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And as you slipped and fell, it made me wonder why I watched; yet I never did like your company. So I watched. And smirked. And turned away as you screamed.

It was a day I remember well. I...can't forget it. It won't leave my mind; that very scream wakes me from my sleep night after night. Why won’t you let me sleep, just once, in peace? Come on now, must you haunt me forever? We were allies, after all. Companions traveling side by side, close acquaintances, collaborators who supported one another through the toughest of battles! And as you slipped and fell…

You can’t blame me! Us never being real friends is as much as your fault as it is mine! You could have tried to become buddy-buddy with me, I swear it would not have been hard. Blame your death on yourself. I; however, would like to return to my slumber without your voice screaming into my mind restlessly. …It made me wonder why I watched.

Day by day passing -- lack of sleep increasing -- feeling longer and drawn out. I can’t stay awake through the days and nearly collapse from overtiring… I became a mercenary, after your passing, and managed to get money that way. Couldn’t get a “normal” job because someone kept me lying awake, wide eyed, at night. Thanks a lot, pal. I hate you too, really, I do. So with that settled…get the hell out of my head, please. …Yet I never did like your company.

Another week in passing. Why are you doing this still? Why are you causing me to suffer? I hate y --. Never mind. I can’t say that anymore. I can’t…get the words to form on my lips or in my thoughts. I can’t hate you. What have you done to me? Just look at what you’ve done to me! …But you can’t. Because you’re dead. Because I allowed you to die when I could have grabbed your hand. …So I watched.

A month now…your voice hasn’t let me alone. I’m laughing now…damned amused by the whole this. My ex-comrade plays with my mind at night to screw over my whole life, and it works. I’m not completely screwed over, mind you, just kind of like the walking dead. Unlike you: you’re the haunting dead. I’m…no longer a mercenary… Couldn’t take it…the effort was too much for my tired body to handle. I spend my time sitting under that tree we used to eat lunch under every two months when we came back into this area. It’s in full bloom. The apple blossoms fall around me in the breeze and despite the soft nature of it all, the village kids call the tree cursed and me a demon-ghost. I told them they’re right, the tree is cursed with your soul and I’n a demon-ghost who should be dead; I do look it, anyway. I did my part, so why don’t you do some role playing yourself and go haunt them instead of me? …And smirked.

The year that finished going by has been the worst, though you have allowed me to sleep more. You quieted down every so often and I figured you got bored. Or…you abandoned me. Is that what you did? Are you just going to leave me now? You can’t! I…don’t want you to. It’ll make me alone. I don’t want to be… It was my fault and mine alone that we were never friends. I didn’t care. I didn’t want friends, why would I need them? They would just get in the way… And now I see that even with all I pushed you away from me, my heart latched on at some point. And I watched you die. I smirked because it meant I wouldn’t have to push you back anymore. I… …and turned away as you screamed.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please, you left me completely now, would you just come back! Without your scream, as painful as it is to hear every night, I can’t remember your voice. And it hurts. I want to remember…It’s so stupid, all this time has past after you die and my mind finally tells me that I care. I cared then and I care desperately now. …Is that why you’ve left my mind? Because I realized this? The apple tree is dead, as I’m sitting beneath it again, shaking. You’re no longer restless, are you? So you left… But aren’t you alone too? …I understand now.

A week passed by painfully, my body frail and scathed as I managed to make it back to the place of you’re death. The wind picked up and I oddly wondered if it was you, touching out to me. I’ll touch back. Just give me a few moments to stare gloomily over this area. No…we won’t be dying the same. I’m terribly afraid of heights, you know that, and therefore I can’t will myself to fall, even if it’s for you. But you were wounded before you slipped and the rain carried you down…your blood, a normal person couldn’t see it, but I can. I see it…and I smile as mine joins it, twisting a dagger into me. I refuse to let you be alone, or to be alone myself.

What will you do when you see me? Somehow I think I know…

So I watched.

You’ll probably laugh at me, shake your head and turn away. Then you’ll call me an idiot and scold with annoyance that I took long enough. Sorry about that, it took me awhile to find myself.

And smirked.

My blood joins your stains that only I can see. My body laying flat, hand grazing the edge of the cliff that you fell over. Rain starts out of nowhere and I can’t help but wonder if you’re weeping for me. Don’t. Don’t cry over me, I took my life to be with you, because it’s my fault that you’re there. I miss you, dammit. Miss you, love you, want to be with you, ok? So you may want to stop this rain and your tears…but I guess I can’t make you.

And turned away as you screamed.

I want to be with you. Let’s haunt that dead apple tree, together.

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ShadowSpirit ’04

Don’t ask me where this came from.