I killed her. They don't believe me, but I did. I really killed her.

They keep telling me I didn't. Telling me and won't even consider the possibility of my killing her, but I did.

My eyes don't deceive me. They can't deny something I've seen. I'm not sure how one can see oneself do something, but I did. Mind you, that was before it happened. Years before it happened. They told me that wasn't real. I wasn't really myself, then, you see.

I was under the influence of drugs.

Don't laugh. Addiction. You've heard of that word. I guess you don't think it's possible to get addicted to drugs, but it is unbelievably so.

I wasn't on heroin. Nothing like that, nothing too heavy. Just ecstasy. It took months to get off the drugs, but the frights of seeing things before me, seeing people dying, seeing myself killing people, seeing a friend go to jail. the terror of them helped me kick the drugs, and be my normal self like I am now.

Like I said, I got told they were just hallucinations.

I agreed with what they said at first. After all, it was understandable and hallucinating was a well-known side effect of the drug anyway.

I didn't even doubt it when something happened, about six months later. I'd saw something, but didn't understand it. I'd saw a friend of mine be beaten up. Understandably, this hadn't actually happened, but a few weeks later.

He ended up in hospital. When I went to see him the injuries where consistent with what I'd seen, though this was another thing I didn't notice for at the time I seemed reluctant to link the fantasy and the reality. I asked him what had happened, he told me he'd been beaten up. Not by anyway he knew, a guy in a black coat with tanned skin and black hair. He wore glasses.

Four months later, a friend of mine committed suicide. Her throat was found slit. The thing was, a couple of weeks earlier I'd seen this. I'd cried a lot at watching her die. My friends all thought I didn't like her as I didn't mourn for her death. The truth was, I'd already mourned when I saw it.

I connected the incident of me seeing it and her death this time. Also, I connected the previous incident. I consulted a friend, and they told me to get off the drugs. I did that, but still, the same mysterious incidents kept occurring. Consulting another friend, he told me that he thought I had premonitions.

When I learned his fears, I started to worry myself. But I knew there was nothing I could do about it, and calmed down.

Nearly everything I've seen has happened now. Those that haven't, I'm expecting to happen in the near future. I'm really worried about it. One thing I hate is that I can't just tune out; they always come, whether I want them to or not. I can't just switch them off. I doubt it would be as bad if I didn't know that it was going to do - and everything that I saw was bad and either hurt or killed my friends.

But, anyway, that's how I know it was me. My memory of the day has blanked out completely, and I don't know where I was. But three months ago, I saw myself kill her and I know that this is me.

Upon further examination, my clothes (I happen to be a very messy person and avoid washing clothes and such unless I really have to) of the day are streaked with red. Blood. I can't find any cuts, so it's not my own. I'm willing to bet that it's hers. I'm really sorry to her, her friends and her parents. I can't apologize enough, and, besides, apologies don't change fact.

Having said that, this is a fact too: I killer her and I'm sorry. I didn't plan it, I didn't mean to, I didn't even know I was doing it, but it obviously happened.

I killed her.