Here it is, the second installment of the most random thing I've ever written. A quick recap,

walrus dead. So don't expect a return of that asshole.

Oh, and while you're reading this, I just wanna plug The Adventures of Jimmy and Satan. It's

faster than actually updating it. But seriously, I spent a lot of time on that, and I'll probably have to

spend nearly as long on the second chapter. It's damn good, and no one read it. Do so I say.

Anyway, story now.

--

It was a sunny Saturday afternoon. Bill and Mitch had walked to the local 7/11 for Icees,

and while they were in the store, the merchandise had prompted a discussion about snack food.

They now were on the trip back to Bill's house, Icees in hand, and were still continuing their

conversation...

"So, you're gonna call your chips 'Cornholes'?" Bill asked.

"That's right" Mitch replied. "Cornchips, shaped like Cheerios, or Fruit Loops, but made out of

corn. Like Fritos. So far, I figure they'll come in three flavors; Barbecue Cornholes, Red Hot 'N' Spicy

Cornholes, and even Chocolate Cornholes."

"Oh yeah. Those are gonna sell." Bill rolled his eyes and drank some of his Icee. Both of them were passing

by the park, when they heard the sound of crying from next to a bench.

Mitch paused on the sidewalk. "You hear that?"

"Yeah. I think it came from those shrubs" Bill replied, pointing at some bushes next to a bench

The two of them went over to the area, following the sounds of crying. Bill found it first, turning aside

some leaves that were obscuring a basket full of blankets.

"Dude!" Bill exclaimed. "There's a baby right here!"

Mitch crouched to look at the baby. "What was it doing underneath that bush?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Bill answered. "It must be some kind of plant and human hydrid pod baby. We're

gonna have to send it back back to the hell from whence it came." He stood and raised his foot to stomp the

basket, but was put into a full Nelson and dragged away by Mitch.

"Dude, you can't!" Mitch said as he turned Bill around, placing himself between him and the baby. "Remember

that week we spent in the Army Reserves? Sarge told us about this."

SIX MONTHS AGO

Bill and Mitch are in a classroom, dressed in combat fatigues. They're hunched over desks, watching

the Drill Seargent who's at the front of the room in front of a blackboard. He points to a chalk drawing of a baby.

"Now which one of you weak-chested, air-headed bags of fertilizer can tell me how to respond if you

find a baby in a combat zone? Private Williams?"

Bill rises and stands at attention. "Sir yes sir. I would execute the baby with my standard issue .50 Desert

Eagle and destroy the remains with Thermite. I'd then take a compass reading to later call in full air support

to carpet bomb the vicinity, just to be safe, Sir!"

"Incorrect, you maladjusted, pill popping liability to the Armed Forces" The Seargent bellows. "Killing

a human baby is not only wholely unnecessary in combat, it's also morally and unequivocally evil. The exception

to this is when if you could somehow know for a fact that the baby would grow up to be the next Adolf Hitler,

or the next Fred Dursche. In which case, the decision to terminate becomes the lesser of two evils. Private

Mitchelson! Can you answer this question in a manner that neither shocks or disgusts me?"

Mitch stands up as Bill takes his seat. "Sir, yes Sir. If the correct course of action isn't to kill the baby, then

I suppose you should, maybe...give it a gun? You know, to defend itself, in case Bill comes along and finds it

later?"

"Oh, so that's how it is?" Bill mutters as he turns away from Mitch.

"Also incorrect!" Sarge shouts. "Believe it or not, the average human infant is on a mental level even

lower than you yourselves. As such, they can not be trusted to safely use a firearm, and if given one could only

be a danger to itself and others." As Mitch takes his seat again, the Sarge turns and starts marking the

chalkboard.

"If you somehow happen upon an abandoned baby, the correct protocall is to bring the baby to your commanding

officer, so that they may turn it over to the proper authorities to look after it's welfare. If you are unable to do this, your

second course of action is to secure the baby in a tree, out of reach of predatory canines." Sarge turns back to

Bill and Mitch, who stare blankly at him. "Now write this down!"

"Yes Sir!" both of them reply as they start taking notes.

PRESENT DAY

"So you see Bill, we need to get the baby to our commanding officer. Do you have Sarge's home address?"

"Too late, man" Bill said, pointing behind Mitch. "While you were having your little flashback, a coyote came

and drug it off."

Mitch turned and looked where Bill was pointing, at the trail of blood and clothes leading off into the park. "Aw,

damn it all."

"Yep." Bill said, taking a sip of his Icee. "It's the stupid shit like this that got us kicked out of the Reserves. That,

and the fact that neither of us were old enough to enlist."

"Eh, I still think we should have armed the baby. It may have been able to take on that coyote with one of these."

Mitch brandished a Desert Eagle pistol.

"Dude, you kept that? The Army wanted those back."

"For real? I thought you still had yours. Like, if I had to give this one away, I figured I could always borrow

yours."

"Nope. If I still had that thing, I'd 'a went to work on those copies of E.T. my cousin sent me from the landfill."

"Dave sent you more of those things?" Mitch asked as he chambered a round. "Sounds like we got some

plinking to do. Lead the way."

--

For anyone who didn't get this reference, a little backstory is in order. In 1983, Atari got the rights to make a game

off the movie E.T. The Extra Terrestrial. The end result was so bad that people literally wouldn't take the game for

free, and five million copies were dumped in a landfill in New Mexico. I managed to get a copy myself and play it

(Yeah, I ahve an Atari. Three of them. And they all work) and I can tell you it is that bad. I'm keeping my copy

because it is quite possibly the worst game ever made, and as such is a piece of history.

Anyway, that was the second chapter. It wasn't my first choice for this chapter, but since I'm not real big

on continuity, I can still do what I initially had planned. If you read this far, leave a review, and tell me what you think.