Phase Five:

Today Paris Hilton said on live television that nose rings are hot. Twenty million teenage girls across North America got their nose pierced after they saw it. If she said slitting your own goddamn wrists was cool, would you all do that too?

Teenagers have one master brain controlled by the government. If the master brain says jeans are out of style, I guarantee you jeans will never be seen on a single teenager again. Except for those people who can’t afford anything else. And they will be teased mercilessly.

What is it with teenagers and fitting it? Humans don’t grow minds of their own until they turn eighteen. I’m sorry, did I say GROW? I meant they aren’t GIVEN one until they can be trusted to use it responsibly. In other words, when you can follow our laws and pay our taxes THEN you can be allowed to think for yourself.

Teen magazines are just another way to control people. We should all just wear brown burlap sacks. But, you see, we humans like to evolve in interesting ways. Soon all the rage will be mini skirt sacks for the girls and baggy sacks for the guys. You need the brand names too. I can see it now: Burlap Breeze by Calvin Klein.

We wonder why we can’t find life on other planets. It’s because the extraterrestrials run when they see us coming. They’re terrified of being psychoanalyzed by Dr Phil right after being peer pressured into smoking weed.

And who is the genius that approved the law prohibiting jay walking but refused to prevent people from eating at McDonald’s more than once a week? It’s okay to slowly turn yourself into a cancer patient waiting to happen but you better not cross the road if there isn’t a cross walk. I know it’s because the government makes money from fast food places. They complain about the population’s weight problem but they don’t do anything to prevent it. I know what you’re thinking; I’m just another person that likes to bitch about the government. Well, isn’t everybody? Doesn’t everybody hate something they are doing? We’ll never be happy; it’s true. We may as well just accept it now.

Where are our priorities when college tuition costs more than a pack of cigarettes? All the things we need in life cost an arm and a leg and all the things that are killing us slowly are cheap as dirt. Make cigarettes a hundred dollars a pack and watch the number of people with lung cancer and mouth cancer drop to nothing. This is common sense people. Aren’t human beings more important than making money? Not to the government. No wonder the aliens don’t like us.

Ignore me. Go ahead and smoke a pack a day so the government can make more money. They want you to get sick and have to pay miles of medical bills. They want to spend our money on nuclear bombs. If everyone knew that a dollar from every pack of cigarettes was going to cancer research, what would they do? Go up to two packs a day and figure the cure will be available by the time they need it. That’s a good idea, a dollar from every pack going to cancer research I mean. Might as well help the people that hate themselves enough to slowly commit suicide.

Don’t you see the pictures of dead babies on the cartons? Don’t they disgust you? Or are they about as effective as saying smoking will turn you into a super model in ten minutes flat?

We wonder why people develop eating disorders after watching TV. They want to be skinny and you never see movie stars eating unless it’s in some trash magazine. And then beside their picture it’ll say: “Is Gwyneth Gaining Weight?”

I think Gwyneth can stand to put on a few pounds. Call me crazy.

We have to scrutinize the famous people because we are so damn unsatisfied with our own lives. We have to live through Josh Hartnett’s appearances of Jay Leno and David Letterman.

Movies and TV are entertainment and I enjoy both but sometimes those famous people need so much friggin’ attention that they drown out everything else. We all become fixated on what Hilary Duff will do next or if Mary-Kate is anorexic or addicted to cocaine.

First of all, Hilary is already an actor and a singer. She’s a designer and a role model. Next she’ll be coming out with a chain of restaurants. Food I Don’t Cook But Sell to You For Ridiculously High Prices will by the name of the chains that’ll start popping up all over the country.

She wants to take over the world, one industry at a time. All I can say id if Hilary ever runs for governor, I’m moving.