(Note: this is a slightly re-edited version of a script posted last year, and is being re-used as part of process of resurrecting/revamping my account)

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MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED

[Blank screen. Menacing music begins to play quietly]

Voice over: I thought she was a nice girl....

[Picture fades in. It shows a girl of about 12-13, she is dressed in an outfit, which closely resembles a Japanese school uniform. The out fit is sickly pink and purple in colour. The girl clutches a wand, with a silver heart at the top]

Voice over: ...then she attacked.

[Camera closes in on the girl’s face, she laughs evilly]

[Music stops. Scene change to a television studio. A Reporter stands in front of a large video screen]

Rem: Mahou Shoujo [1]. Sailor suited heroines of justice or menace to society?

Rem: I’m Rem Narcolepsy, and you’re watching ‘MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED’. Tonight you will witness the footage they didn’t want you to see, hear witness reports they didn’t want you to hear and discover the darker side of the Bishoujo Senshi. [2]

[Video screen changes to show an eight-year-old girl, dressed in a standard Sailor outfit, it is blue with silver ribbons]

Rem: Princess Candy Heart. You think she looks pretty harmless don’t you? You think she’d be the type of girl who would help old people with her magical powers and sell Girl scout cookies for charity don't you? Well think again.

[Shot fades out, replaced with grainy security camera footage of a local park]

Rem [voice over] It was a normal day when...

[An elderly lady walks in to shot. Out of no where Princess Candy Heart appears]

Old lady: My cats stuck in a tree [points off screen] you look like a nice young girl, will you rescue him?

Candy Heart: You have a problem with a tree aye...I’ll soon fix that pesky tree. [Pulls out crystal wand, and aims at the tree]

Candy Heart: FUNERAL PYRE BLAST OF DEATH!

[Candy sends a burning ball of flames at the tree, the tree is reduced to charcoal, a pitiful meow is heard, then silence]

Old Lady: My cat.... Mr Twiddles! What have you done... you monster!

[Candy Heart laughs; she snatches the old lady’s purse]

Old Lady: My purse!

[Candy clouts Old Lady with her wand, Old lady falls to the ground in obvious agony]

Old Lady: My hip...I think it’s broken

Rem [voice over] and this wasn't the worst of it, the tiny terror decided to continue her one-woman crime spree, at the local shopping district.

[Various shot of Candy running amok in the shopping centre. She breaks the window of an electrical goods shop, by throwing her tiara of power into the glass. The glass shatters. Candy laughs, then steals a Walkman, and several small items that were on display in the shop window]

Security guard [approaches nervously] Excuse me miss.... You.. Can’t do that...I’ll have to phone you’re parents and take you into custody.

Candy: Did you say custard. I like custard

Security Guard: I said custody not custard

Candy: I like custard [A large blast of yellow light hits guard melting him into a blob of custard] Yummy I like custard [picks up a handful of the security guard/custard and eats it]

Candy: Bored now, what else can I play with...You! [Points wand at an innocent civilian, and sends a fire ball hurtling towards them]

Civilian: Argh! [Dives for cover behind a hot dog stand, the fireball hits the hot dog stand, causing it to burst into flames]

Rem [voice over] unfortunately even that couldn’t save him.

Candy: Hot, hot hot hotdogs! Better put that out. FROZEN HELL BEAM! [Blasts hotdog stand, turning it into a giant ice cube. The civilian can be seen floating in the ice cube, he is frozen in a pose which makes him appear as if he is trying to run away]

[Picture changes to once again show Rem in the TV Studio]

Rem: Candy’s little crime spree lasted for several days, in which time, she killed 4 civilians, turned a further 17 crime prevention specialists into various sweet Food’s, and caused over $ 25,000 in damage. She was finally apprehended after a 6 hour drinking binge. Candy passed out and was taken to hospital under police escort and was found to have over twice the recommended safe limit of alcohol in her blood stream. It turns out that she had used disguise power to make herself appear to be 21, old enough to be alcohol, and this was the sorry result.

[Video screen changes to show a prison ’number plate’ shot of Candy Heart]

Rem: So the public is safe.... For now. But there are other magical girls and this is in no way an isolated incident. This reporters advice, lock up you’re doors and bolt down those windows, because you never know when a Magical Girl might pay a visit to you’re neighbourhood.

Rem: stay tuned, ‘cause after the break we have more shocking footage!

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[1] Mahou Shoujo - Magical Girl

[2] Bishoujo - pretty/beautiful Girl

Senshi - Soldier

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[Rem sits on top of a desk. She shuffles papers and looks absent minded, in a TV news reporter style. After a few seconds she looks up and towards the camera]

Rem: ...And we are back!

[Puts paper down, and coughs to clear her throat]

I’m Rem, and your watching MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED. The only show brave enough to expose the darker side of the Mahou Shoujo!

Now, if the last part of the show didn’t convince you that those sweet little girls with magical powers, are in fact, rotten to the core, stick around, ‘cause this next story certainly will!

[Picture on video screen changes from legend reading ‘MAGICAL OR MENACE? to a picture of a girl aged approx 9-10 years old. Her Magical girl outfit is similar in appearance to the dress worn by Alice, in the Disney film, ‘Alice in Wonderland’ The girl has pink hair, tied up in pigtails. She clutches a wand topped with a Silver Star]

Rem: Pretty Princess Magical Cookie, or Cookie to her friends. A complete picture of innocence, or so it seems. But as Candy Heart has taught us, appearance is often deceiving. Now, Roll film!

[Camera cuts from studio set, to pre-filmed video, Rem narrates via voice over]

[Shots of Magical Cookie skipping down a street. Light joyful music plays in the background, similar to the main theme of ‘Peter and the wolf’]

Rem: A happy and innocent child, who spreads joy wherever she goes.

[Shot changes. Shows a fat, greasy looking man, also walking down the street, the theme from ‘Jaws’ plays]

Rem: The type of man those parents warn their daughters to stay away from.

[Shot changes, Magical Cookie holds hand with sick children, while singing her ‘Happy healing song’, appropriate music plays]

Cookie: [sings] Let’s all hold hands with a Song in our heart,

Lets all get along with a Song in our heart

Close your eyes, 1, 2,3,

Now you’ve all been healed by me!

[Previously sick kids get up and dance about]

Sick Kids: We all love you, Pretty Princess Magical Cookie!

Cookie: And I love you all [smiles sweetly]

Rem: Anyone would wish that someone like Cookie lived in his or her town.

[Shot changes back to ‘greasy looking man, music switches to ‘Jaws’ theme]

Rem: But no one wants to even get near this guy.

[‘Greasy man’ scratches his crotch. Then walks into a shop. The sign in the window reads ‘Adult videos]

Rem: What could be the mysterious connection between him and Cookie?

[Screen changes to show grainy security camera footage]

Rem: Please does not adjust your sets. What you are about to see is completely real, no television trickery involved at all.

[A small child wanders into shot]

Child: Oh no! I’m all lost and alone. I sure hope some big scary monster doesn't appear out of nowhere and try to steal my energy from me.

[A Youma type monster jumps out from behind some dustbins]

Youma: Ha ha. I have came to steal your energy.

Child: Argh! A monster! If only Pretty Princess Magical Cookie was here. She’d save me for sure. HELP!

[Scene changes. we see ‘Greasy Guy’ leaving the porn shop, carrying an assortment of brown paper bags. No prizes for guessing what's in them]

Child [shouting from off screen]: Argh! A monster! If only Pretty Princess Magical Cookie, was here. She’d save me for sure. HELP!

Greasy Guy: Oh no! A citizen needs my help [Drops paper bags to the floor, various pornographic videos spill out on to the floor] MAGICAL PRINCESS COOKIE POWER UP!

[Greasy Guy transforms into Princess Cookie. (Transformation sequence includes partial nudity)]

Rem: Do not adjust your sets. What you just saw was 100% accurate. Seemingly innocent Princess Cookie is actually a perverted middle-aged man! Who would have guessed?

[Shot changes back to small child and monster]

Child: Help! Help!

Youma: Ha, its no uses screaming, nobodies going to turn up and save ya. He he

Voice from off screen: Think again, slime.

Youma: What...No it can’t be...

[There is a flash of pink light, and then Princess Cookie appears]

Cookie/Greasy Guy: Its wrong to try to abduct and kill children! My name's Magical Princess Cookie and I’m going to teach freaks like you a lesson!

[Cookie points her wand at the Youma]

Cookie/Greasy Guy: COOKIE CRUMBLE OBLITERATION!

[The Youma is hit by a stream of pink and silver stars]

Youma: No! It can’t be...I can’t be beaten.... I...

[Youma dies]

Child: Wow! Thanks Cookie.

Cookie/Greasy Guy: Good, now run along home.

[Kid skips away]

Cookie/Greasy Guy: Now where did I put those videos?

[Film ends. Camera switches back to the studio]

Rem: Princess Cookie is no more than a cross dressing porno fanatic. Now you may say, ‘What's the problem s/he still helps people and defends justice’. But here at MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED we say something else. We say, do we really want a transvestite Porno junkie hanging around our children?

Rem: We’re going to take another break. But stay where you are! Coming up in the Final part: How to spot if your daughters a Magical girl, and what to do if she is. And some exclusive undercover footage that you don't want to miss!

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Thank you to everyone who reviewed the original version. (all 11 of you!)