Title: Memory River

Rating: pg-13

Summary: The noise and buzz of past events, the memories, they all consumed him, and as he sat looking out over the city, he wondered if his life would ever be peaceful…

Disclaimer: I own the Characters and the story line but in all events please remember that this is F I C T I O N and that none of it is real. All bands mentioned, TV programmes and possibly Countries or Cities are real and I do not own them, any quotes used are owned by their author but have been labelled accordingly.

Please note: No characters were hurt in the making of this story, how ever by all legal rights the author will not take responsibility for the actions of some members. The actors in this story are professionals and have been trained to perform these stunts. Please do not attempt to re-enact anything you have seen today.

Enjoy the Show.

Inspired by: “State of The Art.”- DJ Lethal feat. Chester Bennington.

Memory River.

“Memories consume, like opening the wounds I’m picking me apart again…”- Linkin Park. “Breaking the Habit.”

The wind was up, ripping through the long grass and the leaves on the trees that framed the scene of the ocean far off in the distance. Clouds that glided over the blue skies as they were pushed through the air by the wind, occasionally masked the sun. To him it was beautiful, peaceful far from what he had as a life and as he sat on the small wooden bench, wrapped in a thick grey hoodie despite the warmth he wondered why his life couldn’t be as peaceful as this, the beautiful scene that greeted his tired eyes as he watched in silence, taking in everything that met him.

He heard the French doors to the house slide open, the laughter from the TV greeting him making him cringe a little as his peaceful silence was broken. Then the silence came back as the door was shut softly, to engulf and trap the sounds from within the house. He didn’t look up as the wind ran though his black hair and over his pale skin that had once been beautifully golden from hours skating under the Californian sun. He shivered a little and wrapped the baggy sleeves of the hoodie that had once fitting him perfectly, tighter around him just as he felt someone sit down silently beside him, already knowing who it was and not tearing his gaze from the scene of the beautiful blue ocean and the distant city, to look into the warm brown eyes that once were like his.

“Hey what you doing out here huh?” the soft caring voice asked him, a hand resting on the back of his neck gently, fingers playing with his black hair a little. “You’re meant to be inside resting.”

“Couldn’t lie in that bed for much longer.” He murmured quietly, no longer able to use his full voice, he was too weak. “I needed to get some air.”

“Joe and I were worried, Alex.”

He closed his eyes, drawing his knees up to chest, hugging them tightly, hiding his now bony hands under the cuffs of his hoodie. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” The voice never once was angry, only understanding. “Just please tell me where you’re going next time…please?”

He nodded a little. “Promise.”

There was a sigh before the body next to him moved closer, an arm wrapping around his shoulders. He didn’t move, just kept staring out over the garden, loving the breeze despite how cold it made him; it was always so cold now, even in the summer.

“Have you taken your meds?”

He nodded a little. He had taken them for once with out being reminded, he had wanted to enjoy this view with out his concentration slipping once. He was glad he had taken them now, he knew the arguments that would ensue and now, he was just too tired to argue anymore, none of it was really worth it anyway, not now.

“Alex, please talk to me.”

He sighed and closed his eyes, his mind already missing the beautiful sight that had adorned him. “And say what?”

“Tell me what you’re thinking, tell me anything.” There was a pleading tone now, soft and begging, almost like a broken hearted lover asking for answers but never getting them.

“I was just thinking about stuff is all.” He answered vaguely, not wanting to delve into what had really been plaguing his mind.

“Like?”

He opened his eyes, turning just a little to regard his older brother, his expression empty, his eyes dull against pale skin. “Memories, you know?”

His brother nodded but still looked confused. “What memories?”

“Memories.” He answered weakly turning back to the view not wanting to miss it anymore. “Just things that have happened.”

“Like?”

“Like you telling me you’re gay.” He answered a little heatedly. “Or the time mom and dad kicked me out because of the drugs, or the time I woke up in hospital and you told me Mark was dead, because of me, because I was an idiot!”

“Hey, shh, it’s okay.” He felt himself become engulfed in the hug as the tears burnt his eyes. “Alex, it’s okay, please you’ve gotta move on from all that stuff, you need to stay positive.”

“Why? Because the doctors said? Because the doctors think it’s bad for me if I think about how Lee left me? How I wasn’t good enough for him?” He answered his voice cracking. “Because I can’t stop thinking about that! I can’t just stop thinking about how my life is because of what I’ve done!”

“I know, I know Lexi, but you’ve gotta stop blaming yourself, Lee didn’t leave you because of who you are, and yes you made mistakes but everyone does.” Rob sighed, kissing the top of his head. “Alex please, you’ve gotta think about getting better.”

“The only good thing is the time I spent with you.” He ignored his brothers pleads. “Everything, you were the only I could depend on, you never let me down.”

“Alex, please…”

“It’s the only thing I did right, and I didn’t do anything, I just listened you know? I just listened because you always meant so much more to me than mom and dad ever did.” He babbled on, his voice cracking as he cried freely now, not caring if his brother saw what a state he had become, it was the first real emotion he had shown in months anyway. “It was the only thing that seems to have made this whole mess worth it…”

---

Alex ran up to the front door of his brother’s apartment, panting softly. He had run all the way from school just to get here, hoping that he wasn’t too early or too late, he knew Rob hated it when he was late. He couldn’t have been much older than fifteen at the time; it was Autumn, if Autumn ever existed in LA as people were starting to get ready for the Halloween period. Still panting he knocked on the door to the apartment, hoping it didn’t rain when he decided to head home. The last thing he needed was to be soaked and tired, especially if mom was home.

The door opened eventually, the pale blue door pulling back to reveal Alex’s reflection, well almost except for the man before him was taller and older by three years and he looked more grown up, Alex was just a kid, a silly kid.

“Heyya Bro.” Rob grinned warmly and stepped back to let his baby brother in. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Me too.” Alex answered dumping his bag by the door as he made his way into the kitchen, his favourite room in Rob’s small apartment. “I had to skip art class for this.”

“Sorry Lexi, but this couldn’t wait.” Rob answered following Alex into the kitchen, taking a seat opposite his brother. “I really need to tell you this…”

“Oh what is it?” Alex asked not yet catching onto the serious tone in his brother’s voice as he twisted his body in the chair to pull open the fridge and grab a small can of cola.

“Erm well, I dunno how to say this exactly so I’m just gunna come straight out with it okay?” Rob stammered a little, his serious frown never leaving his face. “I’m gay.”

Alex nearly dropped the can as he spun around in his seat to stare at his older brother, his eyes wide. He wasn’t sure if he had heard right, sometimes he heard things that weren’t really there, so maybe this was one of those times, maybe Rob was messing with him again, or maybe it was the truth, Rob’s face was almost a scowl, a serious scowl.

“You’re… gay?” Alex stammered himself as he stared at his brother in disbelief. “Are you sure?”

Rob nodded. “Yes Alex I’m sure.”

“But… I mean… how do you know?” Alex stumbled over his words.

“Because I slept with a guy and I realised that it’s what I want.” Rob answered truthfully.

“What? When?” Alex asked feeling that he had been denied of information suddenly.

“About two months ago, at that frat party I went to.” Rob explained with vagueness. “I was drunk, I’ll admit but not drunk enough to not know what I was doing.”

“Are you sure it wasn’t just the alcohol?” Alex asked still a little shocked.

Rob shook his head. “No it wasn’t the alcohol Alex, look… I know it’s a bit hard to accept try and see it from my point of view okay. I’m gay and as hard as that is to believe, it’s also the truth.”

---

“Alex,” Rob sighed pulling away from his brother enough to look him in the eyes. “Alex you have to stop this, you’re not helping yourself, you’re making yourself worse.”

“I don’t care.” He muttered, wiping his eyes. “I haven’t got anything worth getting better for have I? I mean look at my life Rob! I failed our parents, I have to live with the fact I killed one of the two men I love with all my heart, I have no proper education, I lost Lee because of who I am…”

“That’s not true Alex and you know it!” Rob interjected, hating that his brother was giving up so easily. “You are a beautiful person Alex and who ever can’t see that is stupid!”

Alex shook his head pushing away from Rob now wanting to be alone, not wanting to hear his brother telling him what he thought was wrong. “Leave me alone.”

“Alex…”

“I said leave me alone!” He yelled, pushing himself off the seat, nearly stumbling, his body not ready for him to move so quickly. “Just leave me the fuck alone! All of you just leave me alone!”

He turned away from his brother heading further down the lawn, not noticing his brother following him until the older man’s stronger arms wrapped around his waist, stopping him from escaping back to his own world again. He cried out and struggled with all his strength, his efforts weak anyway as he cried, trying to get away from his brother, trying to escape the grip his brother had on him before gave up completely, his legs giving out under him as he sobbed, now clinging to his brother desperately.

“Please just leave me alone.” He sobbed shaking his head. “Please I’m begging you!”

“No Alex!” Rob shook his head, falling to the ground with him looking at him with dark eyes. “I won’t leave you alone, I won’t give up on you!”

“Why bother?” He choked looking away.

“Because you’re my brother Alex, who was there for you when mom and dad kicked you out huh? Who was there when you had nowhere else to go?” Rob asked him angrily. “Who was there to help you fight your addiction and get you back on your feet huh? I was there Alex I was there through it all and I’ll be damned if I’m gunna give up now!”

Alex closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as he willed himself to stop crying. “That was different, I was young, I was stupid…”

---

He stood soaked on the doorstep, staring at the powder blue door before him, waiting for an answer. It was cold, he was cold and he couldn’t stop sniffing. Beside him was the one bag he had with everything he owned, his body shivering, the t-shirt and jeans not giving him any warmth.

“Alex?” Rob looked surprised to see him, standing on the doorstep looking a mess. “What are you doing here man?”

“Mom and dad kicked me out.” He mumbled looking at his feet.

“What? Why?” Rob asked confused, ushering his brother in.

Alex sighed and headed straight for the lounge, dropping his bag at his feet as he fell onto the couch, not caring if he got the seat wet with his soaked clothes. He heard Rob close the front door and even walk into the lounge but he couldn’t lift his head to meet his brother’s gaze, he was feeling bad enough as it was for upsetting his parents, he didn’t want Rob angry with him too. From his parents he could deal with it, they never got along, their relationship was hardly worth calling that, but with Rob it was different, it was Rob who looked out for him, looked after him when he was just a kid.

“Alex what happened?”

He sighed and closed his eyes. “They found out.”

“Found out what?” He felt his brother sit beside him, the couch dipping slightly. “What did they find out?”

Alex shuddered and was almost tempted to shrug and play it off, just pretend it was nothing, that it was just a stupid argument, that he was in the right and they were in the wrong. Only he knew better, he knew he was in the wrong for what he did, his parents were in the right for reacting so badly, their youngest son, a crack head, oh yeah like they were going to jump for joy about this one…

“They found out about the drugs.”

“You what?”

“Drugs Rob! Drugs!” Alex snapped raising his head enough to look at Rob before running his hands into his hair and tugging angrily. “They fucking found out!”

“What drugs?”

Alex felt his temper snap as a growl left his throat. Standing up he glared at his brother as if he was stupid, as if he too was blind like his parents had been.

“The drugs I have been taking since I was fifteen you jackass!” He yelled. “The drugs I have been doing whilst you went off making happy couples with Joe and I got stuck with our parents who couldn’t give a shit about me! The drugs I have been taking when every day I’m reminded how much I’m not like you, how much of a fucking screw up I am! Those drugs Rob! Those fucking Drugs!”

Rob just stared blankly at him through out his whole rant, never once looking angry, he didn’t even yell back and Alex knew how much Rob hated him yelling, Rob was the older one, Alex was the younger, he was not allowed to yell at Rob. But now Rob just sat listening, not making any movement to stop Alex, to put him back in his place. Then when Alex was done yelling, when the younger’s voice was hitching as he tried not to cry, Rob stood up slowly still watching his brother with that calm gaze.

“I need help…” Alex whispered hoarsely. “I need help Rob and I dunno what to do, I’m so scared right now, I don’t want to be like this I wanna stop but I can’t, please you gotta help me.”

Rob simply wrapped his arms around his soaked brother, hugging him warmly, cradling him like he always did letting his brother cry as he kissed the wet black hair cooing to him softly, not showing any anger, not showing his hurt, showing nothing but care as he held his young brother.

“It’ll be okay Alex… it’ll be all okay…”

---

He sighed, his body exhausted, it didn’t take much for that to happen these days, his energy was on a low, there was no sugar in his system, no food to get energy from, even though Joe and Rob were watching him constantly, they couldn’t get him to eat and they knew they couldn’t force him, certain unforeseen events had made it so that Alex’s trust could be shattered easily. But despite how his body yearned for the dark comfort of sleep, he refused to give in; he refused to part with the only scene that could keep him calm and safe.

“Why now?” Rob finally spoke, his voice strained, as he tried not to sound upset. “Why are you doing this to yourself now? When there is nothing to come of it but hurt.”

“Because it’s the only thing I feel, the only thing I deserve to feel…” He answered weakly.

Rob let out a heavy sigh and though he couldn’t see Rob’s face he knew that his brother’s eyes were closed and no doubt there were tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry.” He murmured his voice empty and hollow. “Don’t cry when there is nothing to cry for Rob.”

“There is always something to cry about.” Rob answered quietly. “No matter what, there is always something to cry for… can’t I cry for my brother?”

He didn’t answer as he stared blankly over the city, he was just so tired, so very tired, he didn’t think he could fight anymore, not with out Lee there to protect him, to love him. He wasn’t going to lie; he missed Lee, with the same strength that he missed Mark with, how he missed them both so very much…

---

He must have been lying there for half an hour unable to move, his hand hurt from where they had stuck the needle in, his stomach hurt too and he could just see the white bandage that covered his torso. It wasn’t so much the pain that bothered him, it was more like the zoning out, when he was thinking about what the doctor had said he instantly started to think about something else, his train of thought swapping more times than a cheerleader did boyfriends. When the doctor had spoken to him he had only caught a third of what was said, he just couldn’t concentrate, and though it scared him he assumed it was because of the drugs they had given him.

The door opened eventually, the worried face of his brother appearing, a strained smile on his face. Alex smiled back weakly, barely having the energy to give a full-hearted smile.

“Hey, the doctors said it was okay to come see you.” Rob murmured after he had shut the door and sat down. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” He answered in a quiet voice. “What happened?”

“You were in a car accident.” Rob answered taking his younger brother’s hand. “Apparently you lost control of the car when someone tried to over take you and ended up in a crash barrier, it was pretty nasty.”

“Shit…” Alex murmured barely remembering anything happening. “Jesus, is Mark okay?”

Rob looked at Alex for a moment, just a moment before he looked at his hands around Alex’s. For a while he said nothing though it was obvious to see something was eating at him, his brow furrowed in deep thought and his warm brown eyes clouded.

“Alex…” Rob started slowly his voice so deathly quiet that it seemed to make the whole room silent. “Alex… I dunno how to say this to make it sound any better but… Mark… Mark died, Alex… you hit the barrier so hard that his neck broke… he died immediately…”

Alex stared at his brother not quite believing it. ”He…”

“Alex I’m sorry, even if he had lived there was nothing the doctors could have done for him, he suffered too many injuries, he would have died anyway…” Rob spoke up trying to explain to his brother that either way Alex would have lost Mark for good.

Alex looked away slowly his eyes wide as he felt a new pain, a sickeningly horrible pain that ripped through his chest forcing a small sob from him. He saw his vision blur with tears but none of it seemed real, it felt so far, far away like in a dream, he couldn’t accept it, he couldn’t feel the true realisation even though his heart was breaking, even though he knew it was real.

“I’m so sorry Alex…”

He shook his head as he let his eyes closed images of his boyfriend haunting him. How he loved Mark, how they had been so perfect, now that was gone, Alex had killed him, or so he thought, and now all he had was the memories and that hurt so much more…

“Not as sorry as I am…” He whispered.

---

Some days it wasn’t so bad, some days he could think of Mark and not hate himself for losing such a wonderful person, then there were the days, much like today, that he couldn’t think of Mark with out feel the guilt that was hidden deep inside. It was so much the same for Lee too, god how he loved Lee, and now he was gone too, because of a stupid argument. He didn’t think things could get worse…

“Come on Al, let’s go in…” Rob sighed picking his brother up, the younger so much lighter now, so tiny, nothing to what he used to be. “Get some rest huh?”

He couldn’t answer, he didn’t think he could, he was just so tired, so very, very tired he just wanted to sleep forever, forget he existed, he wanted to never wake up. He didn’t notice the beautiful view going, he didn’t notice the wind no longer blowing through his hair, he didn’t notice being settled onto the couch that was so lovely and warm, or the blanket wrapped around him in attempt to warm him up again. He just wanted to feel numb, feel nothing just so the pain and guilt would leave him again. He didn’t hear the phone ring, or the person’s voice who answered; he didn’t even notice the phone that was held before him until a gentle hand rested on his shoulder, rubbing soothingly…

---

“…you told me you loved me!” Alex yelled looking at Lee angrily. “I told you I loved you right back! Suddenly that doesn’t mean a thing anymore? After everything we’ve been through?”

“Alex you have no fucking clue what you’re going on about!” Lee yelled back his crystal blue eyes glazed with tears. “I just want to be left alone!”

“Fine you want to be left alone I’ll leave you alone!” Alex snapped heading for the door grabbing his jacket on the way, before turning to look at Lee once more. “You know, I thought I knew you Lee, I thought I had you figured out, I guess I was wrong, you’re just as big a jackass as your brother is!”

He didn’t wait for a reply as he pulled the door open roughly and headed out, his anger so hot that it drowned out his hurt, then when he slammed the door behind him the anger went just like that leaving him with the pain, the hurt, the hurt of thinking he had just been played a fool by the man he loved…

---

“Alex, you have a phone call.” Joe murmured, his slanted eyes suddenly coming into focus.

He sighed taking the phone from his brother’s boyfriend waiting until Joe had headed for the kitchen before holding the phone to his ear, struggling to find his voice.

“Hello?” He murmured.

“Alex?” The familiar soft voice greeted him.

“Lee…”

There was a pause, it was so short yet so tense all at once.

“I-I’ve, missed you…”

He closed his eyes that soft voice warming him inside, as he remembered how he loved that voice.

“I’ve missed you too…”

Outside the clouds had finally been pushed out to sea, the sun shone boldly, warming everything, lighting the city of angels in a brilliant glow of hope washing away the darkness and the coldness once again.

… Things could only get better from now on.

"at times I think that all I need is summer sun, burning in my eyes and breaking through the trees, at times I feel my place is empty, it looks as though I never met me, but my smile does only show one side of me..."- Lost Prophets "For Sure."