Dedication: I dedicate this story to everyone who suffers silently from love; I strongly believe (hope) there's light at the end of the tunnel. I also dedicate this one for Love, the one, the true, the shitty love; reason for life and death...

Helpless

Each of your tears is like a stab to my heart, but a single of your smile makes worth all this pain...

Here you are...again. Sobbing, crying, begging, killing me so slowly. You hang on me, your fragile arms around my back, like too many times before. I hold you tight, almost crushing you, but you don't mind. You don't mind the pain anymore. She hurt you, one final blow: "It's over," you said. "I screwed it." you lied. You always manage to put the blame on yourself. You're wrong and everyone else is right, that's how you see things. You know you shouldn't see them that way, but you can't help it.

You're clinging on to me, crying those painful tears. I'm crying too, but you can't see my tears. They're on the inside, but nonetheless painful. I was crying when you told me you loved her. I cried when she tore you into pieces over and over again. I'm crying now because that makes another one who destroyed your faith in love, people, and in life. I can see you building yourself up every time you crumble, but each time you rise, a piece of yourself has been lost or destroyed and it can never be replaced.

My heart aches now to see you smile. The honest, happy smile: the one I love so much. I know you won't show it to me before a while, the bitter one as come and will take it's place...until you find someone to bring it back.

I've always been jealous of these women. I hate them because they made you happy the way I could never. Because they made you feel whole, complete, in I way I could never. I hate them over most all because they crushed you down without regret after gasping every love you had for them in a way I wish I never would.

I'd kill for one of your smile, I'd give my life for your happiness, but what I'd do to be the one to make you happy doesn't even exist in human mind.

That's true, I love you. It only hit the first time you told me "I'm in love with her". I wasn't even sure I was gay back then, but it was hurting so much to see you with her, I just had to face it...

I was glad though: you were smiling. You were happy; in a way I could never make you. (Even after trying so hard to...) So why change that happiness? I shut up...

When she broke your heart for the first time, (because there was bound to be others.) you came to me and, like today, you cried in my arms, believing it was all over and oblivious to the pain it was causing me. (Yeah, you've always been a bit dense, heh)

I was crushed. I was helpless to make things better for you, like always. I was nothing but a watcher, and I still am: an helpless watcher, like when you watch an horror movie and all you can do is sit and watch all the characters getting killed, one by one, without being able to do anything about it. I think these moments are when it hurts the most...

If only I could promise everything will be all right, but I can't lie to you. If only I could promise tomorrow there'll be sunshine, but I can't lie to you As long as it will be raining inside, I will always be there for you And when you'll be ready to smile, I'll let you go and wait for the clouds to come back over you... ...And I'll be there

"What would I do without you? You're the best friend no one could ever had." You told me. It was flattering, yes, very, even if I didn't believe you. I wanted to laugh. But it also hurt very much, because you were right. I wanted to cry. I wanted to tell you about my feelings and you knock me out to my place: a friend. That's true; the only thing I've been able to do right in my whole life was to be your friend.

I was the friend, I still am and I'll always be. I am not destined to break your heart like all the others, nor am I destined to make you smile like them, nor hold you like they do: I'm not destined to make you happy. I'm the one who will be holding you when you cry, watching you when you smile and say stupid jokes the times you'll come around because your girlfriend has something better to do than to be with you.

I thought of how it would be, if I told you how I felt. I considered the many things I would lose: you would stop telling me the way you fell about others, or at least, you would stop telling me the things that could hurt me, since you would know I loved you. I can't risk losing that, even if it really hurts when you tell me about how much you love these other girls.

I considered how it would be to lose your friendship, since you would stop confiding into me and you would probably turn shy around me. I know that, even if you wouldn't want to, you'd end up drifting away. And I can't risk losing you.

I considered how it would be to cause you pain, since you would not have anyone to rely on to when your world crumbles. Maybe I am not a sincere friend because I hide you things, but I care too much about you to cause you pain. I know how you are: you care more about others than about yourself. You would do anything to make me feel better if I told you I loved you, even if it ends up killing you. This is my worst nightmare. I can't risk hurting you, because I love you too much. I prefer stay locked up into this cell of feelings instead of being free and away from you. So I shut up...

That's when I first cut. It was aching so bad inside, that it wasn't normal there wasn't any wounds on the outside. When you found out though, you cried. You asked me why, but of course, I couldn't tell you. I made you cry and I think it turned out to be more painful than anything else in the world.

You kept on asking for an explanation, between tears and I feel on my knees, crying. I felt so sorry and ashamed; I hung onto you, promising I would never do it again and begging for you to forgive me...and you forgave, without hesitation. You held me, crying, in your arms, comforting me.

It was the world upside down and, for the first time in my life, I felt like I was worth something for someone. You were giving a damn about me, enough to cry about it. You tears were for me and it was painful, just as much as it felt good. I promised myself I'd never make you cry again, which gave me another good reason to shut up. I think I've never been so close to happiness...you cared.

But happiness never last, soon you were gone with another love, leaving me alone again, with myself to fight against with. I wanted to die so badly, but I couldn't. Isn't it horribly ironic? The one person making me suffer to the point of wanting death was the one keeping me alive. Sometimes poison is sweet. I was going mad: cheering you on with your love affair, helping you when things weren't going well and keeping myself from cutting and showing you my feelings.

People could think I'm stupid to keep things this way, but that is because they don't know you. They've never seen you smile, or else they would've understood and fell in love with you like everyone else.

People can't know how much I cherish you. Every single of your touches, smiles, words... I cherish every single moment when you bless me into your life. I don't care to hurt, because I love you and I'm only glad that you care, at least a bit...

I hurt to tell you I love you. I'm dying to hold you. You're my oxygen: when you're away, I choke. When you're too close, I hyperventilate. I can't die on my own; I'll wait for life to leave...

How I love you...because every tear is a painful, sharp stab into my weak heart, because your smile has the power to heal all my wounds: I hold you close and I shut up...

"I love you..." you sob, between tears. "I love you, too..." I choke.

These words are the same, but their meanings are so different. I smile to myself, between tears of my aching heart. "You never hurt me...never, you're the only one." I silently pray for this to stay true. The one true thing in my life.

I hope I'll have the strength to stay strong, because I love you...