Author's Note: I wrote this according to my feelings. This isn't made up,
it's true. It's what really went on and goes on in my real life. I know
it'll probably seem boring but I wanted to type it and put it out there just because I wanted to. So you can read if you want.. just don't complain
about it.

Nothing In This World

Is there anything more painful? When you hear those words that are telling you that the relationship is over. Everything you'd held close for so long, now suddenly over just like that. Of course you have to understand where this is coming from. This is coming from a person who doesn't know much about anything really. Especially love and relationships..

I never was one who anyone liked that much. When I started high school it was like entering a new world. A world beyond belief. However, the advice from a long lost friend still echoed in my mind. "Once you enter high school, you'll find a boyfriend." Yeah. I sure did.

My first boyfriend I dated off and on for two years. Making it a total of 4 times.

The second one I had was a guy that just dated me out of pity, I'm sure. He felt sorry for me because the boyfriend just mentioned was a jerk who enjoyed threatening people. Everyone was sure he was going to hurt me. Everyone warned me that he was dangerous. So. This guy here just dated me out of pity and ended up basically cheating on me with a friend who was engaged to a guy of her own. No surprise.

The third one, well I can't really consider the third one. He was shy and he was new. I wonder what happened to him. Oh well. He was the first one of my sophomore year. He was a freshman. Joy beyond belief, trust me. So he eventually disappeared or something, after I started dating the first boyfriend for the second time.

The fourth, well I think that was a close friend. Trust me, when you've been friends with someone for as long as I had, it just doesn't seem right. Well it wasn't that I'd been friends with him forever or something it's just that the year before, my freshman year, I'd complained to him everyday in gym class about how bad my relationship was with the first boyfriend. It just seemed odd. That lasted about a month, I think. Of course in the middle of it I think we had a week or a week and a half of snow days. It was okay.

The fifth, he was another good friend. There were way too many problems from the very beginning. That lasted about 3 days before I told him we were better off as friends. I felt so uncomfortable when I dated him. So I decided that being friends was indeed a lot better.

The sixth, he was another friend (notice a trend here?). We dated a little over a month. It wasn't much fun. I mean at first it was, but then he really got on my nerves. All he wanted to do was to touch me and that's definitely a big no no for me. A little is okay but he was constantly touching me which ended up driving me crazy, therefore I recruited my best friend (now ex-best friend) into breaking up with him. Yes, I know, I'm pathetic. I know it was probably the worst thing I could do, but that's okay. I'll live. He lived just fine.

The seventh, that was the one that caused me to write this thing. I met him my sophomore year in applied geometry (yes we were both so smart we had to take applied). However. At first I didn't know him too well. I knew him as the guy that no one really liked. Well when I was in gym the year before he had health and sometimes the health class would come in the gym. He'd try to talk to me and I'd try to escape him. I didn't want to talk to him. He was one of those people that everyone made up rumors about. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wasn't stuck up, I'd talk to just about anyone. He just frightened me. So, the next year when I started talking to him in geometry I found he wasn't that bad.

Our loving friendship started out with him sitting two seats back from me saying "Hey!" or "Doris!" which nearly made me lose my mind. So. After we got past the annoying stage, we began to talk. We'd help each other in class. So the first seat change came about and he moved up behind me, just so he could annoy me easier. At first our friendship was basically just a class thing and a "hi" in the hallway once in a while. Then after a while he gave me his s/n and I'd talk to him online.

So, the school year went on. We'd always make sure to be close to each other in seating so we could talk. The teacher always let us, I guess she didn't mind the fact that me and him would pass notes during class and talk and everything. No wonder we both nearly failed. So as time went on, I started to think I was developing feelings for him, as more then a friend. It'd happened before and I knew I couldn't let it affect me. So then somewhere in May of that school year he told me something that completely killed my world. I don't think I should put it here, for I know if he ever read this he wouldn't want anyone to know. So, it didn't stop me. It just gave me more fuel to try to make him like me.

Summer came finally. So I talked to him online and after some persuading of the first boyfriend, I told him how I felt. Apparently at first it didn't matter. He told me he was flattered and left it at that. Also he said that he had a feeling that I did. That really didn't help the matter any. So I spent the summer depressed, as I'd later find I was spending much of my time doing. I only saw him once that summer and it was when I was with my ex-best friend.

Summer.. as it usually does, went by quickly. Soon it was time for me to return to school with him. So I continued my quest to try to make him like me. In the meantime I was trying to get back with my first boyfriend. He became, jealous I guess I could say, because I spent more time paying attention to Jimmy and the girl he was talking to, then I did him. So, a while later, not too long after, I told this first boyfriend that I'd date him after homecoming which was October 4th. I was planning on going to homecoming with Jimmy, so I thought that it'd just make me feel better if I waited until after homecoming.

The next day was a Saturday, I believe. I came home and got on the internet, not expecting anything special since I'd spent the day assisting in the carrying of heavy objects. So Jimmy was online and we began to talk. I don't think we talked that long when... he just suddenly asked me out. I was so shocked it was unbelievable. I was also ecstatic. So of course I said yes. That was Saturday September 20. That Monday, I think, I started riding the bus with him. Time flew by and soon I found it was time for homecoming. I got a dress and everything. I mean I didn't spend too much time getting ready, as I don't look good at all and I wasn't interested in trying to make what already sucked, suck more.

Homecoming came and went. The next weekend I went out of town. If only I would've known that the horrible time I had there was only foreshadowing what was about to happen. So the weekend out of town sucked. Where we went was packed with people, as there were about 50 million things going on at once. So. We came back Sunday night and I didn't bother trying to tell anyone I was back because I knew they'd know the next day when I showed up to school. The next day seemed fine. It was Monday October 13. That date is burnt into my memory. The school day went pretty well, as far as I can remember, he walked home with me from the bus. We had a nice conversation. I told him I loved him and he made a joke about that he was going to write down every time I told him that I loved him so he'd have a record. I laughed too and he headed on home and I went in my house. I did my homework and got on the internet.

That evening after I ate dinner, I came back and got on the internet. I was talking to him. Everything seemed to be going well until suddenly he says, "Would you cry if I broke up with you?" I was, of course shocked, but I immediately replied, "Yes, of course, after I got done being pissed off at you." Then I thought for a moment and asked, "Why? Are you honestly thinking about breaking up with me?" I thought maybe an eternity passed before he replied, "Honestly, yes. I just want to be friends again." That's how it ended. Someone could've ripped my heart out with their bare hands and it wouldn't have hurt nearly as bad.

I got offline and went to take a bath. When I returned I asked him why. I asked him a million things but all he said was sorry. Sorry couldn't even BEGIN to take away the pain. After he wouldn't tell me anything I began to form opinions of my own. I knew his friends hated me. I knew they didn't want me to date him, they all wanted him to date his ex-girlfriend. I began to think that while I was away over the weekend that they'd talked him into breaking up with me. I even began to think that maybe he broke up with me because of his ex-girlfriend. It drove me crazy. He wouldn't tell me anything.

I wish I could say I got right over it. I wish I could say that I shrugged it off and just said "Forget that jerk." Nope, nothing like that. I became unbelievably depressed. I started to cut more and more often. I would snap at anyone, even people who I'd know better then to do that at. I got threatened by a girl from another school, who was going to beat me up over things I never said. A girl at my own school was going to beat me up because I must've said something to her and I didn't know it. It mattered very little to me. All I knew was the depression left by him. I kept talking to him, I couldn't handle not having him around. I couldn't handle having him around either. All fall and winter I was depressed. I cut all the time just to keep the pain in check. As in a way to punish myself for what I did. Or the lack of knowledge of what I did. I quit telling him I cared, even though I did. He acted like what I was doing was making life harder for him. Let him be me for a moment.

Spring came around, after the long, hard, cold winter. He was going to graduate in the May. About two or three weeks before his last day he began to show interest in me again. I was thrilled. I knew all my hard work would pay off some time. I tried harder and harder until the day, May 20th, he came over to my house and asked me out again. I was soooo happy. It was beyond anything. So I was happy again, he was back to being my boyfriend and all the balance was right in the universe. Correct? No.

I attended his graduation on May 29th. It was very sad for me, because I didn't want to see him leave. I knew he was happy and I was proud of him. I knew that he'd been waiting for that moment for a long time. Ever since he started in that miserable place. Everything was great, I didn't even really cry. Which surprised me, because I was sure I'd cry my eyes out. It went smoothly and he graduated. I was so happy for him.

My birthday came about on June 9th. A dog we had had to get an operation that day.. and I was afraid it'd be a disaster and my 17th birthday would end up going to hell. Jimmy called me twice that day. Never once wishing me happy birthday, which he later said was because he forgot. I pretended to be angry with him, I felt that I'd have all the time in the world to tell him that I wasn't really angry with him. It always seems that I assume I can pretend to be angry with someone and then have all the time in the world to tell them I'm sorry.

Nothing ever works out how I plan. That conversation where I pretended to be angry occurred on Friday, June 11th. I don't think I was online on Saturday but on Sunday I got on. He didn't get online all day and that didn't surprise me. He has such a popular life. Ha. Anyway. So I wasn't surprised when he wasn't online. The next day. Monday June 14th, really took all my life and really threw it to hell. I read his profile on AOL and in the part where you put where you live, his said Ohio. I read it quite a few times before it sank in. He moved away without telling me.

So what does that make me look like? What's the first thing that goes through your mind? Okay, so anyway. I become very angry and tell him I can't keep up a long distance relationship with someone who can't even tell me they're going to move. I told him that I wasn't angry on that Friday when we talked and I told him that I was sorry. He told me that he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to tell him to stay. To me it just seemed like the first time we dated, he didn't want to have anything to do with me. He never wanted to date me and I'm sure it was out of pity the first time anyway. The first boyfriend told me that he thought that Jimmy did it to shut me up. It wouldn't surprise me.

He moved back sometime. I didn't bother to remember that date, it wasn't important. The first thing I did when I learned he moved away was bottle up all the feelings I felt for him in the back corner of my mind. I replaced it with anger and hate. When he moved back, he began talking to me again. Slowly the hate disappeared and the anger left as well. All that was left were those bottled up feelings in the back of my mind. I tried to keep them hidden but it's hard to do.

I've cared so much about him for so long. We're so much alike and have so much in common. We know each other better than we know ourselves. We have some kind of little bond like thing going on where we can say the same thing at the same time, practically finish each other's sentences, and even think the same thing. If he's depressed, then I feel depressed. Even if we don't know how the other is feeling that day. There's so much about him I like so much. However, I'm stupid and I can't learn from the past.

Last night I tried to tell him how I was feeling without actually telling him. I wanted him to know that I still hold feelings for him somewhere deep inside of me. I know that he doesn't care. I know he just wants to be friends with me but I can't help it. Maybe I am just stupid. Maybe I am just pathetic but I know what I feel. I'm tired of keeping everything bottled up.

The title of this is Nothing In This World, for a reason. There's a song called "Nothing In This World" by Hoku. It reminds me exactly of how me and Jimmy were the first time he broke up with me. He told me that nothing in this world would come between us and that there'd be nothing that would make him leave me. He said he'd never make me cry. Then the part that goes "the promises we break are never what we planned" is exactly how it is. However, I think he planned to break those promises before he even got them out of his mouth. I know it doesn't matter now.. but it does to me. It matters a lot to me and I just wish he'd feel the same way.

That's it. The point of this wasn't to bore anyone to death but to get my feelings out. The point wasn't to explain about my past relationships or anything. I just wanted to get my feelings out somewhere where it'd be read by strangers who'd either think I'm a complete fool or something else. So this is all true and that's it.