[ WHAT HORRORS AWAIT?! ]
by Wusai

AUTHOR'S NOTES A parody of a parody, if such a thing is possible. O_O; Or maybe a 'humor/horror fic that is being written thinking of a parody.' Jely Faze's name was originally Jely Anne, but I didn't want to dirty that name. xD Parody in question is Animagess' "The Fantasy Chronicles!"; quite an entertaining read.

OTHER NOTES This story is mainly being written to strengthen my descriptive skills - so if I can brush up on them in any way possible, please tell me in the form of a review or in a (detailed) e-mail. Thanks! Also, hopefully no one will be offended by any of the descriptions of cliques in this chapter. I'm a geek myself, somewhat, so . . .

-=-
CHAPTER ONE
At the Bus Stop!
-=-

"Like, oh my god! We need you . . . fuck, what was her name again? God, why do we have to randomly broadcast these messages anyways? Just as ads to come to YOU-are-the-Heroine-land? Oh, here it is. Jely Faze! We need you! Need!"

"Yes, somewhat intimately!"

"What the fuck?!" Jely Faze exclaimed as she woke up to the ringing of the alarm clock. She pounded her fist on the 'snooze' button, then promptly hurled the alarm clock to the other side of the room, where it dented the wall and landed gently on top of a pile of stuffed animals. There, it launched into a brutal massacre of all things cute, disemboweling them of their fluffy insides, enraged at being abused in the beginning of nearly every fantasy story. No one seemed to understand that it was just a misunderstood gadget that was only doing its job . . . It would later find itself in newspaper headlines when it published its secret stash of angst poems with topics like neglecting to oil its gears every other day, thus falling into decay and mechanical death.

Jely Faze slid her legs from under the blankets, pulled herself out of bed, and threw back her head full of long brown hair, which caused the creation of a million new tangles. She sat in front of her mirror and dragged a brush through her hair. Being the person she was, she was too lazy to patiently untangle the knots, so she simply brushed them out, as in, 'pulled out the clumps of hair with little pieces of scalp stuck on the ends.'

Jely Faze was, contrary to popular belief, a normal girl. She just liked to imagine herself as unusual. For one, she had a liver spot on her left cheek that, in the right light, looked exactly like Christina Aguilera. Because of that, she often shared tales of birthmarks and the like with Ted Nancy, which caused her unmerciful teasing in school - not about her correspondence (geeks who knew who Ted Nancy was found her quite cool, but no self-proclaimed pretty girl wanted to be associated with them), but about her birthmark. Well, not that much teasing, but she liked to exaggerate it. Bullies enjoyed calling her 'Jelly Face,' which she found extremely insulting despite the fact that it was pretty much her name anyways, and all those 'evil' populars giggled and gossiped behind her back, though usually not about her, and they also called her Jelly Face for the same reason as the bullies. All the jocks said she kissed like a horse, but they said that about any girl that wasn't in their clique . . .

She dressed in a black tank top that said, 'OMGZ dis is black dere4 Im Goth' and black pants. Adjusting the strap slightly of her backpack, she walked out of her house to the nearest bus stop, waiting for the large yellow vehicle, a.k.a. the bus without seat belts.

And waited.

. . . And waited.

"Oh my god, did I miss the bus again?!" she asked aloud, panicking. She looked up and down the street, looking for the bus.

All of a sudden, there was a flash of light before her, and a vaguely humanoid shape appeared before her. It seemed to be an amateur at de- and reatomizing and teleportation, as various body parts were attached incorrectly. She could tell it was male, as its family jewels protruded from one ear, which hung like a flap in front of its mouth.

"Liver spot on left cheek, waiting at bus stop for school bus on a Saturday, wearing cheesy clothes . . . Are you Jely Faze?" he asked, ear making unnerving 'flap flop slosh' sounds. His eyes (currently placed on his neck) popped out of their sockets and hovered over her liver spot momentarily, giving new meaning to the phrase 'his eyes traveled over her.' He looked back at the paper he held.

"Umm . . . yes?" she said a bit louder than normal; she wasn't sure about how well he could hear with his . . . with obstructions before his ear. The eyes were beginning to creep her out.

"Ah." Flap. "Then you must come with me, as we sent you an ad this morning; did you hear it?" Flop slosh.

"Yes . . . To . . . ?"

"To a place . . ." Flop flap. "Where all your dreams come true, and you are heroine," he read from the travel pamphlet. Slosh.

"Oh my god." She gasped, covering her mouth, thus muffling her next words. "You can't be serious."

"I am." Flop.

"Will there be populars I have to battle against? Geeks' marriage proposals to deliver to Ted Nancy? Jocks that know what a horse's kiss is like?"

"No."

She smiled grimly, turning Christina Aguilera into Man Faye's posterior. "I like it."

-=-

AUTHOR'S NOTES Yes . . . yes, it's a rather bad ending; I wanted to end it with some witty line, but I couldn't think of any. xD Which tells you a bit about how great my humor skills are. Please, leave a review! I appreciate feedback, though instead of "omg lolz dat wuz gr8, plz continu," I would prefer if you told me which parts you found funny, which parts you thought needed more description, etc. I appreciate constructive criticism, as well. Flames will be used to bake digital cookies to give to other people.

CHAPTER BEGAN July 10th, 2004
CHAPTER FINISHED July 10th, 2004
STORY BEGAN July 10th, 2004
STORY FINISHED ?
REVISION BEGAN July 11th, 2004
REVISION FINISHED Well, I finished some minor revisions; the major ones aren't done yet.