CONTEST Part Two – Kaiser Jr.

AN: I like how when I was a wee person of seventeen/eighteen, I put CONTEST in all caps. It’s cute, so I’m rollin’ with it. Yes, I said rollin’. Shoot me if you please. You’ll have to go through my Anders clones. Oh, and as always thanks for the reviews they help me waste more time that I should be studying or something.

Narrator: Wilkommen back! Ach! Mein lieblings…

Author: Put some English in that German.

Narrator: Ve are alle ready zu watch das stunning conclusion to Das CONTEST part 2? Ja? Fein. Wir vill vatch it anyvay. You suck. Yamas…

Author: No one gets that joke.

Narrator: Ich vill quit if du don’t stop interrupting.

Author: Don’t care. I’ll have Ryan Seacrest take over.

Narrator: Ficken dich.

Author: Hey! This is rated “T”

Narrator: Das ist nicht mein problem. Schweinehund. Anyvay, hier ist das Kaiser Yunior Group!

Kaltenbrunner: The wheels on the bus-

Narrator: Ich knew it. Wir could nicht go through zwei bus scenes mit-out having ein ‘wheels on the bus’ reference.

Kaltenbrunner: Roll over Jews, Roll over Jews, Roll over Jews! The wheels on the bus Roll Over Jews All Through Poland!

Rommel: Oh shut up.

(Heydrich stops cackling to himself and joins in)

Kalt/Hey: The wheels on the bus roll over JEWS! Roll over JEWS! Roll over JEWS! The wheels on the bus Roll over JEWS all through POLAND!

(Himmler starts humming along)

Kaiser: Shut up. I HATE that song.

Kalty: But it’s about dead Jews!

Kaiser: Then I can dig it. Wait, no, still shut up.

Kalty/Heydy: Awww…

Kaiser: Or I’m gonna eat you bag lunches.

Kalty: Fine.

Joachim: Are we there yet?

Kaiser: OLD CONFLICT DEVELOPMENT PLOY!

Joachim: Sowwy.

Kaiser: No baby talk!

Joachim: Sorry, Mr. Kaiser.

Kaiser: Mr. Kaiser

Goebbels: Don’t mind him, he’s a little slow.

Joachim: Shut up!

(Goebbels reaches towards Kaiser’s coffee…)

Kaiser: Back in your seat, ratface!

(Goebbels whimpers)

Put it back, crack monkey! Fine, I’m taking your lunch.

Goebbels: We needs it!

Rommel: Can I jump out the window?

All: Go ahead.

Rommel: I’m really feeling the love.

(Goebbels runs to Rommel Just because they have the same suffix sort of )

Goebbels: Tells hims we needs it.

Rommel: What have I told you about Gollum-ing out?

Goebbels: But we’s we’s

Kaiser: Damn! Does anyone o’ you not talk back.

Joachim: I never…oh God Damn.

(Rommel wrestles the coffee from Goebbels and returns it to Kaiser Wilhelm)

Rommel: So do we have a plan for this stupid contest?

All: Nope

Rommel: Seriously? ALL that ALL of you do ALL day is plot, and NONE of you have even an idea?

All: Nope.

Rommel: Fine. (pulls out a giant map) Britney is going to be at Club Ho-Bag, I have several sources confirming this. Does anyone have an idea of how we could gain entry?

Joachim: Flirt with the bouncer?

Kaiser: How gay are you?

(Joachim bursts into tears)

Kaiser: Oh don’t cry, ya big sissy.

Joachim: I’m not gaaay.

Narrator: Vow, das ist getting gay.

Network guy: It has come to the attention of us bunch of old bastards that you’ve used the word g-a-y to such an extent that it is no longer funny-if it ever was-and from no on you must replace g-a-y with the word ‘emo’.

Kaiser: Don’t be so emo!

Joachim: I’m not emoooo!

Narrator: Heh, Das looks like E-moo.

All: What does?

Narrator: Shut up, Ich vill kill you!

All: Hey, man, chill!

Rommel: People, concentrate! We need to get into the club.

Goebbels: We could dress like hookers.

Rommel: Hookers? This is an exclusive celebrity club, not a dive bar.

Goebbels: No, not hookers…what’s the word…?

Heydrich: Paris Hilton?

Goebbels: Close…

Himmler: How come no one’s talking to me?

Kaiser: You’re kinda creepy. Yeah, doing that. (points to Himmler’s creepy witch altar in the back of the bus)

Himmler: I’m not creepy. I was just trying to summon a demon.

All: Don’t Care!

Joachim: Socialites!

All: What?

Joachim: Goebbels-stupid, scrawny little bitch that he is-was thinking of socialites!

Goebbels: Yeah-you apish, oblivious, pot-smoker-that’s it!

Rommel: Dress like socialites?

Goebbels: Yep.

Rommel: Are you sure YOU aren’t smoking pot?

Himmler: YAY! Dress up!

Kaiser: Don’t be emo!

Heydrich: Are you a homophobe?

Kaiser: Hey, you can’t say that.

Heydrich: I said ‘homo’ not emo. Damn, you really can’t say ‘emo’ that sucks.

Kaltenbrunner: Emo emo emo. Rebecca Emoheart, Marvin Emo(e), Emo Rights, Emo Pride Parade.

Rommel: Funny. Shut up. We dress as socialites, and who will believe this?

Goebbels: We can do it!

Rommel: Please, any other ideas?

(They all shake their heads, gravely. Quite somberly, with much seriousness, without joy…)

(Six very unattractive socialites and one very cute one walk up to Club Ho-Bag)

Bouncer: Wow! Check out the hotties!

Bouncer #2: You’re kidding, right?

Bouncer: Nah man, Check this shit out!

Rommel (wearing a curly blond wig and pink dress): So can we come in?

Bouncer: Sure, cutie!

Narrator: Is he the cute one?

Author: Nope.

Narrator: Are you gonna be a favoritist hook-ah and Ich mean und make es dein honey?

Author: Nope.

(They all walk in)

Joachim (wearing a straight, bleached wig and a halter top): Why did you come with?

Kaiser (wearing no wig and only a corset over his clothes): Bored.

Goebbels (wearing disturbingly tight pants, platform shoes and a bright pink wig): Focus, we must find this Ashley.

Himmler (wearing pigtails and oddly enough looking exactly like his daughter Gudrun): Britney.

Kaltenbrunner (looks like Frankenstein despite a long wig and make-up): Does anyone know what she looks like?

Heydrich (bright red wig and miniskirt) AN: Scarring myself for life here: Maybe the chick Marty over there is dancing with.

(points to Bormann dancing with Britney)

Goebbels: Oh hell no!

(Runs over and pulls ‘em apart) Hey hooker! We need your autograph!

Bormann: No, me first!

Britney: MWHAHAHAHA!

(Another Britney shows up and stands next to #1)

I am not Britney!

(Takes off the wig)

All: BLONDI!?

Blondi: Yes ‘tis I! This is what you all get for ignoring me and leaving me out of the show!

Adolf: I’m sure we had you in there somewhere…

Blondi: Well, I don’t remember it!

Joachim: Hate to be the buzzkill, but you brought over the real Britney, so you didn’t really-

Blondi: Oh

(pulls out a gun and shoots her)

Blondi: Better?

(Everyone glares menacingly at Joachim)

Joachim: …sorry?

Blondi: MWHAHAHA!

Narrator: Draw.

Blondi: What?

Narrator: It’s a draw.

Blondi: Wtf?

Narrator: No one can win, I think dead counts as excessive force, but since no member of the team did it themselves, Draw.

Blondi: I hate you. Where’d your gibberish go?

Narrator: Es ist hard, zu keep das up!

Adolf: Know the feeling.

Eva: Yeah, I noticed.

All: EWW!! TMI!!!

Rommel: So it’s a draw?

Narrator: Ja.

Goering: That was anticlimactic.

Narrator: I’m not the one that shot her.

Blondi: You all suck.

Adolf: Puppy treat?

(Blondi Sits)

Adolf: Stay…

(Blondi Stays)

Adolf: Good puppy.

(Tosses a treat)

Kaiser: This got old fast.

Joachim: Like the emo jokes.

Doenitz: Emo?

Goebbels: We can’t say ‘emo’.

Hess: You just did.

Bormann: You’re idiots.

Heydrich: No, we can’t say g-a-y.

Goering: Emo? What the hell?

Joachim: Told you.

Narrator: Next Contest vill be Trivia! Und ve habe ein guest star.

Eva: Who?

Narrator: Shut deine face, du bist still ein guest star.

Eva: I’m a regular.

Narrator: Technically, du bist ein guest star. Du bist filling in fuer Fegelein who refuses to come out from the carpet.

Goebbels: He’s dead.

Narrator: Shut up. Guten Nacht volken!

AN: That was long. I had to wrap things up. Plus I was very bored in Antro and Math. Don’t wanna waste me mp3 battery. Yes, I have an mp3 with no charger, and yes it only cost $10. So I guess that is it. If you have any questions about any of my reference jokes, yes they won’t be funny, but still if you’re that curios, go ahead and ask.