Everything appeared so dark, even the bright April sun appeared as
thought it was darker as Kristen Walker slowly passed down the hall. Her
hair, long and dark, was hanging in her eyes and a large grey sweater
covered her petite body. The air was chilly, and although happy
conversation occurred around her, she remained sullen and quiet while
thoughts rushed around in her mind, causing her head to literally spin.
Across the hall, she saw him. At first she hadn't been sure she had
actually seen him; there had been more then one occasion when it appeared
that she could see his golden hair, but this time when the guy turned
around it was his ice cold eyes staring quickly at her. She looked away as
hastily as possible, staring at the ground or the sign above his head,
anything but his those eyes that once again had caught her glances at him.
Of course in the beginnings, these awkward glances had been filled
with both hatred and want. Now, as she stole another glance, she wondered
how she felt about him. That morning, she had sat in her bathroom and cried
about the situation until her eyes were red and blotchy, and her mascara
had run half way down her face. Her eyeliner had smudged, and she had ended
up looking worse then she intended, but she didn't care anymore. Maybe, he
would look at her and see how much of a mess her life was in.
She snapped back into reality, as she noticed him laughing in his
group of friends. Of course he wouldn't realize what she was going through.
He could barely care about anyone's existence but his own, and she wasn't
even going to tell him the hell that he was putting her through, even if it
was unintentional. She shook her head, and turned her concentration to the
people standing beside her but it was impossible. Her eyes kept wondering,
and landing on him; his bright smile and the way his laugh made his whole
"Kristen." She turned her attention in the direction of the voice,
and let out a small smile; it was the most she had smiled in days.
"I have to go." She said quickly, grabbing her bag and walking in the
other direction. Her stomach was churning violently, something that had
started previous days before. She walked quickly, keeping her eyes watching
the floor before her. Opening the door to the woman's bathroom, she stepped
inside and let the door close behind her. She glanced in the mirror
quickly, and noticed the dark circles under her eyes that she hadn't
Opening up the stall to the bathroom, she stepped inside and let her
bag drop down to her feet. Looking at the porcelain toilet bowl, she felt
her stomach heave, and then as she fell to her knees she heaved again and
felt herself gag. The sound of her coughing and gagging filled the bathroom
and she was glad that no one was around to hear her spill her breakfast. As
she fell back against the door of the stall, she wiped her chin with the
back of her hand. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she tried to hold
them back, but they spilled freely and she sobbed.
"Are you okay in there?" A girl asked. She must have come in while
Kristen had been gagging.
"I'm fine." She answered, flushing the toilet. Walking out of the
stall, she saw the suspicious look that she was giving her, and she gave
her a passing smile as she washed her hands at the sink and walked out of
Reaching into her book bag, she pulled out a pack of gum and popped a
couple pieces in her mouth. She didn't want to go to class and have people
notice the smell of vomit on her breath. It was bad enough that she looked
like hell lately; she didn't want people believing she had some kind of
eating disorder too, or at least not one where she threw up the things she
ate. She didn't care if she ever ate again. She could starve herself, and
lose a bunch of weight and then waste away and no one would even miss her.
As she walked into her English class, she saw Jason give her a
glance. Well, it was more like he was looking right through her, and that
hurt more then him looking at her. She took her seat, glanced once more in
his direction just wishing she could ruin his perfect existence, and then
sighed. It would be perfect. She could watch him smile brightly, walk up to
him and let him know what was going on, and then watch him drop to his
knees and begin to cry. Then she could walk away smiling, brighter then
she had in a month, because his life would officially be over. The thought
had passed through her mind continuously, more then anything else, but in
the end she knew that it would really change anything.
The teacher was standing before the class, talking and telling them
to copy notes. Kristen was sitting in her seat, her binder remaining
closed, and she was daydreaming. Well, not so much daydreaming as much as
playing the same scenario over in her hand again and again. She sighed. As
much as the though of watching her ex-boyfriend's life crash down around
him was appealing, she knew that she could never do anything like that to
him. He didn't ask for this, like she hadn't asked for this, and the
thought of burdening one more person with that fact was just another stress
in her life that she did not need.
He had told her plain and simply that he wanted to be alone and while
his definition of being alone right now seemed to include sex with many
different partners, telling him about her and her 'plus-one' was not going
to be the best idea. She laughed silently. It was funny, for so long she
had been thinking about any way that she could get him back, and now she
could have him in her life forever if she wanted, and she wasn't choosing
to use that power. She didn't know why she wasn't going to use that power,
but maybe she still loved him too much to use it. Even if her life was
about to change drastically, she couldn't and wouldn't pass it onto him.
"Kristen, do you have your homework done?" She looked up into her
teacher's stern eyes, and shook her head no. Huffing, the teacher walked
onto the next student. She knew what her teacher was thinking, she was
probably wondering the same thing everyone had been wondering lately- what
is wrong with her? Why does she look like hell lately? Why does she keep
wearing big baggy clothes lately? What happened?
Of course no one knew. She hadn't told a soul yet, and she wasn't
planning on telling one either. She couldn't tell her parents because the
thought of watching as her mother let out sobs of disappointment, and fell
to her knees asking 'oh god, why oh why?' was more then she could even
bare, and then they would tell her this was the moment when she had to make
a choice, and be an adult about the situation. She couldn't tell her
friends, because they too would tell her to make a decision, most likely a
decision to tell her parents. No matter what she did, a decision would be
made, an adult decision. And, Kristen wasn't an adult. She was sixteen; she
wasn't ready to make the decisions she was being faced with.
When class was over, she promptly left and rushed to her next class.
She knew that Jason's class was close to her own, and she didn't feel like
running into him. It was hard enough when he would talk to her over the
computer, telling her of the great girls he was screwing around with now
that she was out of his life. Every time he mentioned his latest conquest,
she would feel the tears swell up in her eyes, and she would grit her teeth
and stop herself from just typing what was wrong, and letting him know.
"Whoa, Kristen." She turned around and saw her friend Carly was
standing behind her. She smiled slightly, and slowed down so that she could
talk to her.
She had a concerned look on her face that had been prominent on many
of Kristen's friends the last couple weeks. Everyone seemed to be showing
signs of worry, but if they opened their eyes they could have easily have
figured out what was going on. "How are you?" She asked, with a tone of
worry and concern. "You okay?"
She kept her answers short. She didn't want to even think about
getting into it, because she feared that if she started talking, she would
never stop and everyone would know. She couldn't handle that, especially
because of the decisions. Maybe if she pretended that it wasn't happening
she could wake up in her bed and everything would have been a dream. She
would be the same old Kristen she had been a month ago; the same person she
had been before she had sat on the edge of the sink had her entire life
change. Her she was, one month later, and facing the most difficult
decisions of her life and she had no one around to help her.
Carly was still looking concerned. "Are you sure you are okay?"
"Yep." She tried to sound chipper, but ended up sounding even more
pathetic. She added an obviously fake smile to her face, "I should hurry,
and I don't want to be late." And she hurried down the hall away from her
friend and the rest of the world. She rushed into her classroom, and sat
down in her seat. Her stomach was churning, and she fought the urge to run
to the bathroom and throw up until her head spun and her body ached. She
didn't want to walk into that hall, and right into him. He would be smiling
as he walked down that hall, he always did, and he would look right through
her as he walked by. Every time she ran into him, she fought the urge to
break down and cry. She didn't want him thinking that he had hurt her, was
still hurting her. She wanted him to believe she was better off with out
him, and that she didn't even waste her thoughts or tears on him.
Unfortunately, she was lying to him as much as she was lying to herself.
Her second class flew by, well at least to her. It was no wonder that
her grades were suffering, she didn't do her work and she didn't pay
attention. Instead she would sit in her chair and think about everything
going on. It would have been easier if she had let someone, anyone, know
what was going on. Her thoughts and pain were eating away at her, and she
wasn't sure how long she could keep this thing hidden. Eventually, she
wouldn't be able to hide her secret, and when that happened the shit would
hit the fan. There were not enough large grey sweaters in the world to hide
what was happening to her.
School was over, and she was sitting on the bus, alone. It was a
shame that she was separating herself from her peers. They could have
helped her, but instead she just dealt with everything on her own. Walking
through life, her burden weighing herself down. She was cutting herself off
from the life she had once lived, filling her head with fears and hatred.
"Kristen." It was her mother, standing there about to go off to work.
She looked worried about her daughter, and she had been for days. It was no
wonder; she looked like the monster from the black lagoon. "How was
There they were, the only words she knew anymore. They came out of
her mouth automatically, without even thinking. Anytime anyone asked
anything about how she was, how things were, that was what she answered.
Then she would leave them standing there, still wondering what was going on
in her head. She retreated into her bedroom, tossed her bags down on her
bed, and opened up her diary. It was the only place she could let things
out, unfortunately her diary couldn't help her remove these problems from
her life. It could only allow her to read over her words again and again,
and question the situation even more.
She fell asleep, on a Friday afternoon, and didn't wake again until
the next morning. Her body was tired, fatigued, and it was no wonder. She
didn't eat much, unless she had too, and even then it wasn't much. She had
lost weight, which wasn't exactly healthy in her current situation, and it
She slipped on her jeans; they fell loose on her hips, and walked
down into her kitchen. Her mother and father were both sitting at the
table, and when she entered the room both there eyes fell on her. "Hi
Kristen." She nodded, and poured herself a glass of orange juice. She took
a sip, then poured the rest down the drain and walked back up into her
bedroom. Climbing under the covers, she melted into them. It would be
lovely if she could just fade into nothingness, and leave behind
everything. The thought appealed to her more then anything else, but she
didn't. It wasn't about her anymore; it was about more then her. She had to
keep on living if only for the child growing inside of her. It seemed
distressing to think it, but maybe if she did become a mother, she would
always have someone to love her. That thought had been there a lot lately,
and the more she thought about it, the more it become appealing. She had
dealt with losing so many people in her life, and now it appeared as though
she would finally have someone permanent in her life to love her: always
She shook her head. It was silly thought. She couldn't be a mother,
hell; she could barely take care of herself. How could she even think about
taking care of an infant, and finishing high school, and making something
of her life? But then again, how could she tell anyone what was going on.
She didn't want to disappoint her parents, she didn't want to become just
another statistic, and she didn't want to be the one that everyone learned
NOT to become like. If only. if only things had only been different.
"Kristen!" Her mother's voice echoed throughout her room. She walked
out and looked down the steps at her mother. She was standing there, still
looking worried about her eldest daughter. If only she could be one tenth
of the person her mother was, and maybe she could. Of course, she couldn't
even imagine what her mother was going to say when she told her. She could
barely picture the look that would come across her face as she did; it
would be one of those white as a ghost looks. She would probably become
very quiet, not even sure if she should yell, and then walk away. She
didn't want to hurt her mother like that; maybe that was what kept her from
coming out and telling her.
"Mom?" She was still quiet. She had been lying in bed thinking for
hours, apart from the rest of the world and content to stay that way.
"Are you okay?" Her mom asked, again. Everyone seemed to continue
asking even though they must have known by now they would always get the
same answer. Maybe they figured that one of these days the answer would
finally change. Maybe they figured that one of these days, Kristen would
she admit that she needed help.
"I'm fine mom." The same answer, the same words she repeated every
day and every night. They never changed, even if she wanted to change that,
she never did.
She walked back into her room, and shut the door closing her mother
and the rest of the world out of her life. She wanted so many things. But
right now, she wanted just to know what to do. Each passing day was another
day that her secret got closer to coming out, and each passing day was
another day that someone would ask if she was okay and she would answer
that she was fine. It was a never-ending cycle of pain and loneliness, and
she couldn't escape it. It would always follow her.
She closed her eyes again, trying to picture her life that was ahead
of her. Could she be a mother, could she do it? Especially considering she
was going to be a single mother, on her own without anyone to help her. Her
parents maybe, but they had always told her they would never raise a child
if she were to become pregnant. They didn't even know that situation was
staring them right in the eye, and that there baby was pregnant with her
Jason's face popped into her head. It always seemed to when she
thought about the future and raising her child. She wondered what would
happen the day she walked into school and Jason would see her and her baby
bump and everyone would figure out that thing she was dealing with, that
thing that she had been dealing with for months, it was the fact that she
was pregnant with his child. She wondered how he would react? Would he be
angry that she hadn't told him? Would him simply say it was her problem and
walk off? She had no idea of knowing, and that was even scarier then the
life that was ahead of her. Would he help her raise this child, or would he
continue on with his newfound sexual freedom?
She squeezed her eyes closed, and tried to remove the thoughts from
her mind. She wanted to think about something else, ANYTHING else but this
right now. She was sixteen, she should have been thinking about boys, and
partying and drinking instead of thinking about babies, and bottles and
diapers. The music was slow and sombre and she was feeling very tired. Her
body was exhausted, so she drifted off to sleep, thinking no more about
anything but a world where nothing was wrong.
Eight o'clock the next morning was when she awoke. The light had
filled her room, and when she had turned to roll on her side so that the
light was not in her eyes, she felt a severe pain in her abdomen.
'What's going on?' The pain was intense and she could barely breath.
The severity grew, until it felt like someone was stabbing her over and
She let out a small whimper, and tried to sit up and another wave of
excruciating pain washed over her, and she fell to her knees holding her
'Oh god.' She thought to herself, thoughts of panic entering her
mind. She could only think that this could be one thing, and it would
explain the intense pain she was experiencing. She made her way to the
bathroom, crawling on all fours slowly, and shut the door behind her. The
pain was so intense, she felt at one point as though she was going to pass
out, but she fought the feeling. Looking down, she noticed that blood was
soaking through her pants.
'This can't be happening.'
But it was happening; she knew that this couldn't be a dream. She was
lying here on her bathroom floor, soaked with blood and crying from the
pain she was experiencing. She sobbed loudly, holding herself because there
was no one else near her to comfort her. She was alone; she had always been
alone in this. A flash of what could have been entered her head; the dreams
she had about being a wonderful mother, and always having someone to love
passed quickly through her head. Everything she had imagined; the thoughts
of her own child calling her mommy and hugging her before bed. All of them
flashed quickly, and then faded into black.
She was once again, alone.