You know the feeling that you get when you're anxious about something? Somewhere between anxiety and the feeling you have when you get off a rollercoaster. The excitement you can feel in the pit of your stomach, where in that moment you know nothing can ever go wrong. Reassurance, anxiety, and happiness all rolled into one.

That was the feeling I had on that warm October evening. I was invincible, we were all invincible. All 4 of us - Me, Alex, Michelle, and Kari. We thought that nothing could stand in our way; we could get away with murder and never think twice about it. We were 4 teenage girls with $150, a car, and a will to live it up.

These were the thoughts going through our heads when we pulled up at a stop sign next to a liquor store. We had the bright idea to go and see if they would sell us any beer. We walked in and brought four 40oz bottles of vodka up to the counter. The young male clerk on duty asked us for ID, which of course none of us had. Alex, who was wearing an extremely low-cut shirt, leaned over the counter and said "I left it out in the car, but I swear I have it. Do you want me to go get it?" and batted her eyelashes.

The clerk shook his head and said we looked over 21, and it was almost time for him to close up anyway. We paid for the vodka and calmly walked out of the store. We were 17 years old, and had just purchased a fair amount of alcohol.

Naturally, we were feeling pretty good about ourselves, and decided to celebrate by opening our 40s. The rubbing alcohol-like substance burned all the way down my throat, but it was okay, because after a few gulps it tasted just like water. I was gripping the steering wheel and blindly making my way through intersections. The music blaring, the road spinning, and adrenaline rising caused me not to notice I was driving me and my 3 best friends into oncoming traffic.

A truck, heading straight for us, swerved and honked. Michelle, who was sitting in the backseat, decided to stick her upper body out the window and flip him off. We were all laughing until I looked in front of me and saw a semi truck straight ahead. I swerved violently, but the wrong way. Michelle was still hanging out the window; unfortunately unawear of the giant truck headed our way on her side of the car.

It happened all at once: the tearing sound of Michelle's upper body being ripped from the car, our screams, and the impact of an SUV against the passenger side. The car was crushed, and I was thrown from the driver's seat into the middle of traffic. I still remember lifting my head a few inches off the ground to see my car go flying over the guardrail onto the freeway below. Then I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital where I was informed that my three best friends were dead. The best I could do was shake my head, and then I passed out again and slept for 4 more days.

I left that hospital a different person. I was forced to come to a realization I had been avoiding: I killed my three best friends. I was the one driving, yet I was condemned to life while I watched them die.

That was three years ago to this date. I have been trying to get better, I really have. I've gone to countless therapy sessions, had to take so many different pills, but how can you recover from something like this? Seeing one friend decapitated and the other two crushed? You can't. There is no way my life will ever be the same.

So, everyone, that is why I'm writing this letter. To let you see it from my point of view. Maybe you won't feel so bad now, because I know this is for the best. Maybe you'll understand why I can't go on like this.

I don't feel invincible anymore. I think it's time for me to get off this rollercoaster.