The child released a healthy wail as it tore itself from her body. She had known from conception that this child would be her very last. All throughout the pregnancy it had been difficult and towards the last days before the birth, deep down she had known all along that she would not live to see this son enter the covenant of circumcision set by his great-grandfather Abraham. The mid-wife was speaking to her now, but she had not the strength to hear. She watched in the dim light of the tent as a servant girl took the squalling infant and began to bath him and clean the blood from his innocent body. Tears welled in her eyes; how odd that everything seemed to be moving so slow and yet in her mind her memory was playing back quicker than she cared for it to in these final moments. Her eyes left her son as she heard a commotion outside the tent – one of the female servants and a voice she well recognized. Light flooded the tent for a moment as her husband entered against the protests of the mid-wife. She looked at him, watched the horror that entered his eyes at the sight of the blood, and knew that her time really was shorter than she had realized. As she watched him try to mask the fear in his eyes as he came near her and bent down by her side, she remembered the first time she had ever set eyes on him.

He had been younger then, barely a man, but still he had taken her breath away. That day still was as clear in her mind as though yesterday. That day had begun like all the others of her girlhood; waking before dawn to go and gather her father’s flocks and herd them to the well with all the others. And there he had been standing with the other shepherds; from the moment she had set eyes on him… she had known he was the man she was meant to be with. And oh the amazement and wonder of it when that light entered his eyes the first time he looked at her; he had rolled away the stone and watered the sheep just to spend time with her. Jacob, the son of Rebecca, her father Laban’s sister and the grandson of the famed Abraham; she remembered her joy at hearing that Jacob was going to stay and work for her father… a joy that would not be equaled again until the night he asked for her hand. Seven years had been like an eternity and through all that time only one hope had occupied her mind more than her wedding day – that a man would be found for her older sister Leah. But when seven years passed and Leah was still unmarried she should have known her father would do something; it went against their ways for the younger to be married before the first, but never had she imagined that her father would pull such an underhanded trick as to get Jacob drunk and veil Leah to the point that no one knew she wasn’t her. How her heart had broken that night, held captive in her tent, forced to know that after the music and celebration was over it would be her sister and not her in Jacob’s arms, sharing his bed for the first time… how her anger had burned against Leah! Only now did she realize that that anger had never ceased after that night; it had grown and festered. And when Leah was blessed once, twice, three times and then four with sons one after another the flames of jealousy had been lit. How many nights she had cried in her tent when Jacob went into Leah’s, knowing that he did so because she could give him the heirs she could not. A day had not gone by that she did not look back and feel shame and regret at her words to her beloved: ‘Give me children, or else I am going to die!’        

Jacob’s angry words still rang in her ears, ‘Am I in the place of Elohim, who has withheld from you the fruit of the womb?’     

And that was when it had all begun, when she made the terrible decision to turn away from Jacob’s God and take things into her own hands…   

‘See my female servant Bilhah; go in to her, and let her bear for me, and let me be built up from her as well.’                                                                                                   

Then the rivalry had truly begun between her and Leah, each giving their female servants to Jacob to bear pseudo-children to call their own. After the birth of Asher by Leah’s servant Zilpah, Rachel had thought that that was the end of it… but still the jealousy was there between them; the rivalry for Jacob’s attention and presence had never ended.  

Rachel knew it was her own fault; Reuben, Leah’s firstborn, had found mandrake root – an item well known for its effects on a man’s desire – and she had desired to have some in hopes that Jacob would come to her tent and be pleased with her again, for she knew she had hurt him deeply with her plea; that he felt that she had somehow cast blame on him for her barrenness. She had been so desperate that she had committed an even worse crime against her beloved; she had sold him to her sister, like some servant… and as her punishment, Leah had been blessed with another son, Issachar. Because of his displeasure against her for what she had done, Jacob did not visit her tent for a long time, and Leah bore her sixth son, Zebulon and a daughter after that. After that, she had given up; she would never be able to compete with Leah and her children… she knew she had lost Jacob.

With no children to comfort her and the knowledge that a woman without children was a shamed woman until the day she died, she had finally broken down and cried out to Elohim. That night, for the first time in months, Jacob came into her tent. How she had wept in his arms when he said he forgave her, that despite the children Leah had borne him that she was still his beloved, that she always had been and that though Leah was the first wife, it was not so in his heart. That night after they had made love she had felt joy unlike any she had known before, for she had been absolutely certain she felt life stir within her and weeks later when it was confirmed her joy was unequaled when Jacob went out to slaughter and give thanks to his Elohim. The birth had been hard, but Joseph had been healthy and the apple of his father’s eye from the moment he held him in his arms. It was not until she had finally become a mother herself that she began to see things and understand her sister; for the first time she saw the sadness and resignation in her sister’s eyes every time Jacob went into her tent… despite their competition, Leah had always known that there was no real competition for Jacob’s heart… and Rachel understood then why Leah had been rightfully blessed with her children. After that Jacob had cut the ties with her father and decided to take them all back to the land of his father Isaac… and that was when she had committed her greatest crime. Though she had finally found it in her heart to forgive her sister, her anger had always burned against her father, for she knew that it was because of him that everything had gone the way it had with Leah; as they were packing up to leave, she saw her chance at revenge. Her father did not follow the Elohim of Jacob, but bowed down before highly prized idols of gold. If they were to go missing, he would panic and believe that he was cursed… so in a moment of rash thinking, she had taken them and put them in with her things hidden under blankets. Never had she imagined that he would follow after them and demand them back! Jacob did not know she had taken them and in his ignorance, he had sworn before Elohim that whoever Laban found his idols with, that they should not live… it was because of that fear that she ran to her tent and sat upon them and when her father came she lied claiming she could not get up. Later she had disposed of them, buried them by a tree, and prayed that the curse that Jacob had invoked would not come upon her. Time had passed, she and her son and the rest of Jacob’s house had entered into the land of his forefathers and made peace with his brother Esau, she had been able to raise her son long enough that she knew he would not forget her, and she had even begun to think that maybe, just maybe Jacob’s words had become nullified somehow… but now, as she lay there, her vision dimming, she wondered if this was not their fulfillment.

After that day, she had done all she could to repent and cleanse herself of her sins, of her jealousy and anger; she was thankful she had managed to make peace with Leah… if only she could have made peace with herself.

She felt Jacob’s hand caress her cheek, drawing her attention back to him.

She saw the look in his eyes and knew that he knew; she had always suspected that he knew she had taken the idols, and now she was certain that his own words were coming back to him; each one stabbing him in the heart.

She gathered what little strength she had left to speak, “The Elohim of your fathers, Isaac and Abraham, have blessed me mightily, my love. First He gave you to me, and now He has taken away my shame with two sons.”

Tears were streaming down Jacob’s face, his brow furrowed, “Oh, Yahweh forgive me, had I known… had I known…”

He sobbed and she reached out a shaking hand to his face. 

“Am I perfect, that I should be exempt from right-ruling, my beloved? You are not Elohim, that you can know His ways or His purposes. He has granted me more than I deserved, and given more than I was worthy of…” She pulled in a gasping breath, praying for the strength to have just this one more moment, “Has He not given us love the likes of which we have never known? Has He not forgiven us both the sins of our past? I thank Him for the time He gave us… I love you, Jacob; despite our trials and tears, I would not have given you up for anything…” She could not find the strength to keep her eyes open any longer and the weakness in her body was finally taking hold. She felt Jacob’s hand squeeze hers as she whispered, “You now have twelve sons… may the blessings of Abraham be upon them… may they become like the sands of the sea and the stars of the heavens… too numerous to count… and the name of your last be Ben-Oni, ‘son of my sorrow and iniquity’…” A sweet, sweet kind of rest came over her as she stopped fighting and let her body relax.

She drew in one more breath of earthly air…         

It was over. Jacob watched as the life left Rachel’s body; he closed his eyes, assuring himself that her spirit was in Elohim’s hands now and would remain there until his would join her someday. He opened his eyes and fought back a sob as he leaned forward and kissed her still warm forehead. After a time, he became aware of the presence of the midwife and servant girl. He wiped the tears from his eyes and stood up. He walked over to the midwife, who held his newborn son in her hands. He looked at her and she gently placed the child in his arms. “Leave me.” He commanded them. They both looked at each other and discreetly left the tent, leaving him alone with Rachel’s body and the baby. He let out a deep breath and cradled the child in his arms; he smiled bittersweetly as he looked down at his son. “Ben-Oni, you were the son of your mother’s sorrow, the son of her iniquity and her wrong-doing… but Elohim shall not make you bear the weight of either of your parents’ pasts… Benjamin shall be your name – ‘son of my right hand, the son of my happiness’ – for as your mother was my beloved and my right hand, so now shall you be also and in you is the fullness of our love and our joy. May the Elohim of your father, and your grandfather Isaac, and great-grandfather Abraham bestow all the blessings of His goodness upon you, my son… my little Benjamin…”