This story is really freaky eventually. I wasn't exactly sure how to start it off, so if anyone reads it and can think of any ideas for a better place to start it I'd REALLY appreciate it! I was a little vague on purpose sometimes, if I was too vague please tell me! Well anyways, chapter one...

Gone. That was all Nicki could think as she sat on the floor hugging her knees. Gone, he was gone. Not for an extended tour, not until May, not for another sixteen months. Gone, forever. She'd said her last good- bye to him in person a year and a half ago. She would never get to see him again. The military man left while she was sitting on the floor in a daze, ushered out by her boss and the other girls she worked with. They crouched down beside her, speaking to her, whispering, trying to comfort. She was too lost in her grief to hear their words.

It took the military three weeks to confirm Weston's death. No body was ever recovered. Nicki had held fast to the hope that they would find him, that he might still be alive, but when word came that his platoon had been massacred and among them only four bodies were ever found she gave up that last bit of hope. There was finally a memorial service for him. During the time since she'd been told, and the day Weston's memory was buried in an empty coffin, her mother and father-in-law had graciously taken care of Trent so that Nicki could grieve alone. She had trouble holding her baby boy, whenever she did the despair of knowing he would grow up fatherless overwhelmed her. But when the funeral was over she steeled herself for the future she must face alone. She was going to graduate from college soon, start her career, and raise Trent to be a man his father would've been proud of. The time for tears was over. She was ready to go on alone. And when she got home that night she packed up all the things that reminded her of her late husband in boxes, setting them near the door so that first thing in the morning she could put them in her car and drive them over to his parents' house. They would be stored there in the basement until the time came when she would need them to tell Trent who his father had been. Until then, she never wanted to see them again. Perhaps waiting until Trent was a young man himself before seeing the pictures and clothes of her lover and best friend would be too soon. Only time would tell.

By far the first year was the hardest. For the first time Nicki truly realized just how hard her life without Weston had been even before he'd died. She had to balance her time between work and school, as well as taking care of Trent. Her mother-in-law, Jane Guard, worked out of her home and was still able to watch Trent during the week for free, just as she'd done when her son was still alive, off being a war hero somewhere. But now the hope that had helped them all survive was gone. Weston wasn't getting an early release for his exemplary service, he was just gone. Forever.

Nicki finally graduated from college, finding a good job almost immediately after school because of her loss. She was surprised how many of the interviewers actually asked her if she was related to Weston and were very sympathetic after they found out she was his widow. He was after all a hometown, as well as an American hero.

A year after Nicki got her new job she was finally making enough money to put a down payment on a small house with a park nearby in a nice neighborhood. She'd wanted to make sure the place where she and Trent lived would have a big yard or would be within walking distance of a park, because she knew one day her son would need a place to play. His father had been an incredible athlete in high school and she expected that Trent would be exactly the same way. And he would have someone to play with, Weston's younger brothers made sure of that. Brian was a junior in high school, Danny was in eighth grade, their younger sister Cadence was in fifth. The three of them babysat often without complaint, often volunteering for the duty. Cadence had especially been hit hard by the loss of her big brother and never quite recovered from it. Even after two years had passed she still insisted that one day Weston would come back. She religiously checked the news on the war to see if any POWs had been released from enemy camps. Nicki could only wonder at Cade's unshakable faith. had been Weston's nickname for his baby sis.

There were men, at work especially. Lots of men asked her for dates. Nicki Guard was young and upcoming, still beautiful even though inside she felt old and haggard. She flatly refused them all, not caring if feelings were hurt or egos bruised. She still wore her wedding ring, the one she'd been wearing since the week after she graduated from high school. There was no room for a man in her life, Trent being the obvious exception. And yet, while she was determined to keep herself isolate from others she truly had no future to look forward to. Nothing to gain in life but to raise her son as well as she could.

A typical day started with dropping Trenton off at his grandparents' house. He'd been extra tired that morning, and Nicki had to carry him inside, his head resting on her shoulder as he dozed. She almost ran into Danny as he was hurrying out the door, a complete mess as usual. His sandy blond hair was standing up in fifty different directions, he was wearing a sweatshirt that looked like it probably belonged to Brian, and there were papers falling out of his open backpack. He grinned at her sheepishly.

"Hey Nicki, mom's in the kitchen. Could you tell Brian to hurry up please? I'm going to be late to school and I need to finish a project before first hour but he won't eat any faster when I tell him to. Maybe he'd listen to you," he said, speaking very quickly. He was a very hyper boy, but very sweet and innocent for a thirteen year old. Nicki couldn't help but smile back at him a little. He reminded her a little of Weston. Her husband had always had a lot of energy.

"Sure Dan, I'll tell him to hustle it up. I'll see you later okay?" she said calmly. He smiled even bigger, showing off the silver braces that he would be getting off in a few weeks.

"Thanks Nicki. See you later too. Bye Trent," he said, patting his nephew gently on the head and waking the three year old up before running out to wait impatiently by Brian's car.

Nicki continued on to the kitchen, finding Jane at the table, drinking her morning coffee and reading the paper. Brian was sitting at the counter on a bar stool, looking far more sophisticated than his little brother in a freshly ironed pair of jeans, a black cotton button-up shirt, and Doc Martins. Indeed he was still eating his breakfast as though he had all the time in the world. Nicki playfully smacked him on the shoulder.

"I think if you make Danny wait any longer he's going to try to drive himself to school." Brian just shook his head.

"I don't hurry on demand if there's nothing in it for me. I told him getting to school early would cost five bucks and he didn't pan out. It's his own fault if his project is late," he said as he snickered to himself.

Brian was a big boy at age sixteen. He was handsome with dark features, his eyes hazel, his hair black. He'd already lettered twice in football and was being recruited to play at Oklahoma as a linebacker when he got into college. He was smart as well, top of his class in grades. Nicki was always afraid that Brian felt he needed to replace Weston, but never would be able to. He seemed to do all the things Weston used to do, try to be everything he once was. Granted he did seem to have the same poise, the same confident way of carrying himself, the same laid back attitude, but he never would be his older brother. And he should never have to be.

Cadence walked over, having come into the room and hearing Brian's comment she went over and got on the stool next to him, looking like a very small girl next to her large brother. She let her chin rest on his shoulder as she looked at him and he calmly looked back at her.

"What do you want Squirt?" he asked, chewing cereal as he spoke, having to turn his head sharply to be able to see the ten year old.

"Weston would've taken you in early remember? He used to take you in to early morning basketball practices when you were a seventh grader and he was a senior. You should take Danny in. I'm ready to go, we're just waiting for you to finish eating," she said quietly, as usual being the peacemaker between her two older siblings. She had always been Weston's favorite, and he'd made no secret about it.

Brian rolled his eyes.

"Fine, we'll go in just a minute. Go out and get in the car, here's my keys," he said, pulling his key chain out of his pocket and handing it to her. She hugged him tightly around the neck before skillfully hopping off her stool and picking up her backpack, running out to tell Danny the good news.

Nicki and Jane exchanged a knowing glance as Brian seemed to sober a bit, taking a last bite of his breakfast before getting up and stretching his arms behind his head. Nicki patted him on the shoulder.

"Don't do this to yourself B, okay? You don't have to try to be him. We all love you just the way you are. You're a great big brother." Brian shook his head at her, eyes dull now.

"No, I'm not. I need to be him to Danny and Cadence. They never let him go, and maybe they won't ever have to. I'm the oldest now and I have to watch out for them like he used to watch out for all of us. I just didn't know how much he did for us until he was gone and I got to play his part. I don't do it for me, I do it for everyone else. They need it, if they're willing to admit it or not. Right mom?" he asked, making it sound like they'd had this conversation several times before. Jane got up and hugged her oldest boy, even though he'd gotten much bigger than her in recent years.

"Brian, be who you feel you need to be. Think about being yourself, not Wes. I've grieved over losing one son, I don't want to lose the individuality of another. You and Weston were alike, but you weren't the same. Don't try to be, okay? Do like Nicki says, you know we need you more than Weston now."

"You only say that because you think I can't be him mom. I can, I can be just as good as he was." Jane smiled, holding her son at arms length.

"Do we remember the same boy? Your brother was the biggest troublemaker in the county! He knew how to have fun, and sometimes he had too much fun. I know that to you he seemed perfect, but he wasn't. Trust me, he wasn't! There are things he did that you'll never know about because your father and I never told you. Now cheer up, take your brother to school, tease him all the way there, and make sure you pick up Cadence after soccer practice tonight," she said, straightening his collar in a very motherly fashion.

Brian cocked his head at her.

"Wes wouldn't have teased Danny all the way to school. He probably would've helped him with his homework or something, doing algebra problems in his head because he was a genius and didn't have to write anything down," he said, being sardonic on purpose. Jane rolled her eyes at him.

"Tease him because it's something Weston wasn't good at, but you are. He could never roll off remarks like you can. Besides, you don't have to think when you're teasing your brother just like Wes didn't have to think to do math in his head. You can concentrate on driving, you know, something important? I see you later sweetie, okay?" He nodded and kissed her on the cheek, then walked over and nodded to Nicki.

"You working late tonight?" he asked. She nodded. "Can I take Trent with me and Cadence to the playground down the street when I get home from practice?" She nodded again. He leaned over and briefly kissed his nephew on the top of the head before mussing up his hair with one hand and looking at the boy sadly for a minute. "You're especially the one I could never be him to I guess," he said quietly, then turned and left quickly, grabbing his bag off a chair and slinging it over one shoulder.

Jane crossed her arms over her chest as though she were cold and went to sit back down in her seat. Trenton had spotted the family dog and Nicki put him down, her arms tired from holding the boy.

"I guess we're finally starting to heal again if we can talk about him like that, in the past tense," Nicki said sadly. "It's nice. We can laugh about the things he used to do, all the trouble he got in. For a long time I thought I would never get over it."

"I knew I would eventually, I just don't want to. It doesn't feel right to think about him yet. It still seems like just yesterday he was bringing you home for the first time the day you moved here, back in the forth grade. I tell Brian not to be him because I can't stand to be so reminded of him. But I suppose I'm guilty of trying to be too strong for the younger ones as well. It hurt them just as much as it hurt me, and I have to keep that in mind. You on the other hand, you have the heavier burden. You need to move on for Trent's sake. And if part of moving on means finding another man, you have more than our blessing. Trent does need a father figure besides Mike and Brian. He won't remember anything about Wes when he gets older and it wouldn't be fair to him or to you to stay faithful to a dead man. Besides, as much as I hate to say it would mean that Trent could have some brothers or sisters of his own," Jane said, cautiously. Nicki bit her lip.

"I can't. Believe me, I've thought about it. But I can't even think of dating, or marrying. I don't know when I'll ever have the time for it, and even if I did I couldn't marry someone. I want Trent to have a father, and a brother or two for that matter, but I never imagined carrying a baby that wasn't Weston's. The thought makes me sick."

"I know dear, but you knew that there wouldn't be any more little ones even when Wes was alive. You know what the doctor said. The disease ravaged his insides, it was amazing he survived it at all. He never would've been able to get you pregnant again, but at least he survived it and got well again."

"He got well, but what good did it do him? He survives a mysterious disease only to be taken away from me to die somewhere else and I didn't even get to say good-bye. It might've been better if we'd at least been here with him when he went," Nicki said bitterly. Jane stood up again and touched her shoulder, both of them looking down silently at Trent trying to pet the dog for a long, silent moment.

"He didn't die of the illness, but because of it he wasn't shipped out for an additional eight months while he recovered. He got to see his son be born, and took care of him during the first six months of his life while you went back to school. For that I'm thankful, and I'm sure he was too, even if he did have to die alone," Jane whispered soothingly to her daughter-in-law. Nicki nodded morosely, a single tear falling down her cheek. She wiped it away, still looking at her son.

"Trent looks more like him every day, doesn't he Jane?"

"Yes dear, he does. Same smile and eyes, maybe the nose too a little bit. He'll be just as handsome as his daddy when he grows up." Once again Nicki nodded, then crouched down to hug her three year old good-bye for the day.

As she walked out to her car another tear managed to fall from her eyes before she wiped it away, and took a deep breath. She would be strong. She had to be if they were going to survive the rest of their lives without the man she loved.