PIFF!
By: Jordan Minor

Table Of Contents

Chapter
Page

1. Just Plain Weird.............3
2. Double P (I'm Not Piff)........7
3. Duck Hunt...............11
4. Grandé Duper Battle.........16
5. Evil In College.............24
6. Piff, In The Flesh............29
7. Rock N' Piff...............33
8. Chop Piffy...............39
9. Shaking The Foundation......49
10. The Mother Of All Battles.....56
11. The World Gets Really Screwed
Up.....................61
12. The Day Piff Lost............67
13. Plan B..................75
14. One P Is Stronger Than Two....81
15. All Wrapped Up............92

Chapter 1: Just Plain Weird

Weird. That's my life in one word. Just plain weird. That's my life in three words. Just plain, super, duper, ridiculously freaky, weird. That's my life in seven words, even if it doesn't make any grammatical sense. Shall I continue? I thought not. Who in the world could have a life so weird that a whole paragraph is needed just to say how weird it is? I do. Who am I? I'm Piff.

Actually, if you want to get all snippy and mom-like on me, I'm Pippinfiff W. Fippinmayer the 3rd, or 4th, or 17th, or something. But just call me Piff. How many men have the name Piff? None. How many eggplants have the name Piff? Tons. Dark purple skin, green leafy hair, pale green blood, head and body are one and the same, and lacking limbs. That's me. In case you haven't caught on, I'm an eggplant. Don't like it? Too bad. You're stuck with me for the rest of the story.

Speaking of the story, I think it's about time we got to it. Now what story should I tell you to show you just how weird my life is? No, that one's too creepy. Maybe, if that one wasn't so sexy. Oooooooh, this one is perfect.
The sun was just where you hate it to be, right in its morning perch. My cheese wheel clock was screaming like a flock of angry geese as my eyes slowly blinked to adjust to the painful amount of incoming light. I ran to the kitchen and ate my weight in cheese-covered chili, both for breakfast and to settle my stomach. When you live in a giant bottle of window cleaner, you wake up seasick every morning.
After breakfast, I grabbed "The Box of Piff", the box where I keep all my important stuff, and went to the attic. Like I said, I live in a giant bottle of window cleaner, so the attic is a nozzle. Usually, I just squirt myself out of my house, but today I saw there was a clog.
After trying several times to pull the clog out myself, I decided to use my power to create rock hard, high-density pasta to help. I wrapped the pasta around the clog and basically played tug-o-war. Soon I fell over backwards and got hit on the head by the rotten wedge of cheese that had clogged my attic. Finally, I was able to squirt myself on to the ground.

"Out of the way, the cherry has arrived," came the obnoxious voice of my irritating acquaintance, Cherry Flavored Salesman, or "Salesman" for short.
I could barely hear him from the whoosh of the fall. Then I thought, "I should really get a door."
The biggest reason I don't like Salesman is because he thinks he's so much better than me with his arms, his legs, and his stupid little goatee. I mean, he's always flailing his arms, or shuffling his feet, or even scratching his chin. That cherry drives me crazy.
"What do you want, Salesman?" I asked glaring at him.
"Well, Pippinfiff, I just wanted to show you my new razor and ask if you wanted my old one. Unfortunately, I just remembered something," Salesman said sounding as casual as he could.
"And what was that, Salesman?" I asked getting annoyed. After all, no one, except Mom, calls me Pippinfiff.
"I remembered, Pippinfiff, that you have no facial hair. So I'll just take this home and sell it or something," he said moving his hand toward his pocket.

But I wasn't done yet. I quickly grabbed the old razor out of Salesman's hand and said, "Actually, Salesman, I can give this to my Ex. After all, she has a moustache." I put the razor in my box and looked at the annoyed look on Salesman's face with satisfaction.
Oh, and for those of you wandering how I can pick up thing without hands, I have mild telekinetic powers. While we're on the subject of powers, I might as well tell you that I can turn into a living tornado called the "Piffando." I guess I should also tell you that Salesman can yank out fighting sticks or shoot needles out of that silly goatee of his. Just so you know.
"Fine then, keep it! If you excuse me, Pippinfiff, I need to go shave," Salesman said stomping off.
"Actually, I know something we can do that's even more fun," I said, coming up with a brilliant idea.
"And what's that?" Salesman asked, sounding intrigued.
"You'll see. Now follow me," I said, starting to walk away. It was time for Salesman to get his.

Chapter 2: Double P (I'm Not Piff)

Hello unfortunate reader. Welcome to my story. I'm your new sinister narrator, Double P. And no, I'm not Piff. In fact, he's my arch nemesis. It's about time for you to hear my part of the story.
Dark, gloomy, and a 100% chance of pain was the forecast in my lair.
"You mean your dead grandma's basement?"

Sorry, that was my uh, assistant.

"Hi I'm-"

Don't tell them your name! It will ruin the whole story.
"Fine, fine, fine, Mr. P. I'll leave you alone."
Right. Now that that's out of the way, let's continue.
"How am I going to destroy Piff?" I thought to myself.
Piff is indeed a worthy foe. He has thwarted me many times before. He defeated me after I shrunk him to the size of an ice cream topping, when I joined forces with those hostile natives, and even defeated my unstoppable Italian contact, Lucius Lung.
"He was unstoppable then, was he?"
Shut up!
Of course, he didn't do these things alone. He did them with his Piff Posse; that obnoxious cherry, and Piff's hag of a mother. How I loathe them.
My assistant was wondering why Piff was so powerful. "I mean, it's not like he owns the world. He just lives in it and knows it pretty well and stuff, just like the rest of us," she said.
"You better not be talking about me!"
I'm not! Go away!
Where was I? Oh yes. Then my brain finally came through for me.
"He does know this world pretty well doesn't he? But how well does he know a different one?" I said, starting to laugh a little bit.
"What do you mean?" my puzzled assistant asked.
"Of course I was puzzled. You weren't making any sense."
Agh.
"Remember that red blob we stole from Piff during our fight last month?" I asked.
"Yeah. It was just chili. Wasn't it?" my assistant replied.
"It wasn't just chili. I recently ran some test on it," I started to say.
"Why did you run some tests on a blob of chili?" my naïve assistant asked.
"Who you calling naïve. I was just saying, who runs some tests on a blob of chili they found?"
They do if it's glowing green.
"Of course, but you didn't say that before"
Well know I am. Can you please just let me finish the story?
"Fine, if you're gonna take that kind of tone. Just tell your little story why don't ya. I'll be raiding the fridge if you need me."
Finally. Now then I said, "I ran some tests on it because it was Piff's and it was glowing. Now as I was saying, it wasn't just chili. My tests showed that it gave off a very distinct radiation. The exact kind used for inter-dimensional travel."
"So you're saying if we send Piff into another dimension." my assistant began.
"He'll be totally helpless and vulnerable." I continued.
"Giving us the opportunity to take over the entire world!" my assistant finished.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" we both laughed maniacally.
I split the blob in half and said, "I'll give this piece to Lucius and tell him the plan. He'll make sure it happens."
"And what should I do?" my now eager assistant asked.
Starting to smile slightly, I said, "Come with me. I need to show you my plans for the other half of chili. We must make sure Piff meets his end in the strange new dimension."

Chapter 3: Duck Hunt

Hi, Piff again. And I'm ready to continue my story. When we left off, I was about to get back at that weenie Salesman.
"How much longer, Piff? Unlike you, I have feet, and they're getting tired," Salesman complained.
"Don't worry. We're here," I said pointing to our destination, Edob Lake.
"A duck pond! That's where you're taking me? This is where we're gonna have fun today? You think this is more fun than shaving?!" Salesman shouted.
"I've never shaved before so I wouldn't know, Salesman! Besides, it's not just any duck pond," I said perking up.
Then I let out a loud whistle. Suddenly, a yellow-orange blur shot of the water and landed in the familiar shape of a duck.
"Salesman, meet the Ravenous Duck," I said starting to laugh.
"WWWhhaaaatttt is that thing, Piff?" Salesman asked trying to hide his fear.
"A duck. Duh. Just watch this. Hey Duck!" I shouted.
The duck let out a long, foghorn-like quack and turned toward me.
"SHOW US WHAT YOU ARE MADE OF!" I shouted back at him.
All Duck left was a sea of white foam after he took off like a rocket. I guess we should call him the rabid duck.
"That was definitely not supposed to happen. We gotta catch him," I told Salesman.
"It wasn't? Anyway, how are we gonna catch him?" He asked.
I didn't have time to answer. So I just pulled off my skin, revealing my freckled, pale, pulp, told Salesman to get on my outstretched skin, and zoomed off.
Confused? If you are, sorry. I guess I forgot to tell you that I can pull off my skin and fly on it.
"You think you could have warned me before you grabbed me onto your little skin mobile?" Salesman shouted at me, his plump cheeks pushed back and goatee parted from the speed of our flight.
"Just shut up and hang on. I already told you, I didn't have enough time. We just need to find Duck," I barked back at him.
"What do you mean, we? I want nothing to do with your little adventure," Salesman yelled infuriated.
Slightly ticked, I shot up into the sky and came to a quick stop. Eyebrow cocked, I then said, "You're right Salesman. I guess this is where you get off then, and thank you for riding Piff Airlines. Please come again."
Salesman, suddenly feeling light headed, took one look down and saw that he could not see the city through the clouds.
"Wwwee, wwwheere-", he stuttered.
"We're above where most planes fly. Now come on, off with ya. Unless you're gonna help me," I said taking short breaths in between.
"Okay, okay. I'll help you find that stupid bird. Just please let me down. I wanna go down. I'm begging you!" Salesman pleaded almost starting to cry.
Satisfied at hearing this, I slowly started to descend, gradually picking up speed laughing all the way.
Soon we re-started our search for the Ravenous Duck, following his trail of foam. After about twenty minutes of flying, Duck soon came into sight.
"He's headed for the orphanage. I'll stop him," Salesman said puffing his chest.

"Salesman, don't!" I shouted, but it was too late. Salesman had launched a series of needles from his goatee right into Duck's feathered rump.
Duck let out another fog quack and turned around with a vengeful look in his eyes. Before we could do anything, Duck rammed into us and took his leave as we plummeted to the ground.
"That's it! New plan, we're going to FoodCo. I haven't gone grocery shopping in a while anyway," I told Salesman putting my skin back on.
We trudged our way to FoodCo supermarket. I re-stocked on cheese and chili and cheese flavored chili. Then I led Salesman to the bread aisle.
"Tell me again, why do we need bread?" Salesman asked.
I replied, "What do you think you feed a duck? Now what should I get? Um, rye, pumpernickel, or white? Oooh, potato. Wow, the prices are really going up nowadays. Or maybe this one, it has a little cartoon chef on it. But this one-"
"Just get the $#&* bread so we can leave!" Salesman cursed at me. Lucky for you, my stories have censors.
I chose potato, paid, and started following Duck's trail. Yet again, he came into view. I threw the loaf in front of him and saw Duck stop everything he was doing just to snack on it.
"Salesman, NOW!" I shouted.
Salesman let out another wave of needles but this time they circled Duck like a cage. This gave me enough time to fully capture Duck and wrap him in pasta.
After returning Duck to Edob Lake, I said, "Look's like the party's over for you duck."
Then a mysterious voice replied, "Yeah, but my party is just beginning."

Chapter 4: Grandé Duper Battle

I slowly turned around to see a menacing pink blob with arms and legs, Lucius Lung.
"Mamma Mia!" I shrieked.
"Why did you say that?" Salesman asked.
"Last time I defeated this FOOL, we were in Italy," I explained.
"So Piff, are you ready to start?" Lucius asked smirking.
"Start what?" I asked puzzled.
"Our fight you little entrée. It's what I've been hired to do," Lucius explained.
"Hired? So you're a mercenary, a henchman for hire. And here I just thought you were an Italian organ who liked to start trouble. So, who hired you?" I asked ,eyebrow cocked.
"My usual employer," Lucius replied.
"And who would that be?" I asked, yet again.
"Wouldn't you like to know? Now shut up and fight me!" Lucius yelled back at me.
"Whatever. Let's just get it over with before I get some of your pink on me. People will think I'm a sissy," I quietly replied.
Before I could blink, a long pink blur had rammed my head into the dirt. Lucius has mad. No doubt about it.
I slowly got back onto my "feet" and licked the "blood" off my "chin".
"You know, I could make a great gumbo out of this. What do you think Salesman?" I asked licking off more blood.
Beaming, Salesman answered, "I could so see that. Especially with some lemon butter and pepper. Ooh, maybe with some stuffed tomatoes on the side and some nice juicy-"
'AHH! SHUT UP! Now who's a sissy, Miss Martha Stewart Piff?" an annoyed Lucius rudely interrupted.
"I prefer Emeril. Now let me show you !" I said slamming into Lucius in a swirl of green and purple.
"Nice move little veggie. Now let's really get cooking. Watch this," Lucius said, dusting himself up.
Slowly, two tubes emerged from Lucius's back and crept down his arms into his hands. They must've been part of his whole "lung" theme.
"Button up, Piff. It's about to get very drafty in here," Lucius said dropping to one knee and outstretching his armed arms in front of him.
"Enough with the BAD puns already, Pipey. Just do what ya gotta do so I can cleverly avoid it and kick your butt already," I said, partly annoyed partly bored.
"Oh trust me, you won't be cleverly avoiding THIS!" Lucius yelled smiling.
Suddenly, two streams of air shot from Lucius's tubes and forced me into the air with surprising ease. My eyes soon shut and I couldn't move my lips, but I knew what to do. I closed my mind and focused power on the hurricane around me.
The wind slowly started to spin and form a tornado around me. As soon as I was able to open my mouth, I shouted," PIFFINADO!"
The tornado quickly advanced on Lucius. Sensing defeat, he outstretched his arms again and sucked the incoming air back through his tubes.
"That's another trick of mine, Piff. Like it?" Lucius asked, relaxing his arms.
A new brilliant idea dawned on me. "Yes, I do. Now if you will excuse me, come on Salesman," I said, removing my skin and outstretching it for him once more.
"Where are we going?" Salesman asked.
"To my spice garden in the sky. Now come on!" I shouted and we took our leave.
"Now I would be one bad mercenary if I just let him escape," Lucius said to himself. Similar to last time, two tubes crawled from Lucius's thighs down to his feet. They then let out twin bursts of air allowing him to fly, and catch us.
The top of my house was barely visible when a small gust of wind whizzed by my right ear, pushing me slightly to the left.
"The next one won't miss," came the angry voice of Lucius Lung. He had finally caught up to Salesman and I with all his tubes deployed, ready to annihilate us.
"Nice flying, Piff. He's got us in his sight. What are you going to do now?" Salesman criticized.
"Good, he's taken the bait and there's my house. It's time to land," I said, leaning forward and pushing down.
"Oh no, ya don't!" Lucius exclaimed, releasing two more streams of hyper fast, skin piercing, streams of wind.
Lucius wasn't lying when he said that one wouldn't miss. This time we were hit right in the bottom of our "skin mobile".
"Abandon skin, abandon skin!" I shouted as Salesman and I jumped from the great height, hoping to land on solid ground.
Luckily for us, plenty of land fell into sight as my spice garden in the sky drew closer. In an attempt to cushion my fall, I grabbed Salesman by the stem and placed all my body weight onto his face as we started to fall even faster.
My descent was quick and painless as opposed to Salesman's, whose fall looked very painful. Rough sidewalk had grinded into his skin. Over to our right, Lucius had landed too, but this time he was on my turf, my spice garden in the sky.
"I guess I need some new skin, arghhh," I groaned as purple blobs appeared on my pulp, grew, and attached to each other forming an all around coat of fresh, shiny skin.
Staggering to his feet and brushing off peeled skin and blood, Salesman asked in a choked voice, "Why did you do that?"
'What, the crushing or regenerating my skin?" I asked twisting around, loosening my new skin.
"The cru-" Salesman started almost ready to pass out.

"I'll be happy to tell you about my skin. One, growing new skin isn't the easiest or greatest feeling thing in the world. And two, flying around skinless, freaks people out. Not that a flying eggplant doesn't freak them out already," I explained laughing.
"I'm sorry if I'm interrupting, but aren't we in the middle of a fight," Lucius said to us, being uncharacteristically polite.
"Oh yeah, sorry Lucius. Now what was I going to do again? Oh, PIFFINADO!" I shouted as the air immediately started to spin.
"Foolish, friend abusing, eggplant. I'll just suck in the air like last time," said a laughing Lucius, his voice nearly inaudible over the rushing wind.
Unfortunately for Lucius, this time his plan wouldn't work. Quite the contrary, it was my plan that was working. Lucius started choking on the incoming air.
"What's-hau-is go-hoofa-ing on, Piff?" Lucius wheezed.
"Look around, we're in my SPICE garden in the sky. I guess the fruits of my labor are a little too spicy for you. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I'm pretty sure that spices aren't fruits," I said.
It was true, the air had turned a brownish green from the oregano and parsley mixed in it.
"You'll pay for this Piff, hahack!" Lucius threatened.
"Sorry if it's a little late, but Lucius, IT'S TIME TO KICK IT UP A NOTCH!" I said, ramming into his chest, causing him to cough out the spices he had inhaled and fall off the edge of my garden.
"Well. I guess that's the last of him. Now, if I could only find some ointment," Salesman said rubbing his throbbing back.
"You're both gonna need it when I'm through with you!" came a familiar voice from below our feet. Lucius must have stopped his fall and flown back to us.
"LOOK OUT!" screamed Salesman, but it was too late. A hard fist hit me squarely in the cheek.
Surprisingly, when I got back onto my feet, I barely had a scratch and Lucius was on the ground screaming in pain. His eyes were covered with a strange yellowish gunk. "Mom did say it was time to clean my ears out," I told Salesman.

"I didn't even know you had ears," Salesman said, but now he could clearly see two oval holes in my head where solid purple had been before.
"Yuck," Salesman said, as I walked toward Lucius.
"I said it to the Ravenous Duck, and I'll say it to you. The party is over," I said wrapping Lucius in pasta.
"Nooooo!" Lucius screamed, throwing a red blob into the air. A large shimmering portal appeared in the spot where the red blob hit.
While I was distracted by the portal, Lucius had gotten to his feet and was now running toward me.
"You'll have to get through me if you wanna hurt Piff, Lung!" Salesman exclaimed, bounding into Lucius's path.
Before he could stop, Lucius rammed me AND Salesman into the portal he'd created, instantly closing it.
After realizing what he'd done, Lucius wriggled out of his pasta trap and called someone.
Slowly he said, "Phase one complete, boss, but we have a slight problem. Piff's not alone."

Chapter 5: Evil In College

I couldn't believe it. I had skin, and arms, and legs! Oh, I guess you think I'm Piff, huh. Well, I'm not, I'm actually Double P's evil assistant and I had just been transported to a different dimension through some radioactive chili P and me stole from Piff. Now I was in a world where everybody looks a little like monkeys. I guess I did too now.
"Hey boss, I'm here but I don't see Piff yet," I said over my hell phone. Get it, hell, not cell, evil, me.
"Well, wait for him, and try to blend in loopy-headed noodle!" came the voice of good ole Double P.
After observing my surroundings, I soon complained, " But I've never been to college, boss."
"So that's where I sent you, splendid. Have fun, Double P, over and out."
"But-," I started, but it was too late, Double P had hung up and I was stranded in college waiting for Piff, for who knows how long.

Luckily, I had arrived during Spring break and everyone was partying. I spent the entire weekend clubbing, drinking, and other R-rated things.
I woke up Monday morning with the most painful hangover imaginable. Worst of all, when I worked up the energy to turn around, I saw the horrifying sight of a smelly fat man next to me with his arm around my neck. His shirt read "Essence of Wrinkles", a brand of beer. I slowly lifted his boozed drenched arm off my neck, stumbled out the door, shimmied down the stairs, and hit my head on the bulletin board.
After taking some college strength ibuprofen, I noticed that I had hit my head on a bulletin looking for people to join a new band. Now I'm pretty good on the bass, so I decide to try it out. The notice said to contact someone named Gerald Pinkinsis at 555-7654.
That night, after eating my skimpy dinner of stale muffins and over ripe peaches, I figured I oughta call up the Pinkinsis guy.
"Pinkinsis dorm, Gerald speaking," said a nasally, high-pitched voice that could only belong to a nerd.
"Yeah, er, I saw your notice about the band and-"
"You'd like to join? Why that would be great! You are the first person to call!" Gerald squealed with delight.
"Wonder why?" I thought to myself sarcastically.
"Listen, first practice is Wednesday in the cafeteria at two," Gerald continued, "See ya there."
I spent all of Tuesday practicing, dreading the day that followed. I mean here I am an evil villain, about to join a band run by a guy with a last name like Pinkinsis, who sounds like he has an inhaler full of helium.

"Maybe," I thought, "They'll find out I'm not really a student and kick me out of that empty dorm I "found". Oh, that would be great. I mean they can't let just anybody learn at Abshot University."
But then I remembered that I had a mission, search for and destroy Piff, and I had to complete it. No matter what. Curse my loyalty to the foul, old, ice chicken, Double P.
That faithful Wednesday afternoon, I wrenched myself out of my dorm and headed toward the cafeteria. I slowly opened the cold, forbidding doors and saw the terrible sight that could only be Gerald Pinkinsis.
With a smile full of braces and more grease on his face than a crate full of French fries, he slicked back his eerily neat, black hair with one wiry arm. Whether he was trying to impress me, or just disgust me even further, he yanked up his vomit green overalls until they were past his belly button. Finally, he took off his colossal glasses, revealing his tiny, brown, mousy eyes, and sat at the drums behind him, but not before hitting his head on a wall.
"Okay baby, let's do this thang," he wheezed in a voice similar to the one I heard on the phone. Then he started "playing" and sounded like a two year old with a frying pan.
"Ah! Is this the band audition thing?" came the slightly obnoxious voice of a brown haired, goateed boy who had just stepped through the door.
"I'm sorry, but any band that Gerald Pinkinsis is running is reservation only so I'm afraid you'll have to leave," Gerald snobbishly instructed.
"Sorry Pete, the world's greatest drummer says we gotta go," said the boy again.
Another boy walked in and said, "The world's greater drummer? Great insult Charlie. Anyway, darn, and I was just ready to rock too."
This boy was like nothing I'd never seen before. He was strange, but somehow not a stranger. He was dressed in an odd combination of purple and green with gray jeans. Swiftly, he turned around revealing more of his light, green, spiky hair and his one long, mysterious braid. He was, he was, he was, oh yeah hot, and he had to stay.

Chapter 6: Piff, In The Flesh

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Salesman and I screamed as flashes of red and blue whizzed by us. We had just fallen into a portal created by Lucius Lung. We hollered and howled as our bodies stretched and grew.
Finally, the lights stopped and my face was planted in beer soaked soil and dead plants. I got to my feet and saw in horror the freakish monstrosity that had once been my body. It was long and thin with limbs sticking out of it like Salesman. And instead of a rich purple, my skin was now a light brown.
"Pppiifff, what just happened?" Salesman asked. At least, I was pretty sure it was Salesman. His body was similar to mine, except it was a little plumper and his skin was pale and sickly. Not to mention our hair was different. My hair was still green, but now it was spiky and I had a long braid running down my back. Salesman's hair, however, was brown, smooth, and slicked back, and he still had a goatee.

"I believe we've been transported through a chili portal stolen from me by my arch nemesis Double P. Fascinating. Luckily, I always keep a spare portal in my box," I explained.
"Sure Piff, but first let's put some clothes on," Salesman said starting to blush. I did the same as I realized I was naked, which appeared to be a bad thing in this dimension. Grabbing Salesman, I sprinted off looking for the closest mall, and a towel to wrap myself in.
"What are you two toga toga boys doing in my store. Read the sign, no shirt, no shoes, no service," the store clerk said pointing at the sign.
After running seven blocks, stealing an old woman's sheets, and telling everyone who saw us that we were trying out for a play set in Rome, Salesman and I had finally arrived at a Gap, just to listen to this.
"Please, can we just buy some stuff. We really need to get to our play," I pleaded to the clerk.
"Ya booze, ya loose, you lousy drunks. Now get out!" the snobby clerk commanded.
"That's all I got. You wanna try?" I asked Salesman.

"Gladly. Look over there," Salesman told the clerk. He obeyed and as he turned his head, Salesman punched him right in his girly jaw.
"Let's grab some clothes before we run!" I shouted at Salesman, who was heading for the door. So we did.

"Knock knock, room service," I lied knocking on the door of some dorm in the left wing.
"Room service, hot dog!" the unsuspecting fool exclaimed, opening the door. Good ole Abshot University, home of the idiots. I couldn't believe I was here, but we did need a place to stay. Suddenly, the poor soul screamed as my hand pierced his gullet.
"Salesman, take out the trash. Muywa hah ah ha ha haha," I laughed maliciously.
After tossing the corpse out the window with a knife clutched in his hand to make the incident seem like suicide, Salesman asked, "Did someone really have to die just so we could have a dorm?"
"Well, yeah. Now come on, we gotta find my box," I told Salesman.
We dashed back to the spot where we crashed landed and searched high and low for "The Box of Piff". Unfortunately, we couldn't find it.
"Now what are we gonna do?" Salesman whined.
"Well, I could make some more chili, but it'll take a couple months to steal the necessary uranium," I explained. " I say we spend our time here having fun in college."
Fun, yeah right. All weekend we slept, ate, drank, and stole uranium from nearby power plants.
"I'm bored!" Salesman shouted on Wednesday afternoon.
"And what do you want me to do about it?" I asked smugly.
"Well, I found this notice for a new band. I know that you know a little something about guitar and I play a mean keyboard," Salesman said, moving his fingers across the air.
"Fine, we'll check it out. When's the first practice?" I asked.
"Um, today I think," Salesman replied.
"WHAT! Let's move it," I screamed.
Finally we arrived at the cafeteria, and from the noise we heard, it was the place.
"Sorry about the mix up, Piff," Salesman said holding his ears.
"Just shut up. One more thing. While we're here, we should stay inconspicuous, Charlie," I said winking.
Winking as well, Salesman replied, "You got it, Pete."

Chapter 7: Rock N' Piff

Well, that was it. It was over. We weren't in the band. Or at least that's what we were thinking. Then all of a sudden some girl jumped out and said, "Wait, come on, Gerald, let them stay. Otherwise, it'll just be the two of us in the band."
It sounded like a cat malfunctioning, but I guess it was Gerald's voice, "And why would that be so bad?"
"Um, should I really say it, when we can all kinda really see it?" the girl asked awkwardly.
Scowling, Gerald replied, "Fine, you can be in the band."
Well, that was really it. Me, Salesman, Gerald, and that creepy, stringy girl were gonna play at Andy's coffee hut in two months. Between practicing, hiding from professors who knew I wasn't a student, and stealing uranium for a new chili portal, my stay in this world was gonna be a busy one.
"Can you believe it, Piff? We're in the band. I guess we, can thank me. It was my good looks that won over that girl," Salesman said obnoxiously.
No way. Even in this dimension, Salesman still thinks he's better than me. Peeved, I said, "Come on stud, let's go to practice.
"Well, look who decided to show up 20 minutes late. Pete and Charlie. Now we can finally get started," Gerald said, annoyed.
"Wait, I have one question. What's our band called?" I asked.
"What, that's completely irrelevant. Come on, let's get started," Gerald replied.
"No, tell us," I said once more.
Then Salesman said, "We wanna know."
Soon we were both chanting, "We wanna know, we wanna know, we wanna-"

"Fine! I haven't come up with a name yet," Gerald said, sounding ashamed.
"Then let's think of one. We're playing at Andy's next Saturday," the stringy girl suggested.
We had a long discussion. We thought of everything from the Miners to the Minute Hands. Finally, we picked a name that everyone could agree on. We were ready for Saturday.
It was time. The big night had finally come. It was time to rock some worlds
"I don't know, guys. Maybe we should postpone this gig so we can get more practicing in," Gerald stuttered drenched in sweat.
"No way, sweaty, we've come way too far just to postpone," the stringy girl protested.
"She's right. Let's rock!" I yelled in excitement. Then I held out my hand. Soon the others placed their hands on top of mine.
All together we shouted, "Let's rock!" and threw our hands into the air.
Inside, we were just being introduced, "Alright ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and squares, chicks and hags. Andy's coffee hut is proud to EGGPLANTS."
A roar of applause echoed through the hut as we made our way onstage.
"I can't believe we're called the Eggplants. Why didn't I vote for the Fruit Bowls?" Salesman complained.
Then the stringy glanced at me and said, "Um, the Eggplants. I wonder. Could he be. Maybe. Yes, he is. Ha ha ha ha!" Later, I would discover that this revelation would almost seal my doom.
"Bum, bum bum, bum, bum bum BAM," Gerald drummed. Soon our whole band started into our first song. Our rise to college fame had begun.

We came, we rocked, and we were praised for it. Our concert was over, and we were practically legends. All except for one of us. Over by the bathroom, Gerald was being pounded by a squad of football players led by Dennis Corterbeque.
"Take that! This is for sneaking your way into such a cool band, nerd. Like you know anybody cool as those guys," Dennis taunted.
"But Dennis, OW, I started the band. Please stop hurting me," Gerald pleaded.
Laughing, Dennis replied, "Yeah right, take this you liar." He then delivered another painful blow to Gerald ribs.
"Hey, let him go," I commanded.
"Yo, it's you. I loved your performance, but I gotta take care of this liar," Dennis said returning to Gerald.
Annoyed, I said, "He's not lying, now let him go!"
"And what if I don't, music boy," Dennis said turning on me.
It was time to give this dope a taste of my medicine. I drove my fist right into his stomach.
"Hey, that hurt!" Dennis said through clenched teeth and watering eyes.
"Yeah, I know, and this'll hurt more," I said. I then rammed my elbow into Dennis's skull rendering him unconscious.
Shocked at the defeat of their leader, the remaining bullies advanced toward me and Gerald. With Salesman backing me up, I beat up the football players and helped myself to $33.67 from their wallets.
Back at Gerald's dorm, Salesman and I were having a very important discussion with him.
"Dude, if it wasn't for me and Pete, you woulda been massacred," Salesman said in a very straightforward manner.
"Though I wouldn't phrase it quite like that, Charlie's right. You need help," I explained.
"Oh I know, but what can I do," Gerald said starting to cry.
"Whoa, calm down. I have an idea. Why don't you try out for the football team?" Salesman suggested.
"What! And get beat up even more? You must be crazy," Gerald replied, rubbing his eyes.
"No, it's a great idea. You should totally do it," Salesman insisted.
"Oh, fine. I'll try out for football," Gerald said reluctantly.

About a month later, I asked Salesman, "Hey, do you think there's time for a uranium run tonight?"
"I don't know," he lazily responded.
Suddenly, a bloody, sweaty mess fell through our door. I rushed over and saw that it was none other than a dazed Gerald Pinkinsis in a tattered football jersey
Ready to burst, I said, "That's it! It's time to take matters into my hands."

Chapter 8: Chop Piffy

"I don't know Pete, I mean kung fu? How about I just buy some painkillers," Gerald said nervously.
After being destroyed by football players for costing them the game, he was having second thoughts about letting me train him.
"Painkillers may be fruity and deliciously addictive, but even they cannot restore dignity and honor. Besides, it's not just any kung fu. It's my own custom style of kung fu, Chop Piffy," I explained.
"But Pete, I can't do a 45 second jog without passing out. How am I supposed to learn karate?" Gerald asked, starting to tremble.
"It's not karate, it's Chop Piffy. And I promise I can make a you a Chop Piffy master in one month," I promised.
"Whatever. How are we supposed to make this work?" Gerald whined again.
"Gerald, you have no idea what the limits of my powers are. Since we are almost there, I have one more rule for you. As the only master of Chop Piffy, you must refer to me as Sensei Piff," I explained.
"Sensei? Is that like teacher or something?" Gerald asked.
I then gave him a strong slap across the face and said, "Insolent infant, it is like master. That makes you apprentice, stooge, fool, and disciple if you wanna sugarcoat it. Hmm, disciple, disciple of Piff. Disciples of Piff. Kinda has a nice ring to it. The point is, learn your place."
Still cradling his throbbing cheek, Gerald replied, "So Sensei, where are we going ?
I stopped at the door of a warehouse and said, "Welcome to my dojo!"
After eyeing the obviously dilapidated warehouse, Gerald replied, "This is where you're gonna train me.
We stepped through the rusty door into the decaying interior. Gerald seemed even more disgusted.
"Lesson one, looks can be deceiving," I said smirking. I clasped my hands and released a small flash of light.
Upon opening his eyes, Gerald saw that the musty, old rat's nest, had been transformed into a shiny, white, Japanese battle field.
"But, how did you do that. I mean this goes against all science, reason, and logic!" Gerald said, still stuttering in disbelief.
I gave him another slap across the face and said, "Lesson two, never doubt the power of your Sensei, and never doubt the power of your fighting."
Now annoyed, Gerald shouted, "Then let's start fighting, already!"
"Silence. Before the true training begins, like this building, your appearance must be transformed. Then too, your body and mind.
Now let's start the makeover. Gotta get rid of this, say bye to this, never even heard of this. Oh, this has got to go, and these have gotta be pulled down. Well, how do you feel?" I asked, after completely changing Gerald's look.
"Well, Sensei, I can't see, my pants are too low, and I'm already starting to breath heavily," Gerald explained.
"Good, now put this on," I said, handing Gerald a wad of wrinkled clothes. I had just given him the official attire of Chop Piffy, a purple robe with a green belt. I also put on my Chop Piffy attire.
"One more thing Gerald, as with your appearance, your body, and your mind, your name must be transformed as well. Your new name shall Gopher," I told him.

Foolish Gopher! But Sensei, why can't I have a cool name like Mighty Oyster or Wise Termite?" Gerald complained.
I gave him one more slap across the face and said, "Silence, your name shall be Foolish Gopher. Now let the true training begin."
"Okay Sensei, what do you want me to do first?" Gerald asked.
"Well, let's just see your punch. That's an order, foolish one!" I commanded.
Considering what I already knew about Gerald, I guess I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes so high. Gerald's "punch" was merely a slow, slight tap on the air next to my shoulder.
After panting for a couple of seconds, Gerald asked, "How was that?"
I cocked my eyebrow and thought to myself, "This is gonna be a long month."
And what a month it was. No matter how hard I taught, no matter how simple I made it, no matter how little of my full strength I used, it seemed like I could always knock Gerald over with my pinky.

Finally, after 31 straight days of training and over $15,000 I spent paying Gerald's numerous medical bills, it was the end of the month.
"Well Sensei, It's officially the end of the month, and I think you've taught me enough to beat up a whole truckload of Dennis Corterbeques," an optimistic Gerald said cheerily.
"It is time to test that, foolish one," I said with a stern face. I then threw my fist, stopped it right in front of Gerald's face, extended my pinky, and tapped his nose with it. He screamed and instantly fainted.
"Wake up, wake up, wake up! Foolish Gopher, wake up!" I shouted at Gerald's motionless body, slapping his face like before.
"Whu, what? Ssseennsei? Dddid I pass?" Gerald asked feebly.
"I'm afraid not, foolish one. Charlie will probably kill me for this, but I do have one idea," I said. reaching into my pocket.
"What is it?" Gerald asked a little stronger than before.
I pulled out a glowing blob of none other than radioactive chili, the raw material necessary for creating chili portals.

"This is the patented Chop Piffy energy feed. Now eat this," I said, shoving the spicy treat into Gerald's mouth before he could respond.
Suddenly, Gerald started twitching and trembling. His body started to shudder. Small sparks erupted from his muscles and his eyes glowed purple for a split second.
"Sensei! I feel, I feel incredible! Now I'm ready to use my abilities to help the weak and downtrodden, cure disease, fight hunger, and preserve justice for all!" Gerald said, trying to sound heroic.
Hardly convinced, I said, "Don't hold your breath, Super Gerald. Anyway, before any of that, we're gonna put those abilities to the test."
Ready for the challenge, Gerald replied, "Bring it on, foolish one."
He had gone too far. No one calls me "foolish one". I placed my hands on top of each other and released several of my hardest pasta strands, which started bullwhipping Gerald. After several painful blows, Gerald pulled the pasta and me into his extended fist. Unfortunately for him, I was in the perfect position for a piffinado, with him at its core.
"PIFFINADO!" I shouted, as Gerald was thrown back into the wall at full force.

After the smoke cleared, I saw Gerald's menacing figure and heard him say, "You'll have to do better than that, Sensei."
Then he released waves of razor sharp energy from his hands. They cut me up good and knocked me off my feet. Seizing the opportunity to exploit my brief moment of vulnerability, Gerald slammed both his fists into my stomach.
Suddenly, I jumped to my feet and ran from Gerald at full speed. While looking for me, Gerald left his back exposed. Now it was my turn. I charged at his back with my tightly clenched fist. Just before I reached his back though, Gerald quickly turned around and met my fist with his.
I couldn't believe it! Gerald had actually lured me into a trap. But I wasn't about to lose to my own apprentice. Sparks flew as our fists clenched as tight as they could and we reached a deadlock.
Then the door to my dojo opened and Salesman walked in. Maybe it was because of the seriousness of the matter at hand, but Salesman's voice sounded really naïve as he asked, "Hey guys, do you want the last slice of pizza, or can I have it?"

We both glared at him. Taking the hint, Salesman replied, "Right, I'm just gonna go ahead and save it then."
Finally, my hard earned, natural strength, proved victorious over Gerald's chili powered energy boost. I shoved Gerald onto the ground and he sprawled on the floor unable to get up.
Weakly, he said, "No, I lost. I can't believe I lost. How could I lose? I mean, I'm smart and now, I'm incredibly strong. How could I lose?"
"First, no one calls me foolish. Second, yes, you did lose. You lost because your strength was gained through cheap chemicals. That is my fault and I am sorry. I won because my strength was gained through years of training.
However, that was a good fight, and you are a Chop Piffy master, so I kept my part of the deal. Come on, let's go kick some Dennis butt," I said, helping Gerald to his feet.
He smiled weakly and said, "I'm game. But, am I still a foolish gopher?"
Chuckling slightly, I replied, "No, you have ascended to Ornery Sailor."

Later that day, Gerald and I made our way to the football field for our confrontation with Dennis Corterbeque. The team, the Abshot Trojans, were practicing and getting ready for the start of the next season.
"Hey fellas, look who decided to show his face. Gerald Pinkinsissy. Let's say we teach him another lesson," Dennis said, rounding up his gang.
"Save it, Dennis, I'm hear to challenge you to a one on one re-match. Or are you too afraid to fight me by yourself?" Gerald asked, smirking.
"Um, Gerald, don't overdo it," I tried to tell him, but he definitely wasn't listening.
"Let all who hear my voice, come flock to see me, Gerald Pinkinsis, president of the Abshot University AV chess club, beat Dennis Corterbeque to a bloody pulp," Gerald shouted into the sky.
Like hobos in search of a bath, what seemed like millions of students gathered to the field chanting, "Fight! Fight! Fight!"
"Err, let's get this over with. I'm gonna be late for my date with Connie," Dennis said, flexing his muscles.
"Ha, trust me, you won't be going on any more dates. Let's go," Gerald said, getting into a common fight stance.
Brutishly, Dennis charged at Gerald at full speed and strength. Of course being a Chop Piffy master trained by me, this was no threat to Gerald. He quickly swiveled around Dennis and delivered a sharp chop to his neck.
"Ah! That really hurt! You're gonna pay for that, nerd!" Dennis shouted as his eyes started to tear. The crowd, meanwhile, was going wild with amazement and laughter at Dennis's expense.
Filled with almost murderous rage, Dennis actually started throwing his weights at Gerald. Gerald was able to dodge or destroy them all.
"It's over, Dennis. It's time for you to suffer for all the pain you've caused," Gerald said sternly.
No one could have ever expected what happened next. Gerald clasped his hands and released a tremendous amount of energy at Dennis. He couldn't even scream as the burning ball engulfed him. Now, instead of laughing, the crowd just stood in shock at the incredible act of violence and murder that had just happened before their eyes.
Finally, I spoke, "Gerald, you killed him. You just killed him."

"I know, and I don't care. Now I must take my leave. I'm bored with here. I'm bored with this place. I must go somewhere more interesting. Goodbye Sensei Piff, and thank you," Gerald said flying off.
Salesman spoke. "You know this was all your fault." And he was right. It was my fault. A nearly innocent person had just died because of me.
However, I didn't have time to worry about it, for a new and greater battle was looming over the horizon.

Chapter 9: Shaking The Foundation

The crowd was just starting to disband when Piff said, "Let's go Charlie."
I decided to follow, since I was gonna do that anyway, but I don't like taking orders from anybody, especially Piff.
We were halfway to the left wing when we were approached by that stringy girl from the band.
Creepily, she asked, "Hey Pete, hi Charlie. Things have been kinda weird around here, huh."
Thinking to myself, "Why did she say hi to Piff first," I replied, "Yeah, really weird uh, what's your name again?"
Sounding peeved, she said, "My name is Renee, and I have a secret."
"Renee, now why does that sound familiar. Anyway, what's your secret?" Piff said curiously.
"My secret is that I know your real names," she said menacingly.
Nervously, Piff responded, "Yeah, Peter and Charles."
"No, it's Piff and Cherry Flavored Salesman!" She said coldly.
We both froze. Finally Piff said, "Then that means your Renee Ribbon, Double P's assistant!"
I felt the energy pulsing from her as Renee said, "Yes, I am, and it's time to complete my mission." The tassels at the end of her sleeves started to grow, glow and twist. The ones at the ends of her pant legs did as well, raising her at least 7 feet. "You must die!"
Suddenly, a bolt of lighting shot from her hand and headed toward the college. Just before it reached the building, Piff launched a piece of metal that redirected the bolt back at Renee.
Her now sizzling form stood erect and said, "Nice move Piff, but redirect this!" Then two tassels shot out of Renee's sleeve and starting choking us.
As we wheezed and sputtered, the tassels threw us into the building.
Returning to her casual look, Renee said, "Well, that takes care of that, Now I can go home."
When the dust cleared, I can assume that she was surprised to hear Piff say, "Wrong, this fight is just getting started."
Confused, Renee said, "But how did you sur-, never mind. I don't know why I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, you can't live forever!"
Sharply, Piff retorted, "You'd be surprised, Renee."
Now, even more students were abandoning their safe dorms to witness the battle of almost epic proportions. Soon cops were called in to settle the quarrel. Unfortunately, they underestimated the power of the combatants.
Noticing that she now had an audience, Renee quickly turned toward the cops. "Hey boys in blue. How would you like to be black and blue!" She then picked up several vans and threw them into the police cars.
The crashing sounds could be heard two towns over, and the fire had now forced everyone from their dorms. This was a bad move for Renee. While she was playing, it gave Piff the opportunity to deliver a powerful blow to Renee's back.

As she sped through the air and neared the hard ground, Renee shot out two ribbons from her legs that constricted Piff, while I watched the whole thing. Doing this seemed to have slowed her fall. Thinking quickly, Piff did a small piffinado that pulled Renee into his outreached fist. I still don't know where he learned that move.
After staggering to his feet and out of Renee's clutches, Piff said, "Salesman, she's weakened. Take her down! I'm too drained from my fight with Gerald."
Eventually, I said, "Okay Piff," but I was really nervous. I mean, I just saw the most powerful person take a pretty good beating, and now I was supposed to beat her?
Trembling, I fired several waves of hair needles from my goatee. Just my luck, Renee was now on her feet and able to dodge my assault.
"Ha, you missed, and now to finish you both off!" Renee shouted, with more energy coming from her. She lifted a building, superheated it, and slammed it down toward Piff and I.
At almost full strength, I was able to get out of the way in the nick of time. The weakened Piff however, was not so lucky. He got hit with its full force.
That was it. Game over. Everything we had ever hoped of doing was over, pointless, finished. All I could do was run. Run away from that terrible place and start life over. The most important thing is that I never wanted to remember this again.
After running for about ten minutes, I made my way to a desert on the outskirts of town. I didn't know what to do. My life had just fallen apart before my eyes. Piff had just fallen and even though I'd never admit it, he was my best friend. I just wished I could have told him that earlier.
Then I thought of everyone else. The students, the teachers, the police, they were all at Renee's mercy. I was the only one that could stop her. It was my turn to be a hero, not a sidekick. Also, when I beat Renee, I could rub it in Piff's face. I was going back.
When I returned to the down, everything was half demolished and Renee was laughing maniacally. People were fleeing the streets and there were ambulances everywhere.
"Well, look who came back, Cherry Flavored Salesman. Have you come to avenge your fallen friend?" Renee asked pointing to Piff's motionless body on the blood stained grass.
Sternly I replied, "Yes, I have, and I'm here to make you pay."
"Ha, you're the one who's going to pay. You're gonna pay for interrupting my fun!" Renee shouted, sounding insane.
She then launched several thick tassels at me. This time though, I was determined. I swung on them like vines and made my way toward Renee. I then slammed my foot right into her stomach.
"Now who's gonna pay?" I jested.
Getting madder, Renee snapped back at me, "Still you, little cherry!"
She then hastily grabbed two buildings and attempted to crush me with them. However, I summoned two of my thickest hairs and used them to slow the buildings. That gave me time to get out of the way. Once I was out of harm's way, I allowed the two building's to come together and crush Renee with all their strength.

The dust swirled and twisted and all was silent after that. I was still on guard but it seemed as if Renee was defeated. Then, in a blur of red light, Renee punched me in the back of the neck. I quickly recovered. We were now both in the air, staring each other down. I pulled out a mid- sized hair fighting stick and Renee seemed to ignite her hand in energy. We were ready for the final duel.
Renee came on strong and started blindly throwing punches. I easily parried them all. Then she went for my stomach, but I kneed her in the ribs. In a desperate final assault, Renee engulfed me in a sea of red heat. My body was screaming as the energy tore at my skin.
Sensing victory was near, Renee made her final mistake. "Well Salesman, it's over. You've lost. But don't feel too bad. I mean, even Piff couldn't stop me."
Filled with anger, I broke up Renee's energy with my own and shouted, "I'.PIFF!"
I then slammed her head with my stick, punched her in the stomach, and threw her into the ground.
As I descended to the ground, I saw Renee's body evaporate into millions of red sparks. I then rushed over to Piff, who was starting to wake up.
"Uh, Salesman, did we win?" he asked feebly.
"We won buddy, now let's go home. We have enough chili to create a new portal," I said smiling.
Regaining his strength, Piff said, "Home sounds good."
Meanwhile, deep within a secret lair in another dimension, Renee Ribbon, in her original ribbon form, had returned to her master, Double P.
"I'm sorry, I failed," Renee said weakly.
Double P responded, "That's okay, you'll just have to be tortured later. Now, however, it is time to finish my master plan."

Chapter 10: The Mother Of All Battles

"I'm so close, I can almost feel Piff again," I thought to myself, trying to focus.
But how can you focus when you're trying to build a machine that'll bring your son back to you from who knows where?
I'm sorry, how utterly rude of me. My name is Mrs. Fippinmayer. I'm sure you know my son. Like any mother, I love him to death. But now he was missing. I was using all of my genius to find a way to find him.
Our family creates a powerful substance. Its code name is radioactive chili. What makes it so powerful is that it can be used to do practically everything, from increasing your strength to taking 14 inches off your waist. Now I was trying to use it to power a machine to find Piff.
I was getting to the final stretch of the building when I realized, "The silver's density won't interact with the ruby's cleavage, but it should work fine with that new alloy I've been toying with. I'll go get it."

As I returned with the alloy, a sudden, violent blast of air demolished the wall of my home and knocked me off my feet. Then several thick tassels came through the wall and suspended me in the air. Finally, a dark and shadowy figure burst through the door.
Realizing who it was, I snickered and said, "Well, look who decided to show up, Patsy Penguin and his two goons, Renee Ribbon and Lucius Lung."
Revealing himself, Patsy said infuriated, "My name is Double P you old purple prune!"
"Ha! I'm not afraid of you. You're just a giant bird who can't seem to take over the world," I taunted.
"You know what I've come for. Give it to me!" Patsy shouted.
"The radioactive chili? Well Patsy, I'd love to, but it seems I'm bound by your floozy," I said calmly.
Repressing his humiliated rage, Patsy commanded, "Let her go." I was released and thrown back onto the floor.
"Now, foolish old hag, give me the chili or suffer a fate worse than death!" Patsy snapped.
"No," I said simply.

Ready to explode, Patsy exclaimed, "No!? But what about the threats and the trapping and, and the henchmen? What are you gonna do about them?"
Just as calmly as before, I replied, "I'm going to fight them, beat them, and kick all of you out of my house.
Calming down, Patsy said, "And what are you gonna fight them with, your cane?"
I then unsheathed a long slender katana from my cane. "I'm going to fight them with this."
"Not bad. However, no match for my enforcers. Renee, Lucius, destroy her!" Patsy ordered.
"Yes master," both Renee and Lucius said. Then they advanced on me.
Normally, I would be more than a match for mere henchmen, but the all night researching had left me quite fatigued.
First, Renee wrapped her long, snake-like body around me, as Lucius released balls of air that had as much energy as an average tornado. Thanks to the Lenore diet, I was able to slip through Renee's body. I then used my sword to cut through the tornado balls, creating a powerful recoil for Lucius. Finally I cut Renee in half. She screamed and hollered but soon grew back together, weakened.
Back on his feet, Lucius outstretched his arm and gun and said, "Choke on this moron mom!"
But before he could let out as much as a breeze, I jammed his pipe with the handle of my katana. Once again, Lucius was blasted into the pile of rubble that was once my wall.
Now, both Renee Ribbon and Lucius Lung were lying on the floor. Finally, I channeled a small amount of energy through my sword to slightly shock them both. I had defeated the henchmen, but the devious Double P was nowhere to be found.
I searched what was left of my house until I came to the super secret chili vault. It was locked. I kicked down the door and saw none other than Double P stuffing himself with radioactive chili.
"No, you can't use that much! Who knows what'll happen?" I shouted in fright.
Setting down the his chili, Patsy replied, "I know, I'll gain the power to conquer the world! No one will be able to stop me, not even Piff."
Then tremendous energy pulsed from Double P. His weak bird form began to twist and mutate. He raised his hands and shot energy into Lucius and Renee as well. Soon their bodies began to change.
I stared at the foes that now surrounded me. I've seen these creatures in my research. They're known as humans and can be very destructive.
The new Renee Ribbon said, "Ah, I think I like this new form. After all, It beat Piff in that strange dimension, and it can do it in this one as well."
Then the new Lucius Lung said, "Indeed, Renee. Now nothing can stop the Double P Posse."
Finally, the new Double P, clad in black with a golden crown studded in jewels, raised his hand again. This time the released energy's sole purpose was to destroy me. After the flash, he looked at me with his now burning red eyes and said coldly, "Now if you excuse me, I have a world to conquer. Send my regards to your son."
Beaten and severely wounded, I said with my last breath, "Piff, my son, come home. I need you. We all need you now."

Chapter 11: The World Gets Really Screwed Up

This is when I really love my job. This is when all the pain and effort pays off, when you destroy your foe and conquer his world. I love being a villain.
"So boss, what are we doing exactly?" my naïve assistant asked me.
"I'll say it one more time. You will conquer North City and gather its residents. While Lucius conquers South Country and does the same. Then we'll all rendezvous at the Grand Center Minor Building in North City. That's where I'll be," I explained.
"Got it. Now let's get ready to rule the world," my assistant said smiling wickedly. Then we all laughed maniacally.
We spread out and launched our attack. Renee at North City, Lucius in South Country, and I made my way to the GCM building.
"Attention rulers of the world and other officials. My name is Double P, and I'll be destroying you today," and before they could respond, I released enough energy to light up the whole building.
Soon, two crowds came into view. One led by Renee and the other led by Lucius. Many different kinds of things live in this world. They include, pineapples, letters, broccoli, shellfish, dinosaurs, mutant slugs, pizzas, cans, pasta, bubble gum, giant arms and legs. The list is endless. Now they were all here, shouting in anger, confusion and fright at the sight of me on top of the demolished GCM building.
Sternly, I announced, "Attention dim-witted Southerners and rude Northerners. My name is Double P, and I'll be ruling you forever.
This brought even more commotion. Finally, one mutant slug said, "What if we don't wanna be ruled by a freak like you?
"Yeah, what are you gonna do if we don't wanna?" his dinosaur friend joined.
I raised my hands and my eyes started to glow as I raised my energy. I said, "Then you shall suffer for your insubordination!"
"What he say?" is all the two fools could say as white hot stream engulfed them.
All was now quiet. Everyone dropped down and started bowing in fear of my power. My planned had worked. I was the boss.

It had been a week since I gained control. Renee was in charge of North City with much delight, Lucius reluctantly ruled South Country, and I was control of everything. The biggest and most ironic perk, however, was that Piff's mom had been chained, tied to my throne, and re-named "Patsina".
I clapped my hands and said, "Patsina! It's four. You know what that means. Time for my afternoon praise dance.
Limply, she sung, "Yes sir. He is Double P and he's really great. I wish he would just kiss me every day. I can't believe that he isn't a god. He's just Double P."
"What? That's it!" I shouted in disgust. Then there was loud knocking on my door. "Well, it appears that the resistors are here. I'll deal with you later Patsina."
The door opened and a young shellfish and his followers appeared. The shellfish said, "My name is commander M, and my squad is here to destroy you, once and for all!"
"Young one, it is time for you to learn why no one dares to challenge me!" I shouted.
Once again I released a cloud of engulfing energy that destroyed the shellfish and his followers.
Back in the throne room, I saw Renee, Lucius, and Patsina awaiting me. I told them, "Guys, I have a problem and that means the world has problem.
"What is it boss," everyone asked except Patsina, who was quietly laughing.
"The problem is, everyday it seems like there are more resistors. There has got to be a way to keep them out of our hair," I explained.
"Well, you could stop being a such an evil dictator!" Patsina shouted.
Ignoring her, I said, "I've got it! It's so obvious. The sky!"
"The sky?" Renee asked confused.
"The sky. It's so blue and hopeful. That's not me at all. If we somehow change the sky, we could break everyone's spirit for good. No one will ever defy me again!" I explained.
"Great idea boss, but how are we gonna change the sky?" Lucius asked.
"Yeah boss, how are we gonna?" Patsina asked sarcastically.
I laughed and said, "Just leave that to me, my almost faithful servants."

I then climbed to the top of the former GCM building. Next I focused all of my energy into my hands and after raising my power as far as it would go, I released a straight beam of intense power into the Sun.
In about eight seconds, a dark fire lit the sky. Then black smoke started toward the surface and was assimilated into the atmosphere. Soon night and day were indistinguishable. Everything was just how I liked it. The final touch that made my day, was that the light from the sun had created a slight glow of dark orange and blood red.
Suddenly, a frantic pineapple approached me. He said, "Double P sir, we received reports of strange radioactive activity in a barren desert near South Country. We suspect it could be Piff returning."
"No matter. Charter a ship to take you and a squad there," I said coldly.
Terrified, the pineapple protested, "But sir he'll massacre us!"
Annoyed, I shouted, "I said charter the ship soldier, or I'll massacre you myself!"
With a blank expression on his face, the soldier took his leave and said, "I'll be right on it sir."
Perfect. Piff was back and I ruled the world. Better yet, he was about to reveal himself to me. I would soon destroy him and his little cherry friend. Then no one would ever threaten my power. Everything was proceeding as planned. I said it before, and I'll say it again. I love being a villain.

Chapter 12: The Day Piff Lost

"AAAAHHHHAAHA!" Salesman and I screamed as bright colors and flashes passed us. I'm sure you've heard this before. I was finally going back home after, with Salesman's help, beating Renee Ribbon. I was sure that there would be a victory party awaiting me.
Once again, I plopped into a patch of dirt with Salesman beside me. It appeared that we were both back in our original, organic forms.
"It looks like we're in the Gritty Desert. That means South Country should be that way," Salesman said, pointing east.
"Then let's go," I said, wanting to run away and ditch that slowpoke.
All of a sudden, a bullet whizzed past my ear. I saw that it came from one of my favorite pineapples, Z.
Reloading, Z said, "Sorry Piff, but I have orders to destroy you."
"From who?" I asked. I mean, who orders someone to destroy his friend.
"Who else? From the grand high master of the world, Double P," he said, sounding like it was no big deal.
"How long I have I been gone!" I thought to myself.
Another bullet skimmed my shoulder. "Come on Piff, let's go," Z said depressed.
"Sorry Z, but I don't surrender to anyone. Salesman, take out the soldiers," I commanded.
Our attack was swift and without mercy. With his goatee needles, Salesman quickly made the soldiers look like cacti. Meanwhile, I fell on top of Z and wrapped him in pasta.
"Now Z, Double P, where is he?" I asked urgently.
Groaning, he replied, "Easy, he's in the GCM building, with Lucius, Renee, and your mom."
Suddenly, I shouted, "My mom! What has he done to my mom!"
But before he could answer, Z passed out. Maybe I wrapped him too tight.
Picking Z up, I said, "Come on, we gotta go to the GCM building." I then pulled off my skin, placed Z on it, and allowed Salesman to climb aboard. It was time to pay the grand master a visit.
We finally got to the GCM building and saw that there was a pizza security guard in our way.
"Halt, no one sees the grand master without a reservation. Especially resistors," he said with a blank expression.
"Get outta the way, Papa John," I said, tossing him out of our way. It appeared that I had added another wound to his already bruised body. Maybe those resistors caused the others.
"I'm getting to old for this job," the pizza muttered, as Salesman and I walked through the gate.
"Dance for me Patsina," Double P ordered my enslaved mother.
"I would sir, but it seems officer PZ's station has been breeched, again. Someone is on their way here," my mom explained.
Getting off his throne, Double P said, "Probably resistors. I was so sure the sky idea would work too. I'll handle this."
Suddenly, the door flew open and I stepped through, along with Salesman and an unconscious Z.
"Piff honey, I'm so glad to see you!" my mom cried with joy as she ran toward me. Apparently she had forgotten that she was tethered and fell after running as far as her chain extended.

After laughing at my mother's expense, Double P said, "Piff, I've been expecting you. I guess your gonna defeat me and save the world, huh."
Ticked, I said, "That's exactly what I'm gonna do, but first we're going to set my mom free!"
"I'm on it Piff," Salesman said, bounding toward the throne.
"Lucius, Renee, stop him!" Double P ordered, but I whipped them out of the way.
"Salesman, take my mom to safety and nurse her back to health. I'll take care of this fool," I said. Then I took the time to take a good look at the new Double P. He looked like a human, probably from some radioactive chili. He was now four times my size instead of the usual two. I could still take him though.
After Salesman got away, I quickly sealed the door and said, "Call off your goons, this fight is just you and me, Double P."
Cocking his eyebrow, Double P replied, "Fine then. Renee, Lucius, would you be so kind?" The two henchmen slowly backed away.
"Ready, Patsy?" I taunted.
Suddenly pulsing intense, tremendous energy, Double P responded, "Always ready Piff, always. Let's go."
"PIFFINADO!" I shouted, trying to get a jump on Double P.
Everything flew off the walls and Double P's hair was swaying , but for the most part he was undamaged. He then clapped his hands. There was a dim red flash and the air around me imploded.
Quickly, after I got to my feet, Double P kicked me into a chandelier. He then shot some energy at me. It missed me, but caused the lights to explode and shock me pretty bad.
That skirmish gave me an idea. I jumped to a nearby chandelier. Then I powered up the lights and started throwing them like bombs. One or two may have hit Double P. But he dodged most of them and even caught one and threw it at me. I fell back onto the floor.
Fortunately for me, the rest of the chandelier had fallen too. I clenched it in my teeth and swung it into Double P. He flew back and slammed into the wall. Next, I grabbed onto Double P with my pasta and starting swinging him around, instead of a chandelier.
"Nice moves, Piff, but can you beat the heat?" Double P shouted.
"What? AAAHH!!" I screamed. Double P had transferred energy through the pasta ropes and into my body.
My grip loosened and Double P was freed. He quickly jumped me and said, "Time for the death combo. First, a heart-stopping sufficient hold." Double P grabbed me and squeezed with all his might and energized hands. He continued, "Finally, a terror touchdown!" As you might expect, Double P threw me across the room and onto the ground.
"Ready for another, Piff? First, a sufficient hold, " Double P said, heading my way.
This time, I was ready. When Double P's hand touched me, I crunched down on it with energized teeth. He dropped me.
As Double P shook his hand in pain, I said, "Ya know Double P, you taste terrible."
Still shaking his hand, Double P said, "Well Piff, you know that I was once a penguin. That was when I learned this little trick. It's time to make you pay. Artic energy spear!"
Double P's energy skyrocketed as a long stick of energy formed in his hand. It was blue and cold. Once it was completed, Double P speared me with it at an incredible speed.

My eyes bulged as the energy passed through me. I fell through the window and was barely able to pull off my skin to fly away. The good thing was that I was still able to sense Salesman's energy. Apparently, he had found a safe place.
I soon came to small apartment in the North City slums. There I saw Salesman and my mom.
My mom ran and hugged me as Salesman said, "Piff, you're here. Your mom was in pretty bad shape, but I fixed her up as best I could."
With her arms still smothering me, my mom said, "Oh Piff, you look so hurt. What happened? I bet it was that old jerk Patsy Penguin."
"It was Mom, but don't worry about it. What we do need to worry about is taking down Double P. If only I was stronger," I said, ashamed of my defeat by such an unworthy foe.
"Maybe you can dear, maybe you can. Follow me boys. You are lucky I always keep some emergency science supplies with me," my mom said, taking us into what seemed to be a kitchen.

Meanwhile, back at the GCM building, Double P was making an announcement to his people. "Attention people of the world. Your king has a job for you. There is a bounty on the head of Pippinfiff W. Fippinmayer. You may know him as Piff. I will award $2,000,000 and a position as one of my royal warriors to anyone who can either kill, or subdue Piff. Either way, you must bring his body to me."
As he walked back into his throne room, his assistant Renee asked, "Are you sure that was a good idea sir?"
"Of course, young evil one. Soon Piff will be out of our hair forever. Then we will rule forever more without anyone to threaten us," Double P said calmly.
Back at the apartment, I thought to myself, "You better watch yourself, Double P. I'll be back, and when I get to you, you're gonna pay."
I then took a look at the depressing scorched sky. He was definitely going to pay.

Chapter 13: Plan B

All we could do was guess while my mom pulled out mysterious components from her bag. All she said was that she had figured out a way for us to beat Double P. Considering my last defeat, we would need all the help she could give.
"Boys, while you were gone I was working on a machine that would bring you back from that other dimension. Once I heard that you were returning, I secretly started changing the machine so that it could give you power from the other dimension, " my mom explained.
"So enough with the geek-speak and give us the machine already!" Salesman yelled impatiently.
"I know we all wanna defeat Patsy, but things take time. I haven't finished the machine yet. All I've done is to make this chip that gathers and releases energy from other dimensions," my mom said.
We were all stumped and sad. Our best chance of defeating Double P and saving the world wasn't finished yet. Then I had an idea.

"Mom, what exactly does the chip do again?" I asked.
"All it does is store and release inter-dimensional energy. But it still needs a vessel to use the energy. That's the problem, we don't have a finished vessel," my mom said depressed again.
The I asked, "Well, by any chance could Salesman or I be the vessels?"
"I already thought of that. The energy is so power and so potent, it would overwhelm your system," my mom explained. We were stumped again.
"One more thing Mom, couldn't we use something to kinda insulate or dilute the energy. Something to ration it out?" I asked.
Mom perked up and started to grin as she said, "I could do that. I could really do that. Give me 15 minutes boys." Then she ran into another room of the apartment with her supplies.
Seventeen minutes later, my mom reappeared with something that looked like two giant spiders. Could they be our miracle weapons.

"Boys, put these chips over your hearts," my mom ordered, and we did. Then she said, "Now hold these up to your chest." We did, and something strange happened. The spiders latched onto our bodies and wouldn't let go.
"Mom, is this normal?" I asked, starting to get worried. She nodded.
Finally, the machines stopped and Salesman and I were covered in thousands of metal wires.
"Since both of you are probably already covered in outer-dimensional energy, just press the harvest button on the chip," my mom explained.
As soon as we did, we were both filled with the pain of going through a chili portal. Probably because the machines were powered by radioactive chili. When the dust settled and the lights stopped, Salesman and I were in our strange other forms, or our human forms. "One thing boys. There's still energy in the wires. Do with them what you want. Good luck boys, the whole world is counting on you two," my mom told us.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door and we heard loud murmuring outside. I took a look out the window and saw thousands of people outside. They were shouting things like, "They're in here I know it," and "I see him, he's there in the window!"
"Double P must have put a bounty on us!" Salesman shouted, but I think we all knew that.
"What a perfect time to test out our new powers," I said excited.
"Kill them?" my mom protested. She was a sympathetic type.
"It's the only way Mom. Come on Salesman, let's bust some heads," I said, heading downstairs.
I opened the door and all was quiet. Everyone looked at me with a sad look. I knew they didn't want to hurt me, but they were afraid of Double P's power. After all, he beat me.
First, a robot lemon leaped at me. His metal hand had just touched my face when my energy sent surges of power that crashed his system.
A wad of bubble gum started the stretch around Salesman. Salesman, however, used his goatee to cut himself free. Soon, everyone was on us.

Lights flashed and bodies flew as we worked our way through the crowd toward the GCM building, and Double P.
I used waves of dimensional energy to blow away many people at once. Salesman, who was having trouble, picked up a weak paperclip, unraveled him, and used him as a staff.
The GCM building was in sight and Salesman I were fighting our hardest. The more we fought, the more of my friends got hurt and the angrier I got at Double P. I felt like ripping his head off, when I saw that Salesman was forced to spear several people with his staff.
Finally, we reached PZ's security outpost. We were expecting a fight, but we were surprised when PZ opened the gate and said, "Kick his butt twice for me."
We smiled and made our way in, but we stopped when a series of arrows came toward us. After dodging them, we saw that they came from a band of hostile natives. I recognized them as the same natives Double P brainwashed to attack me before.
"One more obstacle to pass. I think we can handle it," I said to Salesman.
"Let's do it Piff, one more time," Salesman replied.

Salesman blocked the arrows with his staff while I released even more waves of energy. I cracked open one of the arrows and splashed the mob with poison. We picked off the survivors with ease. It was time to challenge Double P to the final battle.
"Double P!" I shouted. "All of your pitiful attempts have failed. If you really want me dead, you'll have to fight me yourself. Just to warn you, I'm more powerful now.
Three people shot from the GCM building, Renee Ribbon, Lucius Lung, and the evil tyrant himself, Double P.
"Fine Piff, I'll fight you. If you can take another beating. This will be the battle to end all battle. I guess you could call it the battle for the world. That seems way too dramatic for me though. Let's just have a nice fight," Double P said casually.
He was right, the battle for my world was about to begin.

Chapter 14: One P Is Stronger Than Two

Skin piercing wind and belt like ribbons were coming for me. That coward, Double P, had just had his lackeys attack me. I pushed the attacks out of my way. My mom and best friend, Salesman, jumped Lucius and Renee.
"We'll take care of these guys, Piff. Just take out Double P for us," Salesman said reassuringly. My mom and Salesman then spiraled away with Renee and Lucius in their clutches.
However, I was knocked to the ground by Double P while I was preoccupied. I was able to pop back up quickly. It would take more than that to beat me.
"I'm more powerful now, Double P. I thought you knew that? I guess cockiness killed the cat," I taunted.
"That may be so, but this kills you!" Double yelled.

He then threw another arctic energy spear at me. It took a lot of power, but I was able to catch the spear just before it ruined my face. I soon charged the spear with my energy and it exploded, throwing Double P into a nearby building.
A bright flash obliterated the rocks and Double P flew out of the rubble with his fist outstretched. As he came near me, I extended my fist. Soon, our fists collided and a massive shockwave shook the area.
Licking blood off his chin, Double P said, "Curse you Piff. You can't keep this up forever."
"Don't worry about me. You should be worried about that broken leg," I said.
Confused, Double P asked, "What broken leg?"
I then ran my leg into Double P's knee and twisted it into his back. He screamed and hollered and his eyes bulged. It looked pretty painful.
"Oh Piff, you of all people should know what I'm about to do," Double P said, calm once more.
Soon a red glowing line crept from Double P's brain into his leg which returned to its proper position.

"Radioactive chili, of course. Pretty good trick Double P. Too bad it can't beat me for you," I said.
Double P ignored me and continued fighting. No matter how hard he punched or how clever his attacks were, Double P couldn't land a clear shot on me. Of course, it wasn't any different for me, but I obviously wasn't trying as hard. Maybe, because I knew I could beat him.
My arrogance soon cost me. "Going up Piff?" Double P said.
He kicked through the door of a building straight into the elevator. I was tossed like a salad as the elevator neared the top. I punched through the ceiling and saw Double P waiting for me on the roof.
"Hi Piff, how was that?" Double P asked, sneering at me.
"Pretty mediocre if you ask me. But I'll give you points for creativity," I replied.
"Then let's see how many points this is worth," Double P said.

Raising his power once again, Double P leaped into the air and came back down, his hands covered in energy. I grabbed them with surprising difficulty. His hands were really hot. I then tossed Double P into the air and blasted him into the blackened sky.
There was a dark orange flash and a trail of smoke as Double P fell back down. He was covered in ash and looked like a beaten up chimney sweep.
As Double P's eyes opened and he started to groan and spit out teeth, I said, "Now that's a quality move, Double P. Nice effects and full pain as well."
"Argh, catch me if you can Piff!" Double P shouted as he took off into the air. I soon followed.
It was dark and hard to see, but I could still tail Double P. I guess he could hear my coughs though.
"Big mistake Piff. Black is my element. Now take at look at this, if you can!" Double P shouted at me.
First there were two white flashes. Then there was only pitch black around me. I had fallen into Double P's trap. I had to navigate through thick smoke that Double P created just for me.
Scared for once, I looked around and squinted, trying to find my near invisible enemy. Sweat slowly moved down my forehead and stung my eyes with their ash deposits. Then a gold blur shot pass me.
Soon I felt powerful blows all around my body. Double P wasn't kidding when he said black was his element. I tried to fire at him, but I appeared to miss every time. Finally, I was dealt a blow so hard I couldn't sustain flight. I plummeted toward the ground.
I tasted wet sand and groggily got to my feet. I opened my eyes and found that I could see again. I was in my home town, South Country, at Edob Lake.
"You just lost your advantage Double P. I can see again," I shouted to a spot in the air which appeared to be Double P.
He came down to me and said, "Well, it seems I have. No matter. I can still beat you like this. Sufficient hold!" He tightened his hand around my neck.
I shoved my feet into Double P's gut and freed myself of the hold. Staying low to the ground, I raced away from him.
Double P shouted, "There's no escape Piff," and raced after me.

I flew as fast as I could, quickly maneuvering past tall cornstalks. Soon the pungent smell of pig was in the air. I was close to my destination. It was Double P's turn to fall into a trap.
An energy ball just missed my head and caused a violent fire to erupt in farmer McDoodlepie's barn. That could actually work to my advantage.
I stopped flying and landed on the ground. Double P stopped as well. He threw a fast punch. I grabbed his arm and threw him into the burning barn, screams and all.
"Where'd he go, where did he go?!" Double P screamed, trying to dodge red hot embers that were falling near him.
I flew through the barn wall and said, "I'm right here, Double P. Now it's your turn to find me."
I quickly kicked a burning pile of hay and blew its dust toward Double P with a piffinado. He coughed and tried to hit me, but couldn't see me through his swelling eyes.
"You know, I pulled off this same trick with Lucius. It just proves how much smarter you are. I guess you've had enough Double P. Maybe you can see this!" I said, throwing two energy orbs at him.

"AHHHHHHH!!!" he screamed as the energy swarmed him. Finally, all I could hear was the crackling fire around us.
Suddenly, Double P's voice broke the silence, "That's enough, ha!"
In his next assault, Double P took off his crown. It unfolded into a shuriken, or a chucking star. He threw it at me, cutting the air as it came across.
I tried blocking it, but the shuriken sliced and destroyed all of my energy attacks. It hit me with full impact and I was thrown into the wall. Its hot boards were tearing at my back, but what was coming next was much worse.
"It's time for you to die Piff!" Double P shouted.
He then drove his foot into my groin. While my eyes watered, my head snapped forward. Double P covered it with energy from his hand. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life.
With his foot in my groin and his energized hand around my face, Double P asked, "Any last words before you die? You know I had to ask that. It's a villain thing."
Though my eyes were burning, my face was melting and my crotch was being crushed, I choked out a loud whistle.
First, Double P looked puzzled. Then a bright yellow-orange blur knocked him out of the barn, freeing me. It was none other than my good friend, the Ravenous Duck.
Still in pain, I slowly flew out of the barn. Remembering what Double P once did, I used some radioactive chili to heal myself. While the Ravenous Duck was mauling Double P's face, I started thinking of a plan.
"QQQQWWWAAAUUAACKKKKK!!!" the Ravenous Duck screamed, as Double P started to burn him off his face.
There was finally an appetizing smell in the air, as I saw smoldering Ravenous Duck flying away to cool off and survive.
Breathing heavily, Double P faced me again. His face was covered with assorted wounds and he had a pretty nasty cut running down his left cheek.
It was time to start my plan. First, I latched onto Double P and started flying north. We spiraled and struggled as South Country passed us by. Soon, we were back at the GCM building.
Next I appealed to Double P's arrogance and easily started to flatter him, "Oh great Double P, ruler of the world. I, Piff, surrender. I'm now free for you to control however you want."
Double P wasn't as stupid as he seemed. Definitely suspicious, he asked, "Fine then, what do you have to offer?"
I replied, "Your infinite wisdom has stripped me of almost everything, lord. All I have left to offer is my energy."
Smiling greedily, Double P said, "That'll do fine. Make with the energy, if you're truly my servant that is."
"Of course master," I said smiling as well, but for a completely different reason.
I then pressed the release button on the machine and grabbed hold of Double P, who was looking very pleased. Bright red energy flooded from me into Double P, who started to glow.
"Yes, yes! I feel the energy! You have served me well ,Piff. Now no one shall ever defy me again. With this power, there's nothing I can't do. I will move on and conquer other dimensions as well. Soon the entire universe will bow at the mention of my name, DOUBLE P!!" Double P shouted.
As expected, I reverted back to my original eggplant form. I started to laugh and said, "I know something you can't do, master."
Annoyed, Double P asked, "What, my now ungrateful slave?"
"You can't stop me from destroying you! You fell right into my trap and now you're going to pay for all the suffering you caused. It ends now Double P. You've lost!" I shouted, removing the machine from me.
Practically terrified, Double P said, "No, no! You must be bluffing. With all of your energy nothing can destroy me. Nothing, you hear me. Nothing!
Laughing even harder, I said, "Silly Double P, my energy is for good guys. What you got is a whole lot of radioactive chili.
Calming down a little bit, Double P said, "So what, that's still some pretty powerful stuff. I can rule the world with it."
Now laughing like a hyena, I said, "It may be powerful, but it's made you extremely vulnerable to my most powerful attack. Chili destruction."
Double P's eyes went blank with fear. Sweat gushed from every pore. He now realized that he was beaten. "Piff, curse you," he said blankly.
Focusing all my energy on Double P, my body emitted a blinding light and my eyes started to glow a bright red. I then shouted, "It's time to pay once and for all, Double P. CHILI DESTRUCTION!!!"

Everything stopped and the space around Double P viciously started to stir. Red lines shot all through Double P. First his eyes dislodged. Then various other body parts did the same. A small explosion happened within them and Double P crumbled into dust. Then a red vortex appeared and the dust was pulled into it, along with everything around it. Finally, a small chili pepper formed and it imploded into nothingness.
I descended to the ground and thought about everything that had happened. Many people were dead and I felt like dying. Although it took awhile, everything turned out as planned.
I thought to myself, "I did it, the threat of Double P was over and it was all thanks to me."
Feeling like my old self, I thought, "As soon as I restore everyone, they'll throw a big parade for the hero of their planet.
I then raced off remembering, "Mom and Salesman are still fighting!"

Chapter 15: All Wrapped Up

"AAAHH ugh!" Renee Ribbon groaned, as my mom delivered the final blow to her head with the handle of her sword.
"Wow, Piff honey. How did the fight go? You look normal again," my mom said, noticing me.
"I won the fight Mom, but it left me totally drained. Take Renee and let's go find Salesman," I said.
I laid out my skin and took off with Mom and Renee, going from the North City slums back to South Country.
"Take this Lucius!" Salesman said, pinning him onto the wall of a house, ending the fight.
Salesman was fighting Lucius Lungs in the South Country suburbs.
"Nice work Salesman, now we have one more thing to fix," I said. We all flew off to the GCM building.
It's more fun than you think being at the top of the world. The top of my world is the top of the GCM building. That's where I was, ready to fix everything.
"Ready hun?" my mom asked, sounding worried.
"Ready Mom," I said, now in position.
Once again I focused all of my energy, concentrating as hard as I could. A white beam shot from my mouth into the sky. The dark clouds began to break up and peace returned. All over the planet, everyone who had fallen victim to Double P was being restored. The world was finally getting back to normal. The beam continued, weakened, and disappeared. Then I passed out.
"Piff? Piff wake up!"
"Oh please wake up Piff," my mom said. I was waking up.
I stood up and saw that I was in my human form. Mom must have restored it.
"Why'd you change my body back, Mom," I asked.
"Well, you seemed to like it. I was just trying make my little hero happy," my mom said, very mom-like.
Blushing, I asked, "Mom, do ya have to be so mom. Anyway, I think you'll like this form too."
"What do you mean?" my mom asked, obviously confused.
I raised my hand and released some chili induced energy. It circled around my mom, changing and enhancing her body. My way of saying thanks. Sappy huh.
"Okay, okay, hugs and kisses all around, but we still have a problem, " Salesman said, killing the sentimental mood.
"Okay, what's the problem Salesman," I asked.
"What are we gonna do with these two?" Salesman said, pointing to Renee and Lucius, who were pinned to the wall.
When we went outside, we saw practically the whole world awaiting us. There were people who had just been restored, and people who just hated Double P. They were holding signs praising me. A mutant slug and his dinosaur friend were holding a sign that read, "PIFF ROCKS MY SOCKS!" Most importantly, Z, PZ, and M were there to congratulate me on my victory.
I reached the podium and spoke into the microphone. "How many of you hate Double P?"
A roar of "I DO!" arose from the crowd except for one "I don't", which was quickly silenced.
I then said, "How many of you hate his lackeys, Renee Ribbon and Lucius Lung?"
Another "I DO" arose. This time the "I don't" came from Renee and Lucius themselves.

"Then join me in saying, NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!" I shouted excitedly.
The whole crowd joined me. Everyone around the world was singing the same song. I then opened a chili portal. Salesman passed me Renee and Lucius. I threw both of them into the portal, completely ending the threat.
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!! NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!" they shouted as they fell into the infinite void. I made sure the dimension they entered was devoid of anything. I wanted them to suffer forever for their evil deeds.
The crowd was cheering wildly now and no one could blame them. We had achieved what every world had dreamed of since the dawn of time, eternal peace.
The next day, I was awoken once again by a cheering crowd. I peered out the window, and saw me! At least, a balloon of me. Apparently, the people of my world had thrown a parade in my honor.
I raced down the stairs and was suddenly escorted out of the GCM building by bodyguards and carried down a red carpet. I was the guest of honor.

Pushing away the bodyguards, I said, "Really guys, I can take care of myself. Anyway, who would want to hurt m-aaah ugh." I fell to the fell unconscious.
The bodyguards were frantic. The whole crowd was stunned. After several seconds, I popped back up and said, "Gotcha."
There was a roar of both laughter and disapproval. Salesman and Mom had just come down. Salesman was laughing while my mom was frowning.
"That was bad joke Piff, but I could never stay mad at you," my mom said slightly chuckling.
No one was mad that day. There was too much fun to be had. This was a day for fun, pizza, and sugar. One perfect day.

Well, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I guess I'm just way too smart to ruin my story with a moral. But I guess all you Moms out there can find something close enough. Try, don't judge people on how they look. Or, it doesn't matter how weird you are, you can still be a hero. Take your pick.
Now, I know some of you didn't like the story and are probably gonna make fun of it. Well the jokes on you, because you just wasted your money and/or a big chunk of your time. Ha ha.
And all you Hollywood executives, if you're looking for a summer blockbuster, you just read it. Just so you know, I don't work cheap, but I'm totally worth it. Trust me. Make my life story a movie and you'll be set for life.
One more thing. Even though I don't like morals, I do have something serious to say. Never ever be afraid to- "PIFF! Get back to work!"
Yeah boss. Sorry. I guess I forgot to tell you. Since Double P is dead, farmer McDoodlepie is making me rebuild his barn. So much for eternal peace, huh.
"PIFF! When you're done with that fence, I want you to shear the sheep, tip the cow, milk the chickens, and shave the goats-"
Yeah, I get it!
"Don't back sass me. I don't care if you did save the world. You still owe me a barn! Now get to work!"
Sure thing boss. Hey people, I do have one more moral for you. No matter what you do, never try to please a farmer, or a sailor for that matter.
"Who the dandy are you talking to you lousy slacker. Why I've never seen this kind of laziness. You're lucky I'm old. If this was the old country, I'd tan your hide like a tiny pig weasel!"
I don't even know what that means. Like I said, my life is weird. But at the same time, it's cool. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I guess that means that this is.

THE END, SATISFIED?