Bill Gates is evil. Very, very, very evil. In fact, he is the ultimate evil. There is nothing more evil than Bill Gates. Bill Gates can be connected to every evil thing in the world. And, Bill Gates, if you have a problem with me saying that or anything else I say in this story: Why the hell do you care!? You're evil! You should be happy that the truth about your origin be known. Or the slightly edited version of your origin. Or the very edited version of your origin. Or the complete bull$#^% version. For anyone playing the home game that was bullshit, you $$hole. As for the smurfs or Hanna-Barbara, if you feel offended by anything in this story: SCREW YOU!!! I've got nothing to back that up. I just wanted to scream "screw you." I'm sorry. I really am. I just needed a different species for Bill Gates. And I am not touching the teletubbies. So I apologize for this but you know the smurfs really are evil. There's no denying it. They are almost as bad as the teletubbies. They're all cute and shit but then you turn around for a second and the beat the CRAP out of some poor old man and his cat!!! What the fuck is up with that!? The poor guy is obvious old and senile! Why!? Why?! Why be so cruel to some poor old man who just needs to take his pills? And then there's that one psycho smurf who's pissed off all the time. What's wrong with him!? Was he beaten as a child or something? Scary. Shit. There. And then there's the smurf chicks. Really, do I need to say anything more than that? Also to my more average readers: this story is not made to suggest that any religion is superior or inferior to any other religion. With the exception of Worship To Yoshi. That is the best religion, no competition. Also if anyone is offended by any language in this story then, why the hell would you read anything written by me!? I wonder why I like to write disclaimers. Especially ones that scream at their readers? Oh well. I guess that's just the way that it is. Don't bother none.

Laugh Don't Sue

Bill Gates and the Smurfs

Two smurfs had sex. This in itself may come as a surprise to some but, trust me, they do it all the time. The smurfs are all little, dirty pimps and whores. Now Mr. and Mrs. Gates were their names and they weren't your average smurfs. Really the only smurf-like thing about them was the fact that they made love like crazed weasels. Otherwise they would have been considered to be very nice people to humans. Satan realized this and was pissed off enough as is with two nice smurfs, he was not going to accept three. So to make sure their child was properly evil Satan gave all of Mr. Gates' sperm the Seed of Evil. God, realizing what Satan had done, gave Mrs. Gates' egg the ability to accept all things. This combination of godly magics ended up screwing both God's and Satan' plans as the egg accepted all of the evil sperm. Thus creating something worse than both Satan and Pepsi combined! Nine months later the horribly evil smurf was born and was named Bill. At his birth he peed on the doctor, killed two midwives, and went on to suck all the blood of an innocent bystander before finally being satisfied.

Most of Bill Gates' childhood continued on in this fashion until Bill's seventh birthday when he was visited by Satan. Satan knelt before Bill Gates and said, "I am Lucifer, The Devil and Satan. I am at your command. Evil-wise I've got nothing on you. Nobody does. Even Hitler only killed one midwife at his birth. And nobody even thought about the bloodsucking thing." Satan was cut off at the moment for God had come down from the skies and he said unto Bill, "Bill, I know that you were created in evil, but I also know that with proper training and repentance for your sins you can-" Bill interrupted to say, "Repentance!? I'll give you repentance!" Bill then went to deliver such a vile, and hideous concoction of horrible words and phrases that even Satan was offended. So you can imagine how God felt. God clapped and said, "Well, I'm out. Satan, have fun with the little fucker." Satan responded, panicked, "Oh, no! You are not leaving me to deal with that little piece of shit." God thought for a few moments then said, "All right, we'll both abandon this one." "Sounds good to me," commented Satan as he receded back into the Depths of Hell. And as God receded to the Heights of Heaven young Bill thought to himself, "Well damn, if God and Satan went down that easy this'll be a piece of cake."

As Bill Gates reached smurf teenager-dom he actually started to become more evil. Really the only evil activity he didn't participate in was crazed, smurf, sex hysteria. This too was actually evil because as a smurf Bill Gates was incredibly good-looking and all the smurf girls desperately tried to pick him up. But Bill Gates just continued his studies on nuclear physics. He wanted to see the effects nuclear radiation had on humans, but with only smurfs around he had no test subjects. So one day he went out searching for a human. He found an old hermit living alone with his cat. Bill's evil mind started working on how to approach this opportunity.

By the time he had returned to the smurf village he had his idea. He gathered all the smurfs together and said, "I have a plan! And all of you smurf girls will obey me because I can give you what you want. And all of you smurf boys will obey them because they can give you what you want. Here is my plan: We are going to torture an old man. We will televise this in a way that makes it look as though he is attacking us. With mass media on our side the lawyers won't be able to touch us. Eventually, once we have sucked all that we can from the television series, we will capture the old man and subject him to a nuclear bomb." One of the older smurfs asked, "Doesn't your plan involve revealing ourselves to the humans?" In response Bill yelled, "No sex for you for three months! If you ever question me again I'll have you castrated! I will doctor the video tapes in such a way to make it appear as though we are all just cartoons." The same smurf asks, "Wouldn't it be easier to just draw the cartoons?" Bill screamed, "CUT OFF THAT SMURF'S BALLS!!!!!"

And so the cartoon proceeded. Bill was never in a single episode because he wanted to maintain his anonymity. After the series was canceled the smurfs made one final army and attacked the old man's hut. They overpowered him quickly and took him to their nuclear testing facility. they strapped him down to the table and bill gave the command, "Nuke 'im." So the nuke hit the old man and the entire race of smurfs was wiped out. But bill's powers of evil would not let him die. Instead, he mutated into a human. After the process was complete Bill looked around at his dead, smurf comrades and said, "Well, I'm glad that's over with." He walked into the human world with his human body and as a large coincidence everyone, including God and Satan, said "Oh shit" at the exact same moment. The moment of Bill Gates' arrival into the human world.