Her Autumn Leaf

A single leaf fell from the tree that morning. It wasn't even red yet, just a pale green as it slowly floated to the ground. The wind didn't interrupt its fall and it landed gracefully on the ground just below where it once clung to the tree.

Autumn watched the leaf falling, her dark green eyes following its gentle path to the ground. She felt like she was watching the very first autumn leaf fall that year. It was a glorious feeling watching the last movement of this leaf while it was still alive. By tomorrow it would be .and surrounded by many other leaves, just another in the group, but now it was alive and unique. A small smile threatened her lips. She found it so strange how that small trip could end it all.

It was at that moment a strange and chilling thought entered Autumn's head. What would it be like to fall to the ground like that leaf? What would it feel like to take that trip which would end it all, sixteen years down the drain?

There was a loud crack as her small fist made contact with the wooden window sill, with its white peeling paint. She pushed the thoughts from her head turning away from the window. Leaning against the window sill she took a deep breath and closed her eyes willing anymore thoughts away. She cleared her mind, emptying it like water from a tub leaving only a numb blankness.

Ever so slowly she leaned away from the sill letting her feet take over the weight of her body, which wasn't much anymore. Standing on her own now, she let her feet lead her out of her bedroom. Her feet seemed to work without her mind's consent and soon Autumn was out on her front sidewalk.

She followed the sidewalk to the end of the street, walking under the canopy of trees just starting to change their colors. It was the perfect picture of a small Connecticut town in the early fall. She passed by the white picket fences that surrounded dying gardens. The white paint was peeling away with age on almost all, though a few shone with fresh paint. She studied the small quaint houses as she walked by, smoke curling up from ivy covered chimneys. She lived in the perfect town; the grass never browned and by the time it did it was covered with a soft layer of snow. The trees were never brown, they'd be golden and nothing was ever grey, it was silver.

A car horn blared and Autumn was wrenched from her thoughts and thrown back into reality. Her head snapped up and she realized she had stepped into the street right in front of a moving car. The car angrily swerved around her and she was left standing half way in the street in a daze.

Just a foot father and she'd have been hit.
"Too bad it didn't." She muttered bitterly under her breath. Before she could stop them the thoughts came back, pushing into her mind. She couldn't quiet the little voice in her head. How easy it would be to just step in front of a speeding car. How long would it hurt? Would the driver blame himself or would he say she was blind and stupid? She'd become just one more statistic. Maybe it would be just easy to end it all; it would at least get rid of the voices in her head. No, that wasn't her talking!

Putting her face in her hands she let out a muffled scream. "No, no, no, no!" It was like a tribal chant repeating in her head in line with her pounding heart.

Another car horn sent her running across the street. She looked around her trying to get her bearings and realized she was close to Maple Creek Park. Taking a left she walked slowly toward the small metro park.

Abruptly, she stopped, her hands shaking. Ahead of her was the old bridge that separated the park from the rest of the town. Running underneath its wooden frame was a small stream. Autumn knew it was a popular senior hang out, but lowly sophomores weren't allowed down their.

Her eyes were wild with fear as she studied the low railing on either side of the bridge, easily climbed. She took a step back, stumbling slightly over the thin layer of gravel on the sidewalk, but she didn't seem to notice. Her eyes were glued to the bridge. She knew she shouldn't and she wasn't she why, but suddenly she started forward, drawn to the bridge by a force she couldn't fight.

One foot in front of the other and she found herself peering over the old railings of the bridge that separated her from the cold waters beneath. It hadn't rained in many weeks and the rushing creek had slowed to a lazy trickle. The water carefully made its way between twigs and rocks that littered the creeks bottom, now protruding from the shallow waters.

She thought of watching the leaf earlier that morning as it fell gracefully to the ground only to die among the others that would soon fall. Would she, too, fall gracefully to the ground? Should she try to find out? A crazed smile danced on her lips as she thought of the rushing air on her face, the pounding of her heart as she fell. She knew if she fell, she would be like the leaf, floating gracefully because that is how things worked.

Someone tapped lightly on her shoulder. Startled, Autumn looked up to see a young woman standing behind her.

"Are you okay, dear?" The woman asked in a soft, careful voice.
Autumn's face contorted in anger, her smile quickly disappearing. What was in the woman's voice? Fear? Pity? Yes, Autumn thought looking at the woman's face; it was a mixture of concern, pity, and even fear. A low growl rose in Autumn's throat. This woman was afraid! Did she think that Autumn would throw her over the bridge? Did she think Autumn would kill her? She wanted to kill herself, no some stranger!

"No!" Autumn screamed, forgetting everything except what she was thinking. Her voice cracked and her eyes grew wide. "No, I don't! Never!"

The woman jumped back, her face showing the fear she felt. She watched as Autumn's face when from crazed joy, to anger, to absolute terror.

Autumn took one look at the woman's alarmed face, turned and fled. She ran past people not caring if she made anyone jump aside. She ran across the streets paying no mind to the car horns and squealing tires.

'I'd rather they didn't stop.' Autumn thought despairingly.

Out loud she cried into her hands, "No, I don't!" She ran faster still as if trying to run from her problems, leave them in the dirt. Yet, how do you run from something that is inside your head. She felt like she was running from her shadow.

People watching shook their heads sadly. In small towns like Pleasanton everyone knew everyone else, and all their problems. They felt sorry for the girl's mother; bad eggs always show up in the best families. Now a' days there was no telling the troubles teenagers would cause.

Autumn saw their stares and she had some idea of what they were thinking. In her head the screams grew louder. One voice kept repeating 'no' over and over. Another was screaming for the people to stop watching her. She hated their stupid pitying faces that followed her down the street, thinking that she was just some hopeless case. "You are!" Another voice screamed vehemently.

A scream slowly rose in her throat. It burst from her with the fury of a hurricane. "Shut up!" Tears were streaming down her face as she kept screaming at the top of her lungs. She could taste salt on her lips. The voices in her head grew louder and her voice cracked. "I'm not listening! I'm not listening!" She chanted loudly, trying to drown out the noise in her head.

Gradually her feet slowed as the rest of her energy drained away. Weakly she repeated the words one last time before collapsing on the ground.

Pulling herself up carefully she leaned up against a tree and let the tears fall. She had no shame as she cried; she cared not for the glares of people walking down the street. She felt a weight being lifted as she let the tears pour out, and her mind felt calm. The voices had been silence and she was left only with her own tears.