Edge of the World

by Tsuyuno

I wrote this story. You steal, you suffer.

5.27.04

Edited: 6.23.04 by Jessica (Broken Dissidence) |-- thanks. ^.^

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The wind blew violently; tugging and pulling at her white dress. It pulled it this way and that way, but the girl didn’t care. She was sitting on the edge of the world.

She wondered idly if the wind would carry her back up if she fell. She wondered idly if wings would sprout from her back if she slipped. She wondered idly if she would care at all.

Peaceful. The edge of the world was so peaceful. There was no one there. She was alone, and she preferred it that way. The sun shone brightly, and it bathed her in warmth that was so relaxing. The wind had trickled to a breeze that caressed her skin. It was quiet. She preferred it that way. Alone.

She heard footsteps, and turned her gaze to the door. It creaked open loudly, disturbing her world. Such a sound was not fit for the edge of the world; her haven and her paradise.

A boy emerged from the door, panting and out of breath. Pale strands of blond hair fell into his bright blue eyes. He said nothing as he walked toward her slowly; cautiously. He stopped when a slight frown appeared on her face.

He spoke, and the words sounded alien at first. “What are you doing, Eliane?”

She blinked owlishly once, then twice. Then she looked at him and gave him a look that clearly stated that she thought he was an idiot. She said in a matter-of-fact-manner, “I’m sitting on the edge of the world.”

The boy stared at her for a moment before he recovered. He said coaxingly,” Sitting on the edge of the world is no fun Eliane. Let’s go back.”

She pursed her lips tightly together and shook her head childishly. “I don’t want to go back, Judas. I like it here at the edge of the world.” The boy, Judas, was shaking slightly.

He said,” Please Eliane, let’s go back. Everyone’s worried about you.”

That seemed to have struck a nerve, and many unpleasant memories and feelings invaded her mind in an instant.

She panicked.

She cried out shrilly,” Stop it Judas! Stop it! You’re ruining it! You’re ruining it! You can’t bring things like that into the edge of the world!” And Judas froze, fearing she would fall.

“Please,” he said again, “Eliane. Please. Let’s just go home.” And she looked at him, his desperate eyes pleading with her to do something that she couldn’t do. She didn’t want to leave.

He was trembling, and she couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just leave. She couldn’t understand why he was trembling with what looked like fear when she felt so safe here. It was the edge of the world. It was her haven; her paradise.

She looked at him with sad green eyes and whispered just as desperately as he looked,” No. No, Judas. If I leave, the bad feelings will come back. I like it here. I’m safe here. I feel happy here.” He looked confused, but she would say no more.

He paused, and then said,” If you won’t come back, then I’ll stay with you.” Her eyes flashed with anger. She wanted to be alone.

She said angrily,” No! Go back Judas.” His face had a mulishly stubborn look on it, and she scowled.

He said with a hint of frustration in his voice,” I’m not leaving. There’s clearly something wrong with you, and I’m worried. If you’re not going back, I’m not going back either.”

There’s clearly something wrong with you … I’m worried. It set off a trigger and she screamed in frustration, startling the boy so much that he stumbled back a step. His eyes widened as he watched tears suddenly stream down his best friend’s face.

“There’s nothing wrong with me!” she screamed,” Why can’t you leave me alone? Why can’t you all leave me alone? Don’t worry about me anymore!! Leave me alone!!!”

Judas’ shock soon turned into anger, and he yelled back. “That’s because we care about you! We love you, Eliane! That’s why we worry about you!”

She bit her lip so hard it almost bled. Then she said quietly,” What if I don’t want you to care about me? What if I don’t want you to love me? If I said that, would you stop? Would you leave me alone?” … And would the feelings of guilt go away?

Judas calmed down and scowled. He said,” It’s not as simple as that, and you know it Eliane. Why are you running away? It’s not like you.”

She stared at him. It’s not like you. She said vehemently and desperately as she clutched her head in her hands,” What do you know of me? What gives you the right to say that? Nobody knows how I feel!”

He said quietly,” Then tell us. Tell me. How do you feel Eliane?”

Was he mocking her? She screamed again in frustration.

“I’m tired of living with the guilt! I’m tired of feeling depressed all the time and not showing it. I’m tired of people looking at me with expectant hopeful eyes, only to be disappointed.

It hurts! I’m tired of laughing and smiling when I feel like crying.

My mother’s screams pierce through my heart every single day. I’m always disappointing her! I shouldn’t have been born!

And the teachers…they pull me aside to talk. Do they know how their words laced with worry, disappointment, and resignation poison me? I will never, ever be an honor student again. Yet they keep hoping, and I keep disappointing them.

My friends take no notice of how I’ve drowned in waves of depression. They can see a flicker behind my ever-present grin, but they choose to ignore it. And I let them.

I sit, and I think about my life. What am I doing? Should I even be here? Why am I here? Is it worth it?

And I think … I think of all the people I’ve disappointed. I try! I do! But then I fail, and the pain increases when I think of how I’ve disappointed everyone… I don’t want to worry anymore… I don’t want to think about it anymore … I’m just … so tired… really, really tired …” She seemed depleted of energy now as she slumped forward. Judas sighed. It was just like her; always eager to help out, always eager to please. It was also just like her to wallow and drown herself in self-pity. Eliane could be self-centered in that way.

“My god.” He said finally,” I think you’ve been spending too much time thinking Eliane.”

She trembled. That was all he was going to say? She stood, and sat on the edge of the world again; this time facing out. Her legs dangled over the edge, and Judas panicked.

“Can you please leave now, Judas? Can you leave me here? It isn’t too much of a request from your best friend, right?”

There was silence for a moment, before she heard the door creak open. It closed with a click. Finally, she was alone again.

She wondered idly if the wind would carry her back up if she fell. She wondered idly if wings would sprout from her back if she slipped. She wondered idly if she would care at all.

So one moment she was sitting on the edge of the world, and the next, she was not. She had expected to feel some sort of relief but she screamed in fear the moment she pushed herself off.

Pain shot through her arm, and she looked up to see Judas’ extremely angry face hovering over hers. But there was something else… he was crying.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?!” he screamed at her once he had managed to pull her back up again. She sat there quietly, unable to think of anything to say. She felt different. When Judas had pulled her up again, it seemed her depression had been left behind; fallen and splattered in the streets below.

Finally, she said,” I think you almost dislocated my shoulder Judas.” He blinked at her disbelievingly. She had almost died, and now she was worrying about a dislocated shoulder?

Eliane smiled at Judas,” You live up to your name as a traitor.” He looked at her, utterly bewildered. “You were supposed to leave, but you didn’t.” There was a pause. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Judas gave her an annoyed look. “Like I was really going to leave my suicidal best friend on top of a five story building. Yeah, sure.” He snorted, and Eliane laughed.

She linked hands with him, and said,” Come on. Let’s go home. I have lots of things to say to everyone.” Judas smiled softly.

He said,” Yeah; oh, and one more thing, Eliane?”

“What?” she said.

“No more sitting on the edge of the world.”

She smiled. “Okay.”

And they went home.

-the end-