To have loved and lost. 7-30-04 10:20 pm

It is better to have loved and lost,
than to never have loved.

Watching her, I know. I know how my heart flutters at the mere sight of her. Her voice like an angels', whispers 'I love you' into my ear at night when I pretend to be asleep. The smell of her captures my senses and I am in euphoria nothing can top. The taste of her, when I gently kiss her neck. Nothing compares to this feeling now. The feel of her warm body against mine, my arms around her and her hand in mine. Gentle caresses and a nuzzle against my cheek that lets me know she's thinking about me.
As I lay there, I feel her slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep. I sit up ever so slightly to watch her. Her chest rises and falls with each breath she takes. The light from the opened window sends moon-shadows across her porcelain skin. Her dark brown hair has fallen elegantly in her face. I gently sweep it out of the way of my lover's beautiful freckle- sprinkled face. A delicate smile is etched across her full pink lips. I trace her skin lightly with my fingertips, exploring every inch of her Heaven-sent body. I smile to myself as she lets out a small subconscious moan. I sink back into the bed, and gently kiss her neck.
I wrap myself back into her, knowing, when morning comes, that this moment will be regretted. We will go back to being just friends and I'll admire her from the shadows, until one day our eyes will meet. We'll both know what happened but neither will admit that they felt something. Then as our gaze is broken, a longing washes over us. A longing to be back in each other's arms.
We will sit in each others presence, talking of the day's adventures. His name will slip from her lips and I'll know that it is he, she would rather be with. My heart breaks as I begin to understand that what was between us was an accident. She was curious. She could never devote herself to this life or to me. She needs masculine arms to hold her and protect her.
The way they look at each other tears my soul to shreds. They love each other, and I love her. If you love someone, you have to let them go. I have got to let her go. Regardless of what my heart desires, I know that she has chosen him. And as much as I hate to say it, we can never go back to being just friends. There will always be other emotions to fill the silence. The phone rings and it is her. As much as I want to answer, I can't. I have to let her go. And so it begins.
Tears fall down my face as I silently cry to myself. I run to my room and lock the door. I sit down against the wall. All the memories seep into my skin. Under my bed lies a box of notes passed between friends and lovers. I read the ones that she has written me. At sometime she loved me; she truly loved me. Why couldn't it have lasted? I have to let her go. But for a fraction of eternity she was mine. Only mine. I shouldn't have to let her go. I could keep her secretly to myself and no one would ever know. No one would ever get hurt.
Alas, life is not that simple. So I ask myself. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved? There would never have been this heartbreak. Our friendship would have never been altered. I could have been happy for them. But I would have never have felt her skin next to mine, or my hand in hers. I would never have had my heart stop as when she looks into my eyes.
I smile as feel slender arms wrap around my waist and warm skin press against my back. I now know, as I lay in bed, that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved. I know this because it is what my heart tells my as she kisses my neck and softly whispers 'I love you' into my ear just as we fall asleep wrapped in each others arms forever.