My dearest, darling daughter-

I know I'm probably the last person you'd expected-- or hoped-- to hear from. I deserve your dismissal, and have no right asking you for anything else. but I have faith that the beautiful little girl I once knew will have it in her to forgive me, just a little bit, just enough to hear out a broken woman.

I hope this letter finds you. I can't bear the thought of you going through your life without an explanation or an apology from me. I trust you are doing well, and growing up to be a beautiful, intelligent young woman.

I doubt anyone's told you anything about me or your father thus far, and if they have, I'm sure whatever stories they've fed you are far from the truth.

Your father, like me, was young and stupid. He left, and I never told him about you. You were too precious for him to hold any sort of authority in your life.

As for me. don't let them fool you into thinking I didn't want you. But don't let them tell you I was a saint, either. I wish I had something good to say about myself, but the truth is. I didn't deserve you. I was poor, I was brash and I was stupid. Things haven't changed much since, except that I feel a million times wiser.

I'd like to say I'm doing okay, but I can't lie to you. I never could.

You know, when I close my eyes I see your smiling little face in my mind- my only baby girl. You were so tiny and pretty and perfect; you would lay cradled in my arms for hours at a time, sleeping like an angel. My beautiful daughter.

You were so little. It kills me to think that you were too young to conjure any recollection me.

One of my deepest regrets is that I'll never get to see the wonderful young lady you've become. What have I missed already? Your first word, first steps, many birthdays, Christmases, maybe even graduations and weddings.

My heart breaks at the thought of missing so much of my little girl.

I doubt that anything I say here will be able to justify my actions, make them fairer to you, but please understand why I'm not around.

I want you to know that I love you more than anything else in the whole wide world. I will always love you, forever and ever.

And I want you to know I'm sorry.

I know my apologies won't excuse me from any resentment you hold towards me-I'd understand completely if you hated me for what I've done. But for what it's worth, I've never regretted anything more than I regret not being there for you, not seeing you reach the milestones of your life.

I didn't mean to let you go. I mean, you were my whole world. But I wouldn't have been the mother you deserved. I know what it's like to have a sporadic, unreliable mother. I wasn't about to let you go through such a Hellish ordeal. I loved you too much to let myself ruin your life.

I was so scared, baby. I was terrified. I knew I couldn't take care of you, and the thought that your childhood would be as painful as mine. The short time you were under my care, all you did was cry and cry and cry. I couldn't get you to eat. I couldn't take care of you, and it scared me. A large part of me thinks that you cried because I couldn't make you happy.

I couldn't stand the thought of you growing up unhappy. But I couldn't see any way for you to be happy while I was unable to change for you.

As long as I was your mother, you would be unhappy.

So I took the coward's way out. I was selfish and afraid. I'll readily admit it. I hope you understand why I did what I did.

I know whenever you finally read this letter, be it tomorrow or fifty years from now, I will be gone. Half an hour earlier I'd dropped you off at a friend's house, and told them to take care of you. I know they'll take good care of you. Then I parked my rusted pick-up, ran a hose from the exhaust to the cab, and began writing to you-- the light of my life.

Maybe I was wrong to do what I've done. But I know that you'll be able to grow up with someone dependable to look up to, someone that will know how to take care of you.

Maybe this letter has reached you too late and your distain towards me is irrevocable. It hurts to think that this may be the case, but if it is true, please, try and find it in yourself to understand why I did what I did. Know that I love you so much..

The truck vibrates in a most soothing motion, and I find myself getting drowsy. Please don't think that this is an escape. I'm doing this for you, so that you will be better. Happier.

Please understand.

. my beautiful little girl, my lovely, wonderful daughter..

I'm so sorry for not being in your life.