I stare down at the ashphalt - my new home for the next few minutes... I am content to just lay here with my bare knees digging into the rocks and I know I desserved to be pushed like that. And called those names.

"Celest," it's a different voice. Not that of my tormenting boyfriend, but Ryan. My old childhood friend from down the street. He helps me up and I brush pebbles off my knees, and heart, and give him my smile. He does me a favor, doesn't ask why I was on the ground, wipes a clean slate, selected amnesia, god I love him then. He'll forget he saw me laying there in all my pathetic glory. "You've lost weight," he comments, looking me up and down from his 2 year old memory of me. "Old news" I announce, waving my hand as though to dismiss my agonized-over accomplishment. Ryan does not know I have murdered the girl I used to be. The one who collected stickers and stuffed animals and wore red hair in braids. I laugh at how naive it all sounds, knowing even then that my insides had already begun to twist themselves. And by now they are twisted even more, squeazing out all the life and hope, like a dish-rag, ridding itself of old, dirty, water. Except that I feel more dirty as the blistering hot days drone on.

He is still looking, losing his breath over the girl I've become. Skinny oh-so-skinny in a starved way. It's a look I love. Bleach blond, and beautifully cheap looking at that. I'm dressed the part of hoochie rough-me-up girlfriend I'll still suck your cock. I almost tell him I'm on sale today. Oh, lord, how I want him to scoop me up and make me his. If only to belong to someone kind and less cruel. I know it is a choice I make, but I'm not kind to myself, it's obvious.

Ryan and I walk in silence, we circle the neighborhood. I pull out a ciggarette, offer him one. He shakes his head. He still has that smile of mischevious innocense. The same one he's had since we were pretending to be married. I remember that kiss and I think it's maybe the most sincere one I've ever had, even if it was just two sets of virginal children's lips pressing together for a few seconds, naive eyelashes fluttering nervously, I'm wearing mama's old bridesmaid dress though the waist-line reaches the ground. It's a moment I'll always treasure and just then I wish I could tell him how much it meant. Instead, I sigh, and drag on my ciggarette. Relishing how disgustingly depraved I have become. Cuts on my legs, track marks on my arms, oh that's a recent feat though. I was never a junkie before. But in the wake of my father's most recent attacks on my self image, becoming an addict suddenly seemed so heartbreakingly glamorous. I just had to add it to my shopping list of self destructive acts. Maybe one day someone will tally them up, look at me, and be all OH GOD, Celest, are you ok? Don't even answer that, I know you're not. Let me help you. You need some lovin'.

I laugh at myself. You, love? Ha, you need love like you need a cock up your ass, Celest honey. You can be so silly sometimes. So foolish, you whore. Is that myself talking? Or My boyfriend, Derrek? Or my precious daddy? Ryan is giving me the look. The why the hell are you laughing I haven't said a thing, you crazy girl, look. That's a look I'm all too used to. But at least he's not angry at me for laughing without a reason. Derrek would be. Where is Derrek anyways? He dissappeared after he pushed me to the ground. Or was it after seeing that I wasn't going to make any kind of move to get up or defend myself in any way? He's gotta be lurking around here somewhere. Watching me talking to this other guy. "I have to go now." I announce, abruptly. "Damn, well, see ya around." Ryan says. He nods in my direction, and I run as fast as I can back towards the park. I better wait by the basketball court. Better wait for Derrek, he'll be mad that he didn't know where I was. He'll be mad that I disappeared, even if he's the one that disappeared. You know how they are, always hating me for what they did.

It hits me then, as I'm struggling to run while trying to keep pulling down my denim mini-skirt so it doesn't ride up and show my underwear, what Ryan must have been thinking the whole time. Damn, she used to be so cool. Just a normal girl, a neighborhood friend. And now she's become such a skank. Damn. I bet she sucked 3 latino guys' cocks in a row in a public bathroom a couple of weeks ago while they laughed and talked trash about her in Spanish, and her boyfriend stood outside counting the cash he made. But no, there is no way he could possibly know that. I am just paranoid. And stupid. And ugly. Go to hell, Celest, I almost say out loud. I'm back at the park, and I sit on a bench and wait for Derrek. I have nothing better to do anyways. Maybe he'll have scored some junk. Maybe it will be a good night and we'll get fucked up and lay on his roof looking at the stars and he'll tell me I'm beautiful like he did when we first started going out. Maybe he won't be in the same bad mood he was in earlier today. The mood he's been in for so long it feels like a hand choking me, choking the hell out of my life. He's been in a bad mood for so long.