I sat quietly as the bus bumped along. My heart set blared out songs that my ears didn’t hear. My eyes wandered the bus following thoughts that I wished with all my soul that I didn’t have. The day ahead of me filled me with excitement, and happiness, but my thoughts kept roaming back to something that made my heart plummet and soar all at the same moment.

My eyes locked with his a moment , and my heart skipped a beat. A voice called from the back of my head.

Tell him. Talk to him. He needs to be told, he needs to know.

But another voice answered arguing.

Tell him and loose his friendship.

What friendship?

True… but he will be happier not knowing.

But what if he does feel the same, what if the signs he seems to be sending are really there but he’s afraid to tell me because he thinks I don’t care for him that way anymore?

But what if he doesn’t feel the same and you are just opening up old wounds?

True. But I care so much… he should be told it is his right.

But if he doesn’t want to be told then he then it is his right to be left alone too.

That true. But I care so much.

I know…. But its not fair to tell him.

Its not fair not to.

I watched him, he was staring pointedly out the window, as my internal struggle continued unabated, neither side winning neither side giving in.

I shook my head and let my eyes wander once more. It was pointless. But yet I still felt the same for him pointless or not. There was nothing to gain by it but there was also nothing to lose.

My eyes met another’s. The looked at me and raised his eyebrows mouthing 2 words. “DO IT.” I sighed and let my head fall forward against the seat.

You heard the man. Do it.

You’ll regret it.

Do it.

Don’t.

Remember….

And I did….

Summer, the boy was there all smiles and grins. We were at a friends house. We were there to play a game. We spent most of the day immersed in the game and in each other. Our eyes kept meeting, we shared small smiles, and laughs. Looks that no one else saw. Then the game dispersed. We went to the computer and played a game there instead. We laughed. And smiled. He made a joke, I laughed and then spotted a father duster on the table. I looked from him to it and then picked it up. He looked from me to the duster, and then a look if mock horror and fright, his eyes sparkling as he tried not to grin, and the turned and ran. I was hot on his tail laughing. He looked over his shoulder, his face alight with a pure joy I had never seen there, a joy that was unrestrained, unchained, unguarded…

I looked up in the present to see him looking away from me, a guarded expression on his face. Always guarded. But that one day he had been free he had been himself with me, for me.

I told you… he cared that day, perhaps he cares now. Merely guarding his heart afraid to trust.

But remember also…

And I did….

I saw him at school just after the summer vacation, he passed me in the hall and I smiled and said hi, he glanced up at me grunted a greeting and hurried past. His face guarded again.

He also closed himself off to you again. He made his choice, don’t do this again.

You have to try.

Do you really want to bear your heart to him again, do you really want to show to him again that you care, hand over your heart so that he may crush it again. Do you really and truly wish to feel that pain again? He will say no we all know this or he will do worse, he will turn from you again without an answer. He will leave you wondering again, striving to find an answer in his silence, and you will feel the pain and confusion all over again. Is that what you want.

But think of the pain found in your silence, think of the joy that could be found in your speech. You have told so many others that love and relationships, caring about a person is about risks and sacrifices, for once take your own advice. You’ve taken risks be fore…

And all you got was pain.

But you also got things you will never forget. You have to know the truth because as much as it will hurt if no is the answer that wound will heal and fade, if you do not ask the wound will fester and grow worse. Ask him, tell him, speak the truth and find the truth.

and so I looked to him once more and my decision was made…

I would tell him. Others showed their courage by rushing into battle, others traveled strange lands discovering great things. I would spill my heart and soul to a boy that I loved, was there any true comparison? I’m not sure, but it felt like after this I could take on anything. For they merely faced death… I faced the torture of a humiliated, ridiculed broken heart.