Past Me

I wake. The room is dark and cold. I can't remember where I'm at; I can't remember last night.what did I do last night? I look around the room, it's somewhat familiar. But I can't seem to place it. My head hurts.my body aches. I try to sit up and my head spins so I fall back to the pillow beneath my head. It's then that I notice I'm not alone in this solitary room; I'm not alone in the bed. I look to my right and find him sleeping. I can't see his face all I see is his bare back and then I remember. John. My ex that I swore to myself that I would never go crawling back to until now obviously I've done what I swore I wouldn't do. "Damn it!" I whisper to myself aloud. I hear him grumble and softly snore. I look over to the alarm clock to my left. 4:32.4:33.and counting. If I leave now I could sneak back into my house without being caught. I look and the floor I see my clothes in a pile next to his, I'm going to assume. I carefully get out of bed and pick up my clothes and go to the bathroom inside the room. I keep the light off and the door open. I put on my bra, then my shirt. Then he comes up behind me. Holds and pulls me toward him freely running his hands all over my body. I won't lie. I have missed him and his touch and his kisses.very much. So its obvious to say, even though I let him go.like two weeks ago, I still wanted him but I still need to let him go. Doing this was not going to make it any easier. We know each other very well and he touches my one spot that he knows I can't resist. "Don't. I have to go." I tell him trying to resist him. I hear him laugh and he kisses my neck and continues to explore my body even more. "You can stay a little longer."He said between kisses. With great effort I pull away from him, "No. I have to go home. I'm going to get bitched at if I don't." I told him with my back still turned to him. He turns me around and kisses me roughly and I can't pull away from his tight grip. He stops kissing me and I stand there still trying to resist hoping he'll let me leave. Unfortunately, with him, things were never that easy, if you can't already tell. I open my eyes and look at him; I place my hands on his chest and push myself away. I can't see him but I know he's watching me. I step back from him and pickup the rest of my clothes. Quickly putting in my pants on bare. "Why are you leaving so soon? You used to stay and play with me.what happened?" he asked me as I looped my belt in the loops. "We broke up," I reminded him, "No, you broke up.I never agreed to anything." I looked at his shadow. The sun would be up soon, I really had to get home. I pushed past him and looked for my shoes and put them on. 4:58.4:59.and counting. I heard him grab a pair of shorts of something from his closet. I left the room but didn't get far he was right behind me and had grabbed me by my arm looking deep into my eyes. I could see him better in the hallway. His hair wild.along with his personality, his eyes a crystal green, his wonderful muscular body. He let my arm go and led me out the front door to his car. He drove me home shirtless and the sun began to rise. He dropped me off telling me to call him, "Yeah right!" is how I responded.
I ran to my window and quietly entered in. It was Saturday morning and I have no clue what I did last night. Instead of going back to bed I decided to take a shower. I looked over at my clock on my wall, 5:32.and counting. I took a hot shower trying to wash away my memory of him. I love him but I found out what he does for 'fun' and I wasn't going to be the girlfriend of a druggie. Here I am.Jessica Diel. Not the girlfriend of a druggie, but still sleeps with. That's just great, Jessica. Just peachy. The hot water runs icy cold but I don't care I just stand there not feeling anything at all. I sit under the water feeling it beat against my back. Tiffany, my step mom, knocks on the door yelling at me for taking up all the hot water. I don't care. I tune her out by singing my favorite song quietly to myself.

Playground school bell rings, again. Rain clouds come to play, again. Has no one told you she's not breathing? Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to. Hello.

If I smile and don't, believe. Soon I know I'll wake, from this dream. Don't try to fix me I'm not broken, Hello. I am the light living for you, so you can hide. Don't cry.

I reach for my razor blade and break it in my hands holding onto it tight watching the blood run down my fist. I open my hands and keep singing.

Suddenly I know, I'm not sleeping. Hello. I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday.

I open my hand and look at the blades and the broken plastic. With my free hand I carefully remove the blades from the plastic. I put the plastic by the soap on its holder still holding onto the blades. They have been crushed as well and only half of one remains. I take hold of it singing again.

Rain clouds come to play, again. Has no one told you she's not breathing? Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to. Hello.

If I smile and don't, believe. Soon I know I'll wake, from this dream. Don't try to fix me I'm not broken, Hello. I am the light living for you, so you can hide. Don't cry.

I take the blade and hold it against my wrist; it is then that I notice that I am shivering from the old water. I don't think about the cold water or anything else except for the past few years of my life. Since mom died, it's been hell ever since.I met John at a party two weeks after her funeral. I fell in love with him. We were together for two years then I found out about his problem not too long ago and I called it off. More crap happened in between then like dad marrying Tiffany and getting her pregnant. Great. About Amber dieing in that car crash after their marriage.isn't that weird? I found John after mom's death, and lost Amber after dad's new beginning? How ironic. Now I want them to miss me.its their turn to lose something they love.if they even love me. I took the blade and ran it across my right wrist, cutting through the skin. I didn't feel any pain I felt relief. I switched hands and cut my left wrist. On my left I felt a little bit of burning, but I pushed the feeling aside. I felt the icy cold water within minutes, the stinging of my wrists, and the shower room started to spin. I looked down at my wrists looking down at the water turning red. I heard my dad calling to me from outside the door, Tiffany yelling about being late.I didn't care. I turned on my back and the water got even colder as it fell on the top of me. Blackness started taking over and I wasn't going to fight it. Then I knew I was going. Going and never coming back. I hear my dad banging on the door, until he finally bust it open. I saw him run to me, feeling my pulse. I heard Tiffany screaming, and dad turned off the water. He lifted my naked body out of the tub and with a towel, "Call 9-11!" he echoed to Tiffany. She was crying and he carried me to his car. "Down die! Don't let go! Hold on Jessica! Hold on!" his voice sounded far away. I was slipping and I was still not going to fight it.
Then within seconds we were in the hospital and I was no longer in my body. I watched as doctors and nurses tried to revive me. I felt myself being called and pulled back to my body, but I resisted. They wrapped my wrists in bandages to stop whatever blood I had left from streaming out. A part of me was still in my body. I was staring at myself. My body winked at me and smiled faintly.then.my past was dead.