The Storm

Some people get depressed when a storm approaches, while some others simply cuddle under their warm blankets and sleep. But for me, things are different. As for how different you would have to judge for yourself.

I sighed when I felt the strong winds journeying though my home. It was that smell again, that peculiar smell that informs you of the approaching rain. I buried myself into my hands and wept at my own incompetence. I blamed fate, sometimes even God Himself for what happened even though I know I can only blame myself. Somehow it just makes me feel better pushing the blame onto someone else.

Guilt and regret can only describe half of what I am feeling now. Those horrible memories came back to haunt me despite my desperate efforts to keep them away. Then again, they never really seemed to be gone; they would always be there, at the corner, constantly reminding me of my stupidity...

I used to have a close friend, his name was Wiek Long, we used to share the same interest, we used to live in the same flat and we used to go to school together. He was an indoor kind of person, and he was not as active as me in every aspect. We used to this and that, he was this and that, all thanks to me; I would not be using past tense to describe him — if he was still alive that is.

I love storms, or at least I used to love them, and I would run over to the nearby drains to look at the currents flow. I was young back then and seeing the currents gush attracted me for some reasons. It sort of reminded me of the animals travelling in herds, except the water is faster, and stronger.

In stormy days like those, I would run over to a nearby drain to watch the currents while Wiek Long would wait for me with my bag in a nearby shelter. That was one interest he did not share with me because he thinks running out into the rain just to watch the currents was crazy.

In those days, the big drains was not well fenced, giving people like me have a chance to go down the grassy slope to the drain. I’ve been there many times, so I knew exactly how to balance myself and not to get too near so that I could prevent the currents from washing me away. I know it was dangerous and mother punished me many times for that, but as long as I could keep myself un hurt, everything was going to be all right.

Even now, I still doubted I was in my right mind when I pulled him along to enjoy the currents with me. I was very excited back then, so I dragged him along, but little did I expect he would lose his balance so easily.

He fell. It was then I woke up. I grabbed onto his arm hoping to pull him up but the currents were so strong that it was pulling me in, so I had to let go, in order to save myself. I watched with my own eyes, how I let go of his arm, how the currents had drowned him and how I had ‘killed’ him.

The case was later closed and was classified as accident. This matter reached the higher officials and they fenced off the drain, making it impossible for people to go through by normal means.

I was punished for my actions of course, but they had never made me feel any better. Perhaps what I did was beyond punishment.

Years passed since the incident occurred and I have yet to forget what I did to be tormented like this. I guess this is what they mean by ‘mental scar’, something that will always remain in your mind till the day you die…