BLACK A logo comes up that says SLIGHTLY WARPED PICTURES FADE TO: EXT. A JUNGLE Strange animal calls assault us as we see the ancient trees through a fine foggy mist. SUBTITLE: 60 Million Years Ago. A Friday. A man in a TIMESUIT runs through the trees. His S.U.I.T. unit (which looks like an older model of the S.U.I.T. that Tempus wears) has been damaged and there's a cut on his forehead. He hides behind a tree as a roar echoes through the jungle. The man is BRISCO. BRISCO Suit, give me some good news. SUIT I just saved a load of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico. BRISCO Some good news I can use! SUIT Wish I could, Brisco. Temporal power is at only .04 percent and with the damage taken, I couldn't move you one minute into the future... much less all the way to 2899 AD. BRISCO The Wright Brothers... Neil Armstrong... Bubba McFay... I bet they never had this much trouble pioneering technology. It's all right, S.U.I.T... We're the first to time travel with this new technology and we will make it back to the future! No over grown lizard is going to stop me, either! A LARGE TYRANNOSAURUS REX sticks its head around the tree and roars. CUT TO: EXT. A MEADOW We see a large pile of dinosaur poop. The S.U.I.T. unit that Brisco had been wearing is sticking out of it. Cue theme music. FADE TO: EXT. OUTER SPACE Stars rush by the camera as a caption appears. PRESENTS The caption fades. Another caption appears. A SCRIPT BY JASON GASTON The caption fades. Music blares at the title appears. THE WRATH OF P.E.N.I.S. The title linger and draws closer to the camera as stars rush by. In the distance, as the camera passes though the title, we see the moon and Earth. The camera passes the Earth, skirting so close to the surface that the Justice Squad Watchtower quickly rushes by. The camera completely passes the moon and heads for Earth until it completely fills the screen. The camera descends into the clouds and, when we see the surface again, we see that we are heading into the city of LAS VEGAS. The camera does a quick fly though strip and heads out of town to a hospital. The camera focuses on a window and gets closer... and closer... and closer... CAPTION: CRAY ZEALAND MENTAL HOSPITAL, LAS VEGAS NEVADA. 2004. 7:57 AM. 69 Degrees with clear skies. FADE TO: INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM Doctor Pie, Doctor Daster, and Nurse Goodbody are standing over a bed. We can't see who is on the bed, but the person is on total life support. DOCTOR PIE Are we done yet? I have to pee! NURSE GOODBODY Almost, Doctor Pie. We have one more patient profile to go over. There is a crash from the far side of the room. They look to see a camera embedded in the now-broken window. They immediately go back to what they were doing. DOCTOR DASTER Well hurry up, Nurse Goodbody! You know that pee pollutes the body if you hold it and the last thing us doctors want to do is pollute our bodies. He takes a drink of hard malt liquor and takes a drag of a cigarette. Nurse Goodbody shakes her head in disgust. NURSE GOODBODY Where would we be without you giving us advise, Doctor Daster? (a beat) I'd be working in the Hauge, that's where. (a beat, back to the patient) Jane Doe 2002-034. Name unknown, age... late thirties, early forties. She's been in a catatonic coma since she was brought in two years ago. Unresponsive to stimuli and she shows minimal brain activity. Something I'm sure you two could relate to. She looks. Pie and Daster are wearing bed pans on their heads and squirting saline solution at each other. They're both giggling like school girls. NURSE GOODBODY All right... She throws her clipboard down on the ground making Pie and Daster jump and give her their undivided attention. NURSE GOODBODY May I continue? DOCTOR PIE Sure... uh... what do you recommend, Doctor Daster? Daster is looking in the bed pan he had put on his head. DOCTOR DASTER I recommend we clean out the bedpans before we put them on our heads next time. DOCTOR PIE So that's what that was! NURSE GOODBODY THE PATIENT! DOCTOR DASTER Oh, her? Uh... She seems fine. NURSE GOODBODY She needs stimulation. DOCTOR PIE Just what my girlfriend wants. NURSE GOODBODY (Grinding teeth) Something to work her mind, you stupid... DOCTOR DASTER Television! Television always works my mind! NURSE GOODBODY What? How so? Doctor Daster turns on the TV. An episode of Scooby-Doo appears. DOCTOR DASTER It takes all my deductive skills to figure out who is the bad guy every week. DOCTOR PIE But... we watched this one. It was old man McGurk! DOCTOR DASTER Yeah, it was... the LAST time we saw it. Do you honestly think that he'd be so stupid to try and be the monster twice? DOCTOR PIE I LIKE the way you think! DOCTOR DASTER Come! TO THE GOLF COURSE! DOCTOR PIE THE GOLF COURSE! Doctor Daster and Pie take gold clubs out of their coats and run out the door... clothes-lining themselves on the door frame with the clubs. The get up and run away. Nurse Goodbody grumbles and follows them out. NURSE GOODBODY I'm not paid enough for this shit. She exits leaving the patient alone in the room. Scooby-Doo is interrupted by a news report. ANNOUNCER (On TV) We interrupt Scooby Doo: CSI: NYPD: NCIS: Miami to bring you the following news bulletin. CHIP BEAVERMILK and CONNIE LINGUS appear. CHIP BEAVERMILK Hello, I'm Chip Beavermilk. CONNIE LINGUS And I'm Connie Lingus with this special report. CHIP BEAVERMILK Justice Squad, today, has responded to the devastation in Kansas following the large explosion outside of Topeka. Live, via satellite, we are speaking to Justice Squad member, Capeman. Capeman, welcome to the show. Capeman appears on screen. Behind him, we see a large smoking crater behind him. Other members of Justice Squad can be seen behind him as well. CAPEMAN Thank you for having me. CONNIE LINGUS And welcome back, by the way. CAPEMAN Thank you, Connie. The camera pivots away from the screen and towards the patient in bed. Her face is obscured by an oxygen mask, so we can't see who it is. The camera focuses on her closed eye and moves in closer and closer. CHIP BEAVERMILK What can you tell us about what happened, Capeman? CAPEMAN Chip, all we know is that sometime this morning, what appeared to be a Jennifer Hanson warship weighing over 3 million tons and over a mile in length crashed into the Kansas plains. Obviously, this is one of the ships involved in the Jennifer Hanson/Rectumarian war. CONNIE LINGUS Is Justice Squad going to retaliate? CAPEMAN We're going over our options, but it seems clear we're going to have to do something about this war. We've tried to ignore it hoping that it would resolve itself and, instead, we got this dropped in our laps. The patient's eye starts fluttering. CAPEMAN But don't worry... I've been fighting evil since before there even was a Justice Squad and this will be no different. In the end... Evil always looses. The patient's eye SNAPS OPEN! FADE TO: EXT. THE UTAH DESSERT CAPTION: MONTANA... THE COOL PART People are using brushes to dust away dirt from dinosaur fossils. One man, an elderly gentlemen of about 50, wipes some sweat from his brow. This is DOCTOR SPARKS. WORKER Doctor Sparks! Doctor Sparks! Doctor Sparks looks to see one of his workers running towards him. WORKER Doctor Sparks, we've made a discovery! Fossilized feces. DOCTOR SPARKS Oh joy. Now I can die happy that we've discovered a lump of rocky poop. You came all this way to tell me that? WORKER There's more! CUT TO: INT. A TENT Doctor Sparks is on the phone looking decidedly more excited. DOCTOR SPARKS Yessir. I'm certain of it. It's exactly what you told us to look for. INT. A DARK OFFICE A man is speaking on the phone and quietly strumming his fingers on his desk. DARK MAN Yes, Doctor Sparks. It appears that funding your dig was a wise move on my part. Have the item shipped to me immediately and do not tell a soul. I may just kick in a few more million to your research after all, Doctor. INT. A TENT As before. DOCTOR SPARKS Thank you, sir. Thank you... INT. A DARK OFFICE As before. DOCTOR SPARKS (Over phone) ...Mr. Mogul. The man in the chair spins around and hangs up the phone revealing that he is RICH E. MOGUL, evil trillionare and businessman. RICH E. MOGUL No... Thank YOU doctor. His speakerbox beeps. SECRETARY (on speaker) Sir? RICH E. MOGUL I said I did not want to be disturbed. I'm too busy plotting. SECRETARY (on speaker) Yes sir, I know... but there are some people here who insist on seeing you. RICH E. MOGUL I'm busy. The plotting! SECRETARY (on speaker) But sir, they... Hey, what are you..? ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! RICH E. MOGUL Miss Stewart? Miss Stewart, what is going on out... BAM! The doors to Mogul's office are kicked open and two very large men stand in the doorway. Rich ducks under the desk... emerging only once to throw a stapler at one of the large men. The stapler bounces off one of their heads, depositing a staple in his forehead. Mogul pokes his head out from under the desk fearfully. RICH E. MOGUL Who are you and what do you want!? Don't kill me! There's still so much I don't own! The men step aside to reveal a woman in skin-tight leather. She walks between them up and right up to Mogul. WOMAN So, you're the great Rich E. Mogul that I've heard ever so much about? RICH E. MOGUL W-Who are you? WOMAN Who am I? How soon the world forgets... I am... She steps into the light and we see it's SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS, MISTRESS OF EVIL. Rich E. Mogul stands in awe. RICH E. MOGUL (whispers) Senestra Malevolous. Lightning flashes. SENESTRA Have we met? RICH E. MOGUL No... No... But I have read your book. Dozens and dozens of times! He hands her his copy of WHY NOT ME? SENESTRA (Smiles) YOU read my book? RICH E. MOGUL I'm a BIG fan! Mecha-Chinchilla, Operation: Big Frickkin' Robot, the destruction of Switzerland, Pop-Up Ads. You're... You're a legend! SENESTRA (Smiles) Oh, do go on. RICH E. MOGUL I've been waiting to meet you for a... SENESTRA I said go on! Go on complimenting me! RICH E. MOGUL Oh, I will! I will! What can I do for you, Mistress of Evil? He kisses her on the hand. Senestra looks back at the two men at the door who, we see now, are her old henchmen ROCK and TANK. Senestra gives them a look and then turns her attention back on Rich E. Mogul. SENESTRA Mr. Mogul... RICH E. MOGUL Please... (He kisses her hand) ...call me Rich. SENESTRA Rich... I just woke up from a very nasty coma. RICH E. MOGUL Yes, two years ago during the World- killer incident as I recall. SENESTRA Yes... that was two years ago? Mogul nods. SENESTRA It appears I have a lot of catching up to do, obviously, but first and foremost... I have my mind set on revenge. Now, I WAS going to come up here, kill you, and steal your fortune for my own ends... but I just can't do away with my number one fan. Mogul giggles and blushes. SENESTRA The name of the game is world domination. I've rested, I'm back, I'm toned, and tanned... all right, I'm atrophied and pale, but that doesn't matter... I still want it all! RICH E. MOGUL Together, with my wealth and your evil mind... we CAN have it all! SENESTRA First, though... revenge. I'm looking for a little toe-sucker named Liam Smith. I have several of his vertebrae I'd like to crush with large rocks. RICH E. MOGUL Never heard of him, but perhaps we can look it up on the internet. (he presses a button on his intercom) Miss Stewart? Miss Stewart? No answer. SENESTRA (evil smile) Oh... She won't be answering your page for quite some time. RICH E. MOGUL (Gasps) You mean... SENESTRA We asked her to go fetch coffee for us. RICH E. MOGUL Oh. SENESTRA But then she refused and we had to kill her. RICH E. MOGUL Of course. FADE TO: INT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE Senestra Malevolous is looking up stuff on the internet as Rich E. Mogul, Tank, and Rock look on. RICH E. MOGUL (To Tank and Rock) So, you are Miss Malevolous' bodyguards, eh? ROCK Poit! RICH E. MOGUL I heard the two of you were running a hot chocolate stand in Ft. Lauderdale. TANK D'ah... Miss Malevolous made us come work for her again. ROCK She used duh box! RICH E. MOGUL The box? ROCK & TANK (Quivering voices) The box. Senestra huffs and throws the computer out the window. We hear a cat screech from outside. SENESTRA Well, it appears that Liam Smith is no more. RICH E. MOGUL Like my Pentium? SENESTRA I wanted to see Smith suffer for a while before he departed from this mortal sphere but even that's been taken away from me. Why should I even bother? Why should I bother with ANY of it? RICH E. MOGUL I know what you mean... Sometimes it seems like we just can't win. Why, I've been battling Justice Squad for years now and they always seem to somehow come out on top. SENESTRA Justice Squad? Ugh, are they still around? What an annoying bunch of people they are. RICH E. MOGUL Yeah. Capeman and all... he's like a roach, that one. You crush him and he just keeps coming back. SENESTRA I hate Capeman. RICH E. MOGUL I hate Justice Squad. SENESTRA I hate Liam Smith. RICH E. MOGUL I hate Donner. SENESTRA I hate them both. RICH E. MOGUL All. SENESTRA Right, all. Bastards. RICH E. MOGUL If only there was some way we could both get revenge... you on Liam Smith and I on Justice Squad. SENESTRA But how? Liam Smith is gone and Justice Squad is too powerful for you to take down... even with my magnificent help. RICH E. MOGUL You're right... if only there was a way we could strike a blow against both of them. A blow that neither will forget... or survive! SENESTRA But how? I mean, it's not like we can travel back in time to a point where both are vulnerable. The intercom beeps. VOICE Sir, we've received and analyzed the devise found at the dig. It IS from the future and, what's more, it appears to be a time machine! A working time machine! We've removed the vital components and made you a hand-held devise as per your specifications. Senestra and Rich E. Mogul look at each other. RICH E. MOGUL That work for you? SENESTRA It works for me! MUSIC STING! FADE TO: EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The glistening tower shines against a brilliant backdrop of stars. INT. THE WAR ROOM DONNER is sitting at the conference table holding what appears to be a balloon. The camera pulls back to reveal that it isn't a balloon, but rather ULTRA-BABY, the daughter of Donner and Ultrawoman. Ultrababy is flying around in a circle cooing softly. Ultrawoman enters. ULTRAWOMAN Donner, are you SURE you want to go? DONNER Of course I'm sure! I get my hands on alien technology and I can market it to millions for billions and... (he feels her eyes on him) ...that doesn't matter because we HAVE to stop this war at all costs. ULTRAWOMAN Well, I hope you're packed because we're leaving in thirty minutes. DONNER Of course I'm packed! You honestly think that I would go off into space and not be packed? Woman, please! ULTRAWOMAN Very well, then. I'm going over to the ship, I'll see you when you get ready. Ultrawoman gets up and leaves. COLOSSAL CHUNK enters eating a bag of cookies. COLOSSAL CHUNK Cookies GOOD! DONNER Chunk do me a favor and keep an eye on Zalika. I've got to go pack. Donner runs away. Chunk smiles and plays with the baby. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk like little flying baby. ULTRABABY Ah-goo! COLOSSAL CHUNK Yes, Chunk poop in pants sometimes too! ULTRABABY Ooooooo... COLOSSAL CHUNK Baby tell funny joke. Ha, ha, ha! The baby hands Colossal Chunk a rattle. COLOSSAL CHUNK For Chunk? Ultrababy laughs. COLOSSAL CHUNK Aw, little baby so nice to Chunk. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle... Colossal Chunk continues to play with the rattle as Ultrababy flies in a circle over his head. Unseen to the preoccupied Chunk, Ultrababy zooms out the door. FADE TO: INT. CORRIDOR The baby zips down the corridor. INT. THE OBSERVATION DECK WOLFMAN, SEA MAN, LUNA, QUASAR, and DEVOUR are speaking. The baby crashes into Wolfman and they both skid to a halt on the far side of the room. The baby laughs happily on Wolfman's chest as he picks her up and stands. WOLFMAN You must be Ultrababy. SEA MAN Friendly little thing, isn't she? WOLFMAN (To baby) Hey, little cub. How are you? The baby laughs. WOLFMAN Awwww... Makes me wish I had one. LUNA As big of a man-slut as you have been, you probably do several times over. Never the less, it is good to have you back now that you have seen the error of your ways. WOLFMAN It's good to be back. Once we get back from space, I intend to try and get my life back to a sense of normalcy. There is a flash of light. TEMPUS jumps out of a vortex. WOLFMAN Aw, fudge. Tempus stands. TEMPUS (To Sea Man, Luna, and Devour) You, you, and you! Come with me and don't ask questions. LUNA But... TEMPUS NOW! I don't have time to explain! Jump into the vortex or everything will be destroyed! Luna, Sea Man, and Devour look at each other and then jump into the vortex. Wolfman takes a step forward. TEMPUS Not you. Not this time, Wolfman. I can't take you. WOLFMAN What? Why not? TEMPUS Complicated. Just stay here and take care of that baby. WOLFMAN (Nods) Okay. TEMPUS Hopefully, I'll see you soon! Tempus leaps into the vortex. WOLFMAN Now I see why Cos hates tiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! Ultrababy coos happily and launches into the vortex taking Wolfman with her. WOLFMAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Wolfman and Ultra-baby fly into the vortex. INT. A MULTICOLORED TIME TUNNEL Tempus, Luna, Quasar, Devour, and Sea Man tumble through the corridor. TEMPUS Rich E. Mogul and an evil women named Senestra Malevolous have traveled into the past to change history! LUNA What!? How did they do that? TEMPUS They got their hands on the time suit worn by Brisco Hoffsteader. SEA MAN Who's Brisco Hoffsteader? TEMPUS He was considered the Columbus of time travel. On his first jump back in time, he dissapeared. QUASAR So he'd be more like the Amelia Earhart of time travel. TEMPUS Whatever. Long story short, Mogul found the time suit, jury-rigged a time remote out of it, and he and Senestra Malevolous are about to try and change the past! I'm going to take us to a few hours prior to their arrival where, hopefully, you can... WOLFMAN Senestra Malevolous!? Wolfman and Ultrababy tumble past Tempus. TEMPUS Thad! Dammit, I told you to stay... WOLFMAN Don't blame me! It was the cub! There is an explosion behind them. They twirl around and look. The tunnel behind them is collapsing and exploding. WOLFMAN What the freaky-deaky-dookie is THAT!? TEMPUS The future is being destroyed! If we don't stay ahead of the temporal shockwave, we'll be erased from existence! LUNA We're not going to make it! Tempus looks back at the quickly approaching collapse. TEMPUS YOU ARE! Tempus kicks Thad into Luna, Devour, and Sea Man giving them the extra momentum to escape the collapse, but propelling Tempus into it. WOLFMAN TEMPUS! Tempus disappears into the collapsing timestream as Wolfman, Luna, and Sea Man vanish into an open time-door. INT. AN ALLEY - NIGHT It's raining as Luna, Sea Man, Devour, Wolfman, and Ultrababy tumble onto the street. QUASAR I think I'm going to blow chunks. SEA MAN And here I thought Nightflyer was the only one on the team. QUASAR What? LUNA What about Tempus? The time door flickers and collapses on itself. WOLFMAN He's gone. He got himself erased from existence so we could make it here. LUNA But where is here? SEA MAN And WHEN is here? QUASAR And how the hell do we get back? WOLFMAN I think we need to ask ourselves the pertinent questions, guys. Where are we, when are we, and how do we get back? Luna, Sea Man, and Quasar roll their eyes as Wolfman morphs into THAD (his human form) and walks out of the alley. Luna, Devour, Quasar, and Sea Man follow. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP The lights of the strip illuminate the night as the rain falls around them. The horizon is orange with the first hint of the new day. THAD It's Las Vegas. I used to live here in a little dumpy apartment complex. LUNA You mean like that one? Luna points. Lighting crashes illuminating UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. THAD That's... That's impossible. It was blown up! QUASAR I see someone is having difficulty grasping the laws of temporal mechanics. SEA MAN Tempus obviously sent us to the past. LUNA Well, thanks for that deduction, Encyclopedia Brown. But why? Why send us back here for? THAD He said that Rich E. Mogul joined forces with this woman who used to try to take over the world here. I wonder if... Thad walks up to a newspaper stand. He pulls a paper out. INSERT SHOT The headline of the paper reads "WILLY WONKA INDICTED FOR KIDNAPPING AND MANSLAUGHTER" and "SKYNET COMPUTER ATTEMPTS WORLDWIDE TAKEOVER!" AS BEFORE THAD January 20th, 2001. SEA MAN Only three years? THAD What so important about January 20th, 2001? LUNA Justice Squad. THAD What about it? LUNA Justice Squad was founded on January 21st, 2001. SEA MAN That can't be a coincidence. Mogul and this Senestra Malevolous are obviously is trying to prevent the formation of Justice Squad. THAD They were unorganized. This would be their most vulnerable... but there's something else. Senestra had a mad-on against Liam Smith, a friend of mine here. His life could also be in danger. LUNA So, they're not only going to try and take out Justice Squad before it was Justice Squad, but also some guy you knew? THAD Let's just say it's complicated. We're going to have to split up and figure this out. Luna, you and Devour go... LUNA Who the hell put you in charge? THAD I just figured that since I lived here I can... LUNA Bite me, dog-boy. I'm a seasoned Kirbylee warrior and I do not take orders from inferior nimrod males who can't keep their genitals holstered for more than ten minutes. I am trained for combat and stealth and there isn't a single detail that I am capable of missing in an investigation. (a beat) Where's Devour? Wolfman, Quasar, Sea Man, and Ultra-Baby point. Devour is in a cage in the back of a van a hundred yards away. The doors are slammed and we see SIEGFRIED AND ROY. SIEGFRIED Vhat vunderful luck, Roy! Ve have found a little lost kitty... and it's a green little lost kitty. ROY Jah! It will be a marvelous addition to zee act with our vhite tigers! Now come! Ve have an appointment at Circus, Circus! They leap into the van and start to drive away. LUNA Those little fags! Luna runs after them, but is too slow as the van drives away down the strip and out of sight. QUASAR You want me to go after them? LUNA No! I am perfectly capable of taking Devour back by myself. I heard them say they were going to Circus, Circus... you guys see if you can find Mogul. I'll catch up with you later. Luna runs down the strip. THAD As I was saying... Sea Man, go to the MGM Grand. SEA MAN Why? THAD That's where Donner lives during this time period and he can probably lead you to Capeman. Quasar and I will go to Upda Creek Apartments and try to see if Senestra is lurking around there. QUASAR I'm sure that a blue man and the future form of someone who lives there will fit in just perfectly. THAD Not to worry, M'ax. I am a master of disguise. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - THE LOBBY Thad and Quasar enter holding Ultra-Baby. Quasar is wearing make-up that almost makes him look human (but not quite). He also has on sunglasses that covers his eyes. Thad has on a laughably bad beard and a pair of glasses without lenses. QUASAR You used to live here? THAD Yep. QUASAR What a dump. THAD Yeah. Thad walks up and rings the bell. PROFESSOR ARTURO pops his head up from under the desk. ARTURO Can I help you? QUASAR & THAD GAH! ARTURO Sorry. Can I help you? THAD (Smiles) Yes, hello Professor... My friend and I... ARTURO How did you know I was a professor? THAD I... just... er... QUASAR He... uh... Well, you see... THAD A... A man of your stature, why wouldn't I suspect you are a professor? ARTURO (Satisfied) Why not indeed? THAD My friend and I are looking for an apartment. ARTURO Well then, you came to the right place, my dear fellow. What are your names? THAD (Thinking) Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. (aloud) Thad. Quasar kicks him. THAD Ow! ARTURO Beg your pardon? THAD Thadow! QUASAR John! Thad and Quasar look at each other. THAD John! QUASAR Thadow! Quasar puts his hand over Thad's mouth. QUASAR John Thaddow. I'm his friend, Max... uh... Blue. ARTURO John Thaddow and Maxa Blue. THAD He's French. ARTURO Sorry? THAD I said he's French. ARTURO I heard you the first time, I'm just sorry. (Arturo chuckles) What about that? THAD That what? ARTURO The baby. Whom does the baby belong to? THAD Me. QUASAR Me. THAD Ours. QUASAR It's ours. THAD She's adopted. A beat. ARTURO I see. Well, far be it for me to judge. THAD Judge... what? Quasar and Thad look at each other. QUASAR W-We're not... ARTURO Hey, I think it's a wonderful thing that you people have the right to adopt now. Goodness knows, that little tyke is better for it. THAD (A beat) That she is. QUASAR Yep, James and I... THAD John. QUASAR John and I are lucky to have her. THAD Yes we... Thad hold the baby up again, only to reveal his empty arms. THAD GAH! QUASAR GAH! ARTURO Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! Where did it go! THAD I had her a second ago! ARTURO Don't panic, I'm sure it's around here somewhere. We should search for it before Bippo finds it at least. THAD He wouldn't hurt a baby! (a beat) So I would figure based on the name Bippo which is a happy name and not at all a name I would expect someone who would hurt a baby would have even though I've never met him. QUASAR Wayne, let's just... THAD John. QUASAR John, let's just find Zalika and get on with what we're here to do! Arturo and Quasar spread out looking for Ultrababy. Thad sighs to himself. THAD I hope the others are having better luck than we are. EXT. THE STRIP SEA MAN is walking past the BELLAGIO CASINO. The fountains and blasting water hundreds of feet into the air as he walks by. SEA MAN Get to the MGM Grand. Get to the MGM Grand. Get to the MGM Grand. This search would go a lot smoother if I knew where and what the HELL the MGM Grand WAS! (a beat) Perhaps that nice man handing out flyers can help me. Sea Man walks over to a man handing out call girl flyers. SEA MAN Excuse me, sir, could you tell me how to get to... The man, ignoring anything her said, hands him a flyer. Sea Man looks at it. SEA MAN ..the MGM... Grand? What... What is this? MAN You see anything you like? You can have one for a hundred bucks an hour. SEA MAN WHAT!? You mean to tell me that you are practicing some sort of slave trade here!? MAN Huh? SEA MAN You disgusting cretin! THIS is what I think of you and your business! Sea Man grabs the flyers and throws them into the street. They hit a car and scatter against the windshield, causing the car to go out of control and crash into the Bellagio's fountain. The car sinks. SEA MAN LEAPING LUNGFISH!!! Sea Man leaps into the fountain. EXT. UNDERWATER Sea Man swims down to the cab and takes out the female driver. EXT. THE STRIP Sea Man breaks the surface with the lady and helps her out of the fountain. We now see that the woman is... KARI WUHRER Oh, wow! Like, thank you! Sea Man is still in the fountain. SEA MAN My pleasure, madame. Now, if you would be so kind as to tell me where I can find the... BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Sea Man is blasted into the air by the fountain. Kari Wuhrer watches him fly into the air. KARI WUHRER (Sighs) My hero. Everyone starts taking pictures of a wet Kari Wuhrer. She starts smiling and posing for them in provocative ways. KARI WUHRER Hey... has anyone seen my husband? INT. THE CAR The car is still underwater. GARY THE FANBOY is seat-belted in, holding his breath, and trying to escape. EXT. THE AIR Sea Man is falling. SEA MAN ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Suddenly, someone catches him. He looks up and sees... SEA MAN Mona! ULTRAWOMAN What!? Ultrawoman drops him. SEA MAN Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Ultrawoman catches him again. ULTRAWOMAN Who the hell are you and how do you know my name? SEA MAN I... uh... I'm... I can't tell you. BLUE FAIRY flies down next to her. BLUE FAIRY What's going on here, Ultrawoman? ULTRAWOMAN Blue Fairy! I just caught this guy after he rescued someone from the Bellagio fountain and he knows my secret identity and he won't tell me who he is! Blue Fairy waves his wand. BLUE FAIRY He's temporally displaced. More than likely, he's from the future. They land on a nearby rooftop. ULTRAWOMAN Is he friendly? BLUE FAIRY Yes, but he's very full of himself. SEA MAN Damn straight! ULTRAWOMAN (To Sea Man) What are you here for? SEA MAN Tempus told me not to tell. BLUE FAIRY What's a Tempus? SEA MAN I don't think I can tell you that, either. ULTRAWOMAN Well, you sure as hell have to tell us something. SEA MAN I... That is we... We're here to catch two people who came back in time to do something to alter history. BLUE FAIRY We? You mean there are more than one of you? SEA MAN Yea... I mean, no. ULTRAWOMAN So there IS more than one of you. SEA MAN Sorry, I meant no meaning yes. BLUE FAIRY No meaning yes? SEA MAN Yes. ULTRAWOMAN So yes there are? SEA MAN No. BLUE FAIRY No there is, or no there isn't? SEA MAN Yes. ULTRAWOMAN Just give me a straight answer! SEA MAN Fine! (a beat) What was the question? ULTRAWOMAN Are there more people from the future here!? SEA MAN Yes! I mean... NO! BLUE FAIRY Save your breath, Ultrawoman, he probably can't tell us because he can't risk change to the timeline. ULTRAWOMAN So, what do we do? Let him go? BLUE FAIRY I see no alternative. A beat. ULTRAWOMAN Fine. (points) There are some stairs over there that will lead you back down to the street. SEA MAN Wonderful. I don't suppose you can tell me where I can find Capeman, can you? ULTRAWOMAN (Mumbling) I should have known he was involved. BLUE FAIRY We got a report that he was on his way into space a little while ago to deal with an asteriod. We'll go up there to lend a hand and tell him that you're looking for him. SEA MAN I see. Well, thank you both and I suppose, if we are successful, I will see you in the future. Sea Man walks away. BLUE FAIRY You're not... really just going to let him walk away, are you? ULTRAWOMAN Of course not, Blue Fairy. I intend to put a tag on him. BLUE FAIRY But who is that useless to spare? INT. THE PRIDE-CAVE NIGHTFLYER is on the phone. NIGHTFLYER A man from the future, you say? I'll track him like a... a... thing being tracked! MUSIC STING! EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS Establishing shot. EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS PARKING LOT Luna sneaks between the cars until she comes to Siegfried and Roy's parked van. She looks inside and, seeing no one, she tries to get the door open. No luck. LUNA Devour? DEVOUR Grrr? LUNA Are you all right? DEVOUR Mrow! LUNA What were you thinking? Getting captured by Siegfried and Roy of all people!? DEVOUR Wuff! LUNA You were put into a daze by their sequins? DEVOUR Whuh-huh! LUNA Nevermind that. I can't get you out of here. The windows are too small for you to get through and I can't get the doors unlocked. This would have been a lot more simple if Tempus would have given me time to get my weapons. (a beat) Stay here, Devour. I'm going to track those too down and get the keys. DEVOUR Mrow? LUNA No, you can't maul them. DEVOUR Purr? LUNA Yes, if you see one of their white tigers, you can try to talk one of them into doing it. Luna walks off. Devour takes out a cell phone and dials. INT. THE MIRAGE Inside a cage, a white tiger is lying on a large mattress. The mattress has the name MONTECORD stenciled on it. A cell phone rings and he picks it up and answers it. MONTECORD Mrow? MUSIC STING! INT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS Luna enters and looks around for Siegfried and Roy. All she sees, though, are thousands of old women gambling. Finally, she spots something on the floor. She walks over and picks it up and we see that it is a single sequin. She smells it. LUNA Tigers and sea-salt rubs. It's one of theirs all right. She looks and sees another sequin. And then other and then another... all leading to an elevator labeled "EXPRESS ELEVATOR TO SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE." LUNA Bingo... and bingo yet again! INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE The SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS of the past is sitting at her desk staring at a small Game-Boy type object. ROCK and TANK enter. ROCK What's dat thingy? SENESTRA You know, I built it in my sleep last night I have no clue whatsoever what it does. Weird, huh? TANK I make puddles when I sleep. Senestra's face grows sour. SENESTRA Look, just send in Siegfried and Roy! They've been waiting outside for almost an hour. Rock and Tank exit. Siegfried and Roy enter. SENESTRA Hello, boys. SIEGFRIED Hallo, Miss Malevoulous. ROY Vhat can ve do for chew? SENESTRA Business, boys. Strictly business. INT. THE OUTER OFFICE Luna sneaks out of the elevator and hides behind a desk as ROCK and TANK re-enter. ROCK Okay... guess what I am. TANK D'ah... You're Rock! ROCK You got it again! Poit! TANK Guess what I am! ROCK G'ah... You're Tank! TANK Wow! You're good at this game. DURRRRRRR! Luna quietly opens the door and stealthfully crawls into Senestra's office. EXT. OUTER SPACE Capeman, Blue Fairy, and Ultrawoman are about to blast a giant asteroid that is heading towards Earth! CAPEMAN Okay... One... Two... Three... FOUR! Capeman uses his heat vision, Ultrawoman uses lasers that shoot out of her fingers, and Blue Fairy blasts the asteriod with his magic wand. After a few tense seconds, the rock shatters. BLUE FAIRY We did it! CAPEMAN Indeed we did, Blue Fairy. You, Ultrawoman, and I make a good team. We'll have to do this again sometime. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a check to cash. Capeman flies away. ULTRAWOMAN That poor muscular good-looking muscular dolt. He just doesn't get it, does he? BLUE FAIRY Get what? ULTRAWOMAN Don't worry about it, Blue Fairy. I have a business proposition I want to talk to you and a few others about. Something big! BLUE FAIRY Oh, you KNOW every time someone says "something big" I'm usually disappointed. ULTRAWOMAN I'm thinking about starting a... BLUE FAIRY Oh, we forgot to tell Capeman about the blonde guy from the future who was looking for him! ULTRAWOMAN Right. Hey, Capeman! Capeman zooms back up. CAPEMAN Yessssssss? ULTRAWOMAN Someone's looking for you. CAPEMAN Really? EXT. THE SKY One little rock from the shattered asteriod about the size of a marble falls from the sky. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Senestra is talking with Siegfried and Roy as Luna - unseen to them - sneaks closer and closer to the magical duo. SIEGFRIED Vhat!? Chew vant us to leave dee Mirage and come verk for chew? Chew must be out of your noodle! SENESTRA I assure chew... uh, I mean... I assure you that I am not. Siegfried and Roy are Las Vegas' top draw and I want that top draw to be at my casino... My plans to rule the world can go just that much quicker. BAM! The little pebble crashes through the roof and hits the little device on Senestra's desk activating it and flipping it off the table and into Roy's lap. Siegfried and Roy's attention are captured my it. Luna ducks to avoid detection. ROY Vhat is das? SENESTRA Beats the crap outta me. Roy picks up the devise. ROY Vow! It's like zere is a vhite sand beach in my mind and zee tropical breeze is singing zee name, Henry Rollins! Roy is in ecstasy. SIEGFRIED Give me das! Siegfried snatches the devise away from Roy and suddenly, he is in ecstasy. Luna looks up and notices the keys to the van sticking out of Siegfried's pocket. SIEGFRIED Oh, joy... It is like zere is a million happy vhite tigers in my brain. Senestra is intrigued. SENESTRA Intriguing. It appears I have invented a technology that stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain. Roy snatches the devise from Siegfried. Luna reaches up and tries to take the van keys out of Siegfried's pocket. ROY Mine turn! SIEGFRIED No! You had chore turn, now it is mine! ROY Gimme! SIEGFRIED No, chew gimme! ROY I'LL KILL CHEW! SIEGFRIED I'LL KILL CHEW TOO! ROY I'LL KILL CHEW FIRST! SIEGFRIED DIE, CHEW BASTARD!!! Siegfried and Roy begin to fight over the devise. Senesetra walks over and casually picks it up off the floor. Luna rolls behind her desk. SENESTRA Ah, and it's highly addictive as well! As Siegfried and Roy pummel each other in the background, she picks up a phone. Luna curls up as Senestra's foot almost hits her. SENESTRA Hello, patent office? This is Senestra Malevolous inventor of the Ginsu gun and the exploding gerbil? (a pause) Oh, I'm flattered you remember. Listen, I'm bringing down a devise I've invented that I want to patent and place into mass production. (a pause) What's it called? Uh, it's called a, uh... (an idea) A Personal Electronic Neuron Inhibitor System. (a pause) Yes, I know it's a little wordy, but we can just use an anagram. Suddenly, there is a bright flash. RICH E. MOGUL and FUTURE SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS leap out of the time vortex. Senestra screams and ducks for cover under the desk. Under the desk, she sees Luna, screams again, tries to stand, and hits her head on the desk's bottom knocking hearself out. RICH E. MOGUL We did it, my dear! We're here in the past! Now we can make annoying things go boom! FUTURE SENESTRA Yes, and it appears we're not the only ones. ROCK! TANK! Rock and Tank burst into the office as Siegfried and Roy continue to fight over the P.E.N.I.S.. ROCK D'ah! Yes, Miss Malevolous? FUTURE SENESTRA Hello, boys. I want to see you in my office. TANK You mean you... you can't see us!? ROCK We must be invisible! ROCK & TANK ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! FUTURE SENESTRA You idiots! Grab the intruder from under the desk! Luna suddenly LEAPS out from under the desk and takes a fighting stance. LUNA I will NOT let you two alter the future! Prepare to taste my fists! Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!!! Luna leaps into the air and kicks Tank in the jaw. Tank doesn't move, but Luna grabs her foot and jumps up and down. LUNA Shit! Ow! Shit! Ouch! Shit! Rock conks her on the head, knocking her out. ROCK Heh... Being invisible rocks! FUTURE SENESTRA Thank you, Rock and Tank. You may go now. Rock and Tank bow to her, knocking both their heads together. They leave. RICH E. MOGUL We have to go. We aren't supposed to be here and, if your past-self see your future self, it could alter the past to the point where we couldn't alter it the way we want to. (a beat) I hate time travel. FUTURE SENESTRA I know the plan. Before we leave, however, what about her? RICH E. MOGUL We could kill her. FUTURE SENESTRA Too easy. I have a much more.. delicious fate in mind for her. Future Senestra starts laughing as she jerks the P.E.N.I.S. away from Roy who is still fighting Siegfried. She puts it in Luna's hand and switches it on. FUTURE SENESTRA Dump her in the alley. EXT. CIRCUS, CIRCUS PARKING LOT We see Siegfried and Roy's van. INT. THE VAN Devour has scratched an exact replica of The Last Supper on the van's inside wall with himself as Christ and the other members of Justice Squad as the disciples. He huffs in boredom and then looks out the window. DEVOUR'S POV We see Luna wander through the parking lot in a daze. She has a P.E.N.I.S. in her hand and is stroking it lovingly. INT. THE VAN Devour sees her. DEVOUR M'row! Roar! Luna doesn't notice him. Devour realizes that something is wrong, lets out a mighty roar, and rips the cage off the front of the van granting him access to the driver's seat. Devour sits in the driver's seat and hotwires the van. The van starts. Ricky Martin is playing on the radio. Devour snarls and changes it to a Spanish station. Bobbing his head along with a polka beat, he puts the van into drive and drives over to Luna. He rolls down the window. DEVOUR Rrrrrroaw! LUNA Oh, hey Devour. How are you? DEVOUR Rrr? LUNA I'm fine. I've got a new best friend, though. You'll have to find a new mommy. DEVOUR ROAR!!! LUNA Okay. Luna, still spaced out, gets into the van. INT. THE VAN DEVOUR Mew? LUNA It's kind of a greyish white. DEVOUR Mew! LUNA Oh, what THE HELL is it? I don't know... but I love it. It's mine and nothing else matters. Devour scowls and hits the gas, tearing out of the parking lot and into the street. He runs over Charlie O'Connell's foot on the way out. CHARLIE O'CONNELL Ow! Damn tigers! Go back to Africa! We hear brakes screech. Charlie O'Connell screams and runs away as Devour jumps out of the van and chases after him. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE SENSTRA MALEVOLOUS (from the past) is talking to OFFICER TOOTY, SUNDAY, and CHEIF PIGGY. SENESTRA ...and then I fainted. TOOTY So you're saying people. SUNDAY Two people. TOOTY Appeared in your office suddenly. SUNDAY One of which looked like you? SENESTRA You don't believe me, do you? PIGGY No, the truth is, we just came up here to look at you in that tight leather number. SENESTRA Oh... (a beat) Well, okay. She poses for them. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY Ultra-Baby coos happily at she flies through the hallway. She flies into a closed door and falls backwards on her butt. She sniffles and then begins to cry. The door opens and LIAM SMITH walks out and sees the baby. LIAM Well, hello... Where did you come from? Liam picks up the baby and bounces her up and down. LIAM Oh, now... Don't cry. My name's Liam Smith. What's yours? The baby stops crying, but obviously isn't happy. LIAM I bet you're hungry. Let's get you fed and then we can go find your mommy, okay? INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam shuts the door and takes the baby to the kitchen. LIAM I'm afraid that all I have is some milk... it expired in 1999, but it's green and I hear that greens are good for you. What do you think, little baby? Ultra-Baby snatches the milk jug away from him and starts guzzling it, throwing it to the side with a huge belch. Liam watches in amazement. He starts tickling the baby's chin. LIAM You are, by far, the bitchinest baby I've ever seen! Aren't you a cute wittle... ULTRABABY Goo! Ultrababy grabs Liam's finger, starts swinging him around, and then throws him up against the wall. The baby laughs as Liam stands up. LIAM Wow... That milk must have mutated into some kind of... Super-Milk! Ultrababy picks up the table by one leg and starts hitting it against the floor like a toy. Liam picks up the discarded milk jug that has a little green milk still in it. LIAM Amazing... I wonder if... Liam takes a swig of the milk. LIAM I don't feel any... (a beat) Oh dear. Liam turns off screen and pukes. STACY VaVOOM barges in. STACY Liam, I heard crying and now I see you puking. Where you looking at yourself naked in the mirror again? LIAM No, that wasn't me this time. It was this baby. Okay, the puking was mine, but the... STACY Oh, how cute! LIAM Yeah, but I don't remember eating carrots. STACY The baby, you idiot. LIAM Oh. Yeah, but it smells rank. Both of them do. Stacy takes Ultrababy from Liam. STACY That's because the baby left you a present in its diaper. LIAM Ooo, what kind of present? STACY I'll give you a hint... It's not a toaster. Stacy opens the baby's diaper. LIAM Holy guacamole! STACY Chunky guacamole is more like it. Where did this baby come from? LIAM Well, you see, first a mommy and daddy who love each other very much get married and then they take off all their clothes and... STACY I mean, where did you find this baby, Liam? LIAM I found it on my doorstep. I'm going to name him Liam Junior. STACY You may want to reconsider that. It's a girl. LIAM How can you tell? STACY (A beat) Because she's wearing a woman's watch, Liam. There is a knock at the door. Stacy continues to change the baby as Liam answers the door. Arturo, Future-Thad, and Quasar are there. LIAM Hey, hey professor A ARTURO Liam, have you seen a baby around here? LIAM Small, cries, and poops a lot? QUASAR That's her, all right. LIAM She's in here. They enter. FUTURE-THAD Zy! Thank God! Zalika laughs as Thad picks her up. FUTURE-THAD I see you made a poopie. LIAM Actually, it was a pukie. Future-Thad smiles at the sight and stupidity of his old friend. FUTURE-THAD I meant the baby. LIAM I knew that. I'm Liam Smith. FUTURE-THAD Bill... QUASAR John. FUTURE-THAD John Thadow. This is my friend... (He goes blank) Uh... QUASAR (equally blank) Uh... Call me Max. LIAM Max, John... This is Stacy VaVoom. QUASAR (Nods) Madame Vice President. STACY Excuse me? QUASAR (Whoops) Er... I mean, you... SHOULD be the vice president! As pretty and smart as you are. ARTURO Hah! A woman vice president! That'll be the day! STACY Oh, YEAH!? Well, I'll show you, fatass! I'm going to enroll in political science course right now and - you'll see - I WILL become the vice president some day! Maybe even... PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES! ARTURO That baby will FLY before you become, president! STACY Outta my way! Stacy pushes Arturo out of the way and storms out. QUASAR (Calls after Stacy) Nice meeting you! LIAM Wait a minute... I don't have any diapers here. What did she put on the baby? Future-Thad looks. FUTURE-THAD Looks like an issue of Boobies magazine with Kari Wuhrer on the cover. LIAM (Slow motion) Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! As Liam is screaming in slow motion, everyone else is moving at normal speed looking at each other in confusion. LIAM GET THAT OFF OF HER BEFORE SHE DEFILES IT WITH MORE BABY POO! Thad takes the magazine off the baby. QUASAR You can't just leave her little butt exposed! FUTURE-THAD I'll go to the store and get diapers. ARTURO No, I'll go. It'll give me time to get a cigar from the store to celebrate renting out another hole in this firetrap. Arturo goes to exit, but slips in the unseen puddle of vomit on the floor and falls to the ground with a thud. He stands up again, trying to salvage his dignity, and then slips and falls again. Finally, he makes it out the door. LIAM You guys are moving in? QUASAR Yes, right below your apartment. LIAM That's just Jim Dandy! I'm sure we'll all be best friends! Liam's watch beeps. LIAM Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts! Kari Wuhrer's "Play it to the Bone" is about to come on! All right, everyone! It's Liam's private time! OUT! OUT! OUT! OUT! Liam shoos everyone out, shuts the door, and turns on the TV. TV And now we present, Kari Wuhrer in "Play it to the Bone!" KARI WUHRER (On TV) Oh no! I dropped my lollipop on the ground! Now I have nothing to suck on. MUSIC (On TV) Bom-chicka-mow-wow! LIAM Heeeeee! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP SEA MAN is still looking for the MGM Grand. Above him, we see NIGHTFLYER following on the rooftops. Suddenly... CAPEMAN (O.C.) I hear you're looking for me. SEA MAN Eeeeeeek! Sea Man turns around and sees CAPEMAN standing there. SEA MAN Oh, it's you. Capeman, I know you don't know who I am but I need your help! CAPEMAN I don't care. SEA MAN You aren't going to help? CAPEMAN No, I don't care who you are. I will help, but my rates are not cheap. SEA MAN That's good, because we need your... What rates? CAPEMAN A standard rescue runs a hundred bucks. Two hundred if it's on the weekend. Hostage rescue, at least one where you want the hostages to live... that's four hundred easily. SEA MAN What about stopping a threat from the future? CAPEMAN One thousand dollars. SEA MAN Let's haggle. CAPEMAN No. SEA MAN One hundred. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Two hundred. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Three hundred. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Four hundred. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Five. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Six. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Seven? CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Eight. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN Nine. CAPEMAN A thousand. SEA MAN A thousand. CAPEMAN A thousand five hundred. SEA MAN Two thousand and not a penny less! CAPEMAN Sold! SEA MAN Good! (a beat) SHIT! Capeman, you're materialistic and greedy! More, even! CAPEMAN Yeah, yeah, yeah... file a complaint after you pay me the two thousand. Until then, talk to the hand. Capeman holds his hand up. Sea Man looks at it in confusion and then speaks to it. SEA MAN (To the hand) Please work for free! CAPEMAN (using his hand as a puppet) No way, Jose! Capeman's cell phone rings. CAPEMAN (To phone) This is Capeman! You pay, I pummel! (a beat) Yuh-huh. (a beat) Yuh-huh. (a beat) Yuh-huh. (a beat) Yuh-huh. (a beat) Consider it done, Drinky! He hangs up. CAPEMAN Bite me, blonde boy! The president's paying me a cool hundred G's to track down a missing Mars probe! I can probably sucker those other stuper-heroes into doing a lot of the work for me! Tah, tah! Capeman takes off into the air. SEA MAN Great, now what!? EXT. A STORE PROFESSOR ARTURO gets out of Mr. Hilter's old pick-up truck and walks to the door. A sign in the window catches his eye. INSERT SHOT - THE SIGN GRAB YOUR P.E.N.I.S. HERE! EXT. A STORE As before. ARTURO What the...? INT. THE STORE Arturo is walking to the cash register with a package of diapers when he sees Thad (the one from the past) and Bippo the Clown. ARTURO Hello lads. BIPPO THE CLOWN Greetings, professor. THAD Yes, professor. How are you? ARTURO YOU BLISTERING... (a beat) Wait, no cutting remarks about my age or weight? THAD Why, no professor. That would be rude and we wouldn't want that. BIPPO THE CLOWN Not in the least teeny-tiny amount. ARTURO I've never seen you two so polite. (a beat) What's the scam? THAD No scam, professor. We're just very relaxed and mellow because we've been playing with our P.E.N.I.S. all morning. ARTURO (A beat) I see. BIPPO THE CLOWN It's cool. First we played with our own, and then Thad suggested that we play with each others. That made it even better! ARTURO Good lord, you two are... THAD You want to try it? ARTURO Certainly not! Far be it for me to judge you, but you're both perverted and depraved, and... Thad hands Arturo a P.E.N.I.S. in a package. A beat. ARTURO (Laughs) Oh, it's a... Ha, ha... you were playing with a... Haw! It's a... (a beat) What is it? INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT Quasar, Future-Thad, and Ultrababy are on the floor of the empty, unfurnished apartment eating candy from a vending machine. QUASAR Does this place smell funny to you? FUTURE-THAD Yeah, I wonder what that is? CUT TO: INT. BOBBY DEHUTT'S APARTMENT BOBBY DEHUTT, a grotesquely overweight man, is lying on his couch. He lifts a butt cheek and farts loudly. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT As before. FUTURE-THAD Smells like someone took a crap on raw bacon! QUASAR I'm worried. We've been here for hours and we still have no idea when or how Senestra or Mogul are going to strike! FUTURE-THAD Yeah, but in the meantime... It's good to be back. QUASAR It is? What good is there about this heap of an apartment? FUTURE-THAD Oh, it's not really the apartment, it's the people. Liam, Stacy, the professor, Harry the Handyman, Elvis, Doris, Mr. Hilter... A lot of them have been gone a long time. Almost two years. It makes me ask a lot of questions... QUASAR Like what? FUTURE-THAD Well, like... How far have I really come? Am I a better person? Have I grown as an individual in the last five years? And why is Devour parking a van right out side our window? Quasar looks. Sure enough, Devour has just parked outside their ground-story window. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Future-Thad and Quasar rush outside. Luna is in the passenger seat cradling a P.E.N.I.S. in her arm. QUASAR Since when could Devour drive? FUTURE-THAD He's been playing Grand Theft Auto on the watchtower with Timberlackey. Still, he's not that good of a driver. There are three dead mimes stuck to the front of the grill. DEVOUR (laughing like Scooby) Ree hee HEE hee hee hee! LUNA Hi, guys! How are you! I missed you! Quasar reaches for the P.E.N.I.S. QUASAR What the hell is...? THAD Don't touch it! QUASAR What? Why? THAD Because getting between Luna and her P.E.N.I.S. would be a very, very bad thing! Music sting! QUASAR What? INT. THE MGM GRAND Sea Man is walking along trying to figure out what to do. He's also begging people around him for money. By now, a good many of them are carrying P.E.N.I.S.'s SEA MAN Excuse me, I need two thousand dollars so that Capeman will help me, can you chip in? GAMBLER Get a job, you bum! SEA MAN (Hurt) I have a job! Sea Man bumps into DONNER. DONNER Watch it! SEA MAN I'm sorry, I... Mr. Donner! DONNER That's MISTER Donner to you, buddy. SEA MAN Right, you don't know me. I'm from the future where I work for you. DONNER Is that right? SEA MAN Yes, it is. Point is, I'm trying to stop someone you hate in the future which is my present, from altering the past which is your present! Point is, will you give me two thousand dollars so I can hire Capeman? DONNER I'm moved by your story. SEA MAN You are? DONNER Yes, in fact... I will contribute to paying Capeman's fee for you. SEA MAN You will? Donner flips a quarter into Sea Man's hand. DONNER There's a quarter. Call someone who gives a shit. Donner walks away. SEA MAN A quarter? (a beat, he smiles) YES! Only one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars and seventy-five cents to go! Someone bumps into him and his quarter goes flying into the air. SEA MAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The quarter lands in a slot machine. Sea Man lunges for it, but only hits the lever causing the rollers to start up. SEA MAN (Shrieks) MY QUARTER!!! CHOCOLATE TREAT walks over. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, I'm sorry suga'! I didn't mean to bump into ya'! SEA MAN DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!? The slot machine suddenly flares to life. An alarms starts ringing. CHOCOLATE TREAT You won, Blondey! SEA MAN I won? It's a game? CHOCOLATE TREAT You just one twenty-five hundred dollars! SEA MAN Aw, nuts! I needed two thousand! CHOCOLATE TREAT You got that! SEA MAN I do! I do! I DO! I can hire Capeman and he can save the day! CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, baby, you don't need Capeman! SEA MAN Are you sure? CHOCOLATE TREAT Absolutely... You look like the kinda man that needs saving and I, honey, I can save you so much! SEA MAN Aw, aren't you sweet? CHOCOLATE TREAT Would you like to have a little fun? SEA MAN Oh, I would... but I'm a man of action. CHOCOLATE TREAT What a coincidence! So am I! SEA MAN Wonderful! Then perhaps you can help save the future! CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, I'm going to be doin' more than that! Come this way. Chocolate Treat leads Sea Man to a restroom. SEA MAN Where are we going? CHOCOLATE TREAT You'll see. They go inside. After a second, we hear Sea Man's blood curdling shriek! He erupts from the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and runs away. CHOCOLATE TREAT Damn! Lost another one! I don't know WHAT can cheer me up now! Someone walks by looking extremely relaxed and carrying a P.E.N.I.S. CHOCOLATE TREAT That's it! (a beat) I'll go knock boots with Liam Smith! That'll cheer me up! She takes off out the door. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT Future-Thad, Devour, and Quasar are trying to coax Luna into putting down the P.E.N.I.S.. Ultra-Baby is holding Devour nearby and laughing. Devour looks miserable. FUTURE-THAD Come on, Luna, put down the P.E.N.I.S.! You don't know where it's been! LUNA No! You go away! Mr. Mogul and that evil lady gave it to me! QUASAR Well, they know we're here. THAD Yes, they know. And we know that they know. And they probably know that we know that they know. Fortunately, they don't know that we know that they know that they know that we know that they know. QUASAR Huh? THAD Nevermind! Stay here with Luna and try to keep an eye out for Mogul and Malevolous! I'm going to go see if I can't find a doctor that can help Luna. Thad walks out the door. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH is watching TV. A commercial for P.E.N.I.S. is on. TV ...and so, if you want to be popular and be happy twenty-four hours a day, put a P.E.N.I.S. in your hand! Liam switches the TV off. LIAM This fad is more than a little disturbing. Almost but not quite as bad as Pokemon, even. Thad and Bippo enter. Both are holding a P.E.N.I.S. THAD God, I don't know what I would do without my P.E.N.I.S., Huh Bippo? BIPPO My P.E.N.I.S. is my best friend! LIAM Guys, you've been playing with your P.E.N.I.S.'s for hours! You haven't been sleeping, eating, or even bathing! My God, can't you see what it's doing to you? THAD (to Bippo) What's with Liam? BIPPO P.E.N.I.S. envy. THAD Yeah, that's it! You're just jealous because I've got a P.E.N.I.S. and you don't. PROFESSOR ARTURO enters. ARTURO Hello, boys. Marvelous day, isn't it? LIAM It's a lousy day, professor. Have you heard about this new thing on the market? You know, the P.E.N.I.S.? ARTURO Yes, I have heard of it, my boy. Quiet alarming that the entire population of the world has taken up with a fad so quickly. LIAM There! I'm glad someone agrees with me and is boycotting this P.E.N.I.S. crap! ARTURO Boycotting nothing! I bought three! LIAM What!? THAD Way to go, Professor! BIPPO Take your P.E.N.I.S. out and show it to the world! Arturo takes the devise out of his pocket. THAD Is your P.E.N.I.S. supposed to be purple? BIPPO Maybe you should have it looked at. ARTURO It's the newest designer colors. I got tired of seeing all of the pink P.E.N.I.S.'s around town, so I got something different. BIPPO Tres bien, proff! ARTURO It's so wonderful! Everyone has one of these delightful machines! Drew, Kevin, Elvis... Even Chocolate Treat has a P.E.N.I.S.. BIPPO (looks at camera) Uh-huh. LIAM This is ridiculous! Thad, Bippo! Get out of my apartment and, professor, put your damn P.E.N.I.S. away! I'm tired of looking at it! Arturo does so. ARTURO Oh, come now Liam! Hasn't living in America taught you to jump on the bandwagon of every two-cent fad that comes along? LIAM Yeah, but I'm being a rebel this time. THAD Oh, Liam... That reminds me... I bought you something at the store. Happy birthday! LIAM My birthday isn't until May, Thad. You know that! THAD Oh, well... Uh... Happy President's Day! Thad puts the package on Liam's table. LIAM Oh, let me guess... It's a P.E.N.I.S.. BIPPO We thought you could use one. THAD Well, got to be going! BIPPO You and your P.E.N.I.S. have a pleasant afternoon, okay? Thad and Bippo leave. LIAM Professor, I can't believe you're a part of all of this. ARTURO You're taking this way too seriously, Liam! Me, I love it! I hold my P.E.N.I.S. up proudly! LIAM I'm sure you do. Arturo leaves. Liam looks down at the package and sighs. LIAM ...and I thought pocket pets were bad. INT. A FORTUNE TELLER'S SHOP SEA MAN - looking desperate to hide, frantic, and still with his pants around his ankles - ducks inside. He looks out the window and sighs in relief when it looks like Chocolate Treat isn't following. VOICE (O.C.) I've been expecting you! Sea Man looks. SEA MAN Who... Who are you!? The camera whirls around to reveal... MISS CLEO I am... MISS CLEO! Thunderclap. SEA MAN I am Sea Man. MISS CLEO Yes, I know. SEA MAN You read my mind! MISS CLEO Yes, I know. SEA MAN You're a psychic! MISS CLEO Yes, I know. SEA MAN I come from the future and we're here to stop a pair of time traveling villains! MISS CLEO Yes, I know. SEA MAN You're amazing! What should I do!? I need help from Justice Squad... or the heroes that will become Justice Squad. MISS CLEO Yes, I know. A beat. SEA MAN And? MISS CLEO And I ain't be giving advise for free. Sea Man gives her a handful of quarters. MISS CLEO Good. Now pull your pants up and get your ass over here. Sea Man does so. He sets down in front of Miss Cleo. MISS CLEO Now, gaze into the crystal ball. Sea Man looks into the crystal ball. A commercial for Coca Cola begins to play. SEA MAN What's this? MISS CLEO A commercial. SEA MAN But, I paid for your services! Aren't you exploiting me as a captive audience? MISS CLEO You want your reading to get more expensive? Watch the damn commercial! SEA MAN Fine. The commercial ends. MISS CLEO Now... The heroes you seek shall congregate at a cabin in the woods. Here is the location. She hands him a piece of paper. SEA MAN Thank you. I can swim through the sewers and get there extra fast! Thank you, Miss Cleo! MISS CLEO No, Thank you. SEA MAN Thank you. MISS CLEO No, thank you. SEA MAN Thank you. MISS CLEO No, thank you. SEA MAN Thank you. MISS CLEO No, thank you. SEA MAN Thank you. MISS CLEO Just get out of here, ya honky! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Sea Man runs to a manhole out in the middle of the street almost causing several cars to crash. He takes off the manhole and prepares to jump inside, when suddenly... THWHIP! Sea Man grabs his butt. SEA MAN Ow! Damn mosquitos! A Sea Man turns to get inside the manhole, we see that there is a little blinking tag on his butt with a triangle. EXT. THE STRIP NIGHTFLYER watches Sea Man get inside the man hole and disappear. He takes out a tracker and smiles. NIGHTFLYER You can run, but you can't hide. There isn't a man's ass on Earth that NIGHTFLYER can't tag! MUSIC STING! NIGHTFLYER I mean... You know what I mean! Nightflyer runs to the awaiting PRIDE-WING and takes off. EXT. THE STRIP A hearse drives by. INT. THE HEARSE Future-Thad is driving. FUTURE-THAD Good thing I found this hearse with the keys still inside. Funeral homes are SUCH a big business around here during this time. (He thinks about that) Now to find a doctor. He looks at a phone book blocking his view of the road. FUTURE-THAD Doctor... Doctor.. Doctor... WHAM! BUMP-BUMP! Thad drops the phone-book. FUTURE-THAD I think I hit something! I'd better back up and make sure! Thad puts it in reverse and backs up. BUMP-BUMP! FUTURE-THAD I did hit something! It's... THAD'S POV. There is a little girl lying on the street in a girl scout's uniform. FUTURE-THAD (Mutters) Oh... fucksies. Thad leaps out of the hearse and runs over to the little girl. FUTURE-THAD Little girl, little girl! Are you okay? GIRL SCOUT (Moans) I'm okay, misther! FUTURE-THAD Is there anything I can do? GIRL SCOUT No... But now I think that my wittle wegs are broken and I won't be able to sthell my wasth boxth of cookiesth! FUTURE-THAD It's okay, I'LL by them from you. It's the least I can do for running you over. GIRL SCOUT Gee, thanksth misther! VOICE GET AWAY FROM THOSE COOKIES! FUTURE-THAD What the...? Drew Fangtastic - wearing heavy-duty sunblock - leaps out of nowhere and tackles Thad. FUTURE-THAD DREW!? DREW FANGTASTIC (To scout) Evil wretch! You'll not be selling any more of your girl scout cookies today! GIRL SCOUT Drew Fangtasthic! You've foiled our plansth for the lasth time! The girl scout takes out a gun and shoots at Drew. Drew does a series of flips to get out of the way, but Thad just stands there and takes three bullets in the chest. THAD Ow! (a beat, annoyed) HEY! Thad transforms into WOLFMAN! GIRL SCOUT Gasthp! A werewolf! WOLFMAN Yeah, and the joke's on you! I don't even LIKE thin-mints! Wolfman snatches the gun away from the girl scout. Suddenly, a THROWING STAR hits the girl scout in the forehead and she falls over dead... her body instantly changing into thousands of squirming maggots. WOLFMAN NASTY! DREW FANGTASTIC Yeah, that's a Moreshika Demon for you. There's a hive of them here in Las Vegas I've been trying to wipe out. Only about four or five of them left. WOLFMAN (Mutters) And here all this time, we thought you killed girl scouts 'cause you were a bastard. DREW FANGTASTIC Have we met before? WOLFMAN Excuse me? DREW FANGTASTIC Far be it for me to hang around werewolves, but you smell familiar. WOLFMAN Oh, I get that all the time. DREW FANGTASTIC AND you called me Drew. WOLFMAN (Caught) W-Well, let's just say that your... uh... reputation proceeds you. DREW FANGTASTIC Cool. Nice hearse. WOLFMAN Thanks. Drew takes out a large SILVER KNIFE and tries to stab Wolfman while he's not looking. Wolfman steps out of the way, catches the knife, and knocks Drew backwards. WOLFMAN What the HELL are you doing!? I just helped you kill that morey-poo poo demon! DREW FANGTASTIC Werewolves piss me off! There's room in this town for only one of those flea-bitten mongrels! (he looks) You ripped my jacket, you dick! TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG jumps into frame. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG I saw everything! I'll testify on your behalf, Drew... as long as I get thirty percent of the take. DREW FANGTASTIC What would I do with money, you filthy mutt! I'm a vampire. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG Just a guess... Uh, breath mints? WOLFMAN Okay, look... I think we got off on the wrong foot. DREW FANGTASTIC You're damned right! Trying to kill you is the wrong foot... Succeeding would be the right one. WOLFMAN I so do not have time for this. Look, I'm on an important mission to save the future and I don't have time for you to interfere. How about I buy you lunch and we can call it even? DREW FANGTASTIC Lunch, eh? Well, as much as I enjoy killing werewolves and generally tormenting them, I am pretty hungry and I love getting free food. Know anyplace that serves meat very rare? WOLFMAN Are you nuts? You said it yourself, pal, I'm a werewolf... I eat at petting zoos. Drew smiles. DREW FANGTASTIC Despite it all, I think I might actually consider liking you. What's your name? WOLFMAN (thinking) Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. Don't say Thad. (aloud) I'm not Thad. (thinking) Hooray! Drew and Triumph look at each other. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Senestra, Rock, and Tank look at dozens of news reports about the P.E.N.I.S. devises. Senestra laughs. SENESTRA Yes, my plan is working brilliantly Those simpering fools don't even realize that they've all become addicted to the effects of the P.E.N.I.S. devises. ROCK So, what are you gonna do next, Miss Malevolous? SENESTRA Simple, my quivering pile of pre protoplasmic fluid in stooped-over human form, I'm going to deactivate them! TANK D'ah, you're going to turn them all off? SENESTRA Yessssssss! With every P.E.N.I.S. in the world down, the population will slip into panic and I, Senestra Malevolous will step in and take control! World domination: I can taste it! It's buttery! INT. A RESTAUANT DREW, TRIUMPH, and FUTURE-THAD are having lunch. Drew and Thad are having raw steaks while Triumph has a bowl of wet dog food, a milk bone, and a glass of wine. DREW FANGTASTIC You know, for a slovenly, smelly, and ugly werewolf, you're actually an okay guy, John. FUTURE-THAD Well, thanks. DREW FANGTASTIC Are you sure we haven't met before? Your human form looks awfully familiar. FUTURE-THAD (Changing subject) So, killing girl scouts, huh? DREW FANGTASTIC Yeah, those filthy little demons thought that they could poison people with their cookies and then eat their spleens. FUTURE-THAD So, you do that kind of stuff often? Trying to save people, I mean? DREW FANGTASTIC I know... What's a badass vampire like myself doing saving people when it's obvious that I have my own secret agenda? Truth is, I do this kind of stuff all the time to keep me wits sharp. Why, right now, I'm investigating this whole P.E.N.I.S. thing. Thad spits out his water, soaking Drew and Triumph. FUTURE-THAD Sorry. DREW FANGTASTIC Don't mention it. FUTURE-THAD You're investigating the P.E.N.I.S.? DREW FANGTASTIC Yeah, I want to know what makes you feel so good to have one in your hands. Why fondling it causes you to loose all your worries and cares... and why, once you get one... you never want to let it go. I suspect foul play. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG That's as retarded as your parents when they chose to conceive you! The P.E.N.I.S. is harmless! You and I played with a couple of them for hours and nothing happened to us! DREW FANGTASTIC You're a dog and I'm dead... Somehow I don't think they were made for us. No, as god is my witness... I'm going to be all over the P.E.N.I.S. until I'm satisfied. FUTURE-THAD I wish I had a tape recorder. DOOGAN KESSLER walks by with a tape recorder. DOOGAN Don't worry, I'll make you a copy. INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Senestra walks over to a button that says P.E.N.I.S. DEACTIVATION. SENESTRA Hello Earth! It's me, Senestra Malevolous! BOW TO ME!!! Senestra presses the button. INT. ARTURO'S APARTMENT The professor is sitting in a chair with his P.E.N.I.S. when the antenae on top droops down and the lights on the devise goes out. ARTURO What the...!? My... My P.E.N.I.S. has gone limp! INT. THE WHITE HOUSE George W. Bush is walking down the hall in a bathrobe with a toothbrush in one hand and his P.E.N.I.S. in the other. He stops. GEORGE W. BUSH Wha...!? It's stopped working! This... This am bullshit! I'll bomb everyone until my P.E.N.I.S. is up and running again! INT. THE KREMLIN VLADIMIR PUTIN, President of Russia, is banging his P.E.N.I.S. against his desk. PUTIN (subtitles translated from Russian) Work, damn you P.E.N.I.S.! Work! EXT. VATICAN CITY Outside the Pope's home, shouting in Latin is heard. The only discernible word is "P.E.N.I.S.". INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is sitting in front of his TV watching a movie. TV Due to technical difficulties, we are unable to air the rest of Kari Wuhrer's "Play it to the Bone". We will instead be airing five animated shows in a row. Liam switches off the TV. LIAM I hate FOX. Bored, he looks over at the still-unopened P.E.N.I.S. package. LIAM Hmmmmmmm... INT. A RESTAUANT Drew, Triumph, and Thad's attention are captured by CHIP BEAVERMILK and CONNIE LINGUS on the TV. CHIP BEAVERMILK (On TV) A national disaster today as we here at WSUX news have learned that P.E.N.I.S.'s all over the world have suddenly stopped functioning. CONNIE LINGUS (On TV) WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S STOPPED WORKING!? ARRRRRRRRGH! BLAH-BLEE-BLEE-BLAH BLAH BLAH! ZOOT ZOOT! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! CHIP BEAVERMILK (On TV) We now go live to our expert scientist, The Professor. THE PROFESSOR is on TV. CHIP BEAVERMILK (On TV) Professor, would you say that this is a good time to panic? THE PROFESSOR (On TV) You're doggoned right it is! The professor takes a chair, smashes it into a glass, steals a news TV, and runs away. BACK TO DREW, THAD, and TRIUMPH FUTURE-THAD It's starting! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY The residents are all coming out of their apartments holding their non-working P.E.N.I.S.'s. DORIS, KEVIN, BIPPO, THAD, ELVIS, and ARTURO are present. KEVIN This is horrible! Is there any working P.E.N.I.S. in the building!? ARTURO I'm afraid not, my boy! (a pause) Who the hell are you again? DORIS Well, call 9-1-1, fat boy! This is an emergency! Arturo runs over to the phone and dials. ELVIS I'm gettin' weak, man! I can feel the withdrawal pains! It's just like when I kicked my Kentucky Fried Chicken habit! BIPPO I want a P.E.N.I.S. now! Arturo is on the phone. OPERATOR Hello, thank you for calling 9-1-1. We're sorry, but all of our operators are currently unavailable because their P.E.N.I.S.'s have stopped working. If you remain alive, please call back in 5 minutes. Arturo hangs up. ARTURO BLAST! I want a P.E.N.I.S. and I need it now! I'd do anything for a P.E.N.I.S.! THAD That's it! I gave a P.E.N.I.S. to Liam! I bet IT'S still working! ARTURO That... BASTARD! Let's GET HIM! EVERYONE YEAH! Everyone runs out the door. INT. A RESTAUANT It's near-panic now as the patrons have realized that their P.E.N.I.S.'s aren't working. DOOGAN (runs by) Oh, GOD! God, NO! NOT MY P.E.N.I.S! ANYTHING BUT MY P.E.N.I.S! CHIP BEAVERMILK (On TV) We have just learned that there is ONE WORKING P.E.N.I.S. in Las Vegas! CONNIE LINGUS (On TV) How DID we learn that, Chip? CHIP BEAVERMILK (ON TV) Who cares, Connie? The point is, we must find this P.E.N.I.S. and KILL the man who owns it... LIAM SMITH!!! EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT LIAM SMITH! KILL LIAM SMITH!!! Everyone runs out. DREW FANGTASTIC (to Thad) Why aren't you affected? FUTURE-THAD I don't have a P.E.N.I.S. Drew Fangtastic clicks off a tape recorder. DREW FANGTASTIC Eunuch, eh? I should have known! FUTURE-THAD Drew, shut up! We've got to do something! DREW FANGTASTIC You got that right! SMACK! Drew punches Thad in the face. Thad falls to the floor. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG That was something all right. DREW FANGTASTIC Come on, Triumph, we've got to get to Liam before the mob does! Drew takes the keys to the hearse out of Thad's pocket. INT. THE PRIDE-WING Nightflyer is flying his state of the art craft watching the commotion caused by the P.E.N.I.S. crisis. NIGHTFLYER I think it's more than obvious that I cannot afford to trail this strange man from the future anymore. I have to hide and come up with some way of reversing the P.E.N.I.S.' effects! EXT. THE SKY The PRIDE-WING banks and flies off into the distance. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY CHOCOLATE TREAT is walking down the hall. CHOCOLATE TREAT Horny, horny, horny, horny! Liam Smith, here I come!!! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam has unwrapped the P.E.N.I.S. and is reading the directions. LIAM ...and place devise into the palm of your hand. Warning, the P.E.N.I.S. may pose a choking hazard. Liam puts down the directions and places the P.E.N.I.S. in the palm of his hand. A smile crosses his face. LIAM Hey, this is nice. I should have played with my P.E.N.I.S. a long time ago. There is a knock at the door. Liam answers it revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT standing there with a glazed look in her eyes. CHOCOLATE TREAT Liam, I want your penis! LIAM You can't have my little devise, Chocolate Treat! CHOCOLATE TREAT What device? Chocolate Treat is pushed out of the way by Arturo, Elvis, Bippo, Thad, Doris, and Kevin. LIAM Oh, hey guys! What's with the crazed bloodthirsty expressions? ELVIS Give us your P.E.N.I.S., Liam! LIAM No, no, no! You can't touch my P.E.N.I.S.! You don't know where it's been! ARTURO Liam's P.E.N.I.S. is fully functional! DORIS But how? BIPPO Who cares!? I want a piece of it! Everyone charges at Liam. Liam slams the door in their faces and bolts the door. LIAM All of those people all wanting to touch my P.E.N.I.S.!? I'd be laughing if I wasn't so terrified! INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY Arturo, Elvis, Bippo, Thad, Doris, and Kevin are standing there trying to get in. Chocolate Treat stands and looks pissed. CHOCOLATE TREAT DAMN YOU PEOPLE! I WAS FINALLY ABOUT TO GET LIAM'S PENIS! KEVIN Oh, we want it too. Come on, Chocolate Treat, help us break down the door so we can all get to it! CHOCOLATE TREAT (A beat) Ooo, kinky! EXT. THE UPPER ATMOSPHERE Capeman stops and motions for BLUE FAIRY, ULTRAWOMAN, and CAPTAIN SPAZ to stop as well. ULTRAWOMAN What's wrong, Capeman? CAPEMAN Some sort of worldwide disaster, Ultrawoman! BLUE FAIRY See? I told you this would happen if we all went to Mars at once! CAPEMAN We all didn't go to Mars at once! We left Collosal Chunk and Decoy here to watch things. CAPTAIN SPAZ W-W-Well, l-let's go check in with the big guy and see what's going on! EXT. A HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS The heros fly down to the front door and ring the doorbell. COLOSSAL CHUNK bursts through the door swinging his fists in fury. COLOSSAL CHUNK CHUNK SMASH! CHUNK SMASH! ULTRAWOMAN Great galaxies! Colossal Chunk has gone mad! CAPEMAN Decoy!? Oh, god! Where's Decoy???!!! DECOY VIII appears as Captain Spaz and Blue Fairy attempt to subdue Colossal Chunk. Decoy looks like he hasn't slept in a week. CAPEMAN Decoy, thank god your safe! What happened!? Decoy looks at Capeman with a woeful look. It's obvious the young sidekick isn't sane. DECOY VIII I-It doesn't work, Capeman! My P.E.N.I.S. doesn't work! Obviously, this wasn't what Capeman was ready to hear. CAPEMAN Your... penis doesn't work? DECOY VIII It went bye-bye. ULTRAWOMAN Decoy, doctors can help you with your problem. You don't... DECOY VIII When my P.E.N.I.S. stopped working, I tried to grab Collosal Chunk's and play with it, but his didn't respond to me. Another thing Capeman wasn't expecting to hear. CAPEMAN Uh... and is that why Chunk's trying to tear off Captain Spaz' head right now? Because you grabbed his penis? DECOY VIII Partially, but I don't think his P.E.N.I.S. is working either. CAPEMAN Under the circumstances, I doubt mine would as well. Decoy, nothing you've said has made any sense! DECOY VIII It doesn't matter. NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE! Decoy runs and jumps into a wood chipper spattering blood and guts all over Ultrawoman and Capeman. CAPEMAN DECOY!!! NOOOOO-- (he sees the mess on his tights) EWWWWWW, GROSS! ULTRAWOMAN Oh, my dry cleaners are SO going to love this. So, you ever loose a sidekick to suicide before? CAPEMAN I guess there's a first time for- WHAM! Capeman is clobbered by Collosal Chunk! COLLOSAL CHUNK CAPEMAN REASON P.E.N.I.S. NOT WORK! CAPEMAN MUST DIE!!! Collosal Chunk grabs Capeman and holds him up by his throat. COLOSSAL CHUNK DIE, CAPEMAN! DIE! CAPEMAN Gah! What to do? If I fight Chunk, I could kill him but if I don't he could kill me! It's save myself and kill my friend, or spare my friend and sacrifice myself... My god, these are the things that cliffhangers are made of! Colossal Chunk begins to beat Capeman repeatedly against a tree. SEA MAN has emerged from the sewers and looks on in amazement. SEA MAN Wow! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS is riding down the strip in a hummer with a tight military uniform on and a control pad in her hand. She watches the devastation and a smile crosses her face. SENESTRA It's all going perfectly to plan. She pulls out a bullhorn and begins to address the rioting crowds around here. SENESTRA PEOPLE OF LAS VEGAS, I'M AM SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS. (a beat) HI, HOW ARE YA? I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT YOUR PRECIOUS P.E.N.I.S.'S HAVE STOPPED WORKING. I CAN MAKE THEM WORK AGAIN! I CAN MAKE YOU ALL HAPPY AGAIN! ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU ALL WORSHIP ME AND MAKE ME THE UNQUESTIONABLE DICTATOR OF THE ENTIRE PLANET! Senestra takes the device and turns the intensity from zero to 10 percent. The crowd, still holding their P.E.N.I.S.'s react to the mild boost. SENESTRA ARE YOU WITH ME!? The crowd doesn't even bother to think about it. Immediately, they rush to the Hummer and begin chanting "Senestra" over and over again. From the shadows, Future-Senestra and Rich E. Mogul are watching. RICH E. MOGUL Very soon now, Senesetra... VERY soon! FUTURE SENESTRA Yes... soon, Liam Smith and Justice Squad will be HISTORY! RICH E. MOGUL On the other hand, no they won't! They laugh. Senestra stops. FUTURE SENESTRA I hate time travel. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam is holding the door shut as Arturo, Thad, Bippo, Elvis, Kevin, and Doris try to break it down. Suddenly, the sound to a chainsaw cuts through the air. LIAM I can't believe it! I'm going to be killed by my best friends all because they want to possess my P.E.N.I.S.! Well, I ain't going down without a fight! If you bastards want my P.E.N.I.S., you're going to have to take it over my dead body! The chainsaw slices through the door which falls in pieces to the ground. BIPPO THAT can be easily arranged! DORIS GET HIM! ELVIS KILL HIM! ARTURO Save his P.E.N.I.S. for me! Everyone dog-piles on Liam throwing punches. It is a total melee. NARRATOR Is this is the end of Liam Smith? Torn limb from limb by those he trusts the most? INT. SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS' OFFICE Senestra is watching events unfold on TV and laughing while sitting on a throne, wearing a crown, and having her nails done. NARRATOR Has Senestra Malevolous finally taken over the world? EXT. THE HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS Ultrawoman, Captain Spaz, and Blue Fairy watch Collosal Chunk beat the crap out of Capeman all unsure what to do. SEA MAN is standing nearby and we see that it is him who is narrating the events. SEA MAN And is THIS is the end of Capeman? Tune in next time as these and other exciting answers are answered on THE LIAM SMITH SHOW! BLUE FAIRY Who was that? ULTRAWOMAN (shrugs) Some guy. INT. A RESTAUANT Future Thad wakes up and, holding his head, he stands. FUTURE-THAD That little limy so-and-so! When I get back to the future, I am SO kicking his ass! He thinks. FUTURE-THAD I've got to get to Liam pronto! Thad runs out the front door, transforming into WOLFMAN! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP WOLFMAN leaps into the air and onto the roof of a building. At a pretty good rate of speed, he runs along the rooftops towards his destination. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT LUNA is sitting on the floor in a P.E.N.I.S.-induced happy daze. Quasar, Ultra-Baby, and Devour look up towards the ceiling wondering what's going on above them. QUASAR What the Hellsinki is going on up there!? DEVOUR Rye rownt row! ULTRABABY (Shrugs) Goo? ARTURO'S VOICE (From above) Kill him! DORIS' VOICE (From above) Rip him to pieces! QUASAR That doesn't sound good. Quasar takes out his cosmic stick and point it at the ceiling. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Everyone has dogpiled Liam. Liam is desperately trying to get away, but is pulled back into the pile of arms and legs. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT Quasar is listening to the commotion above him and aiming his stick. QUASAR I have to be accurate about this, or it could be nasty! DEVOUR Mew! QUASAR A little to the left? Devour nods. QUASAR Let's hope this works! Quasar fires a fine beam out of his cosmic stick. It starts cutting into the ceiling above him. INT. THE DOGPILE Liam is trying to get away when, suddenly, there is a creak underneath him. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT Quasar finishes cutting the hole. LIAM SMITH falls into the apartment. Ultra-Baby catches him and then drops him head first on the floor. LIAM Nice catch, Zy! Devour! Cover the hole! DEVOUR Row ray! Devour takes out a hammer, some nails, and some carpentry glue. LIAM What's going on here? Hey, you can't have a cat in the apartments, Professor Arturo will have a fit! QUASAR Are you okay? LIAM Yeah, but I think Bippo bit me a couple of times. QUASAR Yeah, he has a tendency to do that. LIAM Thanks for the rescue, Max. QUASAR Don't mention it. I... Hey, you have a P.E.N.I.S! LIAM Thank you for noticing. I... Hey, you're just like the others! You want to yank my P.E.N.I.S. away from me and keep it for youself! QUASAR Not really. LIAM Well, you can't have it! It's mine! All mine, do you hear me! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! Liam takes off out the door. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - HALLWAY Liam gets out in the hall and braces a chair against the door of the apartment shutting Quasar and Devour inside. INT. AN EMPTY APARTMENT Quasar is trying to get the door open. Ultra-Baby coos happily as she floats by. QUASAR Dammit! He got away! Devour has finished patching the hole in the ceiling. DEVOUR Wuff! QUASAR (Looks) Nice craftsmanship. Anyone see you? Devour shakes his head no. QUASAR I guess we'd better follow that little creep. Come one! Quasar gets ready to blast the door open. Devour grabs him my the seat of his pants and holds him back. QUASAR What? Devour motions over to Luna who is curled up with her P.E.N.I.S. and sleeping. QUASAR What about her? She'll be fine! DEVOUR (Wines) Rrrr. QUASAR You're right... if they come in here and find her with that thing, they'll tear her to pieces. All right, we take her with us. Come on! Devour runs over and grabs Luna by the back of her costume, throws her up into the air, and catches her on his back. LUNA Are we going bye-byes? Quasar blasts the door open, grabs Ultra-baby, and the four of them run out. EXT. A HOUSE IN THE MOUNTAINS SEA MAN is hiding up in the branches of a giant redwood watching Colossal Chunk beat up Capeman. SEA MAN How exciting! I just don't know whether I should interfere or not because I... Colossal Chunk rips the redwood out of the ground. SEA MAN Suffering salmon! Colossal Chunk prepares to crush Capeman with the redwood when all of the sudden, he is enveloped by a red beam. Chunk blinks and drops the tree, flattening Sea Man under it. SEA MAN (Muffled) Oof! Colossal Chunk helps Capeman up. COLOSSAL CHUNK Chunk sorry, Capeman. Chunk appear to be only pawn in evil game of world domination. ULTRAWOMAN Chunk, you're back to your usual dim self, but who...!? Nightflyer leaps out of the trees. CAPEMAN Nightflyer! ULTRAWOMAN Oh, great... it's the Dork Knight. NIGHTFLYER Are you hurt, Capeman? CAPEMAN No. I'm nigh invulnerable, remember? What's going on here, Nightflyer? NIGHTFLYER What do you mean "what's going on?" Where have you been, Mars? The entire Earth has been driven to madness due to devices called Personal Electronic Neuron Inhibitor Systems. P.E.N.I.S. for short. BLUE FAIRY Why don't they ever check those acronyms first? NIGHTFLYER The world's in chaos. Thankfully, I've been hiding... Uh, I mean... in seclusion trying to reverse the effects and I think I've done so. Nightflyer holds up a gun. NIGHTFLYER This is what I used to put Colossal Chunk back into his right mind if you can call his mind right, that is. It's a Direct Orientation Neutralizing Gun. D.O.N.G. for short. Capeman takes the gun. CAPEMAN Nice craftsmanship. NIGHTFLYER Be careful, my D.O.N.G. is very sensitive to jerking movements. Captain Spaz and Blue Fairy give each other a look and a smirk. CAPEMAN Well, it's cute Nightflyer, but I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger D.O.N.G. than yours to satisfy the needs of the world. NIGHTFLYER Yes, but I've discovered that it's not the size of your D.O.N.G. that matters, it's how you use it. ULTRAWOMAN Yeah, right. NIGHTFLYER All we have to do is insert my D.O.N.G. into the access port of the International Space Station. The station contain's a Vertical Aligning Geosynchronous Initializing NASA Array. When the D.O.N.G. is inserted, it will stimulate the array leading to a climax that will rock the world. ULTRAWOMAN (sighs) If only it was that simple. CAPTAIN SPAZ B-But this will stop everyone from going crazy, right? NIGHTFLYER Theoretically. CAPEMAN No time to talk. Ultrawoman, Nightflyer, and I will handle the D.O.N.G. Collosal Chunk, Captain Spaz, and Blue Fairy will try to stop any bloodshed on Earth. Got it? NIGHTFLYER! Point your D.O.N.G. somewhere else! NIGHTFLYER Sorry. So, are we having our first official team up? CAPEMAN Yes. Who knows what might spin off of this little adventure. ULTRAWOMAN Well, it's funny you should say that, because I want you to... CAPEMAN No time! Tell me later! Capeman grabs Nightflyer and, with Ultrawoman, fly into the sky. Captain Spaz looks at Blue Fairy and Collosal Chunk. BLUE FAIRY I guess the only town that isn't protected by a superhero right now is Las Vegas. CAPTAIN SPAZ Then let's jet! They all pile into the Decoymobile. SEA MAN pulls himself out from under the tree. SEA MAN Gasp and egad! Did I just witness the first meeting of Justice Squad? Captain Spaz, Blue Fairy, and Colossal Chunk are about to take off in the Decoymobile. SEA MAN Gasp and egad again! I have to follow them! Sea Man runs and grabs on to the bumper of the Decoymobile. It takes off dragging him behind it. SEA MAN Owie, owie, owie! Thorns! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT ARTURO, CHOCOLATE TREAT, KEVIN, DORIS, THAD, BIPPO, and ELVIS are piled on top of the unseen LIAM SMITH trying to take away his P.E.N.I.S.. THAD Pokes his head up from the melee. THAD Uh, guys? Arturo pokes his head up. Everyone else continues pounding in a sea of flying kicks and punches. ARTURO Yes, Thaddeus? THAD I haven't hit Liam in at least five minutes. Are you sure he's still in there? Arturo looks down. He's not sure. ARTURO Hold on, I'll check. Arturo dives back into the fight. Thad continues to look around. After a few seconds, Arturo pops back up. ARTURO I haven't seen him, but Bippo said that he think that he's biting Liam's leg. THAD No, that's my leg he's biting. Professor, I hate to say this, but I don't think Liam is down there. Arturo looks down and looks back at Thad. ARTURO My dear boy, I do believe you are right. Arturo begins clapping his hands. ARTURO Okay, okay! Break it up! Slowly the punching, kicking, and biting subsides. And everyone stands. DORIS What is it, professor? ARTURO Thad and I have come to a rather embarrassing conclusion. It seems that during our bloodthirsty fisticuffs, he have allowed Mister Smith to escape unnoticed. ELVIS That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We've been beating him for a half hour! There's no way in hell he could have... Elvis looks around. ELVIS Okay... All right... He's not here, but that proves nothing! CHOCOLATE TREAT Dammit! Liam's escaped and he's taken his penis With him! Selfish bastard! He could have at least let me hold it for a minute! BIPPO Okay, here's what we do... The six of us need to search the apartments. If he's not here, we... CHOCOLATE TREAT Seven. BIPPO What? CHOCOLATE TREAT There's seven of us. BIPPO How? KEVIN You forgot to count yourself. BIPPO Right. The seven of us search the apartments. If he's not here, we widen our search to the strip. ARTURO It appears Liam has the last working P.E.N.I.S. in the city and if the population finds out, then God help him. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP - NIGHT Liam is walking alone in a trench coat through the wandering and lost mob of people. Suddenly, an OLD WOMAN jumps on him. OLD WOMAN YOU must have a P.E.N.I.S., Young man! Let me have it! LIAM Gah! Get away! Liam backs away from the old woman, but trips over a vagrant in the street. After he hits the ground, his P.E.N.I.S. falls out of his coat and lands on the ground. The second it does, everyone on the strip turns and looks at the flashing device. OLD WOMAN I KNEW IT! (screaming) P.E.N.I.S.!!! Liam scoops up his P.E.N.I.S. and runs for it, but a growing mob cuts him off. He is surrounded on all sides and there is no escape from the mob who looks like there about to tear him limb from limb. Suddenly, a HEARSE crashes it's way through the crowd. It stops just short of Liam and the door swings open revealing TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG Get in! Liam dives into the hearse. Unseen by him, WOLFMAN leaps through the crowd and scurries underneath the hearse just as it takes off, holding on to the undercarriage as they drive away. Quasar, Devour, and Luna run out and see them take off. QUASAR That way! INT. THE HEARSE Liam is breathing hard and slumped in the seat. He looks over and sees DREW FANGTASTIC at the wheel and Triumph in the back. LIAM Triumph? Drew? TRIUMPH That was a close one, no? LIAM Yes. What's going on here? TRIUMPH It's the P.E.N.I.S., Liam. They're addictive and the world has been hooked on them. Now that cow bitch Senestra Malevolous is using that addiction to take over the world! LIAM Why is my P.E.N.I.S. still working when everyone else's stopped? TRIUMPH Stamina? DREW The P.E.N.I.S. responds to a remote radio beam that gives it orders. My guess is that the layers and layers of lead paint and asbestos in your apartment blocked that beam. LIAM Drew? Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? DREW What are you talking about? I never helped you! LIAM You helped me in hell! DREW I had my own agenda. LIAM You saved me and the professor from Thad when the HELL-9000 computer made him wolf out! DREW I hate werewolves and it just gave me a chance to kick the shaggy cur's arse! LIAM And NOW you saved me from the mob. DREW Triumph needed a driver and he paid me. Besides... now I can do this! EXT. THE STRIP The hearse runs down twelve girl scouts. INT. THE HEARSE Drew smiles to himself as thin mints are scattered against the windshield. DREW (Grins) Gotcha! LIAM Okay, but there's just one thing I don't understand. DREW One thing? LIAM If the P.E.N.I.S. is addictive as you say it is, how come we're not affected? TRIUMPH I case you have not noticed, Liam, I am a dog. The P.E.N.I.S. is only effective on humans. Drew is dead... DREW ...and loving it! TRIUMPH ...and not affected either. You, however, Liam... ARE addicted. LIAM Addicted? I am NOT! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, I... Drew snatches the P.E.N.I.S. out of Liam's hand. LIAM GIVE ME BACK MY P.E.N.I.S. YOU SON OF A BITCH VAMPIRE BASTARD OR I'LL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE! Drew tosses it back. DREW Not addicted, huh? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, Liam! LIAM (shocked) My God, I AM addicted! DREW Don't feel bad, Liam. I once got addicted after eating a hippie at Woodstock... or was it a deadhead at a Grateful Dead concert? Well, the details are a bit fuzzy... I was pretty stoned. LIAM Where are you taking me? TRIUMPH I phoned a friend about your P.E.N.I.S. and he told me to bring you to his base camp. There, we will bring this nightmare to a close. EXT. LAS VEGAS The hearse leaves the city. EXT. UNDER THE HEARSE Wolfman is holding on to the undercarriage. WOLFMAN Everything's going the way it was supposed to go! What is Mogul and Senestra planning on doing!? INT. THE HEARSE As before. DREW FANGTASTIC Look out, everyone, it gets bumpy through here. EXT. UNDER THE HEARSE Wolfman is hitting his head against the road. WOLFMAN Ow! Ow! Ow! INT. THE HEARSE DREW FANGTASTIC Oh, and there are several large rocks in the road. EXT. UNDER THE HEARSE Rocks the size of grapefruits are smashing against Wolfman's head. WOLFMAN (Crying) Why, God!? Why!? INT. THE HEARSE DREW FANGTASTIC ...and there are a lot of porcupines in the road during this part. WOLFMAN (O.C.) Yeeeeeeeeeeeargh! DREW FANGTASTIC You hear that? TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG Hear what? DREW FANGTASTIC Nothing. LIAM Uh... Drew? Where did you get this car from? DREW Oh, I borrowed it from some guy I had for lunch. EXT. THE SKY QUASAR is flying along with Devour in one arm and his stick in the other. Ultra-Baby is flying behind him on a leash holding Luna. QUASAR When we get back to the future, you're going on a diet, Devour. DEVOUR Grrrrrrr! LUNA I love my P.E.N.I.S.! QUASAR Oh, for God's sake, I'm getting sick of hearing about that stupid thing! Why didn't yours shut down like all the rest of them? (a beat) Why... didn't yours shut down like the rest of them? Devour looks at Quasar. QUASAR Devour, the way I heard it, this Liam Smith guy had the only working P.E.N.I.S. in the world... if that's true, why is Luna's still up and running? Devour shrugs. QUASAR I don't like this. I don't like this one bit. Luna, tell me EVERYTHING that Senestra and Mogul said before they gave you that P.E.N.I.S. FADE TO: EXT. THE DESERT There is an army tent out in the middle of the wasteland as the hearse pulls up. Drew, Triumph, and Liam go inside the tent. After they are gone, Wolfman slowly crawls out from under the vehicle and lies on his back. WOLFMAN (weakly) So... many... porcupines. SEA MAN runs up to him and kneels down beside him. SEA MAN Thad, is that you? WOLFMAN No, it's the other werewolf you know. SEA MAN (Shocked) Larry!? A beat. Wolfman looks at him and slaps him. Quasar, Devour, Ultra-baby, and Luna arrive. QUASAR Hey guys, how did you get here? SEA MAN Wolfman arrived under that hearse. I hitched a ride with the past versions of Colossal Chunk, Blue Fairy, and Captain Spaz. QUASAR What's all over Wolfie's face? Sea Man yanks one off. WOLFMAN GAH! SEA MAN They appear to be porcupine quills. WHACK! Wolfman punches Sea Man in the face. QUASAR Listen, I think I may have something. Something we missed... The thing that Mogul and Senestra are here to alter. INT. THE TENT Drew Fangtastic, Triumph, Liam, Blue Fairy, Colossal Chunk, and Captain Spaz are there trying to figure out what to do. DREW Look, it's not like I care for humanity or anything, but don't you think you can study Liam's P.E.N.I.S., see how it works, and use that to your advantage? BLUE FAIRY You do have a point, child of the night. Liam, I want your P.E.N.I.S. LIAM Not THIS again! NO! Liam runs to a corner, grabs a knife, and begins to slash at the others. LIAM You want my P.E.N.I.S.? COME AND GET IT! Blue Fairy approaches Liam. BLUE FAIRY Liam, I know you're afraid. We all are, but you're going to have to trust us. Trust is a very important thing in crisis because it - NOW CHUNK! Colossal Chunk bops Liam on the head knocking Liam out like a light. CAPTAIN SPAZ G-G-Good work, Blue Fairy. BLUE FAIRY Trust my ass, this is an emergency! Blue Fairy takes Liam's P.E.N.I.S. and begins to take it apart. EXT. THE TENT Wolfman is looking a little more composed as he listens to Quasar's theory. Devour is listening also as Luna plays with her P.E.N.I.S.. Ultra-Baby is climbing on a cactus in the background. WOLFMAN (Shocked) You mean they put a BOMB in a P.E.N.I.S.? How do you figure? QUASAR (Counting on fingers) First, Mogul and Malevolous appeared in Circus, Circus just as Senestra finished the P.E.N.I.S. prototype and THEN they handed it to Luna. Why give it away? Then, Rich E. Mogul mentioned something about "Boom!" If that doesn't spell "bomb" I don't know what would. The way I figure, they gave Luna the P.E.N.I.S. that Liam was SUPPOSED to have gotten, and gave him another with a bomb. WOLFMAN But why? What could they possibly hope to accomplish? A man who hates Justice Squad and a woman who hates Liam Smith go back in time to put a bomb in a P.E.N.I.S? It makes no... SEA MAN Guys, the future Justice Squad and Liam Smith are going to be together in a few minutes... QUASAR ...with the P.E.N.I.S! WOLFMAN My... GOD! Senestra is going to blow Liam's P.E.N.I.S.! QUASAR What do we do? SEA MAN We must get Luna's P.E.N.I.S. to Liam before Liam's explodes! If we do, history will play out the way it was supposed to and no one will be the wiser. WOLFMAN So, to save the future, all we have to do is take a P.E.N.I.S. away from Luna. They look at her. WOLFMAN Any volunteers? Sea Man, Quasar, and Devour step backwards. WOLFMAN You people have no respect for fraternity, you know that? Wolfman walks over and grabs Luna's P.E.N.I.S. LUNA What do you think you're doing? WOLFMAN Sorry, Luna, but I have to have it! LUNA You're not taking it away from me! WOLFMAN Yes I will! This P.E.N.I.S. is going with me! LUNA I'll shove this thing up your ass, dog-boy! WOLFMAN I'll jam it down your throat, you crazy bitch! QUASAR Okay, guys... Innuendo overload. WOLFMAN Luna, look! Isn't that a muppet! LUNA (Looks) Oh god, WHERE!? Wolfman yanks the P.E.N.I.S. from Luna's hand. Luna does a backflip and nails Wolfman in the jaw then spins around the hits him in the crotch with her fist. Wolfman grabs her and they roll into some bushes. DEVOUR (looks up) Rowr! QUASAR (looks up) Sea Man! Hide! They leap for cover as Capeman, Ultrawoman, and Nightflyer descend from the sky and walk inside the tent. SEA MAN They're here! It could go off any minute! THONK! The P.E.N.I.S. hits Sea Man in the head. WOLFMAN (O.C.) Sea Man! Get that to... (SMACK!) Ow! Get... Get Devour to sneak that to Liam! (SMACK!) Ow! SEA MAN I can take it! QUASAR No, it'll turn you into a P.E.N.I.S. addicted zombie! Devour isn't human, so he wouldn't be affected. SEA MAN But I'm not human... and neither are you! QUASAR Yeah, but I don't want to take the chance of getting turned on by something called a P.E.N.I.S. SEA MAN Good point. Go Devour! Go! Devour picks up the P.E.N.I.S. in his mouth and runs for the tent. INT. THE TENT Capeman, Nightflyer, Ultrawoman, Colossal Chunk, Drew Fangtastic, Triumph, Captain Spaz, and Liam are they. Blue Fairy takes Nightflyer's D.O.N.G. gun. NIGHTFLYER Blue Fairy! You don't just grab a man's D.O.N.G. like that! BLUE FAIRY I'll be careful with it. How does it work? NIGHTFLYER It's simple. It triggers a response in the hypothalamus that causes the brain's apathy centers to activate. An idea. BLUE FAIRY It works just like a P.E.N.I.S., but triggers a different response! APATHY! It makes people tired of the P.E.N.I.S. just like they get tired of any old fad! Fellahs, we're still in the game! Devour sneaks in the back and dives under a table. CAPTAIN SPAZ H-How so? BLUE FAIRY All we have to do is figure out a way to transmit the D.O.N.G. signal over a limited range and not hit the entire planet at once. ULTRAWOMAN How do we do that? Devour reaches up from under the table to grab the bomb P.E.N.I.S., but Blue Fairy picks it up first. BLUE FAIRY With THIS! Each one of these little babies carries a small transmitter in them. If we transmit the D.O.N.G. to those transmitters, we can reactivate them and transmit the apathy signal! Apathy will blanket the globe transmitted from P.E.N.I.S. to P.E.N.I.S.! He puts the P.E.N.I.S. back on the table. Devour looks up at it and starts to reach again. ULTRAWOMAN You're suggesting we use the P.E.N.I.S. against itself? Blue Fairy, that's brilliant DREW It's sick. Why don't you people ever check your anagrams first!? Captain Spaz is looking out the window. CAPTAIN SPAZ Guys? We have a little problem here! All of the heroes, Triumph, and Drew race to the window and look out. Devour ducks back under the table to avoid detection. EXT. THE TENT Wolfman is trying to fight off Luna, but isn't trying to hurt her. QUASAR Uh, Thad? WOLFMAN Little busy, Max! ARGH! Luna kicks Wolfman in the balls and then knocks him down the slope. LUNA WHO ELSE WANTS A PIECE OF ME!? Ultra-Baby floats down in front of Luna's face. LUNA Why, hello Zalika. You got something for your Auntie Luna? WHACK! Ultra-Baby punches Luna in the chin. Luna flies backwards down the hill. Wolfman catches her. WOLFMAN Zalika! I had her right where I... QUASAR DUDE! Quasar points out towards the desert. Wolfman looks and his jaw drops. EXT. THE DESERT Outside the tent, the entire population of Las Vegas is marching towards the hero's stronghold. At the front, in her hummer is SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS with a bullhorn. SENESTRA MY LOYAL SUBJECTS! KILL THE... Uh... what the hell is this group of super-loosers called? She raises her bullhorn. SENESTRA HEY! WHAT IS YOUR SUPERHERO GROUP CALLED? CAPTAIN SPAZ (off camera, yelling) What? What do you mean? It's just us! SENESTRA WHAT DID YOU SAY? CAPTAIN SPAZ I said it's just us! You know, a squad of superheroes. SENESTRA I SEE. (beat, then to mob) KILL THE JUSTICE SQUAD OF SUPERHEROES!!! INT. THE TENT Capeman, Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Drew Fangtastic, Captain Spaz, and Triumph are looking out the window. Devour looks up at them and sticks his paw out to grab the P.E.N.I.S. CAPEMAN You know, that IS kind of catchy. Devour is feeling around for the P.E.N.I.S, but he can't find it. It's missing. He snaps his claws and ducks back under the table. BLUE FAIRY We're running out of time! We have to hook the D.O.N.G. to the P.E.N.I.S. and... He looks at the table. The P.E.N.I.S. is gone. BLUE FAIRY What the...!? WHO TOOK MY P.E.N.I.S.? EXT. THE DESERT Liam is clutching his P.E.N.I.S. to his chest and running as fast as he can. LIAM They're not taking my P.E.N.I.S.! NOT AGAIN!!! Liam trips and lands at the foot of two giant sized red clown shoes. Liam slowly looks up to the snarling face of BIPPO THE CLOWN. THAD and PROFESSOR ARTURO are behind him. BIPPO HAH! You all said I was insane for wanting to look for Liam in the middle of the desert! Well, who's laughing now!? Bippo laughs hysterically and revs a chainsaw. EXT. THE TENT The crowd of people start to attack the tent. Wolfman, Quasar, and Sea Man tries to fight them off. Ultra-Baby takes off into the night sky. WOLFMAN You guys hold them off! I'm going to see what's going on with Liam! Wolfman runs off. QUASAR Sure, no problem! EXT. THE TENT Wolfman rounds the corner and trips over Devour. He scrambles to his feet. WOLFMAN Devour! Did you make the switch!? DEVOUR (Shakes head) Meow r'ow roar! WOLFMAN Crapola! Come on and bring the P.E.N.I.S.! If we don't make the switch now, we're screwed! WHAM! Wolfman is suddenly tackled by DREW FANGTASTIC! DREW FANGTASTIC Well, well, well, if it isn't the mystery werewolf from earlier today! I should have known you had a hand in this! WOLFMAN Go Devour! Devour runs into the night after Liam. EXT. THE DESERT Bippo, Thad, and Arturo have Liam cornered. THAD Liam, give us the P.E.N.I.S. and we'll let you live. You'll have a pretty bad limp, but you'll live. LIAM NEVER! ARTURO Well, I do apologize my boy... But we are going to have to kill you now. BIPPO Sorry, Liam... Nothing personal. Bippo is about to lop Liam's head off when fairy dust settles on the chainsaw turning it into a bouquet flowers. BIPPO What the FUCK!? Blue Fairy gently flutters down and kicks Bippo in the head sending him flying backwards several yards. Arturo goes for a gun in his jacket, but his arm is caught by CAPTAIN SPAZ. CAPTAIN SPAZ N-N-Not today, Professor! Captain Spaz reaches down and touches the professor's leg. Arturo goes down in pain holding his leg. ARTURO OW! OW! CHARLIE HORSE! CHARLIE HORSE! EXT. THE TENT Wolfman and Drew Fangtastic are facing off. WOLFMAN I don't have TIME for this, Drew! DREW FANGTASTIC Everyone has time to die! WOLFMAN Not me and not today! Wolfman hits Drew in the face. Drew flies backwards into a dead tree. Wolfman grabs a broken branch off the tree and holds it to Drew's chest. DREW FANGTASTIC (Pissed) Well, You're obviously better and more powerful than I am! Go ahead and steak me! What are you waiting for!? WOLFMAN (Smiles) Just wanted to hear you say it is all! Wolfman takes a tape recorder and presses the stop button. He then grabs Drew and throws him into the air. Drew goes flying into the night sky. EXT. THE DESERT Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz just beat up Arturo and Bippo. BLUE FAIRY That's your power? The ability to give people muscle cramps? CAPTAIN SPAZ They don't c-c-call me "Captain Spaz" for nothing! Hey, where'd the other guy go? They hear a growl, turn around, and see the EVIL WEREWOLF THAD behind him. BLUE FAIRY He's a werewolf. CAPTAIN SPAZ Well, that just sucks. We should have been notified! The werewolf leaps. Drew Fangtastic falls out of the sky on top of him. The two roll off each other and take defensive stances. DREW Ah, werewolf verses vampire round two! Care for a rematch, Snoopy? WEREWOLF Ring it Ron, Ritch! Drew and the werewolf go at it. Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz scoop Liam up and race back to the tent. Devour sees them heading back the other way, rolls his eyes, and follows them. Blue Fairy and Captain Spaz are almost to the tent when Devour hits Captain Spaz' hand with his head, causing it to hit Blue Fairy in the back of the leg. BLUE FAIRY (Cramping up) Owie! Owie! Cramp! Cramp! CRAMP! Blue Fairy falls to the ground. Liam rolls to the ground as well. BLUE FAIRY Watch what your doing with those retarded magic hands of yours! CAPTAIN SPAZ S-Sorry! Liam has dropped his P.E.N.I.S., but sees it on the ground and starts crawling for it. LIAM There it is, my P.E.N.I.S., my love... my precious! WHAM! A massive green paw steps on the P.E.N.I.S., preventing Liam from picking it up. Liam looks up to see the snarling form of DEVOUR looking down on him. LIAM Eep! Devour drops Luna's P.E.N.I.S. from his mouth and scoots it towards Liam with his other paw. Liam picks it up and looks at Devour in confusion. Devour raises an eyebrow, puts a finger to his mouth and says... DEVOUR Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Liam nods. Devour grabs the bomb P.E.N.I.S. and takes off. BLUE FAIRY Liam, there you are! Come one! Blue Fairy picks up Liam and goes into the tent. LIAM Buh... Uh... It was uh... tiger. EXT. THE TENT Senestra's army has surrounded the tent and it tearing it down. Quasar and Sea Man are still fighting. QUASAR I don't know how much longer we can keep this up! Wolfman joins them. WOLFMAN How are we doing? SEA MAN Not well. There are so many innocent civilians here that we cannot risk letting loose with all our powers! QUASAR Not to mention it'll change history if we do! EXT. THE DESERT Farther away from the commotion, RICH E. MOGUL and SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS are sitting at a table with a bottle of champagne watching the fight. RICH E. MOGUL In just one minute, my dear, our bomb will vaporize everything within a hundred feet radius... even that nigh-invulnerable fool, Capeman! They laugh. FUTURE SENESTRA Yes, we do appear to make a great team, don't we Rich? RICH E. MOGUL Indeed we do. What do you say we make it more permanent? FUTURE SENESTRA What do you mean? RICH E. MOGUL With my power and your mind, there's nothing on Earth that could stop us! Join me, Senestra... Join me and, together, we will rule the world! FUTURE SENESTRA (A smile) How... delicious! EXT. THE TENT Wolfman, Quasar, and Sea Man are still fighting. They're looking pretty beat up. Suddenly, Devour shows up with the P.E.N.I.S. DEVOUR Wuff! WOLFMAN Devour! He's got the bomb! We're safe! QUASAR Safe? Are you nuts? We've got to get that thing out of here or we're all going to die! It's going to go off any minute now! EXT. THE DESERT Rich and Senestra have their champagne glasses ready to toast. Mogul takes out a pocket watch. RICH E. MOGUL Twenty-five... Twenty-four... Twenty-three... EXT. THE TENT Wolfman reaches down to take the P.E.N.I.S. when he is tackled by LUNA. Mogul's countdown continues through the following. LUNA KILL THE JUSTICE SQUAD! KILL THEM! I LOVE THE P.E.N.I.S! She punches him in the nose over and over again. WOLFMAN Nyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyew! Quasar goes to grab it, but Luna catches him in the back of the head with a kick. The P.E.N.I.S. goes flying into the air. Luna goes to catch it, but it's snatched away by ULTRA BABY! LUNA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Ultra-Baby takes off into the sky. WOLFMAN Quasar, go get her! Quasar takes off after Ultra-Baby. RICH E. MOGUL (V.O.) Fifteen... Fourteen... Thirteen... EXT. THE SKY QUASAR zips through the sky after Ultrababy. He finally reaches her high in the sky. QUASAR Zalika! Give your uncle Quasar the P.E.N.I.S.! Ultra-Baby shakes her head and holds on to it. QUASAR Zy, lookie what I've got! Quasar takes out a pacifier. Ultra-Baby's face lights up. QUASAR Come one, I'll trade you! Ultrababy coos happily, tosses the P.E.N.I.S. over her shoulder, and rushes into Quasar's arms. Quasar sees the P.E.N.I.S. falling towards the Earth, grabs Ultra-Baby, and flies away as fast as he can. RICH E. MOGUL (V.O.) Seven... Six... Five... EXT. A TRAILER The trailer is sitting out in the middle of the desert. The front door opens and ADOLF HITLER walks out. RICH E. MOGUL (V.O.) Four... ADOLF HITLER (Breaths in deeply) Ah, another day and still no one is looking for me. I think I'll start rebuilding the Nazi party today and take over this stinking country! RICH E. MOGUL (V.O.) Three... The P.E.N.I.S. falls into his hand. ADOLF HITLER What the...? (a beat) Hey, this feels pretty good! RICH E. MOGUL (V.O.) Two... One... EXT. THE DESERT - WIDE SHOT WHA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! There is a huge explosion that vaporizes everything in a hundred foot radius. EXT. THE SKY Quasar and Ultra-Baby are thrown backwards. EXT. THE DESERT Senestra and Rich E. Mogul see the explosion in the distance as the commotion around the tent continues. Senestra looks at Rich. Rich looks at Senestra. RICH E. MOGUL That can't be right. INT. THE TENT The walls are ripping and people are chanting "Kill the Justice Squad" over and over again. Capeman, Ultrawoman, Collosal Chunk, Nightflyer, and Triumph are standing back to back in the middle of the room. A large portion of the crowd is thrown back by the Blue Fairy's wand and he, Captain Spaz, and Liam enter what's left of the tent. BLUE FAIRY WE FOUND HIM! NIGHTFLYER QUICK! Hook up the D.O.N.G.! Colossal Chunk rips the P.E.N.I.S. out of Liam's hands. Liam goes ballistic. LIAM THAT'S MINE, DAMMIT! MINE! EXT. THE TENT Sea Man, Devour, and Wolfman are mobbed by the crowd and getting their asses kicked. Luna is still punching Wolfman in the face. LUNA KILL THE JUSTICE SQUAD! KILL THE JUSTIC SQUAD! INT. THE TENT While Liam is beating on the unmovable Colossal Chunk, Nightflyer hooks the P.E.N.I.S. and D.O.N.G. together. NIGHTFLYER ACTIVATING! Nightflyer activates the D.O.N.G. Just as the mob breaks into the tent. Suddenly, the crowd stops. LIAM It's mine... It's mine... It's... Liam manages to grab the P.E.N.I.S.. He stops. LIAM Wait a minute, I just figured something out... The P.E.N.I.S. is stupid! There is a long silence. The people in the mob look confused. Sea Man gets to his feet and looks around. He clears his throat. SEA MAN (Yells) Hey, that's guy's right! The crowd mumbles in agreement. ANOTHER GUY I wanna go home. SOME WOMAN FROM CROWD Let's go see a movie, John. The crowd begins to disperse. Luna snaps out of her trance and helps Wolfman to his feet. Wolfman turns back into Future-Thad. LUNA Wolfman! I'm sorry, Thad! I don't know what came over me! FUTURE-THAD (Sniffs) S'okay. The crowd disperses and begins walking back to the city. The Senestra sitting in the jeep can't believe it. SENESTRA N-No! I command you! I control you! I- DORIS Put a sock in it sister! SENESTRA SHIT! Well, back to the drawing room. (to Rock and Tank) Come boys, I have Siegfried and Roy locked up in my bedroom closet and I think they would both like to come out. Senestra steps on the gas and drives away. Sea Man, Luna, Wolfman, and Devour are watching the crowds walk away. Quasar and Ultra-Baby land next to them. QUASAR Did we win? FUTURE-THAD Holy crap, I think we did! LUNA We won't have complete victory until Rich E. Mogul and Senestra Malevolous pay for their crime. SEA MAN But how can we find them? Thad sniffs the air. FUTURE-THAD They're about three hundred feet up that hill. LUNA How the hell did you know that? FUTURE-THAD Rich E. Mogul... he smells like Armani and money. QUASAR Well, let's get them! Triumph the Insult Comic Dog walks by. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG Yes, and good luck with that. LUNA MUPPET!!! Luna goes catatonic and faints. Wolfman slaps her back to consciousness. WOLFMAN (Smiles) How many times a day can I DO this? They start off after them, but Nightflyer, Blue Fairy, and Ultrawoman run out of the tent. ULTRAWOMAN Not so fast. We saw you fighting off the mob... Who the hell are you? SEA MAN We still can't tell you. All we can say is that everything is all right now. LUNA We've got some bad people to catch! SEA MAN Right, be well Justice Squad! WOLFMAN Yeah, catch you in a few years. They take off after Mogul and Senestra. BLUE FAIRY (To Ultrawoman) Imagine that. Those could very well be the heroes of tomorrow or something. NIGHTFLYER Or something... I don't know about you guys, but I am going to keep my eyes open for those jokers in the future. VOICE (O.C.) Excuse me. They look off camera and there is a flash of light. Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and Nightflyer get blank expressions on their faces as the camera pans over to reveal... AGENT KAY There was no people from the future, there is no such thing as time travel. You will continue to fight evil and never remember anything about the people from the future. Justice Squad snaps out of it. ULTRAWOMAN Hey, aren't you guys Men in Black? AGENT JAY Aw, shit. They flash the Justice Squad again. AGENT JAY There are no such thing as Men in Black, got it? Justice Squad snaps out of it. BLUE FAIRY Hey, who are you guys? AGENT JAY We're Men in Black. Agent Kay slaps Jay upside the head. AGENT JAY Ow! Hey, man! At least they don't remember anything about the people from the future? ULTRAWOMAN We were visited by people from the future? AGENT KAY Damn, this is going to be a long night. CUT TO: EXT. THE DESERT Senestra and Mogul are standing. Senestra has kicked over the table they were having champagne at. SENESTRA (Crying) It's not fair, I tell you! It's just not fair! RICH E. MOGUL No it's not, but it is better to run and live another day, don't you think? SENESTRA (Sniffs) What do you mean? Rich E. Mogul points. Senestra sees Wolfman, Quasar, Sea Man, Luna, Ultra-Baby, and Devour coming towards them. SENESTRA Oh... THAT'S what you mean! Rich E. Mogul takes out a small hand-held devise out of his jacket. SENESTRA Rich, get us out of here! RICH E. MOGUL I don't have time to program a time period to jump to! SENESTRA Forget that! Just get us out of here! Rich E. Mogul activates his time machine creating a vortex. He and Senestra jump inside. LUNA They're getting away! SEA MAN And taking our last shot at getting home with him! After them! They all leap into the time vortex right before it snaps shut! INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM The vortex opens and Rich E. Mogul and Senestra tumble out. They run for it as Wolfman, Sea Man, Quasar, Luna, Ultra Baby, and Devour tumble out as well. WOLFMAN There they go! They run out after them. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT CHEVY, a car, is sitting on Liam's couch with one of Liam's shirts stretched around it. Senestra and Mogul run through not even noticing. Luna, Sea Man, Quasar, Devour, and Wolfman run through. WOLFMAN Hey, Liam! Don't mind us! CHEVY Thank you for dropping by to see me... Liam Smith and not a car who has disposed of him to take over his life! They go out the front door and see another swirling vortex. LUNA Come on! Don't let them get away! They leap inside. INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LOBBY The gang leaps out of the vortex and runs right over MISTER HILTER and HARRY THE HANDYMAN. WOLFMAN MR. HITLER! MISTER HILTER HILL-TER!!! HARRY THE HANDYMAN You guys should be more careful! WOLFMAN Sorry. You see a couple of people run through here? MISTER HILTER A dick in an armani and a bitch in leather? WOLFMAN Yeah. MISTER HILTER They went that way. WOLFMAN Thanks! They run off. MISTER HILTER Who the hell was that? HARRY THE HANDYMAN I don't know, and may a mad computer strike me down if I know otherwise. LIAM SMITH enters. LIAM Excuse me, I understand you're leasing an apartment? EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Senestra and Mogul are running hand in hand when Rich E. Mogul trips over a hamster cage and some luggage sitting on the sidewalk. The hamster inside gives her the finger. SENESTRA Are you all right? RICH E. MOGUL Yes, I'm fine... I just need to find the... He picks up the time remote. It's been damaged and sparks a bit. SENESTRA Will it still work? RICH E. MOGUL I sure hope to hell it does! Mogul creates a time vortex and he and Senestra jump inside. Wolfman, Quasar, Devour, Sea Man, and Luna burst out of the building and jump in after them. FLASH! INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Bippo, Liam, Stacy, Arturo, and Thad are there. Bippo shoves a brownie into Liam's mouth. LIAM GAH! I'VE BEEN POISONED, I'VE BEEN... (a pause) Hey, this is good. BIPPO Thanks, I got it from a recipe from the Naked Chef. (mumbled) Now THAT was a let-down. The doorbell rings. LIAM Oh, it's a party! Liam answers the door. Future-Thad is standing there in a brown delivery man's outfit. LIAM Oh, you must be the Federal Express guy. FUTURE-THAD Actually, Federal Express recently merged with UPS. I'm with the new company, FED UP. I have a package for Kevin Riley? LIAM Yeah, he told me to get it. FUTURE-THAD Sign here, please. Liam signs FUTURE-THAD And here. Liam signs FUTURE-THAD And here. Liam signs. FUTURE-THAD And here. And here. And here. Liam signs. FUTURE-THAD And here in triplicate. Liam signs. FUTURE-THAD And here. And here. And here. And here. And here... Liam signs. The Delivery Man is silent for a long long time. FUTURE-THAD And here. Future-Thad rolls a GIGANTIC PACKAGE into the room. The package bursts open to reveal SENESTRA and RICH E. MOGUL. SENESTRA What's going on!? RICH E. MOGUL The time remote is malfunctioning! It's putting us in, well... let's call them incidental roles from the past! SENESTRA Is Justice Squad still after us? Future-Thad wolfs out into WOLFMAN! WOLFMAN You'd better believe it! RICH E. MOGUL Gah! Run, my dear! They run towards the bedroom. Wolfman gives chace as Liam, Bippo, Thad, Stacy, and Arturo watch. LIAM (Shrugs) Still better service than US mail. FLASH! EXT. AN ALLEY LUNA is walking along dressed as a prostitute. A car pulls up next to her. INT. THE CAR We see the DRIVER's POV as Luna leans in through the window. LUNA Hi, honey... lookin' for a good time? The camera POV nods up and down. LUNA Ah, the strong silent harry type, huh. That's cool. You got someplace we can go? The camera POV nods up and down. LUNA Two hundred bucks. Cash, check, Mastercard, Visa, Discover... The driver gloved hand gives Wanda a credit card. Wanda looks at the card and scoffs at it. LUNA (throwing the card back) You gotta be kidding me. Look, mister, I'll let you do me, but I won't do American Express. The sound of growling and deep breathing can be heard. LUNA Hey, mister.... you okay? You're starting to drool and... MY what big teeth you have! There is a roar. EXT. THE ALLEY Luna is dragged into the car. After a second, we hear a punch and a yelp. LUNA THAD, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! What do you think you're doing! PUNCH! PUNCH! LUNA Don't you EVER... EVER touch me there again! Luna continues to punch at the assailant in the car. WOLFMAN walks up next to her still wearing the delivery man's uniform. A dozen Japanese tourists walk by and take pictures of Luna beating up the person in the car. WOLFMAN Luna, what are you doing? LUNA Come back later, I'm kicking Thad's ass. She starts hitting the furry assailant again. She stops and looks at Wolfman. LUNA (To Wolfman) Ah... BUH!? Then who...? Wolfman looks. WOLFMAN Looks like you just beat the shit out of evil-werewolf me from when I was eating hookers. LUNA What the HELL is going on here? WOLFMAN I don't know... I was a delivery man a second ago and it all seemed perfectly natural. Something's screwed up with Mogul's time machine or something. Luna look up and notices Mogul and Senestra in a mob of Japanese tourists. LUNA Speaking of which... THERE THEY ARE! SENESTRA (Sees them coming) Rich! RICH E. MOGUL (Activates devise) Got it! FLASH! INT. A GIGANTIC CONCERT *69 - a boy band consisting of Liam, Thad, Bippo, Jesse, and Jonathan - is on stage as ROBO-BRITNEY stomps towards them. The Britney's eyes start to glow red and her arms turn into massive guns. ROBO-BRITNEY DIE!!!! Britney starts firing Liam and the gang dive behind the amplifiers. LIAM (To Jesse and Jonathan) NOW do you think you should change? JESSE I'd say now's a good time! JONATHAN Very astute of you! Jesse taps his ring and his costume appears over him turning him into the Cosmic Weasel. Jonathan calls for the mighty word. JONATHAN NIPPLAGE! Lightning crashes and Dr. Wham leaps forward. THE AUDIENCE Luna is cheering and jumping up and down still wearing the prostitute get up. LUNA (Yells) Now THIS is a FUCKING stage show! Sea Man runs into her. SEA MAN Luna! Don't let them hear you! You don't want to be seen! LUNA But look at my baby up there on stage! ON STAGE COSMIC WEASEL Go on! Do your worst! Hit me baby one more time!!! Robo-Britney punches the Cosmic Weasel repeatedly in the face. COSMIC WEASEL OW! Wait! Never mind! THE AUDIENCE Luna sighs and smiles. LUNA Aw... Just like when we first met. SEA MAN points. SEA MAN There! It's Mogul and Senestra! LUNA There's two many people! We'll never get there in time! ON STAGE Thad stands up... only it's not Thad, it's QUASAR in a boy band get up. He sees Senestra and Mogul run for it so he leaps off the stage and into the audience. BACKSTAGE DONNER Is THIS part of the show!? THE AUDIENCE Quasar is crowd surfing. QUASAR No, dammit! I have to go THAT way! Quasar starts moving in the right direction and just when it looks like he's going to grab Mogul... FLASH! INT. HELL INT. HELL - SATAN'S THRONE ROOM SATAN is sitting in his throne as KATHY HILTER is giving his a status report. Scrappy walks in during the report. KATHY Murders, genocide, and acts of general hate and intolerance are up 400 percent in the middle east. We have demons in Vancouver who are scheduled to burn down a retirement home at 5:00. Relations has sent a card to Saddam Hussien wishing him a happy birthday, oh, and the cast of Lexx wants to know if they can stay on the air another season. SATAN Granted. Kathy nods and writes the info down on her clipboard. KATHY Oooooo... How evil! LUNA chases SENESTRA through Hell with a broadsword. LUNA AYE-YI-YI-YI-YI! SENESTRA Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They exit. SATAN Who the me was that!? SCRAPPY Let me at 'em! I'll splat 'em! I'll... SATAN & KATHY Oh, shut up! FLASH! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Decoy XIV is driving down the strip in the Decoymobile. DECOY XIV At last! My chance to prove myself as Decoy, sidekick to the great CAPEMAN! A carload of carjackers pull up next to him. SENESTRA and RICH E. MOGUL hop out. SENESTRA Excuse me, would you mind so terribly surrendering your vehicle to us? DECOY XIV What!? Is this a carjack? RICH E. MOGUL Yes, it is a car but my name is not Jack, it's Rich. SENESTRA You idiot! You just said your name to him! RICH E. MOGUL Sorry, Carl Ledoux. SENESTRA ARG! Okay, enough of this! Let's just steal his car, kill him, and be back at the lodge for tea and biscuits. RICH E. MOGUL I don't like tea. SENESTRA Okay, forget the tea. RICH E. MOGUL Can we have cocoa? SENESTRA You know how you are when your on sugar. RICH E. MOGUL You just can't let that go, can you? SENESTRA Rich... RICH E. MOGUL One time... ONE TIME I overdosed on sugar and ended up in bed with Cousin Bob. SENESTRA Look, enough of this! Let's just steal this car, kill this costumed buffoon and have our tea! RICH E. MOGUL Coffee. SENESTRA Fine. RICH E. MOGUL Right. SENESTRA Well, let's do it then. They look only to find that Decoy XIV has driven off. RICH E. MOGUL Hey! SENESTRA He buggered off! RICH E. MOGUL Bastard! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Decoy XIV is driving down the road. DECOY XIV Boy, that was close! For a second there I thought that I might be... ARGH!!! DEVOUR leaps into the car, grabs Decoy XIV by the neck and kills him. The tiger then drags the body to a grassy area and buries it. Luna and Wolfman enters. LUNA Devour! Bad kitty! FLASH! INT. A DARK AND SINISTER UNDERGROUND LAIR The mysterious TRIBUNAL OF EVIL is conferring around an altar hatching a nefarious scheme... TRIBUNAL 1 Our world domination plans are near completion! TRIBUNAL 2 The time is coming near! TRIBUNAL 3 The blood will flow through the streets! TRIBUNAL 4 The cries will rain through the air! TRIBUNAL 5 The donuts will have extra sprinkles! Everyone stares at Tribunal 5. TRIBUNAL 1 We shall need a sacrifice! TRIBUNAL 2 We shall need a patsy! TRIBUNAL 3 But who will it be? TRIBUNAL 4 Someone unsuspecting... hapless... TRIBUNAL 5 Completely oblivious to reality... TRIBUNAL 1 Did someone loose a baby? Tribunal 1 holds up Ultra-Baby. TRIBUNAL 2 Aw, isn't she cute? TRIBUNAL 3 Yeah, like a little doll. TRIBUNAL 4 So innocent... So sweet. TRIBUNAL 5 She will make the perfect sacrifice!!! Ultra-Baby grabs Tribunal 5 and starts beating the other members of the Tribunal with him. TRIBUNAL 1 Ow! TRIBUNAL 2 Gah! TRIBUNAL 3 Ouch! TRIBUNAL 4 Mamma! TRIBUNAL 5 EVIL BABY, EVIL BABY!!! FLASH! INT. MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT Senestra and Mogul run through the apartment as Devour follows. They pass a bird cage where SOCRATES sits. SOCRATES Hey, you bastard tiger! Eat me! I hate Mr. Hilter! RAWK!!! Devour pauses, looks at the cage, and grins evilly. FLASH! EXT. THE MGM GRAND QUASAR is chasing Senestra and Mogul. Suddenly, a figure leaps off the balcony and kicks Quasar in the face. Quasar looks up and sees... QUASAR JENNIFER TILLY!!! JENNIFER TILLY You little worm! You think you can get away with singing outside MY room!? Well, take THIS!!! Jennifer Tilly kicks him in the face several more times. JENNIFER TILLY (grabs him by the neck) TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY! QUASAR What? JENNIFER TILLY (smacks him) TELL ME YOU LOVED BRIDE OF CHUCKY! QUASAR I can't! Jennifer Tilly slaps him some more until he begins to cry. QUASAR ALL RIGHT!! ALL RIGHT!! I LOVED THAT CRAPPY TWO-BIT HORROR MOVIE! JENNIFER TILLY TELL ME I SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR FOR BULLETS OVER BROADWAY! QUASAR Well, I've never seen it, so how can I offer an objective opinion on... Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. QUASAR YOU SHOULD HAVE WON THE OSCAR! Jennifer Tilly breaths in heavily and gets in his face. JENNIFER TILLY Do you find me... SEXY!? QUASAR Y-Yes! Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. JENNIFER TILLY NO STAMMERING! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER FAST ENOUGH! DO YOU FIND ME SEXY! QUASAR Yes! Yes! Jennifer Tilly smacks him again. JENNIFER TILLY YOU WILL SAY, YES JENNIFER TILLY MA'AM! QUASAR YES, JENNIFER TILLY MA'AM! Jennifer Tilly grabs Quasar, throws him over her shoulder, and drags him into the hotel. QUASAR Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! CUT TO: INT. THE HOTEL ROOM Quasar and Jennifer Tilly are in bed together. QUASAR So far, I have to say, this mission rocks. FLASH! EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Liam takes Fluffy and gets into a beautiful red 2001 Ford Mustang convertible. LIAM You know, Fluffy, I'm a little disappointed. I mean, as evil and as crafty as you are... I would have expected a little something more out of you. Sea Man rises up out of the backseat as Liam turns the ignition. SEA MAN Hey, this is a nice... BLAM! The car explodes! FLASH! EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP Mogul and Senestra look a little confused. Finally, Mogul looks at his time remote. RICH E. MOGUL I think it's working properly now. SENESTRA Good! I was getting tired of the Forest Gump act! RICH E. MOGUL And... it looks like we've lost Justice Squad. LUNA (O.C.) Think again! They look. Luna (in a prostitute's outfit), Thad (in a delivery man's outfit), Sea Man (blown up), Quasar (in a boy band member's outfit and a limp), Devour (with feathers in his mouth), and Ultra-Baby stand a few feet away from them. SEA MAN Give it up, evil doers. You've reached the end of the road! RICH E. MOGUL I think not! One more time jump and my dear Senestra and I will leave you far... far... far behi-- The ground underneath them starts to shake. The Justice Squad heroes scramble for footing. QUASAR What's going on? WOLFMAN It's the Great Las Vegas Earthquake of 2000! Debris and stuff falls from the sky and crashes around Senestra and Mogul. One piece hits the time remote and destroys it. SENESTRA How are we getting out of this one!? RICH E. MOGUL Sometimes the only way to escape is to shrug off dignity! (drops to knees) Justice Squad! SAVE US!!! LUNA We should let them die, you know. WOLFMAN (Sighs) I know, but you know we can't. LUNA (Sighs) I know. Quasar starts blasting large chunks of buildings that are about to crush them. Ultra-Baby flies up and bats them out of the way like a game. Luna and Devour pushes them down into a staircase just as the building around them collapses and buries them all. FADE TO: EXT. LAS VEGAS The city is a smoking ruin. EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP The camera moves in on the pile of rubble that buries our heroes. There is movement on the tip-top of the pile as ULTRA-BABY breaks free. Wolfman follows next, then Sea Man, then Luna, then Quasar, then Devour. Devour reaches into the pile and pulls out Senestra and Mogul. RICH E. MOGUL Oh, thank you Justice Squad! Those evil temporal duplicates of Senestra and I must have been killed in the collapse. LUNA What duplicates? RICH E. MOGUL Why, the evil duplicates of Senestra and I who were trying to alter the past. Poor Senestra and I were held hostage by them the whole time. SENESTRA Uh... Yeah, they were, like... Possessing us and stuff. LUNA (Grinds teeth) I will KILL YOU! WOLFMAN Don't bother. They're stuck in the past just like we are. We're never going home now. SEA MAN We could just wait four years, you know. WOLFMAN Yeah, but that's boring. No new TV... no new movies... VOICE (O.C.) Then perhaps I can give you a lift. They all look and see TEMPUS standing at the base of the pile. They slide down to meet him, Wolfman dragging Mogul and Senestra behind him. QUASAR Tempus? You're alive! TEMPUS Of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be? WOLFMAN We saw you get erased in a time tunnel! TEMPUS That never happened to me. SEA MAN I guess we prevented it from happening in the first place. LUNA But if we prevented it, does that mean Tempus never sent us back in time to begin with? QUASAR Now I see why Cos hates time travel. TEMPUS Well then, I see no reason to prolong this little trek. I'll take you guys home... (indicates Mogul and Senestra) ...especially these two who will be little or no threat in your present. LUNA Thanks, Tempus. We've got an important matter to attend to in the present. TEMPUS Yes... (a beat) Yes, I know. (a beat) Well, are you all ready? WOLFMAN Tempus, before you send us back, I have a favor to ask you. Tempus listens. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT It's dark and empty. There is a bright flash of light as THAD and Tempus appear. TEMPUS I don't understand what you would want here, Thad. THAD You remember that these apartments are going to blow up in about ten minutes, right? Thad walks over to the wall where there are several pictures. THAD This was the first place I ever felt like I truly fit in. Harry, Gary, Professor Arturo, Mr. Hitler... TEMPUS Hilter. THAD Whatever... Stacy, Doris, Triumph, Kevin, Chocolate Treat.... Hell, even Drew Fangtastic. They were more than just friends to me. They were a weird and wacky family too. The first real one I had. TEMPUS Thad, if you're thinking about altering the past... THAD No, no, no... I didn't come to alter the past. It's just that every memento I had of this place was blown up and I don't think Liam would mind... He takes a picture off the wall. It's a group shot of the Upda Creek gang with Mr. Hilter. THAD ...if I took... He takes another picture... A group shot of the Upda Creek gang with professor Arturo. THAD ...a few of his for safe keeping. He takes down another couple of pictures. One of Liam's family, one of Thad, Bippo, and Liam, and an autographed picture of Kari Wuhrer. Thad stands there a minute and smiles. THAD Don't tell me you don't miss it, Tempus. TEMPUS Trapped in an archaic century for 18 months and exposed to the least evolved people I've ever met? I hated it here. A beat. TEMPUS But yes... in some ways I do. Thad smiles again. THAD I'm ready now. TEMPUS Good, because after I take you all back, I have some cleaning up to do. You're little jaunt through the timestream really cocked some things up. Thad takes another look around the apartment. THAD All right, let's go. Tempus activates his suit and the two of them disappear leaving the apartment dark and empty again. FADE TO: INT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE SUBTITLE: THE PRESENT Rich E. Mogul is sitting as Senestra Malevolous paces back and forth. RICH E. MOGUL Look on the bright side... since the courts don't believe time travel exists, there's no way they could prosecute. SENESTRA It's not that! It's just another defeat handed down to my by imbeciles! I need something to get my mind off things... ROCK! TANK! ROCK and TANK enter. ROCK D'ah! Yes, Miss Malevolous? SENESTRA It's good to see you both again. TANK You mean we're not invisible no more? ROCK Awwwwww... SENESTRA Bring me... THE BOX! ROCK & TANK GASP! The box! They back out of the room in terror. RICH E. MOGUL What's in the box? SENESTRA You're better off not knowing. RICH E. MOGUL You... ffffffascinate me. SENESTRA And you excite me more than any other man has... that includes my old boyfriend. RICH E. MOGUL I want you, Senestra! SENESTRA I want you! They embrace and kiss, falling behind the desk. Senestra's hand reaches up and hits the intercom. SENESTRA (O.C.) Rock! Tank! Cancel the box. I'm busy! The hand disappears behind the desk. RICH E. MOGUL (O.C.) Out of curiosity... WHO was your last boyfriend? SENESTRA (O.C.) That's something else you're better off not knowing. FADE TO: EXT. SPACE The Starship USS VOYAGER flies by the camera headed towards deep space. INT. THE MESS HALL Thad, Luna, Quasar, Sea Man, and Devour sit at a table drinking various drinks watching the stars go by the window. SEA MAN Isn't it weird that neither Ultrawoman, Capeman, Blue Fairy, nor Nightflyer remember us being in that time period? THAD Tempus did say he was going to clean things up in the time stream. Maybe that's just what he did. LUNA Did that weird stuff happen to you guys on a daily basis there? THAD Pretty much. We fought giant Spice Girls, demon possessed Cuban boat kids, zombies, and even Quasar. QUASAR Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. LUNA How did you stand it? THAD One day at a time... with a lot of help from some dear friends. LUNA No, I mean... Siegfried and Roy. How did you stand them? QUASAR Well, if you don't mind... I'm going to turn in. We're supposed to be arriving at Jennifer Hanson Prime tomorrow morning and I need my beauty sleep. SEA MAN So do I. LUNA Yeah, good luck with that. WOLFMAN You going to bed, Luna? LUNA No, I think I'll stay up a little while longer. WOLFMAN All right, well... Good night. LUNA Good night. Sea Man, Quasar, Devour, and Wolfman walk out the door. Luna sits there for a moment and, when she's sure everyone is gone, she reaches into her jacket and pulls out a P.E.N.I.S. She holds it for a second, then shakes it. LUNA Work, damn you! Work! Nothing. LUNA Oh well... I had to try. Luna walks over to a wall and throws the P.E.N.I.S. into a waste disposer. EXT. SPACE Voyager warps off into the distance as the P.E.N.I.S. tumbles by the camera and into space. THE END The music swells and the credits start to roll, when suddenly... CUT TO: INT. A MOVIE THEATER We see ROGER EBERT and HARRY KNOWLES sitting in front of the screen. ROGER Well, I don't know about you Harry, but I found this movie to be very funny. I think the humor was excellently paced and aimed at both the highbrow and witty crowds just as much as the potty humor. I think there's something for everyone in this film. HARRY I couldn't disagree with you more, Roger. I thought this movie sucked fucking balls! I was just talking to my good friend John Carpenter about this and I told him what I'm going to tell you. There was too many cast members crammed into one movie; the P.E.N.I.S. gags ran out of juice quicker than the Sea Man jokes did; the baby had no place in this story and I don't even want to get started on Luna's inconsistencies! ROGER Well, that's your opini... HARRY (Interrupting Roger) Okay, here's my problem! One week, she's taking on hundreds of ninjas and the next, she's reduced to sitting around with a P.E.N.I.S. babbling like a moron... if she's not acting like a raving violent psychopath. And where were the others? Where was Justin Timberlacky? Charlemagne? The Anti Liam? Dracula? Santa Claus? Megan? The Five? Anna? Megatron? ROGER But... You just said there were too many characters. HARRY Hold on... (Dumps a box of Raisinets into his mouth) Now let me go back to how lame Luna is... Unbeknownst to Harry, LUNA walks in right behind him. Roger sees this. ROGER Harry, I really think you should calm down. Her character is just as funny as all the rest! Luna smiles at Roger, then nods towards him, allowing him to leave. Luna then pulls out a giant honkin' battle axe while Harry keeps talking. HARRY And what's with her and Thad? How long until those two hook up and make a bunch of violent wolf babies? I bet she's secretly in love with him! Luna rears back with the ax and brings it swinging down as we... FADE OUT: HARRY (Off-Screen) MY BALLS! AIEEEEE!!! The music starts up again... Cast (In order of appearance) BRISCO HOFFSTEADER................Lochlyn Munro DOCTOR PIE........................Phil Moyer DOCTOR DASSTER....................Dustin Kaster NURSE GOODBODY....................Shannon Elizabeth CHIP BEAVERMILK...................Michael Keaton CONNIE LINGUS.....................Cheri Oteri CAPEMAN...........................Bruce Campbell RICH E. MOGUL.....................Guy Pierce SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS...............Marina Sirtis ROCK..............................Billy Blanks TANK..............................Dolph Lundgren DONNER............................Jason Gaston ULTRABABY.........................Herself ULTRAWOMAN........................Famke Janssen COLOSSAL CHUNK....................Michael Clarke Duncan THAD COFFEY/WOLFMAN...............Seann William Scott SEA MAN...........................Thomas Jane LUNA..............................Alyson Hannigan QUASAR............................Seth Green DEVOUR............................Himself TEMPUS............................Gary Dourdan SIEGFRIED & ROY...................Themselves PROFESSOR ARTURO..................John Rhys-Davies KARI WUHRER.......................Herself GARY THE FANBOY...................Neil Patrick Harris BLUE FAIRY........................Harvey Fierstein NIGHTFLYER........................Damon Wayans CHARLIE O'CONNELL.................Himself OFFICER TOOTY.....................George Clooney OFFICER SUNDAY....................Danny DeVito CHIEF PIGGY.......................Louie Anderson LIAM SMITH........................Dian Bachar STACY VAVOOM......................Cameron Diaz THAD (PAST VERSION)...............Mike Nelson BIPPO THE CLOWN...................Robert Floyd BOBBY DEHUTT......................William Shatner CHOCOLATE TREAT...................RuPaul MISS CLEO.........................Herself DREW FANGTASTIC...................David Hopper TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG......Robert Smigel GEORGE W. BUSH....................Himself THE PROFESSOR.....................Russell Johnson DORIS WINCHESTER..................Betty White KEVIN RILEY.......................Leon Lai ELVIS.............................John Goodman CAPTAIN SPAZ......................DJ Qualls DECOY VIII........................Lindsey Lohan ADOLF HITLER......................Rowan Atkinson AGENT KAY.........................Tommy Lee Jones AGENT JAY.........................Will Smith CHEVY.............................James Spader MISTER HILTER.....................Ed Asner HARRY THE HANDYMAN................The Stick FLUFFY THE HAMSTER................Michael Dorn ROBO-BRITNEY......................Britney Spears JESSE GLASPEY/THE COSMIC WEASEL...Jason Lee JONATHAN KRUEGER/DR. WHAM.........Jack BLack SATAN.............................David Peckinpah KATHY HILTER......................Reese Witherspoon SCRAPPY DOO.......................Scott Innes DECOY XIV.........................Justin Berfield TRIBUNAL #1.......................Dave Foley TRIBUNAL #2.......................Scott Thompson TRIBUNAL #3.......................Kevin MacDonald TRIBUNAL #4.......................Bruce McCullough TRIBUNAL #5.......................Mark McKinney JENNIFER TILLY....................Herself CREDITS THAT GO ON TOO LONG.......Priceless Written by Jason Gaston Directed by Jason Gaston Produced by Jason Gaston Cinematography by Jason Gaston Casting by Jason Gaston Editing by Jason Gaston Sound by Jason Gaston Visual Effects by Jason Gaston Set Design by Jason Gaston Makeup by Jason Gaston Catering by Jason Gaston Stunts by Jason Gaston Songs by Jason Gaston Pimping by Jason Gaston Trucking by Jason Gaston Breakdancing by Jason Gaston Sperm Donations by Jason Gaston Sermons by Jason Gaston Screw you and your mother too by Jason Gaston Muchas notas machas y especiales por Jason Gaston And just think, if you'd left when the credits started, you'd be home by now.

THE END!

EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - DAY Establishing shot. LIAM (V.O.) The Liam Smith Show is taped before a live studio audience. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT LIAM SMITH is looking around the apartment, sniffing the air every now and again as though he's looking for something that smells really bad. BIPPO THE CLOWN walks in. A studio audience begins to clap, scream, and holler. Bippo stands there for the longest time waiting for it to subside. Finally, it does. BIPPO THE CLOWN Hey, Liam. Whatcha doin'? LIAM Do you smell that? BIPPO THE CLOWN Smell what? The lotion smell coming out of your bathroom? The audience goes into a series of Oooooooooooo's and hisses. Bippo waits for it to subside again, but appears to be getting more impatient. LIAM I can't describe it. It's a funky smell that I've never smelled before. BIPPO THE CLOWN (Sniffs) Hey, I smell it too... It's something familiar... yet hated. (Sniff, Sniff) It fills me with rage... a need to hold the vibrating handle of an active chainsaw! What in God's name is that!? THAD COFFEY enters. THAD Hey, guys. There are more hoots and hollers at his entrance. Bippo looks even more annoyed as he waits for the cheering to fade. THAD (CONT'D) Is that smell coming from in here? LIAM I can't find anything that would make it. THAD Well, it smells like dead fish and crap... almost like a Red Lobster! Raucous laughter. It goes on forever and forever and forever. Finally, Bippo takes out a machine gun and fires it off camera. We hear screams, bodies thudding to the ground, and the thunderous sound of people running away. LIAM Thanks, I've been trying to get rid of that live studio audience for weeks! I mean, it was fun at first when they showed up, but it's gotten really old. THAD Maybe they were the source of that smell? Like, maybe they were left over from a taping on the Jerry Springer Show? LIAM No, that smell is still here. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THEME SONG (Sung to the theme of The Love Boat) Dumb... Brain-dead and dim too... Those are words, in describing you! You're LIAM! Addicted to porn and Kari Wuhrer. You're Liam! You ain't a Mensa and that's for sure! And now we've got this lost tale for your amusement. Of Liaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

Starring

Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith

Ed Asner
as
Mister Hilter

The Stick
as
Harry the Handyman

Mike Nelson
as
Thad Coffey

Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown

Cameron Diaz
as
Stacy VaVoom

Betty White
as
Doris Winchester

and
Neil Patrick Harris
as
Gary the Fanboy

GUEST STARRING

Will Sasso
as
Larry the Fanboy

and
Dakota Fanning
as
The Neice -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FADE IN: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT As before, Liam, Bippo, and Thad are searching for the foul odor. BIPPO THE CLOWN Dude! LIAM Which dude? Me or Thad? BIPPO THE CLOWN The cool one. THAD Yeah, Bippo? BIPPO THE CLOWN You're a werewolf. Can't we use you like a bloodhound and discover the source of the stink? LIAM Yeah, Thad... It'd really mean a lot if you could sniff out the source of this smell. THAD All right... Just as long as you guys don't do anything demeaning to me. INT. A HALLWAY Liam and Bippo are leading Thad with a leash. Bippo has a rolled up newspaper in one hand. THAD I think it's coming from this way. CHOCOLATE TREAT walks by. CHOCOLATE TREAT (To Liam, Re: the leash) So... YOU'RE the one who's been stealing my private stock! LIAM What? BIPPO THE CLOWN Er... Yeah, Liam's been doing it. CHOCOLATE TREAT (To Liam) You naughty, naughty, naughty man! (Breathy) Now I want you more than ever. My place... six o'clock. Don't be late. She walks off. THAD She's... He's... Chocolate Treat's really got it bad for you, Liam. LIAM Yeah, and I've got it bad for her... to get the hell away from me. When will she learn that I don't want to sleep with her? BIPPO THE CLOWN When you finally do. Thad stops in front of a closed door. THAD The smell is coming from here. LIAM This is old lady Winchester's place. BIPPO THE CLOWN Wow, wouldn't it be cool if she died and she was in there rotting? LIAM No, it wouldn't be cool! That's just wrong on SO many levels! THAD Actually, it's wrong on one level... it's just a really BIG lever. HARRY THE HANDYMAN and MISTER HILTER walk up. MISTER HILTER Are you boys here investigating that smell too? LIAM We sure are Mr... MISTER HILTER Don't say it. LIAM Hit... MISTER HILTER NO! LIAM ...ler. MISTER HILTER I'LL KILL YOU!!! BIPPO THE CLOWN Hasn't there been enough senseless death for one day? MISTER HILTER What do you mean? BIPPO THE CLOWN Old lady Winchester kicked the bucket in her apartment. That's what the smell is. MISTER HILTER Harry, get that door open! HARRY THE HANDYMAN Will do. Harry tries to break down the door with his foot, but only succeeds in busting a small hole in the door that his foot gets caught in. Mr. Hilter calmly walks over and opens the door with one hand by turning the knob. MISTER HILTER What have we learned today? HARRY THE HANDYMAN (Sheepishly) Check to see if the door is unlocked first. MISTER HILTER Very good. Now, let's check on Doris! They go inside. Harry tries to get his foot unstuck, but only succeeds in falling off camera. INT. DORIS' APARTMENT Everything looks normal. There is no sign of Doris. LIAM Everything looks normal. THAD But there's no sign of Doris. BIPPO THE CLOWN And no rotting corpse? Man, what a gip! MISTER HILTER But that smell is coming from this apartment, all right. About that time, a large white CAT jumps up on the couch, looks at them, and purrs. BIPPO THE CLOWN Ah cuh... A cah... It's a... a... Caaaaa... CAT! Bippo lunges for the Cat. Liam, Hilter, Thad, and Harry hold him back. BIPPO THE CLOWN (CONT'D) LET ME AT IT! IT MUST BE DESTROYED!!! DORIS WINCHESTER enters. DORIS What the HELL is going on here? What are you doing in my apartment? MISTER HILTER I've got a better question, Doris... BIPPO THE CLOWN If that's your REAL name! MISTER HILTER ...what is this CAT doing here? You know cats or any pets are against the rules! DORIS Oh, pish-tosh! I moved in before the pet ban took effect. Secondly, it's not mine... it's my niece's kitty. I'm just watching her until she gets back. She loves that cat with every fiber of her body. LIAM And, thus, the smell. DORIS That would be Friskie's litterbox. I haven't cleaned it out yet. They look. In the corner is a litterbox with a four-foot pile of poop in it. EVERYONE GAH! HARRY THE HANDYMAN How long have you had that cat here!? DORIS About three hours. THAD I'm starting to understand Bippo's hatred of cats now. MISTER HILTER This is why I'm a dog person. All right, Doris... You can keep it here, but any more pets are to come through me, capise? DORIS Blow me. MISTER HILTER Okay. Mister Hilter leaves. Harry follows him. DORIS And as for you, Bippo the Clown... You touch one hair on that cat's head, and I will make you pay... one day when we're alone together. BIPPO THE CLOWN My dear woman... no man in his right mind would want to be alone with you. Bippo clicks his heels, turns, and walks away. LIAM Don't worry, Doris, we'll keep an eye on him. THAD Maybe even two! DORIS Good. If this cat can make it until tomorrow, everything will be all right. Thunderclap. LIAM Weird weather. FADE TO: INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Thad is alone dancing in a robe to Gettin' Jiggy With It by Will Smith. He walks up to a corner of his living room where there is a large cage. LIAM and STACY enters. THAD Hey guys. LIAM Hey Thad. STACY Ready for tonight? THAD Yeah, I appreciate you guys coming over here and locking me in during the full moon... what with my werewolf patches being out on order and all. LIAM No problem. THAD Okay, then let's do this. Thad disrobes. Strategically placed props cover his shame. LIAM Dude! THAD What? LIAM You can't just do that like that! THAD Why? LIAM Because there's a lady present! The camera pans over to Stacy who struck speechless by Thad. STACY (Raises eyebrow) Wow. Liam covers her eyes with his hand. LIAM Just get in the cage. LIAM (CONT'D) (Re: The Cage) Hey, where did you get this thing, anyway? THAD Where do you think? A beat. LIAM, THAD, AND STACY Chocolate Treat. Thad is in the cage, wearing his robe again. THAD Okay, I'm ready. Liam walks over and shuts the door. LIAM We'll come by tomorrow and let you out. STACY Or sometime this week. THAD (Shrugs) I have nothing planned. Liam and Stacy exit, leaving Thad alone. THAD (CONT'D) (To himself) This won't be so bad. I haven't stretched my werewolf legs in a long time and I bet that... ORK! GAH! GEEE!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH POOPCICLES!!! Thad transforms into the werewolf. FADE TO: EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - THE NEXT DAY Establishing shot. INT. THAD'S APARTMENT Stacy and Liam enter. Thad is back in human form, lying on the floor. STACY Looks like the cage held up. LIAM Yep, good for us... Bad for wolfie mojo. STACY What do you mean? LIAM I don't know. Liam knocks on the cage. LIAM (CONT'D) Thad! Wake up! THAD (Stirs) Is it noon already? Thad sits up. Revealing the dead body of Frisky the Cat. Cat hair lines Thad's mouth. LIAM GAH! STACY GAH! THAD GAH! LIAM FRISKY! STACY Not anymore! MUSIC STING! -------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK - Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too? - I'm lovin' it! - Can you hear me now? Good! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Bippo, Thad, and Stacy are sitting around a cardboard box containing the body of Frisky the Cat. Thad is vigorously brushing his teeth. BIPPO THE CLOWN Oh, irony of ironies... A kitty croaks and I'M not the inducer of said croak. Well, I hope you've all learned a valuable lesson. STACY What I don't understand is how the heck evil werewolf Thad managed to get out of his cage. Liam, you did lock it, didn't you? LIAM Lock? Liam fishes an unused lock out of his pocket. LIAM (CONT'D) Whoops. Everyone groans. BIPPO THE CLOWN Boy, Doris is going to be pissed. That cat belongs to her beloved niece! LIAM That's right! What are we going to do? THAD I don't know! I didn't mean to eat the pussy! Everyone looks at the camera, and then goes back to the conversation. STACY Doris went to the airport to pick up her niece this morning and probably didn't even realize that the cat is missing. She'll be back in an hour. LIAM We could always find a replacement cat! THAD Are you insane? With Bippo in the area, there isn't a cat for miles. BIPPO THE CLOWN Don't look at me, I consider that a sign of the quality of my work! They slump. LIAM So what do we do? STACY We could just tell her the truth. A beat. They all start laughing their asses off. THAD Good one! STACY I was serious! LIAM Wait, why didn't I think of this before!? Mister Hilter has tons of occult books in his place, maybe we could borrow one and use a spell to bring the cat back to life! STACY I don't know, Liam... You know how Mister Hilter is always saying that magic can be dangerous in the hands of stupid people. Liam pats Stacy on the back reassuredly. LIAM Oh, Stacy... YOU'RE not stupid! STACY You're right, Liam... I'm not. INT. MISTER HILTER'S APARTMENT MISTER HILTER is sitting in an easy chair reading book. There is a knock at the door and he goes to answer it. Liam, Bippo, Thad, and Stacy are standing there. MISTER HILTER Oh, God... Now what? LIAM What do you mean, Mr. Hilter? MISTER HILTER The four of you have that "oh, crap... we've screwed up and need Mr. Hitler's help to save the day!" THAD Hilter. MISTER HILTER Whatever. BIPPO THE CLOWN Actually, we're here for a social call. How are you? MISTER HILTER I'm f-- BIPPO THE CLOWN Enough small talk. You got any occult spell books? MISTER HILTER Yes, I have them in the bookcase right... Hey, what do you need them for? LIAM We had a little accident last night. MISTER HILTER Accident? LIAM Thad ate Doris' niece's cat. MISTER HILTER Thad! Dammit, boy... You're going to be the death of me! THAD (Droops head) I know. MISTER HILTER I assume you're wanting some kind of spell to raise the cat from the dead, huh? A beat. BIPPO THE CLOWN I was going to turn Doris and her niece into toads but hey, that would work too! MISTER HILTER Well forget it. LIAM Why? MISTER HILTER Resurrection spells are not child's play. You ever hear that story about The Monkey's Paw? THAD The one with the big bad wolf and the three little pigs? MISTER HILTER No. BIPPO THE CLOWN The little engine trying to climb the hill. MISTER HILTER No! LIAM The one with the seven dwarves and that hot chick? MISTER HILTER NO! The Monkey's Paw! This family gets a monkey's paw that grants wishes... but not in the way you want them to be granted. They wish for a thousand dollars, but they only get it after their only son is killed and they recieve compensation from the company he works for. Then, they wish for him to come back from the dead, but he comes back wrong... Finally, they use the last wish to wish him back in the grave. LIAM (Wide-eyed) Wow! MISTER HILTER So, do you see what I'm saying now? LIAM You're right, Mister Hilter. We've been going about this the wrong way. Thanks for setting us straight. CUT TO: INT. A MAGIC SHOP Liam, Bippo, Thad, and Stacy are there. Liam is standing in front of THE CLERK at the counter. LIAM Got any of those monkey paw thingies? THE CLERK Actually, we have one left. He gives it to them. THE CLERK (CONT'D) That'll be ninety-nine ninety-five. BIPPO THE CLOWN Here, let me pay for it. Bippo hands the clerk a credit card. The clerk goes to scan it. STACY Guys, I don't think this is a good idea. THAD Are you kidding? This is the best idea we've ever had! Ever! The clerk comes back and hands Bippo the credit card. THE CLERK Thank you for shopping with us, Mr. Donner. BIPPO THE CLOWN No, thank you for allowing us to shop with you. THE CLERK No, thank you for choosing our store! BIPPO THE CLOWN No, thank you for opening this store! THE CLERK Thank you for supplying the need! BIPPO THE CLOWN Thank you for supplying the supply! THE CLERK Thank you for the money. BIPPO THE CLOWN Thank you for the monkey's paw. A beat. THE CLERK Thank you for thanking me. A beat. BIPPO THE CLOWN I don't like you. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Thad, Stacy, Bippo, and Liam are sitting around the box containing Frisky the Cat. Liam is holding the monkey's paw. THAD Okay, according to the directions, all you have to do is hold up the paw and make a wish. LIAM Damn, I wish I knew how to word the wish correctly. The monkey paw glows. There is a thunderclap outside and the apartment goes dark for a moment. The lights come back on. LIAM (CONT'D) Hey, I know exactly how I should make the wish now! STACY Liam! LIAM What? BIPPO THE CLOWN You wasted a wish, you butthole! LIAM Oh crap, I did, didn't I? I wish I hadn't wished that wish. The monkey paw glows again. There is a tunderclap, the apartment goes dark, and then the lights come back on. STACY (Covers forehead with hand) Liam! LIAM I did it again, didn't I? THAD Dude, don't say anything else except for the wish to bring Frisky back to life! LIAM Okay... (a beat) How should I word it? BIPPO THE CLOWN You said you knew! STACY He wished he knew how to word it, but then he wished that he didn't wish that wish and forgot it. THAD Well, hell... LIAM It's okay! I've got it covered! (Ahem) All right, Monkey's Paw... Listen to me. I wish that Frisky the Cat would be alive again... and by that, I don't mean that Frisky becomes some kind of zombie kitty, or evil, or dangerous, or stinky, or rotty in any way. I simply want the cat to be like it was before it died. There is a thunderclap. The apartment goes dark, then the lights come back on. When they do, Frisky is standing on the coffee table purring happily as if nothing happened. STACY Oh my God, Liam! You did it! LIAM I did!? (He opens his eyes and looks) I did! Liam puts the paw in his pocket. BIPPO THE CLOWN Way to break the laws of God and nature, Liam! Frisky hops in Thad's lap and rubs against him. THAD Hey, no hard feelings, huh Mr. Kitty? FRISKY Meow! STACY Aw, Thad... He likes you. THAD Yeah, and I got you a present, Frisky. Look, it's some catnip! Frisky sniffs the catnip and starts shaking. She rockets into the air and starts running around the apartment like she's insane. STACY Whoa! LIAM Thad, what kind of catnip is that? THAD I got it at the magic shop. Thad shows it to the others. STACY Thad, that's ultra-potent magical catnip! THAD So? STACY THEY USE IT FOR GRIFFINS AND SPHINX! THAD Oh, that won't matter. It'll just keep Frisky a little more frisky and happy until Doris gets back. Frisky flies towards the window and breaks through the glass. LIAM HOLY CRAP!!! They run to the window and look. STACY Oh, God! Is he all right? BIPPO THE CLOWN All right? Damn, look at him go! THAD That is one frisky kitty, all right. BIPPO THE CLOWN Look at him run! LIAM Wow, he's a ball of energy, all right. BIPPO THE CLOWN There he goes right for the... STACY (Hides eyes) Oh God! There is a sound of a car screeching to a halt, a thud, and a cat screaming as it flies through the air. The cat hits the window of Liam's apartment causing everyone watching the commotion to jump back. There is a long pause before Bippo starts laughing hysterically. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Liam, Stacy, Thad, Bippo, and now GARY THE FANBOY are sitting around a box on the table holding the again-dead body of Frisky. GARY THE FANBOY I swear, it just came out of nowhere... like it was using a stargate system or a transporter or something. I didn't mean to hit it. BIPPO THE CLOWN You didn't hit the cat as much as you... launched it. THAD Yeah, I think it was the impact against the window that actually killed it. You were merely a catalyst. Stacy hugs Gary and kisses him. STACY You people stop making my man feel guilty! LIAM Let's not argue about who's fault it is that Frisky is dead again even if it is largely Gary's. What are we going to do now? Doris and her niece will be home any minute and we're still sitting here with a twice-dead cat. GARY THE FANBOY I actually have a suggestion about that. THAD What? GARY THE FANBOY The dead cat. THAD I mean... What do you suggest? GARY THE FANBOY I have a friend - call him a fandom acquaintance of mine - who is perfecting ways to use nanotechnology to reanimate dead tissue and, in a sense, turn Frisky into not only a live cat... but a super cat! STACY Sounds dangerous. LIAM So does a pissed off old woman by the name of Winchester. How soon can he get here, Gary? GARY THE FANBOY Let's find out. Gary picks up the phone and dials. GARY THE FANBOY (CONT'D) (Into phone) Larry, this is Gary. How soon can you get to Upda Creek Apartments, apartment 1 A? LARRY THE FANBOY How about now? Everyone looks. LARRY THE FANBOY is standing in the door, a flabby acne-infested young man in a "I GROCK SPOCK" T-Shirt. GARY THE FANBOY Everyone meet Larry the Fanboy. STACY How did you get here so fast? LARRY THE FANBOY I could say magic or marvelous technology... but why bullcrap you? I was returning Gary's original trilogy laserdiscs without those God-awful new special effects. GARY THE FANBOY Yeah, removing the matt lines really ruins the Star Wars experience. LARRY THE FANBOY What's up? GARY THE FANBOY Larry, these people here killed this cat and we need it brought to life. Are those nanites you built working yet? LARRY THE FANBOY Working? Hell, I brought over a whole jar of them! Larry the Fanboy holds up a jar that appears to be empty. LIAM I don't see anything. LARRY THE FANBOY That's because they're so small, they're invisible to the naked eye. I assume this is the departed kitty? LIAM That's him. Larry opens his jar and sprinkles some of the unseen nanites onto the cat. Everyone crowds around the dead cat to see if it stirs. LARRY THE FANBOY Be careful. If that cat died in distress, then it may be a little aggressive when it wakes up! BAM! Frisky is alive and awake. It screiks and leaps on Larry the Fanboy's head. LARRY THE FANBOY (CONT'D) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeargh! BIPPO THE CLOWN I take back everything I said! That cazzle rocks the hizzle forrizzle! The cat is on Larry's face, scratching, biting, and spitting. STACY Shouldn't we do something? GARY THE FANBOY Let him suffer for a while. This will teach him to think that Jake Lloyd is a worth Anikan Skywalker. Larry is running around the room hitting the cat and himself in the head with a book. He trips over the coffee table, spilling the nanites all over himself. THAD Hey, is he all right? Larry the Fanboy stands, his body is crawling with nanites. Suddenly, metal rips out of his skin and guns appear in his hands. He looks like a souped-up Borg or Terminator on acid. He still wears the "I GROCK SPOCK" T-Shirt. GARY THE FANBOY Uh... Larry? LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 (Mechanical voice) No, not Larry... I am... LARRY 2.0! BIPPO THE CLOWN Geekdom gets an upgrade. LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 I've been made fun of by the likes of you people for too long! It's time now that the FANBOY GETS HIS DUE! Larry unloads a barrage of bullets at Bippo who ducks out of the way. Thad leaps over the couch and takles Larry, causing him to shoot wildly at the ceiling. Frisky hisses and runs away. Larry throws Thad across the room. LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 (CONT'D) As you can see, Larry the Fanboy 2.0 is faster, stronger, better... BIPPO THE CLOWN Uglier. LIAM Bippo! LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 For that, you ALL will die! STACY Hey, what did I do? YIPE! Stacy, Bippo, Thad, Liam, and Gary run out the door as Larry follows. INT. THE HALLWAY Liam, Stacy, Thad, Bippo, and Gary tear around a corner. LIAM What are we going to do!? STACY He's a nerd! Nerds are highly suseptible to boobs! Maybe if I flash him mine... Larry the Fanboy 2.0 rounds the corner. LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 I think not, sister! Thanks to my new computerized brain, I have downloaded all the pornography off the internet and stored it in my hard-drive. THAD Yeah, I bet it's a hard drive! LIAM Larry, listen to me! You don't have to kill us! You've created something that bring life back into the world... You don't want to sully that wonderful thing you've done, do you? LARRY THE FANBOY 2.0 Like I give a toss! I made it to score with chicks! LIAM Oh, I wish that you weren't upgraded by accident! Liam's pocket glows. There is a thunderclap and the hallway darkens. LIAM (CONT'D) What the...? THAD It's that monkey paw thingy. STACY But we used up all the wishes! BIPPO THE CLOWN Yeah, but Liam wished that he didn't make a wish... that means that, instead of three wishes, he only used two! The lights come back on. Larry the Fanboy is back to normal. LARRY THE FANBOY Curses! This is only a minor setback! Now that I know my nanite work, I will use them on me again and I will finally get some respect! BIPPO THE CLOWN Oh, you wanna get some? Then get some, bitch! Bippo reaches down and yanks the rug in the hallway. Larry the Fanboy falls backwards into an open door that shuts behind him. INT. A DARK ROOM Larry the Fanboy stands and looks around. He lights a candle, giving a little illumination to the place. LARRY THE FANBOY I will kill you like Berman killed Star Trek! Feel my wrath! The clock behind him strikes six. Chocolate Treat steps out of the shadows. CHOCOLATE TREAT Oh, I intend to feel more than that. LARRY THE FANBOY Oh dear. Chocolate Treat smiles and blows out the candle. EXT. THE HALLWAY Liam, Stacy, Thad, Gary, and Bippo react to the ear piercing scream that emanates from Chocolate Treat's apartment. Stacy buries her head in Gary's shoulder, Bippo removes his clowns hat and puts it over his heart. FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT The apartment is in tatters as Liam, Stacy, Bippo, Gary, and Thad re-enter. They flop down on the couch. LIAM What a day. THAD Yeah, when Harry sees the mess we made out of this apartment, he's going to have kittens. Frisky hops up on the coffee table and waves his paw at them. They all smile. STACY Speaking of which. LIAM Yeah, we did something special here today... No matter what happened to my home, or Larry the Fanboy's pelvis... We did something great. We saved a life. They all sigh contentedly. Suddenly, the ceiling fan, weakened by the gunfire, falls from the ceiling and lands on Frisky, crushing and killing him. There is a long silence. LIAM (CONT'D) Hell's bells. FADE TO: INT. THE LOBBY Liam, Stacy, Thad, and Gary are waiting when Bippo the Clown sneaks in wearing all black and wearing black make-up on his face (making it look like he's in blackface). LIAM Bippo, did you do it? BIPPO THE CLOWN Yep, I snuck Frisky into Doris' apartment and she'll be none the wiser. STACY Liam, this is awfully dishonest of us... Cleaning off that dead cat and then putting it in it's bed in Doris's apartment to make it look like it died naturally. THAD We could have tried something else. LIAM Are you nuts? That cat died three times! If that doesn't say give up, I don't know what does. Doris walks in with her NIECE, a little girl of about five. DORIS Hello everyone. (She sees Bippo in blacface) I see that the Republican Party is having another fundraiser? A beat. BIPPO THE CLOWN Yes they are and I have to go. Buh-bye! Bippo walks out. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Bippo runs out the entrance and around a corner. BIPPO THE CLOWN Whew! That was close! He turns to his left to see a large STREET GANG made up of several large and pissed-looking black people. Bippo smiles. The lead gang-member takes out a baseball bat. INT. THE LOBBY Thad, Liam, Gary, Stacy, Doris, and her Niece are there. LIAM Hi, you must be Doris' niece. I'm Liam. The niece bites Liam's finger. LIAM (CONT'D) YEOWCH! A biter, aren't you? NEICE (Screaming) I wanna see my kitty! DORIS All right, you little bitch! I'll take you to see that cat! Good night all. Doris drags her niece up the stairs. Liam and the others watch her go. GARY THE FANBOY That was close. LIAM Do you guys hear singing? CUT TO: EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS Bippo and the gang members are singing. BIPPO & THE GANG MEMBERS Oh I wish I were in Dixie. Hooray! Hooray! FADE TO: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT DAY Liam, Thad, and Bippo are sitting on the couch watching TV. There is a knock at the door. Liam gets up to answer it and we see it's... DORIS Liam. Boys. LIAM Doris, what are you...? DORIS I just want you all to know that it was a terrible thing what you did last night. THAD W-We can explain! LIAM It was all an accident! BIPPO THE CLOWN Speak for yourself. DORIS I just want you to know, that I'm extremely disappointed in all of you. LIAM I know... We should have just told you the truth to begin with, but it was so hard. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think he suffered. DORIS Oh, I'm sure he did. I mean, you can't just throw a poor man into Chocolate Treat's apartment and not expect him to suffer. LIAM Yeah, I know, I... What? DORIS That man you guys threw into Chocolate Treat's apartment late night. That was just cruel... Even if he was trying to kill you. Liam, Bippo, and Thad looks at each other. LIAM Uh... It'll never happen again? DORIS I should hope not! It's already been a trying week, with my niece, that poor man, and Frisky chokeing on a chicken bone and dying the day before yesterday. THAD (Confused) You mean yesterday, right? DORIS No, the day before yesterday. Which reminds me, we have a SICKO in the neighborhood! Some sick freak dug up Frisky yesterday, cleaned him up, and put him back in my apartment. A beat. LIAM (Shocked) That's horrible! DORIS I know... The things people do these days for a sick laugh. Well, take care, boys. Doris leaves. Liam sits next to Bippo and Thad on the couch. LIAM (Realizing) The cat was already dead. THAD I didn't kill it. BIPPO THE CLOWN I did. They look at him. BIPPO THE CLOWN (CONT'D) What, you don't think it really choked on a chicken bone, do you? Bippo smiles an evil smile. Liam and Thad laugh. LIAM Oh, Bippo... You never cease to scare the living crap out of me. They all laugh as we... FADE OUT: THE END