Part 3

Rem: Parents of America, and satellite viewers in the UK, what would you do if you found out your daughter were a Magical Girl? Would you rejoice at her newfound powers? Would you bask in the serenity of her reflected good Karma? Or would you be left disgusted and angry that it was ever allowed to happen? Why not watch this witness testimony while you decide?

[A pre-recorded video is shown. Rem narrates via voice over. A large, middle-aged, woman appears on screen. The phrase “like the trailer trash that appear on the Jerry Springer show” describes her look, outfit and accent exactly]

Rem: Some people would be pleased to have a Magical Girl for a daughter, Saffron can not be counted amongst them.

Saffron: We didn’t suspect anything at first. Madison just seemed to be staying out later and more often than usual. But he thought that was just ‘cause she was growing up, ya know.

Rem: Nothing could be closer from the truth.

Saffron: One night we got a call from the state police. They said that Madison had got hurt in a fight, and that we should go to the hospital right away.

Rem: Madison's distraught Mother rushed to the hospital, she was prepared for anything.... Anything that is except what she saw.

Saffron: She was lying there, on the bed. Her left arm was in a plaster cast, and there were bloody gashes across her face. But it wasn’t that that I was bothered about. Madison was dressed in one of them Sailor suits. All short skirts and ribbons! I could hardly believe it, my Madison was a good girl, and she used to go to Sunday school and now its church twice a week. I have no idea how she got involved with that type of people. I brought her up to be a decent clean livin’ gal. I said ‘Madison, sweetie. This has got ta stop. No daughter of mine in going to be a Sailor Scout. You can have a good decent job, suitable for us Trailer folk, like Erotic dancer or Waitress, anything but Magical Girl’

Rem: But Madison wouldn’t be swayed.

Saffron: She said ‘Mama, your jus’ got to accept it. Magical Princess Trash, is who I am. And there is nothin’ you or Daddy can do ‘bout it!’ So I say ‘Madison, well if that's how ya feel, you don’t come back to the Trailer, I don’t want the neighbours to see ya like this’ It was the only thing I could say. I mean, there's good white Trash like us and bad Trash like her, and I didn’t want bad trash in the trailer park, if ya know what I mean.

[Film ends. Return to studio]

Rem: Saffron was so disgusted that her daughter had become a magical girl that she disowned her and chucked her out of the family trailer! But this needn't have happened; the happy family didn’t have to be torn apart. If only Saffron had noticed the early warning signs, she could have stopped Madison’s wild ways before things got out of hand.

[Legend on video screen changes from ‘Magical or Menace’ to ‘know the signs!’]

Rem: Parents grab your pens and pencils, because you’re about to here what could possibly me the most and important item feature on the show! The early warning signs which point to your daughter being a Magical Girl.

[As Rem narrates, the main points scroll onto the screen, arranged in bullet point format]

Rem: One, has your daughter started spending time with new friends who you have never seen before? Are they coloured coded and/or co-ordinated? Is one of them a much older, but highly attractive young man? If so, it is likely your daughter is actually part of a Magical Girl team.

Two, has an unusual or new pet suddenly taken up residence in your home? Did you and your family immediately accept the presence of this pet, as if it had always been there? If so, it is likely that your daughter is a Magical Girl and the animal her advisor or companion.

Three, Do you find yourself blacking out and missing large parts of the day? This is an indication of high levels of Magical Girl activity in your vicinity. The Black out is a side effect of the sleep-rays given out by both Magical girls in there transformed state and various Youmas, Demons and Fiends, allowing them to prevent detection by normal mortals.

Rem: If you recognise two or more of these signs, then it is almost certain that your daughter is a Magical Girl. Take action immediately. Telephone your local Magical Advice department, they will send out a specially trained taskforce to deal with the girl in question. They will take the girl in to custody, and using a combination of counselling and Electric-shock therapy, will show her the error of her ways, and set her back on the straight and narrow. She’ll be back to her life as a normal, non-magical, average teen in no time!

Rem: And now its time for the main event, the video you’ve all being waiting for. The undercover footage which will show once and for all, the truth about Magical Girls!

Roll film!

[Picture dissolves to pre-recorded video footage. We see a building, which resembles a castle, but made out of a pink, crystal like material. The camera turns round to show what appears to be a Magical Girl, but on closer inspection, it becomes apparent that it is actually a man in a dress, wearing a pink wig!]

Ned: Hi, I’m special investigative reporter Ned Hemmingway. The building you just saw was the Headquarters of all the Magical Girls in the world. The mysterious Magical castle of a Woman known only as Queen Mahou. We at MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED, tried to talk to Mahou about the recent rise in Magical Girl violence, or why exactly she was creating Magical girls and sending them in to urban combat situations, but she refused to give concrete answers. So we were left with no choice, I am about to sneak into the castle, disguised as a magical girl, to get to the truth, once and for all.

[Shot changes. The camera moves in towards the castle. But the picture is blurry and the screen is shaking from side to side]

Ned: [whispering] to avoid detection, I’ve hidden a camera inside a supposed transformation wand. Lets just hope no one notices.

[First person view from camera. Approaches the door to the castle, a pair of Magical Girls stand guard. They appear to let Ned walk past without suspecting a thing]

Ned: [whispering] So I’m past the guard, that was easier than I thought, now to have a look around...

[Camera shot blurs out. When the picture returns, we see room full of Magical Girls. They are engaged in a military style work out]

Commander Magical girl: On the floor, I want two hundred push-ups from all of you. One...Two...Three....

Ned: They appear to be training for something, but what?

[Camera shot blurs out. When the picture returns we see room full of armour, guns and assorted magical weapons]

Ned: The equipment in this room looks more suited to an army, not an organisation that claims to support peace and justice.... Oh my God, it all makes sense now, the rise in Magical Girl violence, the military training, and the weapons.... Queen Mahou is not trying to defend justice; she’s building an Army! But for what purpose...

Voice: Excuse me, you’re not allowed in here!

[Camera spins around. A woman appears in the shot. She is dressed in a long black evening dress, had long silver hair, and is wearing a crown. It is Queen Mahou, leader of the magical girls.

Queen Mahou: You are not a Magical Girl! What are you doing here!

Ned: err...

Queen: Answer me, mortal

Ned: I...I...I’m special undercover reporter, Ned Hemmingway. And I want answers! Queen Mahou, why are you building an army? Is it a new militant peacekeeping force, or something more sinister? Is it a conspiracy to take over the world? Do you intend to...

Queen Mahou: [smiles suspiciously] I think you know too much, Mr Hemmingway.

Ned: Does that mean I’ve uncovered something you don’t want the world to know?

Queen Mahou: No, It means I can’t let you leave.

[She raises her left hand. A pink and blue ball of energy forms around her hand]

Queen: PAIN BLAST IGNITION!

[A ball of energy shoots towards the camera. Ned screams, and drops the camera. The camera falls to the floor but continues recording. In the far corner of the screen we can just about make out Queen Mahou]

Ned: [faintly, and off screen] it’s true. Magical Girls are a danger to us all, everyone watch

out, I don’t know when there going to strike, or where, but I can guarantee, it’ll be...

Queen Mahou: Still breathing are we, well this just finish things off. INFINITY DEATH BEAM!

[There is a flash of bright pink light.

Ned: Argh...Tell my wife I love....

[At this point the camera cuts out completely]

[Return to studio]

Rem: So there we have it. Over the course of the show, we’ve seen them destroy families, rampage through cities and be disgusting pornography junkies. And now we have startling new evidence that they are forming an army, which could endanger the safety of the world, as we know it. From this evidence alone, this reporter has to say that there can be only one answer to the question, Magical Girls, guardians of justice or menace to society? And that answer is....

Voice off screen: I’d be careful what you say if I was you.

Voice2: You never know, you could meet with an unfortunate accident if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do!

[Shot changes. We see Princess Cookie and Princess Candy, the magical girls featured in parts one and two]

Candy: Why are you doing this, Rem? You wouldn’t like it if we revealed you secrets.

Cookie: You wouldn’t like it, if we ruined your image as a good-natured girl, by revealing you like porn.

Candy and Cookie: You'd hate it if your secret plans for world domination was revealed, wouldn’t you?

Candy: BURNING DEATH PYRE!

Cookie: FROZEN HELL BEAM!

[Both fire multicoloured energy blasts at Rem. Screen goes blank]

[After about thirty seconds, this message appears on screen]

[After some minutes have passed, the television studio fades in. We once again see Rem.

Her outfit is in tatters, she is bleeding from several places, including a nasty looking gash below her left eye.]

Rem: Sorry for that minor technical difficulty. Now where was I...oh...the question? We asked, Magical Girls, Sailor...

Princess Cookie: [of screen] just read the card.

Rem: Sorry. I would like to announce that all the evidence uncovered on this show, to prove that Magical Girls are evil, was actually a malicious fabrication on the part of the Production Company. We are sorry for any inconvenience caused. In reality magical girls are kind and generous individuals who work for the good of mankind, and wouldn't even dream of committing a bad deed.

I’m Rem, and you’ve been watching MAGICAL GIRLS UNCOVERED. Thank you and good night.

[Credits roll]

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Notes.

I apologies for the trailer trash thing. It seems painful for me to read it the second time around.

I think that in this story/script I was trying to copy the feel/mood of the trashy shock documentaries that seemed to be flooding cable television at the original time of writing. I’m not sure if I fully pulled it off or not.

Anyway, tell me what you think. If your an old reader (still remember me from last year? probably not) post a review and say Hi. If not just review anyway. How can I improve if I don’t know what my strengths and weaknesses are?

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Completed 12.40pm (GMT)

15-7-03

Reposted: June/11th/2004