Poor villains, always getting trunced by those annoying heroes ;). But you can't deny it's their own fault, as often as not. So, after watching a few old James Bond movies, I decided to create a villainess who is practical for a change. Tune in as Mallory tells you the story of her life! (And if this short prologue makes you giggle a few times, let me know!)

PROLOGUE

Oh, hi. I wasn't really expecting anyone. I'm kinda in a hurry, you know. Getting dressed for the annual Dark-Lords-R-Us Association Meeting. Before you ask: no, I don't normally look like something out of a fetishist's bad dream. Black leather to such as black leather suits, I always say. Knee-high spike-heeled steel-topped sexy combat super-shoes are for those who can actually move in them. But, you know, this is the D-L-R-U AM. Gotta keep up a standard for the guys.

Gak. Bloody eyeliner. Now I look like a panda. That's what you get for doing two things at a time. Lemme just clean it up... Thing is, thing is, I can't let the guys down. They really look up to me something awful. See, I'm the one who actually did it. I'm the Evil Overlady Who Was Successful.

No, just think about it. How many Evil Rulers do you know that haven't been overthrown due to some incredibly silly mistake they made? Sauron, for one. Don't even get me started on Sauron. And Lord Vader? Puh-leez! At least it took them several hundred years to finally do away with Sauron. Vader was a poseur, and an incompetent one, at that.

I used to think Moriarty was pretty cool, until he suddenly decided to hand-to-hand fight that pesky detective, a man notably skilled in hand-to-hand combat, over a frickin' great waterfall! I mean, his is a world that supports rather advanced technology, so why not shoot the guy outright?

Pah. Excuse me. Mistimed fair play is my pet peeve. Anyway, as Dark Lords go, stupidity seems to be one of the requirements for the job. Or seemed to be, until I came along. I have avoided all the pitfalls, I thrive where others have failed. I'm a celebrity figure. They'll be wanting me to give a lecture, I bet.

Multi-shaped Goddess, is it already so late? I gotta fly! Ta-ta!

Yee-aaw! Ow! Ow!

Uh... I'm alive. Bloody shoes. And, incidentally, a bloody nose now, too. Thank you for the tissue, it's most appreciated. At times like this, I remember what ole' Gramps used to say: “Style is good, but user-friendliness is better”. I'll go change...

Yee-aaw!

Oh, swell. I broke my ankle.

Sniff... And to think I had the lecture all prepared...

I-- can? D'you really mean it?

Thanks! Let's start at the beginning, shall we? My name is Mallory, but I've been going as Malloricia these past few years.

Fine, then. You can call me Mall.