What a Waste

"There is an opposite to everything. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Living might be the opposite of death, but both sides of opposites considering death is questionable. Happiness and hatred can be opposites but can also lead into regret."

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It's another day at school and the usual gossip and rumors were filling the halls. It's really sad how people continue to be so self absorbed in their little lives that you can't help wonder how these people will be considerate to others. I've finally given up in being accepted to these mindless peers of mine. Sure, I am sometimes considered as selfish for not caring and understanding them, but they don't even try to understand me. I used to work my heart out and pursue what I was really interested in, but then no one really cared and whenever I did one mistake everyone got disappointed at me so then I gave up. Pathetic, I know but isn't everyone pathetic in their own way? What I consider a real disappointment to myself is that I let myself down, it's hard to live with that.
Most of my classmates 'hate' me in the sense because I'm different. You know the saying, "All of you laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at all of you because you're all the same" well that's kind of like me. Too bad for tolerance. I have enough shit to go through my house, that I also have to put up with these hypocrites. Just because I'm 'weird' or I'm a 'psycho' doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I get hurt; I take everything to the head. I'm basically messed up; I have been traumatized with many things when I was a child. Everyone goes through shit, why do they have to point me out and make fun of it. Just because I hate living in reality and pretend that I don't care anymore, doesn't mean that I don't care on what people have to say. I can relate to them in all the ways I can think of and why they do such things, but can they at least be a bit considerate and think about what they're saying? Can they at least just shut the hell up if they don't have anything good to say? I might say bad things just for the hell of it, but I don't point people out, especially the people I hate. Hate's a strong word; and I intend to use it because that is how I feel. All these things that are going on, I have no choice to take it to my grave. It has tormented me in many ways, if I'm such a bad person and if so many people want me dead, for their contentment, I will happily end my life.
It's finally our lunch break and I couldn't see Ryan. He's usually over at the courtyard writing about something or doing homework just to get ahead. He doesn't have much to do at home rather than be the middle of his parents' fights so to get out of that scenario he just does whatever. I finally saw him eating under one of the trees while feeding little birds. I started walking towards him. His green eyes were looking at the birds with a rather melancholic stare. I leaned against the tree and looked up at the sky. He then glanced at me.

"Hey Cassandra. Looking rather pale as usual." He smiled and started looking at the birds again.

"Well Riles, I'm pale but I'm not the one who has a black eye. What the hell happened to you?"

"Your dad punched me when he saw I was fucking with your mom."

"Interesting. My parents aren't here; they're over in the States doing business. I guess you fucked our 74 year old maid." I looked at him, while we were both laughing.

I really wanted to know what happened to him so I asked him again, "So what happened to your eye?"

"My dad and I got into a fist fight again, he was shouting at my mom and he was ready to hit her. I pushed him away and he punched me in the eye and left the house. I'm not sure where the bitch is now. Bloody Hell, my mom even got pissed off at me." Ryan said in disappointed tone.

"Sorry about that, so are we going to do what's according to plan still?"
"Better believe it." He looked up at me and smiled, I just looked down on the ground knowing that we'd both regret it.
Ryan and I are planning to kill ourselves. Bad idea, maybe, but who the hell cares. Ryan won't tell me where he's going to get the gun from but he promised he would get it.
When I think back, I start to believe that our lives are already destined. That it was fate that leads me to meet Ryan and help him out. The only thing that wouldn't consider as fate is when you kill yourself. That it was not written for any person to decide for themselves when they should die. I guess God is the only person who can decide when you should die and if you go against it you'll be punished. One thing I'm sure to get out of this is for God to realize how much I forsake him. That I would rather go to Hell than anywhere near him. Sometimes I joke around that Hell won't even accept Ryan and I because even Hell may fear us.
I was wondering when Ryan decided when we should kill ourselves, so I went online to .com to check out when he planned when we should meet up and kill ourselves. I know it would be better by going up to him and asking, but I know he was pretty busy so I just went online and started reading his LJ.

Ryan wrote: Well not much news today. The usual gossip and whispers were filling through the halls as usual and I of course went over to the courtyard and started feeding the birds again. I'll sure miss them when I die, I know all of you find it rather weird that I would miss the birds I've been taking care of during school rather than my whole family. At least these birds never put me down and are always grateful when I do something good. Also, when I need someone to talk to, they stay there as if they were listening. I don't mind if they don't understand a thing I say, but at least they try. Sometimes, I wish my parents could try to understand me, but they're always caught up in their little worlds. Of course I want to enjoy my world as well, but I'm forbidden to. I live in my parents' world for they control my life while I am still under the age of 18, which sucks big balls. Cassandra and I are planning to kill ourselves and I know the perfect date in which we can accomplish such a goal and make it so meaningful at the same time. Hopefully, when someone finds all the people see, and us they'll finally realize that even though we're not like them, it doesn't mean we didn't have feelings. This should be a huge wake up call for them but at the same time I'll finally get my rest. Hopefully, there's something else good after death, after you kill yourself. Maybe, after Cassandra and I kill ourselves, we might not have to go to Hell. Well it's midnight. 'Till next time.

Every single time I read Ryan's posts, it reflected who he was and how he really felt. His true emotions that could not be expressed by words is translated when you read it carefully, analyzing every single word he writes. It can capture so much emotion and sadness and each spec of our struggle. Many might think we're selfish teenagers who don't know what we are doing, but how can it be selfish? We're doing this to make the people that surround us happy and content. Of course there will be a month of sadness but then they will forget about us. However, there is one person, or if He is a person, to realize the message what we're putting out there. I can't put it in words, but it's more of an action and reaction explanation. I have given up though, there's no reason why I should keep living in this place people call a LIFE. It's Thursday, April 8th, 2004 and this will probably be the last Thursday I will ever get to live.
Well, it's Good Friday. God's dead! If there even is a God. Ryan and I aren't going to school for we are going to celebrate. We planned to meet up at the park; it should be deserted at this time. I start walking towards the park since it's only a block away from me. From a distance I saw Ryan laying down on one of the benches looking up at the sky. It's 3:08 AM in the morning, so the stars are still out.
"Hey Ryan. So what's our plan for today?"
"THIS IS!" He then pulled a gun at my face and pulled the trigger. It went click and nothing came out. I looked at him for a while, it was a joke but it wasn't in a way.
"That wasn't funny or scary." I placed my hands behind my head staring at him straight in the eyes.
"Well, I was just checking out if you were really ready to do this. If you screamed or stepped back, it would be a sign that you're scared of death. Anyways, let's just go to your house. No one's home right?"
"." I replied, a bit confused.
"What's wrong?"
"I thought we were going to commit suicide today."
"Not today, on Sunday."
"Nice date, Easter Sunday. The day God come back to life."
We start walking to my place and upstairs to my room. I went to lie down on my bed straight away and started looking up at the ceiling. Ryan went to my balcony looking up at the stars again.
"This is the last two days of our lives. What should we do?" He asked, looking up at the sky.
"I don't know. Make the best of it I guess. We are wasting our lives for people who want is dead. We should at least enjoy these last two days no matter what anyone says."
He then looked at me straight in the eyes. Whenever he does that he knows that I'm always about to cry because of how melancholic he looks. He knows how much I love him and I'd go anywhere with him. Even if we were condemned to die in hell and suffer with so much pain. I wouldn't care, as long as I'm by his side.
He started walking towards my bed and he went on top of me.
"What are you doing.?" I said while a bit scared of his actions. He then looked deeply into my eyes and I closed mine. We were kissing and making out.
"It's our last days ever being alive, we might as well do everything we'll miss physically." He whispered in my ear making me blush.
We started taking off our clothes and went under the covers. We were enjoying each moment being together and becoming one. We were wrapped in each other's arms.
When I woke up, I was in his arms and he was looking straight at me, smiling. It was the first time I actually saw him happy and I smiled back, hugging him. I didn't want to think how this was our last moments of being together. I kissed him and he kissed me back. At that moment, I didn't feel like dying. I felt like living in eternity with him. For the next 35 hours, that's what we tried to do. Each moment we were holding hands and kissing.
It was 5 minutes to Sunday and we were in front of the local Roman Catholic Church. I was holding Ryan's hand tightly and we pressed each other's head together. A minute passed and I could hear Ryan's heart beat. I couldn't help it anymore, and I started kissing him passionately, while I was crying.

"I love you Cassandra." He said, he was teary eyed but he still had that happy expression to his face.
"I love you too." I placed my head back on his shoulder, while we were ear to ear. We heard each other's heart beat and we were both looking up at the sky. This was for God, when he comes back to life, he'll see our suffering. He'll see what happens when he abandons us. Since he wants all of his 'children' to be happy, then we might as well kill ourselves to make those 'children' of his happy. I hated him with all my heart. Just to make everyone happy, we had to do this. So many reasons why Ryan and I are doing this.
I saw Ryan putting the gun to the other side of his ear. When the piercing bullet goes through his head, it'll go through mine. It's almost like killing ourselves at the same time. I closed my hands and with one last I love you with each other he pulled the trigger.