Justice Squad: The Floaty Justice Squad Ball Thingies NARRATOR (V.O.) Previously on Justice Squad... ------------------------------------------------------------- From episode 2.38: "A Rock and a Hard Place" -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER ULTRAWOMAN There's no telling how long we're going to be gone. Go tell your families good-bye. We'll leave as soon as everyone is back here. COSMIC WEASEL So, let me get this straight... ULTRAWOMAN We're going into space to put an end to this conflict once and for all. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE BLUE FAIRY'S HOME JACK (Whispers) I hate you. BLUE FAIRY Jack... -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER ALIEN (Looking at computer) The last one that went through that sector of space was the Zelbinian a few months ago. There is a T'ara Rool on the manifest. QUASAR Yeah. That's the one. Can you get a message to her for me? ALIEN (Looks uncomfortable) I-I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but that ship was destroyed a few weeks after it left the Solar System. -------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE MOON Voyager blasts out of the crater. The camera follows it as it flies into space. -------------------------------------------------------------- A QUICK MONTAGE Voyager blasts out of the crater. The camera follows it as it flies into space. Voyager faces off against the P'Rellian warships. Luna knocks Olia on the head. Donner, Wolfman, and Ultrababy are trapped in the storeroom. Voyager blasts off from Gateway Station. Thad finds Mr T's GMC Van. The Van crashed out of the P'Rellian Embassy. Voyager sweeps by and beams the Zeta Eta 3-2-5 bomb aboard. -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE SCIENCE LAB Quasar and Blue Fairy are standing by as the bomb materializes. They rush towards it with tools in hand ready to disarm it. Blue Fairy opens the casing and starts working. BLUE FAIRY (Quickly) We've less than twenty seconds to disarm this thing. I've got to find the power source and disconnect it and then re-route the firing mechanism to compensate for the... Quasar reaches into the casing and flips a switch. COMPUTER Bomb disarmed. Blue Fairy looks at Quasar. QUASAR All you had to do was turn it off. -------------------------------------------------------------- Blue Fairy smiles widely and goes back to work. He sees something in the bomb and frowns. BLUE FAIRY Bippo... -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. THE VAN Donner is holding Ultra-Baby as Thad drives. DONNER We just entered the system. ULTRAWOMAN (over com) Is Zylika okay? DONNER She's fine. INT. THE BRIDGE As before. ULTRAWOMAN Keep her fine, Donner. DONNER (over com) Always. I know I'll feel better once I'm back on the ship and heading home. ULTRAWOMAN Don't worry. We'll all be home soon. INT. THE SCIENCE LAB Quasar and Blue Fairy are working on the bomb. Suddenly, a counter pops up out of the top and starts counting down. Quasar and Blue Fairy look at it. 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... QUASAR Aw, fu-- The bomb explodes. EXT. VOYAGER The starship goes up like a star. INT. THE VAN Off in the distance, Thad and Donner see a large EXPLOSION. Suddenly, the van is rocked by shockwaves. EXT. THE VAN The van is buffeted by the blast's shockwaves. Debris hits up against them. INT. THE VAN The blast subsides. Donner and Thad pick themselves up. Ultra-Baby is crying. WOLFMAN What was... DONNER Oh no... Oh, God, no! -------------------------------------------------------------- INT. AN ALIEN SPACESHIP CAPTAIN Ready the Phoenix Armada and tell them to set a course for Earth. Once we are there, we will wipe out everything and everyone on the surface. The Cradle of Satan will be cleansed and our people will start a new life there... He finally walks into the light revealing that he has blue skin and red eyes. He is a Xrax like Quasar. CAPTAIN ...and there will be no so-called Justice Squad to stop us. Doctor Colon steps in behind him revealing that he is Xrax as well. DOCTOR COLON Aye, captain. CUT TO BLACK: NARRATOR (VO) And now the continuation... FADE IN: EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The large towering structure sits on the surface of the moon. However, the building is dark and lonely... as if no one is home. EXT. MOSCOW A large crocodile has broken out of the sewers and is chasing a terrified population down the streets. People run away in terror. Suddenly, someone points to the sky. SOMEONE Look! We're saved! It's Justice Squad! EVERYONE Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Several figures descend quickly from the sky, but instead of Justice Squad, it's members of JUSTICE SQUAD EUROPE consisting of JELLYFISH MONKEY-MAN, MADAME LE PITT, CAPTAIN WETS-HIMSELF, BEAVER BOY, AND EL LOCO NACHO. SOMEONE Europe! EVERYONE (Disappointed) Awwwwwwwwwwwwww... El Loco Nacho throws several of his JALAPENO BOMBS at the croc while Madame Le Pitt tries to contain it with her underarm hair. Beaver Boy has erected a barrier to protect the people of Moscow from the creature. Jellyfish Monkey-Man runs over and uses his jellyfish powers to sting the beast into submission. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO CHIP BEAVERMILK and CONNIE LINGUS are giving a news report. CHIP BEAVERMILK That was the scene earlier today in Moscow as members of Justice Squad Europe saved the city from a drunken mutant crocodile. CONNIE LINGUS Although the day was saved, many are wondering why the main force of Justice Squad wasn't called in for help. It's been almost two weeks since any members of the famous superhero group was sighted, and representatives of Justice Squad are not returning calls on the matter. INT. THE OBSERVATION DECK Stars give a small amount of illumination to the empty dark room. An eerie silence permeates the scene. On one of the tables, there is a wilting plant that looks like no one has been there to take care of it. EXT. LAS VEGAS, NEVADA DREW FANGTASTIC, LERAF, HYDRICH, MEGAN, SKREE, BOB, and ARNOLD are fighting a small army of MOLE MEN. Megan torches one, LeRaf in his werebear form tears one to pieces, and Drew slashes a Mole Man's throat with just a slash of his wrist. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO Chip Beavermilk and Connie Lingus are giving another news report. CHIP BEAVERMILK One month... That is how long it's been since Justice Squad has been seen. Many are beginning to ask questions. Where are they? What could have happened to them? CONNIE LINGUS And the most important question, Chip, why are we wasting our time interviewing a vampire? DREW FANGTASTIC is on a video monitor. We see Las Vegas behind him. DREW FANGTASTIC Hey! CONNIE LINGUS Drew Fangtastic, welcome to the show. DREW FANGTASTIC Bite me. CONNIE LINGUS An ironic statement, don't you think? CHIP BEAVERMILK Mr. Fangtastic, welcome. You've long been associated with Justice Squad tell me, do you have any idea where they are? DREW FANGTASTIC I wish I could say that I do. I have a bad feeling about this. CONNIE LINGUS We'll be right back after this. A gaudy CGI sequence appears on the TV with the caption INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: 2004 appearing at the last. INT. THE MONITOR WOMB All of the monitors are off and the observation chair stands empty. A fine layer of dust has collected on the equipment. INT. RICH E. MOGUL'S OFFICE RICH E. MOGUL, SENESTRA MALEVOLOUS, ROCK, and TANK stand around looking at the city below. RICH E. MOGUL The F-Men... We unleash one of your magnificent robotic killing machines on the city, and The F-Men come to stop it. SENESTRA I'm surprised they COULD stop it. RICH E. MOGUL Yes, but the absence of our foes is... stranger. SENESTRA Yes, Rich... No Justice Squad for over two months? The situation is quite delicious and we should take full advantage of it. Mogul kisses her hand. RICH E. MOGUL Just what I was thinking, my sweet. Just what I was thinking. INT. A TELEVISION STUDIO THE PROFESSOR, CHARLEMAGNE, and JUSTIN TIMBERLACKY are sitting in the studio being interviewed by Chip Beavermilk and Connie Lingus. CHARLEMANGE All I can say is that Justice Squad is on a mission in space. CHIP BEAVERMILK I see... and how are they doing up there? CHARLEMANGE We, uh... Don't know. JUSTIN TIMBERLACKY We haven't heard from them. CHIP BEAVERMILK But don't you think it's odd that we haven't at least heard from them in three months? PROFESSOR Odd, yes, but this is Justice Squad we're talking about. CHIP BEAVERMILK Do you think it's possible that someone catastrophic has happened to them? PROFESSOR I have no comment on that. CHIP BEAVERMILK Professor, where is Justice Squad? PROFESSOR I've no comment. A MONTAGE Newspapers fly up towards the camera. "JUSTICE SQUAD MISSING!" "JUSTICE SQUAD LOST IN SPACE!" "WHERE ARE THEY!?" "PENNY'S BACK TO SCHOOL SALE!" INT. THE WHITE HOUSE George W. Bush, Stacy VaVoom, and Colin Powell are talking. Powell is handing a frustrated George W. Bush reports... even though Dubya seems oblivious that he's holding them upside down. GEORGE W. BUSH Riots, looting, fires, rapes, murders, theft, extortion... STACY VAVOOM Yes, without Justice Squad to intimidate them, congress is completely out of control. GEORGE W. BUSH Where are they? Where is Justice Squad!? WHERE IS JUSTICE SQUAD!!! INT. THE WAR ROOM The room is dark save for a little lighting coming in from the windows overhead. The conference table has a layer of dust on it and the chairs stand empty. There is nothing but the kind of silence you might hear in a tomb. Suddenly, the computer springs to life illuminating the room. COMPUTER Programmed time has elapsed. Initiating emergency program Nightflyer 1. EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The tower suddenly lights up. Several spherical black probes shoot out of the base and head towards Earth. MUSIC STING! FADE OUT --------------------------------------------------------------

JUSTICE SQUAD
Episode 3.01 - SEASON PREMEIRE
"The Floaty Justice Squad Ball Thingies"
Written by Jason Gaston

Not as funny as Catwoman.

-------------------------------------------------------------- EXT. THE NIGHT SKY Thousands and thousands of twinkling stars fill the screen. The camera angles down to reveal JONATHAN KRUGER and DOCTOR KAY COMFORT sitting on top of a mountain with a telescope. Jon is busy looking through it while Dr. Comfort is typing away on a laptop. KAT Anything? JON Something really bright and shiny and big is up there, Kat! She looks up. KAT That's the moon, Jon. Jon looks. JON All right, fool me once shame on me. Fool me eight times... Kat types in a few more equations. KAT I'm still not picking up any signals from Voyager or any Justice Squad communicators in space. JON And I don't see anything up there that could... WHOA! Wait, wait, I see... He looks. JON Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! You're not fooling me again, Mr. Moon! KAT Jon, I think we have to face what we're thinking... What if they're not coming back? JON Why? Earth is where all of their stuff is! KAT I mean... What if something's happened to all of them. JON Like what? The ship blew up and killed all of them? Please, Kat! That's ridiculous. KAT And yet, here we are three months after they left. They haven't come home and there's still no word from them. Jon, I just want you to be prepared. JON What prepared? I'm prepared for anything! Jon turns around. One of the black spheres that launched from the moon is floating in front of his face. Jon shrieks and falls backwards. For the first time, we notice that the sphere has the Justice Squad logo on it. SPHERE (Computerized voice) Doctor Wham? Jon stands up. JON Doctor Wham? You mean the dashing, daring, and handsome young hero that may or may not currently be living here on the island of Kirbylee? We hear the sound of something being printed. A slip of paper spits out of the front of the sphere. Jon takes it and looks at it. SPHERE You have been selected by Cosmic Weasel. You are needed. The Sphere takes off into the night. Jon reads the paper... his face becomes long. KAT What is it? What does it say? JON NIPPLAGE!!! Upon saying his magic word, lighting strikes Jon turning him into... DOCTOR WHAM! DR. WHAM It says I've been drafted. FADE TO: INT. A COURTROOM The room is packed with people. The judge bangs his gavel. JUDGE Mr. DeSoto? Would you be so kind as to present your argument? At the prosecution's side, JAMAL DESOTO stands. A black man in his early thirties, Jamal is clean-cut and professional. However, he also has a look in his eye that says he'll tear you to pieces if you cross him. JAMAL Thank you your honor. Abraham Lincoln... Rosa Parks... Doctor Martin Luthor King. Great names belonging to great people... people who believed that the black man shouldn't be a second-class citizen. Sadly, their message is in danger today because of THESE PEOPLE! He points to the defense team. Several older, fat white people are sitting there looking mad and shocked. JAMAL These... people! Who want to set the civil rights movement back a hundred years. They don't want us to be lawyers and doctors and businessmen... They want us diggin' holes in the backyard for their garden or driving their nice expensive cars with little stupid hats sayin', "Yes sah! No, sah!" Well that ain't happening! My people have come TOO FAR! And let me tell you something else... on a personal level... should the proud African American people fall to the level you want them on and we do end up driving your car, making your dinner, and pulling your weeds... Let me tell you here and now, we will also be crapping in your flower beds, pissing in your chowder, and making sweet nasty love to your daughters because the revolution will NOT be televised! CAN I GET AN AMEN!? A small white boy of about fourteen stands in the back. SMALL BOY AMEN! JAMAL SHUT YO' DOCK MARTIN WEARIN' AMERICAN IDOL FOLLOWIN' PARIS HILTON LUSTIN' WHITE ASS UP! SMALL BOY Yessir. JAMAL (To Jury) Ladies and gentlemen... Tolerance. Tolerance is the key. That is why you should allow my class action lawsuit against the makers of white chocolate to be heard. That's all they want to do... take the DARK out of chocolate! The judge looks like he's bored. He sighs and rolls his eyes. INT. JAMAL DESOTO'S OFFICE Jamal is sitting at his desk while the Small Boy dances for his amusement. SMALL BOY So you didn't get your class action suit. So what? JAMAL So what? So WHAT!? I'll tell you so what? Today it's white chocolate and tomorrow it's white only drinking fountains! They're trying to tear down racial tolerance! Now keep dancing you Ford Escort drivin', Chinese food eatin', Lost in Translation watchin' honky! Suddenly, there is a crash as a sphere bursts through the window. Glass flies everywhere as Jamal and the small boy duck for cover. SPHERE Black Puma? Jamal slowly rises from behind his desk. JAMAL What the white devil? The Sphere spits out a piece of paper. Jamal snaps it up and reads it. SPHERE You have been chosen by Nightflyer. You are needed. The Sphere takes off smashing through the window again and completely destroying it. JAMAL (Shouting) Hey! Who gonna pay for this window!? SMALL BOY What is it, Mr. Desoto? JAMAL (Reading) Looks like Justice Squad is being rebuilt. Grab my costume! Looks like Black Puma and Cracka are going to the moon! SMALL BOY Great! (a beat) I'll tell him! The Small Boy walks to a closet and opens it up revealing CRACKA. SMALL BOY Hey, Cracka! You're going to the moon! CRACKA Yay! EXT. TEXAS High above the Texas landscape, we see THE TEXAN riding atop his beloved winged longhorn, BEEVO. They fly through a canyon, glide over the river, and then back into the air. BEEVO Moooooooooooooooooooo! THE TEXAN What is it, Beevo? A Justice Squad sphere is following them. SPHERE The Texan? EXT. TEXAS On the ground, Beevo is grazing on some grass as The Texan stands there looking at the sphere reading his printout. SPHERE You have been selected by Capeman. You are needed. The sphere takes off towards the horizon. The Texan crumples up the note in his hand. THE TEXAN You ever been to the moon, boy? BEEVO Mooooon? THE TEXAN Yep. That's where we're a'headin'. EXT. USA STUDIOS - HOLLYWOOD Establishing shot. INT. A STUDIO NOVA is standing in a bedroom set with a DIRECTOR, CAMERAMAN, AGENT, PRODUCER, and a male ACTOR in a robe who looks bored. NOVA I never agreed to any of this. PRODUCER It's in the script, Sweetheart, didn't you read it before you took the job? AGENT She read the script and had full knowledge that it would require nudity. But we agreed on a body double. NOVA I am a very private, moral, and upstanding person. DIRECTOR You were sleeping with a Gorilla a few months ago! NOVA Nonsense! We never slept! EVERYONE Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! NOVA Either I get my body double or I'm walking out of this movie. AGENT It's in her contract. DIRECTOR Fine, you win. Send in the body doubles! A half dozen women walk in topless (we only see them from the back). NOVA You mean these women stand around topless all day until you need them? DIRECTOR It's Hollywood, sweet cheeks. Now pick out the pair that you want to double for you. Nova sighs and looks at the first girl. NOVA Not big enough. She walks over to the next girl. NOVA Too big. She walks to the next girl. She reaches over and bounces them. NOVA Nice implants, poser. She walks over to the next girl and feels of her tah-tahs. NOVA Hmm... Not bad. The bounce and consistency is good. You're definitely a contender. GIRL Yay! Now I can buy beer for my boyfriend! Nova gives her a look of disgust as she reaches for the next pair. NOVA (Not looking, smiles) Bingo! What's your name? SPHERE (O.C.) Nova? NOVA Hey, that's my name too! She looks and yelps in surprise when she sees a Justice Squad sphere floating there. A piece of paper pops out and lands at Nova's feet. SPHERE You have been selected by Luna. You are needed. Nova bends down and picks up the piece of paper. She covers her mouth in shock. INT. LEONARD MCKINSEY'S HOME A sphere floats out the door as Jack and Gloria sit on the couch. Gloria is crying. Jack is holding the piece of paper in his hands and staring straight ahead in shock. INT. JUSTICE SQUAD EUROPE'S HEADQUARTERS Inside an old castle, Jellyfish Monkey-Man is talking to a Sphere. SPHERE Jellyfish Monkey-man, you have been selected by Ultrawoman. You are needed. The sphere starts to leave. JELLYFISH MONKEY-MAN Wait! The sphere stops. JELLYFISH MONKEY-MAN As mush as I appreciate Ultrawoman's faith in me, I must decline this invitation. I have Justice Squad Europe to maintain. My place is here. SPHERE Do you recommend a replacement for you? JELLYFISH MONKEY-MAN Actually, we have a brand new member in JSE that should fit your needs perfectly. He turns and looks off screen. JELLYFISH MONKEY-MAN What do you say, love? Ready to join the A-list? In the shadows, we see the red glow of a cigarette. Smoke billows out into the light as a dark female figure puts her hands on her hips. DARK FIGURE Just don't expect me to put on one of those bloody body condom things. I don't have the bust for it. INT. A SMALL APARTMENT THE PURPLE HELMET is standing in front of a sphere. The Purple Helmet's son, Robby, is sitting nearby looking embarrassed and mad. SPHERE You have been selected by Sea Man. Purple Helmet, you are needed! The sphere takes off. ROBBY I wanna go home. PURPLE HELMET Robby, didn't you hear? You're father, The Purple Helmet, is going to be in Justice Squad! ROBBY Dad... You were selected by Sea Man! The Purple Helmet blinks. ROBBY You're just not getting the irony are you? More blinks. ROBBY Your costume makes you look like a giant dick, dad. PURPLE HELMET As I've explained before, Robby, I am a detective. A dick, if you will. ROBBY I... want... to... go... home. Or at least let me play X Box. PURPLE HELMET I would, but your mother got it in the divorce. ROBBY Bye, Dad. Robby walks out the front door. INT. A CASINO IN VEGAS A sphere floats in front of the camera. SPHERE You have been selected by Devour. You are needed. The camera spins around to reveal... TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG A big Pussy wants me? Why am I not surprised! I kid... I kid... God rest his little pussy soul. EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER All is quiet. Suddenly, MR. T's CUSTOM 1982 GMC VAN flies overhead and heads towards the watchtower. INT. WATCHTOWER CORRIDOR DONNER and THAD emerge from a door and start walking down the hallway. Donner is holding his daughter, ZALIKA, a.k.a. ULTRA-BABY. Donner and Thad are both unshaven and look like hell. THAD It was nice of the P'Rellians to give us the send off that they did. DONNER Well, save their entire race and they'll do crazy stuff like that for you. Makes me feel good that Justice Squad didn't die for nothing... Donner pauses as though he's still having a hard time with the whole concept of the team being wiped out. THAD Yeah. DONNER Three months in deep space searching, researching, and re-re searching... I don't even know if Donco is in business anymore. Ultra-Baby coos. Donner holds her a little tighter. THAD I'm just ready for a good night's sleep in a proper bed. I just hope everything is quiet tonight. The walk into a doorway and into... INT. THE WAR ROOM - CONTINUOUS Donner and Thad stop in their tracks. NOVA, THE TEXAN, BEEVO, PURPLE HELMET, BLACK PUMA, CRACKA, DR. WHAM, JACK MCKINSEY, and TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG are in the room arguing with each other loudly. Also in the room is Bippo the Clown's twin brother, FLIPPO THE CLOWN and IVY, A small brunette woman with a union jack T-Shirt on. The loud arguing continues for several seconds. DONNER Excuse me... No one notices Donner, instead they continue to argue. DONNER Excuse me! Still, no one pays Donner any mind. DONNER (screams) HEY! DAMMIT, KNOCK IT OFF!!! Everyone stops and looks at Donner and Thad and Ultra-Baby. DONNER What the HELL are you people doing here? NOVA You guys aren't dead! THAD Thanks for noticing. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG They smell dead. DONNER We just spent three months in the ass-end of space sleeping in a van. You can't expect us to smell like roses. THE TEXAN You do smell like a rose... growing in the middle of a cow patty. BEEVO Moo? DONNER Thank you very much, now why are you all here!? The main viewer switches on revealing a Max Headroom image of ULTRAWOMAN. Everyone turns and looks at it. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Thank-Thank-Thank you are for cuh cuh-cuh-coming. THAD ...the hell is this? ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM I am a computer-puter program constructed to simulate the thought patterns and personality of Ul-Ul Ultrawoman. CRACKA That's very stu-stu-stupid. BLACK PUMA You mean you can understand what we're saying and respond? ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Yes-Yes-Yes. DONNER Good! Then tell us what's going on! ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Bef-f-f-f-f-f-fore going out into space, Nightflyer initiated a program that would go into effect if the deep space s-s-s-s-sensors did not detect any signals from Justice Squad over a three-three three month period-period. This program was designed to seek replacements for fallen Justice Squad me-me-members. THAD Hey, yeah... I remember that. We were all given a questionnaire asking us which superhero would we like to replace us if we were killed. So, that's what all these people are here for? ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Correct. Ultrawoman chose Jellyfish Monkey-Man to replace her because of his leadership abilities. Everyone looks around. DONNER Well, where is he? IVY steps forward. She has a cigarette in her mouth. IVY Couldn't make it. Too many responsibility or some such rubbish. Personally, I just think he didn't want to hang around with a bunch of yanks. DONNER Who the hell are you? IVY Name's Ivy. Member of Justice Squad Europe. The Monkey-Man sent me in his place. DONNER I've never heard of you. IVY Only been doing this bit for a few months. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Cay-Cay-Capeman chose The Texan as his replacement because of his great strength. Nightflyer chose Black Puma because Black Puma is currently the 17th greatest detective in the world. BLACK PUMA Don't give me that qualifications crap. I was chosen because The Man felt like this little whitey-only club needed a token black man on the team. A beat. DONNER What man? BLACK PUMA What man? The man who thinks that a white cat is pretty while a black cat is bad luck. The man who thinks that a white hat means you're a good guy while a man in a black hat means he's gonna rob yo' ass. The same man that white washes a fence to keep it pretty drives his car over a black-top. The man that-- ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM ZIP IT, PUMA! BLACK PUMA Aw, for crying out... ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Cosmic-Cosmic Weasel chose his former partner, Dr. Wham to be his replacement. Lu-Luna chose her sister Nova. Devour chose Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Dog Comic Dog. TRIUMPH THE INSULT COMIC DOG Did I tell you my joke about how a big pussy wanted me? EVERYONE Yes! ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM The Blue Fairy chose his son, Jack McKinsey to be his replacement since Jack will inherit his powers. Jack says nothing. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Sea Man chose the Purple Helmet as his re-re-replacement. Everyone snickers. Purple Helmet stands. PURPLE HELMET Hey, I'm happy to be that man's replacement! I know you all made fun of his name, constantly... but he was a good man and a brave soul and I hope to God that I have a little of that heroism that he demonstrated in my heart! Everyone stops laughing and looks a little guilty. PURPLE HELMET That's right... I have Sea Man in me... and when I stand erect in the face of danger, I hope that Sea Man comes gushing out of me and washes all fear and evil away! Everyone starts snickering again. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Obviously, Flippo the Clown was chosen because he is Bippo's twin brother. FLIPPO THE CLOWN EVIL twin brother! DONNER So, uh... What's Chevy Chase doing here? The camera zooms back revealing Chevy Chase sitting there twiddling his thumbs. CHEVY CHASE Just chillin'. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Mr. Chase w-w-was Quasar's choice. THAD I should have known he wouldn't take this replacement thing seriously. We're sorry we wasted your time, Mr. Chase. CHEVY CHASE Hey, hey, hey... I'm a member of Justice Squad now, right? I feel I have a certain... (He looks over at Nova and Ivy's bodies) ...duty to grasp, feel, caress, and fondle my role in this team. If it's okay with you, I'd like to stay. DONNER You're the worst member ever. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Not quite. This is Co-Colossal Chunk's replacement. They look. On a table is a lava lamp. DR. WHAM What, is he behind the lava lamp? Ultrawoman Headroom shakes her head no. DR. WHAM It's the lava lamp, isn't it? Ultrawoman Headroom nods. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM Juh-Juh-Justice Squad is dead... but the ideal that is Justice Squad can never die. As of right now, you are the world's great-greatest superhero force and it is up to you to maintain peace in the world. I can think of no better person to lead you... than Wolfman. Everyone looks at Thad. EVERYONE (Shocked) WHAT!? THAD (Even more shocked) WHAT!? DONNER Who? ULTRA-BABY Goo? BEEVO Moo? ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM True! As the only surviving member of Justice Squad, the burden of duty falls on Wolfman's shoulders. He's a good man, a good hero, and a good solider. He will serve you well. Everyone is looking up at the monitor. ULTRAWOMAN HEADROOM That's it... That's the end of the speech. You all have work to do and I suggest you all get to it. Good luck, Justice Squad. I have a feeling you're going to need it. The monitor goes dark replaced by a "made on a MAC" caption. Black Puma rubs a tear from his eye. Cracka looks and smiles at the show of emotion. BLACK PUMA I got something in my eye. Don't look at me like that, you Dairy Queen hunger buster eatin' fool! DONNER (To Thad) You okay? THAD In three months, I've gone from the person who quit Justice Squad to the person who's running it. DONNER You up to it? The alarms start going off. ALARMS TROUBLE ALERT! TROUBLE ALERT! TROUBLE ALERT! Thad transforms into WOLFMAN. WOLFMAN We'll see. Justice Squad, let's move out! Wolfman runs out the door. Justice Squad follows except for Donner, Ultra-Baby, Chevy Chase, and Triumph who just stand there. Donner calmly walks over to the computer and looks at something. After ten seconds, everyone in Justice Squad runs back into the room. WOLFMAN Uh... Where do we...? DONNER Looks like Great Britnia. IVY Robo-Britney's country? What is that little sleezebag tart up to now? DONNER This alert... it's not about Robo Britney. It's a request for help... FROM Robo-Britney! MUSIC STING!!! CUT TO: EXT. GREAT BRITNIA The palace is surrounded by fires and explosions. The once gigantic building is pot marked and scorched by weapons fire. INT. THE THRONE ROOM ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME is sitting in the throne surrounded by several Britney duplicates. They are frantically going over a plan. Suddenly, there is a transporter effect and WOLFMAN, THE TEXAN, BEEVO, BLACK PUMA, CRACKA, PURPLE HELMET, IVY, NOVA, FLIPPO THE CLOWN, JACK MCKINSEY, and DOCTOR WHAM are standing there. Robo-Britney Prime stands and marches over to them. ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME Who are you!? What are you doing here? Speak now and die! WOLFMAN Relax, your royal jugginess. It's Justice Squad. Robo-Britney looks and squints. ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME They are not Justice Squad. What is this treachery? WOLFMAN We're the new Justice Squad. It's a long story. Now, tell me what's going on here. Robo-Britney gives them a disapproving look. WOLFMAN Hey, if you want we'll just beam out of here and let you handle whatever's going on by yourself. It looks like you're doing a bang up job so far. ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME All right, all right, all right! Great Britnia is under attack by a malfunctioning Robo-Britney duplicate. THE TEXAN A? You mean as in one? ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME Correct. FLIPPO THE CLOWN So, why don't you waste the little crumpet yourself? ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME During the last upgrade done to The Britney's systems by Haguleria, there was a stipulation added to The Britney's programming. No Britney may harm another. IVY Looks like the wonky Britney isn't having any trouble breaking that rule. ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME True... But that is where the word "malfunction" comes in. WOLFMAN So, all we have to do is stop this malfunctioning Robo-Britney? Help an enemy who has tried to kill us a lot? What's in it for us? ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME If you save The Britney, The Britney will reward you with the greatest treasure The Britney has to offer. WOLFMAN That and you continue to uphold your promise to do no harm anyone as long as you remain leader of this country! ROBO-BRITNEY PRIME Deal. BLACK PUMA Then what are we waiting for? Let's go kick some white jailbait ass! Black Puma grabs Cracka and leaps out the window. WOLFMAN Hey, wait! EXT. GREAT BRITNIA - OUTSIDE THE PALACE We see the remains of several hundred Robo-Britneys piled up on either side of the street. In the middle of the street is a lone figure... MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY! Black Puma and Cracka land in front of her. BLACK PUMA All right, you fake breast havin', no booty possessin', banshee voiced white bitch! Prepare for justice... BLACK JUSTICE! MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY Do not make The Britney laugh. Robo-Britney rips a street lamp out of the ground and swings at Black Puma and Cracka with it like a baseball bat. Black Puma ducks out the way, but Cracka gets knocked into a building. CRACKA BLORG! No sooner are Black Puma and Cracka out of the way, THE TEXAN swoops in on his flying longhorn, Beevo! Bevo kicks Robo Britney in the back of the head as The Texan leaps off. THE TEXAN All right, little lady. I think it's high time you settled down. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY THE BRITNEY WILL NOT SETTLE DOWN! THE TEXAN Then I guess I just gotta get tough then, sweetheart. The Texan takes out a glowing lasso and throws it at Robo Britney tying her up. She looks down at the ropes and sneers. THE TEXAN That there is the magical rope of Texas, sweetheart. You can't break it no matter how strong you are and it makes you... GAH! Robo-Britney starts spinning around in a circle incredibly fast. The Texan is yanked off his feet leaving his boots behind and is pulled along in a circle. Finally, he looses his grip and crashes into a building destroying it. PURPLE HELMET (O.S.) PURRRRRRRRRRRRPLE HELLLLLLLLLLLMET! MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY What the...? Robo-Britney sees Purple Helmet flying towards her like a missle. Robo-Britney rolls her eyes and steps out of the way. Purple Helmet zooms past her and gets lodged in a suggestive hole in a building. PURPLE HELMET Hey, I'm stuck! Purple Helmet tries to pull himself out, but only succeeds in a very naughty looking thrusting motion. Robo-Britney calmly takes the rope off of herself. DR. WHAM (O.C.) Yo, she-bitch! Robo-Britney looks. Doctor Wham and Nova are standing down the street. DR. WHAM Let's dance. Robo-Britney starts running towards them. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY The Britney has had enough of you Bruce Campbell quoting insolent fools! NOVA NOW! Nova and Doctor Wham pulls out machine guns and starts shooting at Robo-Britney. Robo-Britney becomes pot-marked with bullets and slows. She falters and falls down flat on her face apparently dead. DR. WHAM I'm out of ammo. NOVA I used all but one clip out of my ninety-eight. DR. WHAM Nice to see you exercise some restraint there, Nova. What the...? They look. Robo-Britney is standing up. The bullet-holes shrink and disappear completely in a silver liquid metal effect. NOVA That was unexpected. Robo-Britney's hands turn silver and liquidy and extend to form two giant swords. DR. WHAM Holy Terminator 2, Batman! Robo-Britney rushes towards them. Doctor Wham leaps for cover as Nova unsheathes two swords and starts to have a spectacularly choreographed sword fight with Britney. WOLFMAN, IVY, JACK, and FLIPPO are hiding behind a wall. FLIPPO THE CLOWN Whoa! Looks like Britney didn't exactly tell us everything about this malfunctioning Britney-Bot, huh? WOLFMAN How the heck are we going to be able to fight something like that? Jack, can you... I don't know... turn it into a frog or something? JACK MCKINSEY Sure, Thad... Right after I pull a rabbit out of my ass. IVY Look, if it's a robot - metal or liquid metal - that means it's electrical, right? WOLFMAN Uh... maybe. IVY I've got a plan... I just need to get close enough to it. NOVA and ROBO-BRITNEY are still fighting. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY You are good, Nova, but The Britney is better, faster... NOVA Chunkier. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY YOU SWINE! YOU DIE NOW! Wolfman swings down from a building and clobbers Robo-Britney with a swift kick. NOVA (To Wolfman) What are you doing!? WOLFMAN Take cover! We have a way to beat her, Nova! NOVA Like hell! Out of my way! Nova pushes Wolfman out of the way and charges at Robo Britney. WOLFMAN What are you doing!? Nova, no! Nova and Robo-Britney resume the fight. Nova slices into Robo-Britney, but Robo-Britney morphs around the blade, grabs it, and throws it to the side. Nova uses a smaller sword to block another attack. WOLFMAN (Into communicator) Ivy, don't...! BLAM! There is a flash of lighting. Suddenly, Ivy is standing behind Robo-Britney. Nova is thrown backwards. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY Who are you? How dare you interrupt The Britney during... IVY I got that Boom Boom, bitch! Ivy points at Britney and a lighting bolt shoots out of her finger at Britney. Britney begins to waver and shake... loosing control of her shape-shifting abilities and melting into a puddle of liquid metal. MALFUNCTIONING ROBO-BRITNEY (dying) Oops... they did it again! FADE TO: EXT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER The spire of the tower is lighted again and back in business. INT. THE WAR ROOM All of the new Justice Squad are there seated around the table. Donner is standing in the back of the room holding Zalika. Justice Squad is laughing about the adventure, but Wolfman doesn't look very happy. THE TEXAN ...and then, BLAM! Ivy blasts her with some electrical thingy! What was that anyway? IVY (Lights a cigarette) I have electrically based powers. I can fry any sodding bastard from a hundred yards if I want to. I can also go electric and travel through power lines. BLACK PUMA That is some cool stuff, little white mama. IVY Not to mention that we convinced Robo-Britney has dumped her plans to upgrade herselves into liquid metal Britneys. Though, after that malfunction of the prototype, it wasn't hard to do. DR. WHAM Yeah, I think we did pretty good for our first time out. WOLFMAN Oh, is that what you think? 'Cause I think you all sucked. Silence. IVY Say that again, mate? WOLFMAN I've seen gangs of villains and street thugs that were more organized than we were today. We're lucky that Ivy didn't fry Nova when she wouldn't stand down. We're lucky that Cracka didn't get killed from Black Puma's grandstanding. We're lucky that Nova and Doctor Wham didn't shoot any passersby, or that the Texan and Purple Helmet didn't collapse any buildings with anyone in them! THE TEXAN Now you just wait a minute... WOLFMAN No, YOU just wait a minute. I'm the team leader here and this is Justice Squad, not some club for little girls. We need to get organized or all those people out there waiting to take over the world are going to have us for lunch next time. The word is out that the old team is gone and we're it... the last best hope for the planet. If you can't put your damn egos aside for five minutes to realize that, then you just need to walk right now! Wolfman storms out of the room. Donner - looking a little shocked - watches him go and then takes off after him. The new Justice Squad sits there looking equally shocked. INT. THE TRANSPORT BAY Donner enters with Ultra-Baby. DONNER Hey, Wolfie? You in here? I think you spooked everyone back there with... Donner turns a corner. Wolfman has turned back into Thad and is curled up in a corner crying. DONNER Hey, you okay? THAD Do I look like I'm okay? I'm in over my head! I can't lead a super hero team! I can't do any of the things Ultrawoman did! I mean, look at me! I'm crying like a baby! ULTRA-BABY Goo? THAD I just stormed out of that room and it started and I just couldn't stop it! Donner sits down next to him. DONNER Thad, it's okay. You've been hiding your emotions from the team to make yourself look strong. You take all that pain and hurt you have brewing and shove it up your butt so that no one could see it. Problem with doing that is, sooner or later you're going to fart and the smell will make you cry. THAD What are we going to do, Donner? DONNER I don't know, Thad. But whatever comes our way we're just going to have to face it with a unwavering positive attitude. THAD Positive attitude? DONNER Positive attitude. One of the transport tubes comes to life. ROBO-BRITNEY materializes inside of it and looks around. A liquid metal effect ripples up her body. She looks at Donner and Thad. DONNER It's liquid metal Britney! THAD What the hell are you doing here? ROBO-BRITNEY I have been sent from Great Britnia as payment for your services. DONNER (raises eyebrow) Payment? ROBO-BRITNEY I am here to serve as a member of Justice Squad. Thad and Donner look on in shock. Thad looks at Donner. THAD Great Britnia sent us a potentially dangerous and malfunctioning killbot to join Justice Squad. Is this one of those positive attitude moments? DONNER Positive attitude my ass! We're doomed! FADE OUT: THE END

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