20 Minutes

I use to always think of what my thoughts would be in my final moment of life and wondered if everyone else mused on something so pivotal as this. I came to find that may have been only one of my many morbid fascinations. It didn't surprise me as much as it should have that only my thoughts wandered on something so dark and dreary. I was different from people in so many ways that I expected it to be more radical than it actually was. I had always imagined my final thoughts to be something wonderful, beautiful… reminiscent of an epiphany. It had come to me that it might be like speaking with my father while sitting under a sakura tree, the blushing petals falling about us whispering of the secrets his legacy held. I never knew him, he was gone before I was born but to me he was a strong character. He had left before he could become fully poisoned by the wiles of my acidic mother. She was one that was very hard to swallow, how had he dealt with her long enough to conceive me? I wish he could have held in with her a bit longer so I may have made that escape with him but I guess as he saw her belly grow he was filled with the fear that he'd be stuck with her thus leaving me the poor soul I am.

Things never did go the way I planned in life why should death be any different? I think I was just meant to suffer as the ethereal sky hovers above us lost in pain that it can not for as hard as it tries erase. I am named after that poor sky that watches all the sorrow unable to give any comfort after the visions. The eternal companion of solitude and agony that is who I seem to be. Should my presence be acknowledged I wish to quickly be completely forgotten. All people want is to know that they exist but I long to have this life not be a reality, just some twisted little tale is all it should be.

"Such a cute little baby.," a soft hand caresses the chubby cheek of a cherub with raven tufts atop his head.

"He's just a bastard child.," another with fingers long and slender like the claws of some demon slap it away.

"Such a smart little boy.," ebony strands ruffled in recognition of good achievement and pride.

"He's just a bastard child.," a smack to the back of the head to show undying loathing and resentment.

"Such a handsome young man.," shoulders held in aging hands as eyes dulled by life yet glowing with wisdom take in the sight.

"He's just a bastard child." Truly that's all I was, a simple bastard child only in the eyes of my late grandmother was I anymore than that. Still I don't see what was her reason for looking at me with such a happy gleam in her hazel eyes. I'm just the bastard that carries a false name and clings to it like a leech its succulent host. Reikokoro, the name she married into and dubbed me with. I wonder what was my father's name. Oh I don't have one.

o

"Hey look it's the fairy! Wonder where his skirt is today?!," I ignored the comments that followed after as I continued to walk into the middle school, my head hung low so I could hide behind the curtains of my hair. I felt someone tug at my shoulder bag but chose not to respond just walking even as the bag was pulled off my arm. I didn't keep anything important in there anyway I had learned after the first months of having it stolen over and over not to.

"Fairy look when someone's speaking to you!," still I walked on knowing that either way the speaker would continue to tease me. It was like this every day and I would have thought that by now I would be immune but every word and physical insult cuts through me like a venomous dagger. I stumble a bit as an unidentified object hits the back of my leg, it felt like it might have been a small rock. I continue to walk even though I feel a small stream of blood coming down my leg, I knew I shouldn't have worn the shorter version of the school uniform but it was just too hot today not to. Its easy to tell what the next item is as the sticky essence pours down my back staining my crisp, white shirt the brown shade token to cola. I step over the soda can and continue on my path not bothering to move out of trajectory range, if I duck it will only get much worse. A hard object comes in contact with the back of my head and I see a blue blur pass in front of me, blue that's the shade of the blazer boys wear. The ground seems to be getting much closer, am I falling? The ground proves to be surprisingly warm and soft and its wrapping its arms around me.

"I told all of you not to mess with Reikokoro! You mess with him you answer to Shoshinsha Yuki!," those were the last words I heard before everything fell into a black abyss.

o

Slowly my vision came into focus though I still saw things slightly swirled as if they were melting into one another and there was this bright light in my eyes. I lifted my hand to try and block it out only to have it grabbed by someone, their fingers calloused like the hands of a guitar player. Yuki! I sat up quickly, I hated for him to see me so weak but the groan I let out just made it a moot point.

"Hey how you hanging in there Reikokoro?" I looked over at him to see he was still in his school clothes, just like me in one of the shorter versions. His a deep blue jump suit with the shorts of it hanging loose while mine was separate.

"Hmm I feel okay, a little dizzy. What happened?" A frown came onto his tanned features but he quickly concealed it with a smile, he was always like this putting on a happy face.

"One of the Tsunami boys hit you on the back of the head with a big rock and was aiming to crack your skull. O'course I got there before they could so you only got a few stitches."

"Arigato."

"You don't have to thank me what are friends for? Those boys had it coming anyway they've been messing with my gang." I sat up using his arm for balance and nodded my head staring blankly at the door. Yuki began to hum, the tune soft and melancholy I recognized it so easily.

"Why do you like that song?"

"'Dearest'?," he looks at me with pale blue eyes as I nod my head, "It's a good song, people get hurt but always their hearts come back to each other keeping them united. I know its sappy but its beautiful that no matter what, even with the anger that passes between them, soul mates always come back to each other." I stared at him openly making him give a slight laugh, it was the first time I really noticed but Yuki was gorgeous when he smiled.

"You don't have to speak in English to talk to me, I understand Japanese perfectly and I know its easier for you."

"Oi I'm not doing it for you, homework assignment talk in English that teacher like to torture me!," I laughed even though I felt like crying at the moment, but the look on Yuki's face was enough to bring me a smile.

o

"Sora?"

"Hmm?"

"Why does Okaasan say you are a worthless bastard?," I looked down into the eyes of youth that could not understand the pain that simple words could bring. Black strands of hair so similar to my own fall in front of those innocent, naïve amber eyes that stare with their curious little glare. I opened my arms out to her receiving a little smile as she crawled onto the bed sitting herself on my lap to hug her small body to my chest. This was one of the only comforts in my life holding this girl that life had not yet poisoned for she gave love without condition. Her heart and mind could not yet understand hatred or any negative feelings. Things were still simple to her just black and white not shades of gray like the mind of adults. A soft snore came to my ears and I looked down to see Kairi fast asleep, such a simple life.

"Sora.," hissed from the voice of a demon, the venom from its mouth making it foam as its ever evident emotion, anger, spreads across its face.

"Mother?"

"I told you to stay away from Kairi and what's this I hear about you being suspended from school?!"

"Please keep your voice down Mama you'll wake up Kairi and being suspended is as much news to me as it is to you.," I knew I was treading on thin ice speaking to her in such a manner but after the first few years with her I discovered being nice to her is futile effort. She yanked Kairi from my arms making her fall to the floor and cry but one look from mother had Kairi running out of the room. Next she grabbed me by the hair and forced me onto my belly, it was easy for her to do this for I no longer fought against it. If I fought against her then that husband of hers would come in and my situation would go from bad to disastrous. I didn't flinch or cry as the buckle of the belt connected with my bare back making welts on my already bruised skin. This life had made me immune to physical pain. Her yanking on my hair was pulling on the stitches on my head making blood trickle to my ear just as blood oozed on my back.

"You are not to speak to anyone like that, a worthless bastard like you should be grateful that you are even allowed to live."

"What's the point of living when no one expects that you'll make it past this age? You all expect me to give up right now, the only reason I keep going is so that when I make a success of myself I can stand tall above you all and show you, you have not affected me at all! So I can laugh at you from my place in the sky!," this earned me a hard slap across my face that split open my lip and cracked a tooth. That marvelous ring her husband had bought her seemed to be very useful to her especially when beating me. She turned me onto my back making the thin sheet beneath me stick to my bloody back as she sat on top of me holding my wrists above my head.

"You asked before about your father," her voice was softer than I have ever heard it, that was enough to strike fear into me, "You asked me if he was a great man, a kind man…"

"I was only a child when I asked these things."

"Don't be an idiot you are still a child, fifteen does not equal man. But let me tell you about your father. Your father was a man who took what he wanted even without consent of his crave. You see how I hold you down now, I was held down in a much similar way only unlike you my knees were digging into my chest. Then nine months later you were born." I knew my face must've shown horror because she moved away and allowed me to sit up showing me her triumphant smirk.

"You're lying?," she brought her hand to my cheek and I moved away thinking she would slap me but instead she caressed my cheek.

"Sora, Sora why would your Mama lie to you about something like that? I wish it were not true then I would have brought honor to my family not a bastard like you.," this time she did slap me with enough force to make me fall to the side. I remained lying there as she left the room closing the door behind her. My eyes were locked on the floor as I digested this information it making my stomach knot and my insides burn like they were being swirled with a hot poker. Ignoring the feeling of vertigo that had set into me I stumbled towards the closet searching for something, anything to wear. I grabbed the first item of clothing my shaking hand could reach, a school jumpsuit just like the one Yuki had been wearing. Yuki, he always listened to my ranting. I needed to talk to him. I had to see him.

I slipped on the jumpsuit not even bothering to pull up the zipper on the front and ran downstairs to the door hearing my mother's laughter echoing behind me. It was vicious and mocking trying to attack my with its ringing in my ears but I continued to run from it. She had already done enough damage.

o

"Yuki!," there was no response so I picked up a rock aiming for the third window up from the ground, that was the apartment Yuki lived in. I missed, hitting the wall instead so I tried again to no avail. I was never a good pitcher.

"Yuki!," again no response, I was beginning to feel he might not be home and that was enough to make me cry again.

"Sora?," I turned to see Yuki standing with his mother and older brother all of them looking like they had just come from a festival. I had forgotten there had been a festival in town today and Yuki's family always had a Go booth for the attendants of the festival. They were all dressed in kimonos Yuki's mother being the only one who had a fancy look to hers. I averted my eyes from her, she didn't like me much.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"Okaasan, Oniichan…"

"Go but don't be gone too long," Yuki nodded his head and gave a slight bow to his mother then took me by the shoulder. He lead me down the path his family had come through and away from the others going home after the festival till we reached a secluded area where I could freely say whatever was on my mind. I sat myself on a boulder and Yuki beside me with his legs stretched out so they hung off the side of the boulder.

"She said my father raped her and that was how I was conceived, it does explain why she hates me so much doesn't it?"

"Just because your father was a vile man doesn't mean your mother has the right to treat you so terribly. She can't blame you for an injustice done to her by some lowlife."

"I won't tell the English teacher you're speaking in Japanese."

"Sora what does it matter? I trying to help you with your problem and you can't be serious."

"I'm sorry. Its just I don't really want to think about it," I wiped my eyes as tears came down, it surprised me that I still had some left to cry. Yuki pulled me into a comforting embrace and I sighed into the warmth of his body letting it soothe me even though his hand was rubbing the injuries on my back.

"You're bleeding?"

"Its no big deal."

"Don't be stupid, of course it's a big deal my hand is soaked in your blood. Did your mother do this to you?! People like that shouldn't be allowed to have children. Take off your top so I can see how bad it is." I pulled away from him but Yuki grabbed my arm before I could get off the boulder pulling me onto it so he could pull back the top of my jumpsuit. I really wish I had zipped it up now. My back was exposed to him and I heard a sharp intake of breath from him so I forced myself to move away from him. His hand on the small of my back kept me where I was and I let out a small scream of frustration but Yuki either didn't notice or didn't care.

"Stop it Yuki you're just making them hurt more.," he accepted this excuse and released me so I could sit up and zip up my jumpsuit.

"Sora how long has the abuse been going on for? I noticed all the time the bruises and cuts but this… this is so horrible."

"Since I was born. From the moment I came into the world I was hated and I got use to it. I understood that no one would ever like me, that people merely tolerated me…"

"I don't tolerate you. I am your friend! Sora you should tell me things like this! You lie to me!," he grabbed me by the shoulders forcing me to face him and I gasped seeing that he was crying.

"You're crying for me? Don't waste you tears."

"Sora you are my friend. O'course I cry for you. I cry for all my friends.," I couldn't help myself as I looked into his eyes and closed the space between us putting my lips to his. I felt him tense up and knew I had done something very, very stupid but still I didn't pull away. Desperately I grabbed the front of his kimono hoping that this moment would last forever and that I would not have to face Yuki's repulsion. Being this close to him awakened all my senses and made me forget for just a moment that my life was void. He pushed me away making me fall to the ground a rock connecting with my back to add insult to the heart wrenching agony I felt. I looked up at him as he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve and spit onto the ground obviously disgusted.

"I'm sorry," this set his eyes on me and I tried to will my body to disappear, to hide from that fiery gaze. He grabbed my ankle and dragged me away from the clearing towards a pond where he proceeded to pick me up and throw me into the water.

"Wash away your disease, don't you see its wrong for you to be attracted to other males. The only way I can help you is by staying away from you and I will do that gladly. You're disgusting and I don't even want to know for how long you were pretending to be my friend and harboring these sinful thoughts. Stay away from me Sora Reikokoro!," he walked away just like that as I sat there numb staring at his retreating figure. I wrapped my arms around myself trying to fight away the night chill as I slowly made my way out of the pond. My hair was sticking to the back of my legs as did my soaked clothes to my body. I dragged myself back to the boulder and slumped down against it staring up at the moon. So high in the sky, round and full like the happy belly of some emperor. Mocking me. It was looking down at me like everyone else did, showing me how I would never reach past this nightmare. I've ruined another thing, I can never do anything right can I? My mother hates me, my father is a rapist and now my only friend, ex-friend, thinks I'm some kind of pervert. Is this God's way of telling me to believe in Him? What reason do I have to believe in anything when all I've seen and felt is sorrow and pain? My entire life has been suffering and I'm only fifteen!

I slammed my open hands onto the dirt feeling a rock nick my palm, I picked it up. I stared at my blood on the jagged rock then looked at my wrist, so pale like a crisp piece of paper. The vein was not hard to miss, presented to me in dull green trailing up my arm and warping into a soft blue at the elbow. If I followed it up how long would it be before I bled to death? I was already bleeding from my back and head so it shouldn't be too long. I hissed as I dug the pointed edge of the rock into my wrist blood spitting out around it as if my wrist were a volcano. I clenched my hand into a fist to make the blood flow faster and dragged the rock up my arm stopping at the elbow and giving the same treatment to my other arm. Someone once told me that it takes approximately twenty minutes for someone to bleed to death via slitting their wrists. I wonder if that's true but I guess I'm about to find out. I lay back onto the dirt feeling blood warming my almost frozen skin. I turn my head to look at my arm seeing my skin is becoming whiter, I didn't think that was possible. I look back up at the sky letting the smiling moon be witness to my suicide.

"1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi…"

-Luisa Santana

Things pointed out in the story:

Sakura- cherry blossoms, these are like the symbol of love, peace, sorrow etc. and are held in high regard in Japan as the most beautiful of flowers. Samurais use to wear this flower on their armor as it symbolized the representation of their life, short and beautiful.

Arigato- informal 'thank you'

Oi- equal to 'Hey'

Okaasan- mother

Go- Japanese board game, its like chess, the objective is to cover the most space with small, round, pebble-like pieces on a checkered board.

Kimono(s)- traditional, plain Japanese robes

Oniichan- big brother

The Japanese school system is different from the American so Sora and Yuki would be in their last year of middle school since they are both 15. In Japan the legal adult age is 20.

And here are the words to the song mentioned in the story, since its an English translation it's not as accurate as the Japanese original version:

'Dearest'

It would be nice if we could put away and throw out

everything except what really mattered, but

reality is just cruel.

In such times,

I see you laughing

whenever I close my eyes.

Until the day I reach eternal sleep,

that smiling face will

have to stay with me without fail.

People are all sad, so

they go and forget, but-

For that which I should love,

For that which gives me love, I will do what I can.

Back then, when we met,

it was all awkward.

We went the long way, didn't we?

We got hurt, didn't we?

Until the day I reach eternal sleep,

that smiling face will

have to stay with me without fail.

Back then, when we met,

it was all awkward.

We went the long way, didn't we?

We got there in the end.