I'm contradicting myself

I want to be loved

But I don't seek it

I want to belong

But I don't believe in it

Then I want to understand

But already know it

I'm contradicting myself

But where do you get off?

I have to like myself

But not become vain

I have to find "friends"

That don't cause me pain

I have to have "guy" friends

And deal with the crushes

Although you could avoid both

Without half the problem

Just explain to me

I'm a weird geek

But I can't accept it

I have to be "special"

Just because you said so

I have to be upbeat and fun

But serious enough to hate myself

Without feeling anything

And that's how I truly feel

Why don't you get

Maybe I'm unhappy

Who really cares?

Maybe I cry sometimes

But it doesn't matter

I don't need to be loved

I don't need infinite friends

Or understanding of myself

Or acceptance

What don't you see?

I'm supposed to make friends

Without conforming

To other peoples' opinions

And flash judgments

But what is a friendship?

If we talk about each other

As if we couldn't hear

Every spiteful whisper

Why can't you see?

You think I need a boyfriend

But that I'm not ready to date

But you want me to

To prove that I'm straight

Then you want me to get over it

No one ever asked me

If I wanted a relationship

They just assumed I would

Understand

I have to be the wallflower

I don't care if I miss out

Because I'm not missing much

Just a few beer parties

Blank fields of excitement

False happiness

And jaded smiles

Behind perfect composure