This is for Michael.

Admire

I have deep admiration for you. The way you manage to seem so together and true to yourself, the entire way you are.

You're so beautiful. When I first met you, all I could think of to describe you was 'otherworldly'. You seemed to be from some beautiful androgynous planet where people are raised to behave according to their insides, not their anatomy. They don't do that here, so Why are you like that? I wondered. How do you manage to seem free in a world trying to imprison you?

Then I realized that the reason is because you're brave. You could cower in fear of the gender binary system - that would be easy. It would be easy right up to the part where it killed you because hiding yourself, forcing yourself to conform until there is no you anymore will always kill you. But it's still so much easier than holding your head up the way you do and being the beautiful yet complex version of gender expression that still gathers hideous reactions.

They say ugly things, they do uglier things, I've heard them. Or you tell me about them, in passing, on the way to other points, between other stories, like it's no big deal. I wonder if it is to you, whether you're just trying not to throw pity parties, or whether you really don't notice anymore just how many battles you face and fight. The strength with which you do so puts you higher up to me than most everyone I've ever met. That's bravery. As long as you're there being brave, daring to be who you are despite it all, you have all my admiration.