Office Freak’s First Adventure!

“Meow” the white cat said.

“Mew.” Her tortoiseshell kitten added for emphasis.

“FEERRREETT!!” the tiny spiky haired, bulgy eyed person clinging to the banister screeched.

The screech brought a very tired woman out of her office. She looked up at the person then looked at the space where the girl’s felines were staring.

“It’s a file, Freak,” she said, raising an eyebrow. The girl, Freak peered down.

“You sure? Because it was acting awful ferrety before.”

The elder lady reached out with her toe and poked the file. It didn’t move, uncurl or jump up and bite her toes off. Therefore not a ferret. She turned back to Freak.

“Definitely.”

“Oh, ok!” Freak said brightly and sprung down from the banister without a second thought. She picked the file up, pausing only to unhook a dark blue stapler from her top and scold it for scaring her. Then she lifted the file over her head and followed by the cats, ran off to place it in the archives singing loudly. The other woman shrugged and went back to work. Par for the course with Freak around.

Freak followed faithfully by her companions, FreakCat and FreakKitten scuttled up the four flights of stairs to the Archives or as she called it, The Evil File Place. She scrabbled up the seven foot tall shelves to check the number of the file corresponded then slammed it into place beside the others. All files looked the same. Pink and staple filled and evil. The staples tried to bite. That’s why Staplemite, the aforementioned blue stapler was always with her. To beat it’s evil, bitey children back into place. FreakCat and FreakKitten had shown up on the very first day she started work. At the door at about 10am. They didn’t like being separated from their FreakOwner.

Unhooking Staplemite once more she chatted away to the stapler as if it was her oldest confidante. And could answer back. Who knew, perhaps it did. But of course, only the resident Freak and her cats could ever hear it.

“Stupid ebil files. Ah yes I see you there, Waiting to make me bleed with your staple badness! EBIL!” she yelled to a random file. A voice floated up from the stairs.

“Umm Freak, just thought I’d tell you that there’s been a leak. The files on shelves 5 through to 7 need moving on the spare shelves in the other room.”

“OK! Thanks for telling me!” she yelled down. Then the corner of her mouth twitched as a drop of water landed on her head.

“Stupid ebil rain.”

FreakCat and FreakKitten went to hide under the spare shelves because being cats, they didn’t like the rain. Freak and Staplemite worked on the evil files, to’ing and fro’ing, muttering and stapling.

It came to about half past 3 and Freak was just turning to get the last bunch of files when something in the darkness winked at her. She blinked and immediately shot up to the relative safety of the nearest high shelf. FreakCat and FreakKitten joined her.

A hideously ugly, green furred, giant ferret slunk out of the darkest corner of the room. The resident’s Freak’s eyes went wide. Well, wider.

“That is definitely NOT a file. You see that Staplemite? THAT’S WHAT A  FERRET LOOKS LIKE!!”

The ferret, which was about 6 feet long and 3 feet tall looked up at the Freaks on the shelf. Well, three Freaks and a stapler.

“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWR!” it said.

 “Meep.”

“Mewp.”

“FEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEET!”

The ferret ignored the screeching Freak, who was now slinging files with the accuracy of David Beckham given free kicks.

“Take that you ebil ferrety green monster!! And that and that and that and that!”

Still ignoring the Freak, the files and the FreakFelines, the ferret turned and lumbered downstairs to a chorus of screams and faints. Freak temporarily stopped tossing files like pancakes to actually have a sensible thought.

“That thing has to be stopped!”

This was followed by the lady’s voice from downstairs.

“That’s a ferret, Freak”

Downstairs, the giant ferret was well, being a giant ferret. It had already chewed through three computers (still active at the time), a door (luckily not active) and was now making it’s way towards the outside.

Via chewing through the reception desk. The receptionist meanwhile had done the most sensible thing. She’d ran out screaming, packed her bags and got the next flight to Japan.

The ferret was just about to make the final chew through the desk when a small voice spoke up from behind it.

“I hope you’re going to pay for all this damage.”

The ferret growled at the tackily dressed girl standing on a chair. She whipped out a large metal bar and pointed it at it.

“I’m the defender of fine furniture! The connoisseur of kicking vandal butt! I’m the magical maiden with the hex on your soul. That’s right, it’s Lovely Witch Mystic Carrie!”

The ferret grunted and turned back to the desk. The “Lovely witch” turned red with rage and twirled her bar.

“Sugar sparkle FLAMBE!”

The ferret’s eyes popped open as a series of blue-coloured sparkly…things hit it in the butt. It then started to do a very fast lumbering run towards the unfortunate Mystic Carrie.

“Why aren’t my attacks working? This doesn’t happen in the comics! The pretty heroine doesn’t die on her first time out! Waaaaah!”

A small hand grabbed the metal bar off her.

“Frilly plonker.” said Freak. She held the bar like a baseball bat and as the green, evil, ugly, furry beast of ferretdom lumbered up, chompers at the ready she yelled,

“OFFICE FREAK WHIRLWIND ATTACK!”

And whacked the ferret between the eyes. The ferret dropped like a stone.

“Meh.” Freak said dismissively tossing the bar back to Lovely Witch Mystic Carrie whose jaw was practically down at her knees.

“Wow! You must be like a super-powerful Magical Heroine!” Carrie exclaimed.

Freak snorted cheerfully.                         

“Me? Nah, I’m just a regular Office Freak!”