Children: like Saudi Arabian princes, just with less facial hair and
more money.

Now, I realise that those listening are probably rolling their eyes
and making the usual rationalisations: "Oh we don't spoil our boy
Rodger: he's an extremely well-adjusted and humble child,". Sure. If
by "well adjusted," you mean liable to burst into petulant whinging
at any given moment then you're absolutely correct. It's my solemn
duty to inform you that, tragically, your boy Rodger is the
archetypical child of today: spoilt.

Children can be classed into two seperate and distinctive categories:
kids and twenty-somethings. Kids are noticeable for their ability to
systematically empty the hapless wallets of their hopelessly timid
parents, using tactics reminiscent of several prominent terrorist
organisations (eloquent whinging, sporadic acts of wanton
destruction). Kids are almost excuseable for their actual being
children. Almost. You see, my compassion for these underpriveleged
urchins stems from seeing that effusive orgy of consumerism,
alternatively known as Christmas. Underpriveleged in today's society
is a phrase indicating that they, unlike 1,231 of their friends, did
not receive a gold-embroidered Playstation for their Xmas gift.

Twentysomethings, by contrast, are not children at all per se: they
instead are admittedly too old to go into Toys R' Us with their
(goattee adorned) chin held high. Instead, they seek newer, shinier,
more expensive toys: cars. You'll see them around I'm sure. No wait,
you wont - it's been scientifically proven that the human eye is
unable to track objects moving at faster-than-light speeds. Their
driving speed aside, I know you'll hear them: rap music and/or whiney
rock tunes cheerfully deafening passerbys with decibels guaranteed to
make your ears bleed vehemently. Similarities between kids and
twenty-somethings begin with their need to out-do one another: the
flashier the car the more popular the twenty-something, the more
elaborate the mobile phone the more popular the kid. One can see the
sheer spoilt nature when one refers to kids and mobile phone
ownership in the same sentence. Does anyone else not think that a 6
year old might, just might not need a four trillion euro phone with
GPS tracking, laser guided missiles and four interchangeable types of
phone cover? Well then, perhaps I was raised in poverty.

What amazes me is how the banks/credit institutions (depending on
what Junior wants) continue to shell out sums of cash sufficient to
buy out Microsoft on a continual basis. Where is this money coming
from? Are the parents smuggling drugs and/or starving themselves
simply to appease their ungrateful offspring? It seems that, as our
wallets soar, our principles accordingly plummet. Not that I
exclusively blame the parents, mind you; they simply want to provide
their children with luxuries financial circumstances denied them back
in the Iron Age. However in doing so, by pimping their children for
affection they serve only to coaxe the insatiable greed that is
inherent to us all. By giving it all to the children they send the
message that more is more, and this extends the overall length of
childhood because the "gimme-gimme" philosophy is being endorsed.
This creates the aforementioned twenty-somethings, odious as they
are. "Hook 'em while they're young," as they say. Or
twenty-something, as the case may be.