Love. Don’t need it, don’t want it. Who would want an emotion that makes your palms sweat, your heart race, your head all a flurry? Who would want to lose control of their body for some stupid who is too caught up in physics or videogames to notice that yes, your hands are dripping sweat? I wouldn’t, that’s for sure.

But unfortunately, Love is one of those things that enjoys mocking Logic and it’s frail grip on the mind. Love comes bursting into the brain like an egotistical, slightly drunk lion. It walks right over to Logic and says “This is my brain now!”. And Logic, in a meek, pathetic tone, says “OK,” and retreats to the dark corners of your mind where the useless knowledge is stored, like the capital of Uzbekistan and your brother’s birthday.

Sometimes Love will take its sweet ol’ time getting settled in. Maybe it doesn’t like the furniture Logic had, so it has to order all new sets. Maybe the TV isn’t big enough; since Love knows it’s going to be there for a while, maybe he’ll order a flat screen plasma TV to replace it. And then finally, Love will settle into the sofa and begin to work his cruel, evil magic.

You’ll be sitting in math class one day, and BOOM! You’ll hear Love’s lion roar resonating in your oral cavities. You’ll look right and left, and then WHAM! Your visual devices will fixate themselves on the person in front of you and BANG! Love has found the perfect prey.

You’ll start thinking about this individual. At first, it will only be now and then. Then it’s a few times a day. Then a few times at night. Suddenly, every sight, sound, smell, taste, and feeling reminds you of them. You can’t complete your homework without remembering quite vividly what this individual’s cologne was that day, or how they had this one (incredibly adorable) strand of hair hanging in their eyes (which you now write poetry about, comparing them to the moon). You doodle hearts onto your school notebooks. You can’t sleep at night because you can’t stop thinking about them. Your world comes to a screeching halt.

Coincidentally, your mom thinks you’ve been possessed by brain-eating vampires because you’ve missed “Gilmore Girls” for two weeks in a row. You calmly explain that it’s zombies who eat brains, not vampires. You only know this because the individual you are fixated on happens to watch “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” religiously. It’s your new favorite show. So what if you think the supernatural is a joke?

Then, miracle of miracles! Your teacher, in hopes of inspiring friendship around the world, assigns you and this individual that Love has it’s eyes on to the same project. You’re not quite sure how this spreads friendship around the world, but this does mean that the individual will be at your house every day. You imagine walking along the beach, hand in hand; they’re imagining free pizza and an A+. What do you care? They’re all yours!

Love, however, likes to make you stammer around them. You spill your drink down the front of your favorite shirt, which you wore to impress this certain individual. They, naturally, don’t notice that you got dressed up, but they do hand you a napkin to soak up the Pepsi. You think it’s a sign. When you go to sit next to them in your kitchen, you miss the chair and hit the floor. When they finally notice you’ve disappeared (only after they discover that they have no more pizza on their plate), you make up a lame excuse about examining the linoleum. Yeah, right. Good one. Loser.

Love doesn’t stop there, though. You start dreaming about the individual. You talk about them so much that your friends won’t associate with you anymore. You have your wedding planned down to the last second. Not only did you forget your brothers birthday (the date tucked away with useless knowledge, along with Logic), you forgot your birthday. You thought the birthday cake was wedding cake, and kept wondering where your love was. You were supposed to celebrate together, after all.

Obviously, Love has evolved. You have welcomed Obsession into your brain. Logic almost put up a fight. Almost.

One day, you enter school. You already know where your Beloved is, thanks to the tracking device you bought and implanted on them. Running through the halls, you are closer and closer to your destination, until you reach it. A terrible sight greets your eyes, though. the individual you so dearly loved is kissing another. Something in your mind shakes. It is Logic, trying to reach you before Heartbreak does. Alas, it is beaten back easily.

As Heartbreak settles in, so does Depression. On the weekends, you like on your bed, listening to mournful violin solos on your Discman, the only CD player you have left after selling your stereo system so you could afford the tracking device. Nothing can convince you to leave your bed. Not food, drink, friends, or even “Gilmore Girls”. You cry continually, bemoaning your sad existence and wishing you’d never been born.

Quite suddenly, Logic erupts from the depths, full of Rage and Confidence. It slaps you around and grabs Love, unmasking it for what it really was- Lust. It beats Obsession to the ground, conquers Heartbreak in a heartbeat, and deprives Depression of sad love songs and mournful poetry. Finally, Logic goes to the garbage can, gets rid of the bad emotions, takes back it’s furniture, and settles in.

You get up, go downstairs, get a carton of ice cream from the freezer, and catch the last half hour of “Gilmore Girls”.