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Chapter I
It was a night much like most in the late summer. The air was damp and smelt of oncoming rain; the wind was whipping through my hair mirroring the conflict of emotions that rang from within me. The world was changing all around me, and it seemed as though my life was standing still. I stood staring at the midnight sky; it wasn’t much to see as the clouds slowly rolled in from the east and set an ominous gloom over my head. Below my feet the long grass brushed at my ankles, I remember pondering that night if things could only be as simple as ground and sky. They were my constants, not matter where you where or what happened, you could always be confident that the sky was somewhere above your head and the ground below your feet. The night was my solitude, the darkness hid the pain and the silence locked it away inside me.
There were times in my life where I looked to the sky as if to find my bearings, the sky was the only place I could turn to. The sky would never judge me, I could look up at it and gaze at the stars and imagine them as the shattered pieces of my soul. Even though I couldn’t keep them inside of me anymore, at least I could look up at the night sky and see them blazing above me.
The first of the events that partook in the shattering my soul, the one that caused me to try and find this amity that was forever lost to me was my father’s sudden passing. I had been young when it happened yet old enough to remember the horrible emptiness it left in my chest. He was a honourable man that died a honourable death, yet I was still too young to remember how and why he left us so suddenly. The day my father died my mother’s flaming red hair dulled, as did her eyes, the spark that she used to have was now merely a memory that haunted my thoughts. The second was the passing of my mother. This one was still fresh; it was nearly fifteen years later to the day of my father’s passing that my mother was finally laid to rest beside the love of her life. It was as though when we buried my father a part of my mother was buried right along there beside him. I think she mourned his passing everyday and everyday I would hear her whisper his name into the shadows. It was as if he haunted her with all of their memories past and of all the memories that could have been. They say when you love somebody, I mean truly love them, it’s like your souls become entwined and converge into one. They told me day my father died my mother’s soul was just ripped away, she just became an empty shell of her previous self. I could only hope I could one day I would find someone I loved that much.
After the cold Tuesday that we laid my mother beneath the earth it seemed as though a part of me was beginning to die as well. It was like the sun didn’t shine anymore and my breath didn’t seem come as easily. It appeared that I was to follow in the same fate as my mother, to live the rest of my days in torment remembering those who I’d lost. It was a knight in shining armour that came to rescue me out of my despair. It was as though the world heard my cries of anguish in the night and sent a hero to save me. He was sent to save me from my fear and more than anything that fear was loneliness. I had learned that only bad things seem happen when you were alone, and I was so alone.
It was a man that walked into my life when I could no longer function as a normal human being any longer and saved me. He could give me everything I so desired, and that thing that I so desired was to forget, to forget all the pain and all of the turmoil in my heart and bury it with this newfound happiness. How little did I know that this happiness would not last very long at all, but truth be told, it never does. He was the reason I was the park that night, he was my solstice, my solitude, he was my night sky, he was my Jamie.
The night is what brought James to me, when I think about how naive I was it almost brings tears to my eyes. The little hints, the old lore, everything that indicated my fate but I was too wrapped up in my own self-pity to see exactly what it was that was so clearly displayed in front of my face. I knew somewhere in my heart James was too good to be true, he was too perfect, he seemed to have walked out of the pages of a romance novel. His strong square facial features, his broad muscular shoulders and artful hands, he was my Adonis and I worshipped him. It was as though he came from my subconscious thoughts and became what I desired most in a man. It was love at first sight. Then again they do say love is blind now don’t they? Initially it was this love for him that I began to fear; yet at the same time it was this fear that I couldn’t live without. This love made me feel more alive, it made me feel emotions that I had hidden so deep inside of myself that they were no longer a part of who I was. After so many years, however, one finds that it is this love that deceives you, blinding you as they say, not allowing you to see the truth, not allowing you to protect yourself. Maybe somewhere in my heart I always knew he was different, maybe that’s why I loved him, because the mystery of whom he was, or perhaps it was of whom he wasn’t. Conceivably it was his subtle differences, by so I mean his almost inhuman perfection it was his ruthless understanding for everything that was or was going to be.
“The trees, the water, the sky. They’re all tied together in perfect balance. It creates a meaning to be; a power to draw into yourself to make you stronger.” He said to me one day as he held me to his chest his Irish burr was soft and lulling, “By doing this Ana you’re allowing yourself to heal, and once you let that happen you will be happy once again.” It was he sutra and I made it mine.
I was alone standing on that little hill with my head in the clouds James was late, he was never late he always said, ‘Being late only ever makes you wish you were on time,’ It was such a simple thing for him to say but he stood by it. This was why a feeling of unease began to flood though me it was as though I could feel a thousand eyes on me all at once but still felt this awful feeling of loneliness. I began to swiftly walk away but it seemed the faster I tried to escape the more apprehensive I began to feel. This unease quickly began to turn to fear as my skin rapidly began to turn cold, it was as though a hundred cold hands had gabbed a hold of me all at once and began to pull me in every direction. My head began to swim just before I fell into a dead run and tried to heave myself away from this swirling nightmare.
The sky above matched my unease, the clouds began to churn and the wind began to howl around me. I ran blindly as if only to get away from this darkness, but it seemed to follow me wherever I turned. It began to whisper my name on the wind; it grew louder and the temperature seemed to drop rapidly. My blood ran cold and I could hear it clearly now.
“Ana.”
I turned towards the direction of the sound yet there was nothing.
“Ana.”
Again, it rang in my ears like liquid velvet. It was like nothing else I had ever heard. In this one voice there was this multitude of emotions, most of which I had never felt and some I never wanted to. I didn’t want it to stop and at the same time I had to fight from covering my ears. I once again turned to the direction of my name.
“Ana.”
This time there was a figure. A figure in the darkness calling my name, dissolving from the shadows themselves, chills coursed through me as his eyes like lucid glass pierced through me like daggers of ice. His elegant features spread into an unsettling smile; it was as though this motion was forced, almost unnatural for him. He raised a perfect eyebrow as he extended his hand. I was mesmerized; this man was beauty in its every definition. He was perfect. I found myself drawn to him yet at the same time my body did not allow me to take a step towards him.
Thunder crashed loud above and I raised my eyes to the sky an the lightning streaked across it in a wayward fashion a familiar arctic voice spoke in my head, ‘Never!’
I looked around now in confusion but found nothing, not even the man that had been in front of me just moments before. My mind began moving rapidly trying to find a logical explanation as to what had just happened. Was I finally going crazy? Had I slipped and smacked my head? Was I still in bed sleeping? I stood a moment stunned before I heard the sound of footsteps pounding on the path behind me.
“Ana!”
I turned sharply dreading I might see the figure again.
It was James. He pulled me into his firm grasp, “I’m sorry I’m late, I never meant to… are you alright?”
“James I-” my thoughts were barely making any sense, why did I feel as though I had just run a thousand miles, “I don’t know what just happened. It was like…”
James carefully placed his index finger under my chin and tipped my face to meet his gaze, “Are you alright?”
“I- I think so, just really tired all of a sudden.”
James’ face darkened his eyes hooded in the darkness and his voice spoke with a definite hardness, “Tomorrow we will go away,” it was not a question, “you deserve it but for now we are going home. Something in the air just doesn’t seem right.”
I wasn’t about to argue with him, my body felt like jelly and when he pulled me close to his side in a possessive manner I was not about to object. The walk out of the park and the quiet streets wasn’t any different from any other time we had done it before but a part of me felt different. I couldn’t help thinking I was going mad, that perhaps I had imagined the whole thing. James looked down at me as we turned on to the street where his elegant turn of the century flat resided.
“Ana,” he questioned, “are you alright?”
“I don’t know?” my voice sounded small and surprised even me, “I think I am going crazy.”
He furrowed his pale brows, “What do you mean?”
I wasn’t sure how to continue but I stumbled on, “Just before you arrived, there was this man. He called my name.”
I wanted James to say something, anything but he remained quiet so I continued, “he seemed to rise from the shadows, he was tall, taller than you, his face was, was…”
I was lost for words now, but they still seemed to flow from my lips, “His voice was like nothing I’ve ever heard, just hearing it made me want to do things, crazy things. I- I-”
James stopped walking we were now outside of his flat. He placed a finger gently on my lips to silence me again and pulled me into his arms, “Shh,” he soothed me; I hadn’t realized the tears were running down my face, “It will be alright, I am here now, I will protect you.”
We slowly walked up the steps and entered his flat the fine furnishings within matched the antique exterior. He helped me remove my coat and directed me to the kitchen; I sat down at the table my hands were shaking, why was this upsetting me so much? James busied himself putting on a pot of tea, after he placed the kettle on the stove he came and sat with me.
He took my hands in his and I took a deep breath trying to rein my emotions, “We’ll have a cup of tea and then I’ll put you to bed and let you dreams sooth you.”
It was like a bell rang, my stomach hollowed and my mouth became dry.
“What is it?” he asked his voice tense as he noticed my eyes visibly widen.
“I’ve seen him before,” my voice was shaking.
James’ hard tone made up for the lack of mine, “Where?”
“In my dreams, for as long as I can remember, sometimes I see no more than a glimpse of him, sometimes I’m in love with him and sometimes he is my mortal enemy,” my eyes bore into James’ with certainty.
“You’re sure?” he asked.
I nodded, “More than I have ever been before. Jamie I’m scared.”
He moved so swiftly around the table to me I wasn’t sure I even saw him move. His arms wrapped around me and held me to his chest as the tears fell from my eyes again. Now more than ever I was sure I was going mad, either that or there was some sort of higher power at work.
I closed my eyes and fell into his embrace, and was disappointed when I felt him pull away. The kettle had been boiling for some time now and the steam was spewing from the spout. He quickly removed it from the stovetop and poured it into the teapot, the lines on his face drawn in deep though. He stood his arms braced on the counter top before the teapot for some time I opened my mouth to speak but he turned surprising me.
“You’re not crazy.” It was a statement, not a reassurance.
I furrowed my brows in response and opened my mouth to speak again but again he spoke first.
“What you saw, who you saw,” he corrected himself, “he’s real, he is more real than even you or I. Ana, if he has approached you I-” he stopped running his fingers through his blond hair in frustration. “I want to tell you everything but you have to understand.”
My stomach dropped again, his words echoing in my ears, “Understand? Understand what?”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “I can’t tell you.”
“What do you mean you can tell me,” I could feel the scared anger welling up inside of me.
He opened his eyes and looked down at me, “I can’t tell you now, Ana, believe me if I could tell you I would but this is not the place, I can’t keep you safe enough here. I need to keep you safe.”
“Who is stopping you Jamie? Huh? It’s sure as hell not me?” my fists were balled on my lap, “I never asked you to be my protector you took that upon yourself.”
It took two long strides for him to reach me from where he was and to lift me to my feet. His hands grasped tightly upon my upper arms, “Don’t,” his words were soft but harsh, “don’t make me the bad guy. Please don’t, I promise I will tell you I will tell you when we get to Ireland.”
“Ireland?” I questioned caught off guard.
“It was supposed to be a surprise,” he loosened his grasp on my arms his hands moving up to rest on my shoulders.
“Oh.” I felt abashed, “I’m sorry.”
“No Ana, don’t be sorry, never be sorry.”
