A most profound statement

The night was a still radiant picture of earth. Blue oceans swirling around under the milky dream like atmosphere, spinning, spinning forever spinning on. The time of day in England was 2 Am night whilst in America it was 7 pm Evening. In one country men sleep, in the other men drank each other under the table. Much had changed in the 2 million years of human evolution. From one ape like creature to another, hunched over and gargling at the mouth in both respects. Now that God is progress.

Anyhow in a radio message station, England, South Warwickshire in a particularly nice hamlet a great satellite dish picked up a most unusual signal. The long beeping signal penetrated the egg shell atmosphere and went straight into the dish's massive antennae. A rude awakening for the staff who manned the great dish as they scrambled to their feet to man the recording stations.

"Ed look at this it's a signal from outer space."

"No shit, No fucking shit."

"What do you think sent it."

An old man with a pale face hunched over the control panel going through the necessary diagnostics.

"Oh my ."

A telephone rang.

"Dave."

"Yes Ed"

"It's a positive signal, this is a radio message from an artificial source. It's pattern matches a radio broadcast. It's in code, or a different language but it's definitely off earth origin and in a pattern."

The two men, one in London the other in Warwick in coordination looked out of the window at the dark partially lit streets.

"Shit."

"Yep."

"Shit."

"You have to stop saying Shit mate."

"Shit."

"What do we do?"

A slight pause.

"Shit."

Ed at the dish in Warwick quickly recorded the signal and started his blue BMW and drove directly to London to partake in a more profound conversation then obscenities over the phone.

"Shit Dave this is big."

"We have to tell the government."

"The press!"

"The people!"

"No the people don't pay, we have to do something though."

They pause and take a hit of whiskey they both need desperately.

"After years of waiting and hoping it's finally happened. An alien signal, aimed directly at earth."

"This is the greatest moment in human history in the last 100 years."

They two sit down and go deep into thought. Day breaks over the Victorian grey houses and two by two cars in a traffic jam stretching off into a jaded sun. The news of an alien coded message soon spread to the ministry of inquiry. Then to the ministry of analysis, then to the ministry of foreign affairs (by mistake), then to the ministry of defence, then to the ministry of the internal and finally after 5 tired message boys later the news of the code got to the very head of the country, last of all. The prime minister wrinkled his brow and addressed the issue logically and focused.

"Shit."

"Sir?"

"Shit."

"What should we do?"

After a large Whiskey his eyes deadened like cold trees in winter. Black and unfocused.

"Make it public."

And so it was done.

"Do we know what the message means?"

"The Americans are working on it as we speak."

"How did they know about it before I did?"

"Who knows sir, who knows."

As the morning faded seamlessly into the afternoon a research facility in America was receiving the transmitted message and looking through it for something that could deduce what language it was in. 3 months later after the public had forgotten about the signal that was unbreakable the scientists broke it.

"It's not a message it's a set of diagrams. That's why we couldn't decode it. It's lines and coordinates. Not letters and sentences."

The prime minister of England and the President of the USA looked at each other with a weary look before they both asked together.

"Well what's the diagram for?"

"A chamber of sorts."

"What type of chamber?"

"It's unclear. However the quantum flux variations in the main coil seem to suggest that the particle accelerators main priority is."

The two men looked at each other and smiled.

"Yes, Yes I see it's all in order."

They walked away leaving the scientist relieved.

"Thank fuck they didn't ask for an explanation. I haven't the foggiest what this machine does."

A man with a suit on appeared from the doorway.

"I have a vague idea what it does."

"What does it do?"

"Lets just say it will be a good laugh."

"What?"

"Oh, It's a transporter. It can transport matter from one part of the universe to another."

They looked at each other. A slight smile rippling from one side of the scientist's mouth to the suited man's mouth.

"So it could transport the occupant to the alien world?"

"Seems like that would be the most obvious reason for it."

"Excellent I'll go tell the prime minister and president at once."

The scientist rushed off. The suited man coughed, looked at his shoes, took a long draft from his hip flask and stumbled off. Drunken wisdom is always the best type.

Two days later a vast assembly was assembled as assemblies do around an epic chamber. It was a perfect square, 200 meters up and 200 meters wide with an area of, well they can do the math. The sun was shining in streaks of burning gold and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The President of the USA was standing at a micro phone addressing the world.

"People of Africa, America. People of Europe and Asia, People of Oceania, People of the islands and people of the Antarctic."

"What about people of the Artic sir?"

"Shut up."

"Ok sir."

The president brushed his adviser aside like an insect.

"I bring to your collective visions the machine that the alien signal instructed us to build. It's purpose, well obviously to bring a human to the alien home world as to establish first contact. The ramifications of this discovery and invention will irreversibly change the fabric of human existence."

He smiled, this was going fucking well.

"Without further ado I bring to your attention Captain Max Power."

A large well built man in an American marine's uniform strode powerfully as his sir name suggested towards the collected crowd. His trousers so tight you could almost see through them. His hair slicked back and beautiful blond with blue eyes. An all American hero of the highest calibre. Decorated with medals from neck to toe and a spotless and impeccable dress sense. A huge cheer went up as he saluted the President and recited a prayer.

"This brave man will climb into the chamber and make first contact for us."

He waved, opened the chamber door and climbed in. He sat down on a chair inside and saw a large red button with:

"Push"

Written on it with huge letters. It seemed like a scene from a cartoon of old. He smiled and readied himself to make human history. Unknown to him human history was made every second by very ordinary people. William the conqueror and George Washington may have won battles but John and Gary the swordsmen were the ones who died for it. History is absurd in that way, we tend to remember the people that did the littlest work and sacrificed the least.

"The count down will begin shortly. Let us all hope that the machine works and Max Power will bring America into the stars.

"10"

The sky was flawless.

"9"

There was hush in the crowd.

"8"

The tension was building up now like a champagne cork ready to blow.

"7"

A child's ice cream fell to the floor, the child's cries were heard faint over the hushed assembly.

"6"

A gust of wind."

"5"

The president crossed his fingers.

"4"

Max Power clenched his lips.

"3"

Someone in the front row passed out.

"2"

Someone in the back round was snoring loudly."

"1"

Silent as the grave.

"Go Go Go."

A flash of light all around the machine, a rumbling deep and untraceable from some sub terrain source. Smoke and lights. The audience were knocked to their feet and the sky clouded over. The apocalypse had come. However it went away a few seconds later because it was hundreds of years too early. The crowd got to their feet and surveyed the scene. The great cube machine was still there. No one was hurt and there was no noise.

"Lets investigate the cube."

The president opened the cube door and stepped inside. It smelt of roses and of blood.

"Oh my.."

"Shit."

"Haha!"

Max Power was spread out with a bullet hole in his brain, naked and with a note pinned to his chest.

"How absurd, such is life. Hahahahahahahahahahahahah"

"The handwriting isn't that good."

Utter silence.

"I don't understand sir."

"Neither do I sir, neither do I."

Though needless to say some fat bastard alien on another planet was pissing himself with laughter. Earthlings can amuse themselves with email forwarding jokes, intergalactic civilisations can amuse themselves sending radio message forwards across the galaxy. Funny shit to them. Of course most races know that these radio messages are just cosmic jokes sent around to amuse a purple alien race called the Microsos. They had a huge screen in their main government square broadcasting everything that happened to the whole planet. Roaring with laughter.

Back on earth the President was starting to get the joke.

"The look on Max's face as he was transported to an alien world as he was greeted by a revolver to the face. That must have been classic."

"Sir?"

"I never liked the fuck anyway."

"What should we do with the machine sir?"

"Well what do you think?"

"Throw it away?"

The president smiled and looked menacingly out into the great blank galactic sky.

"Trust first contact to be a practical joke. Living things are so predictable. Why don't we pass on this piece of classic humour to all the other races in the cosmos."

"Yes sir."

He laughed.

"Excellent."

"Sir!"

A pink, small domed being from the planet Frouge ran over to his commander.

"Yes Dave."

"We're received a radio message from outer space.

The commander's face lit up like a bullet being fired off into a dark empty room.

"First contact at last.

"I wonder what it says."

"Could tell us the meaning of life sir."

"It could tell us everything we want to know."

The two pink men stood and stared at the empty sky. Reasons and sense fell out of things and the sky was watching them. A hundred thousand billion million faces across the universe were laughing at them. On huge broad casting televisions across the galaxy.

Nothing brings reality together like a good joke.