Lolita's Ugly Stepsister

If her father had been home, none of this would have happened. But he'd gone off to a computer conference, so Ayanami Midori was left home alone. It was dinnertime, so she was hungry, but her father wasn't there to cook for her. She tried to make herself noodles but failed and ended up ordering out for ramen instead. Seventeen and unskilled as a child- she doesn't want to get married, but she doesn't know what to do with her life, either...

It was the moment she set the phone down that I chose to struck. I launched myself through the wall, jaws outstretched, and pounced.

I'd like to say that was the end, that her life ended in rushes of succulent flesh through my mouth- mmm, yummy- that's what should have happened. Instead, her fist had collided with my face, and I found myself tasting fuzzy red carpet. "Ow," I muttered. "Bloody ow."

Midori squealed, high-pitched, and jumped back, uttering some words she wouldn't have wanted her father to hear her say. I could feel I was bleeding. Man, my inner fluids totally clash with her floor. "Midi-chan, you suck," I whined. "Let me eat you."

Midori shrieked again when she got her first good look at me. More choice words. "What would the kids at school think of that language?" I managed, leering at her. "Aw, shy little Midi's got some teeth."

She blinked. "Teeth. You wanna eat me?" To my indignation, she picked me up with one hand to get a better look at me.

I nodded enthusiastically, though trying to squirm out of her iron grasp. "Well, of course. Why else have I been stalking you?"

"You've been stalking me?" she repeated. Humans do that a lot. Just repeat things, I mean. They do that a lot.

"Okay, you are so not gonna stalk me anymore, and you're NOT gonna get to eat me, either," she blurted, sounding as though she'd become hysterical. "If I've gone crazy enough to see freaky talking monsters, I might as well enjoy myself. I mean, who are you?" She sat down on the kitchen stool and faced me, crossing her legs, and I started to get a very bad feeling about this.

"Alright," I said, trying to keep ahold of the situation. "Before I devour you, Midi-chan, I'll give you my name." Funny, I hadn't thought she was this brave. The way she acts, you'd think she'd be terrified of everything. She's like the violet contact lenses her father finally let her start wearing, just plain weird.

"I..." I paused dramatically, waiting so long Midori began to mumble something about having an appointment with her therapist soon, thank YOU- "Am Bob!"

"Bob," Midori blinked. "You're Bob."

She surveyed me, then groaned, her uncontrolled voice raw and boyish. "Okay, I'm an optimist, but I have to say, I'm starting to lose hope for this world."

I started to sneak away, and dude, was that the wrong thing to try. Midori had me flipped onto her grand piano in seconds, the sound of the impact letting out a loud ugly chord. It was strange that she'd hurt the thing, even to hit me, because she practices it so much-

"Lemme go!" I howled. "I promise I'll leave you alone if you lemme go!"

"Yeah right!" Midori yelled. "You think I'm stupid? I take university-level math, but you know that, don't you, BOB?"

"You know," I said, smiling weakly, rather strained, "You'd be prettier if you wore make-up."

Midi groans. "Ah, God, what the hell am I gonna do with some lame monster?"

"Talk to your therapist about me and maybe I'll go away, you schizo."

"I'm not a schizophrenic!" Midori snaps, turning red. "Even if you're here, I'm not crazy! I don't hallucinate, I'm just depressed! It's the pressure of having to get into college- of passing my entrance exams-"

"Of course you're not," I said comfortingly. "If you were, it would mean I wasn't real. Ayako-san's waiting for you." Urameshi Ayako's her therapist. (Yeah, I wouldn't get psychological help from a woman with a name like that, would you?) See, I know everything in the world about her, that's how much I love her.

"Yeah, whatever," Midori sighed. "Okay, stay here! I'll deal with you when I get back!"

"Aren't you gonna eat dinner?" I asked.

"I'm too fat already!" she shrieked, and running out. I followed her out into the corridor, so she stopped.

"Hello, Ayanami-san," Seta-san said as she passed.

Midori's eyes darted between me and Seta-san, panicked, before she realized that the crumbly old lady hadn't noticed me. She smiled sweetly at her neighbor, then, adopting her pretense of shyness. "Ah, good evening, Seta-san. You're going to your bridge club?"

"No one can see me but you," I said, and winked.

"Yeah. And when am I going to get to meet that boyfriend of yours?"

My Midi's smile didn't fade. "Ah, I'm between boyfriends."

Hey, want me to tell you a secret? She wouldn't want anyone to know, but she's between fathers, too.