when my words met your lips

like glitter from a gunshot
her heart's in pieces on the road
covered in the ashes of the cigarette you haphazardly threw
out the window of the taxi taking you to the rabbit hole
i'm running so fast to get to

and you're in wonderland
(with alice)
before i get there
like i knew you would be
but if you can hear my dead-dust screams
would you tell me if there are reasons
behind this version of forever
or is it just another way of getting through the rain?

*

so now i'm stranded at the edge of something indiscernible
restitching the fairy tale with pins and knives
(how you only smile when it's inappropriate
your rambling stories and unfunny jokes
the ubiquitous bottles of alcohol and broken figurines)
while the shards of her self deconstruct slowly
the cracks in my chest incomparable to the ones on her face
her smile doesn't reach her eyes anymore
and her eyes don't reach anyone

(and do you ever wonder
if it's all because of you?)

*

and i have to marvel at your subtle evasiveness
calling when you know she's at work- "oh, did i miss her?"
after all these years, don't you think i can hear the lie?
but i'm polite and simply say yes
before asking about the mad hatter, the queen
though i dance around alice
and you dance around me
breezing through bottle after bottle
while i twirl a razor blade between my fingers.

(clutching the phone like a teddy bear, i whisper into the receiver. "you promised forever." you sigh condescendingly and i hear the crack of ice cubes against glass. i put the razor blade in my palm and squeeze. "forever can change." fixing my eyes on the nirvana lyrics pasted to the wall, i try not to hear my voice. "so what is it now?" you state bluntly, "what i want it to be," and though i've always admired that about you, right now i want to despise it, it and you. my voice cracks with desperation and unexpected honesty. "you know i could never hate you, right?" a sound resembling yes comes from your end of the phone- i can't tell, because it's lost inside a sip of alcohol. tightening my grip on the razor blade, i painfully say to dead air that i still love you. "we all do." i can't think of what to do anymore but hold my breath and wait for an answer.)

i should have known you'd let us go
when my words met your lips
and died.

*finis*