he had sat down. Somewhere over that horizon, CN’s army lie in wait.

Meanwhile, somewhere over the horizon, CN’s army lie in wait. The general, Marie McGee, who had a name that rhymed, and a voice that chimed, was giving a speech……… Oh, and her ass was nice too. At least that’s what any soldier in her army would tell you, as they sat there, entirely entranced in her protruding buttocks, and entirely ignorant of her speech. This was a real shame, because her speech was actually pretty good. Not exactly famous, but this speech was at least deserving of being recorded. I won’t go into detail on the speech, but at the end of it she told the men to advance. They sat there, too far into her ass (a real play on words) to hear. She looked down and noticed a slight trickle of water slowly progressing towards her feet, lunging towards her bit by bit, as if her shoes were all that mattered. She averted her eyes slightly upward, to find the source of the water’s soldier’s mouth. The water jumped, as though suicidal, from the mouth, all over the cause of her rear end. She walked up to the man, who now seemed rather scared, pulled out her pistol, and pointed it between his eyes.

“Now then. You have 5 seconds to tell me what you were staring at.”

“Uh! I swear General McGee! I was just uh-”

“Wrong!”

And with that, she fired. But no bullet came out. The man uttered a sigh of relief. He had been an example meant to strike fear in the-

“Oops. Forgot to load it. Silly me.”

Then she loaded the gun and shot the man between the eyes. He fell on the ground, clearly dead. The order to move out was given, and this time the troops actually moved.

About a mile away in Compton, Compton Man and Blood Man were having an intricate conversation regarding the differences between apes and coffee tables. Compton Man had gotten into the conversation, but knew it wasn’t going to last long. He hated being right. The sentry proclaimed the CN unit was rushing forward. Compton Man climbed atop the roof of the building and aimed his rifle forward. Blood Man took the roof across the street. A bit nervous Compton Man told himself:

“I’m a sniper. My job is not to be found. I’m bound to be safe right?”

And then he saw the army of CN coming full force. It was beyond the point of large. It was huge.